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Its time...for forever to start
Well, its time for forever to start! Time to begin my new life! Time to get this right with no looking back! Time to stop this pill merry go round and start living my life clean and in active recovery!
I had quit opiates, mostly snorting roxy, as many as I could get, which was alot!, cold turkey on Nov. 10. And started to taper my klonopin down, I was taking 3 mg a day, 1 mg pills 3 times a day. Well, the holidays came and I'm a single mom living with my parents, which is awful on so many levels and in so many ways! Mostly because we are shoved in a small spot, I haven't lived with my parents since I was 16, and now its me and my two kids! My parents are getting older and they can't handle kids, especially my youngest, she is kinda a wild child diva...so I'm expected to basically follow her around at all times. And take care of my other child. And I lost my daycare help and therefore my job. I'm expected to do all shopping, buy all groceries, cook gourmet meals atleast twice a day, and keep the house clean and immaculate! And my mom is fond of kicking us out, forcing me and my children to find a friends to stay out, get money for motel rooms or sleep in the car. Its crazy! And my mom takes more pills than I ever did, opiates along with plenty of other things and is an alcoholic and a mean drunk.
Anyway that's just some background and I'm going to try to just keep this one thread from now on. Its been quite the rollercoaster ride the last month! I ended up taking an opana around the beginning of the month, like Dec 3 or 4??? That's all I was going to do, but as we all know one is too many and a thousand never enough... I ended up back in wd and then ran out of klonopin, they cut me from 3 1 mg pills a day last month to 3 .5 pills, and I ran out like a week early. It was hell! Now, I can pick my new ones up Monday, but this month they cut me again, down to just 2 of the .5 a day. I don't know what to do about that, I tried arguing but they insisted this is a normal taper and they can't prescribe benzos anymore, they have to get everyone tapered and off due to some law with Obama care??? Ahhhhh, not a great time for that to happen! I don't even normally take them all, but was counting on them now to help with opiate wd, and now I'm running out!
So, I was out of everything! Couldn't even afford Tylenol or anything. Me and my mom were into it, its the holidays, my wild child is now out of daycare and up under me driving me crazy 24/7, I lost my job and only income, I'm going through all kinds of court stuff with my ex about our separation and custody and child support and he's just being especially mean and ridiculous! So, like 2 days after the opana, with all this going on, I come across 15 old perk 10's...and I'm so weak, I took 9 of them over 2 or 3 days! I feel so awful and stupid and weak! I have to get and stay clean this time!
Im about to flush the rest right now, wanted to post first? So my plan is to flush them, break a 8 mg sub in half, take half today and half tomorrow and then be done forever without looking back!
And I believe I have found the missing piece. AFTERCARE AND TAKING CARE OF ME!!! So this time I plan to do those things that are so hard for me. I'm going to start going back to church tomorrow. Starting Monday im going to work on getting into my therapist regularly. I'm going to start taking the meds they give me regular and the right way. Im going to be on this site every day. Im going to find and make some na meetings. I'm going to start taking care of me, which is incredibly difficult as a single mom and an only child living with my parents...BUT with work and support I can and will do this!!!
I had quit opiates, mostly snorting roxy, as many as I could get, which was alot!, cold turkey on Nov. 10. And started to taper my klonopin down, I was taking 3 mg a day, 1 mg pills 3 times a day. Well, the holidays came and I'm a single mom living with my parents, which is awful on so many levels and in so many ways! Mostly because we are shoved in a small spot, I haven't lived with my parents since I was 16, and now its me and my two kids! My parents are getting older and they can't handle kids, especially my youngest, she is kinda a wild child diva...so I'm expected to basically follow her around at all times. And take care of my other child. And I lost my daycare help and therefore my job. I'm expected to do all shopping, buy all groceries, cook gourmet meals atleast twice a day, and keep the house clean and immaculate! And my mom is fond of kicking us out, forcing me and my children to find a friends to stay out, get money for motel rooms or sleep in the car. Its crazy! And my mom takes more pills than I ever did, opiates along with plenty of other things and is an alcoholic and a mean drunk.
Anyway that's just some background and I'm going to try to just keep this one thread from now on. Its been quite the rollercoaster ride the last month! I ended up taking an opana around the beginning of the month, like Dec 3 or 4??? That's all I was going to do, but as we all know one is too many and a thousand never enough... I ended up back in wd and then ran out of klonopin, they cut me from 3 1 mg pills a day last month to 3 .5 pills, and I ran out like a week early. It was hell! Now, I can pick my new ones up Monday, but this month they cut me again, down to just 2 of the .5 a day. I don't know what to do about that, I tried arguing but they insisted this is a normal taper and they can't prescribe benzos anymore, they have to get everyone tapered and off due to some law with Obama care??? Ahhhhh, not a great time for that to happen! I don't even normally take them all, but was counting on them now to help with opiate wd, and now I'm running out!
So, I was out of everything! Couldn't even afford Tylenol or anything. Me and my mom were into it, its the holidays, my wild child is now out of daycare and up under me driving me crazy 24/7, I lost my job and only income, I'm going through all kinds of court stuff with my ex about our separation and custody and child support and he's just being especially mean and ridiculous! So, like 2 days after the opana, with all this going on, I come across 15 old perk 10's...and I'm so weak, I took 9 of them over 2 or 3 days! I feel so awful and stupid and weak! I have to get and stay clean this time!
Im about to flush the rest right now, wanted to post first? So my plan is to flush them, break a 8 mg sub in half, take half today and half tomorrow and then be done forever without looking back!
And I believe I have found the missing piece. AFTERCARE AND TAKING CARE OF ME!!! So this time I plan to do those things that are so hard for me. I'm going to start going back to church tomorrow. Starting Monday im going to work on getting into my therapist regularly. I'm going to start taking the meds they give me regular and the right way. Im going to be on this site every day. Im going to find and make some na meetings. I'm going to start taking care of me, which is incredibly difficult as a single mom and an only child living with my parents...BUT with work and support I can and will do this!!!
Vic, sorry I missed your comment earlier! And yes. That's the same way I was with eating and sleeping while on pills. And yea, I'm supposed to be tapering the klonopin, but I'm not doing great with that. I started taking 3 1mg pills forever, then in the last 3 months they have been tapering me very quickly, swearing there is some law connected to obamacare that says everyone has to get off benzos like now. So, in 3 months I went from the 3mg a day 2nd month, 3 .5 pills a day, 1.5 mg a day. Now I'm on 2 .5 pills this month, 1mg a day! So I'm not doing great with that! They did give me gabapentin, so I've started taking that, along with all of the meds from my Dr...
kbusymom,
ok this is starting to get crazy weird...we are so much alike in so many ways, its truly like we have loved the same parallel lives! We have the same addiction issues, same attitude, same kid stuff, and now the dame mom issues!?! That's wild! And yes I really hope she actually stays gone for a while so we can have peace and serenity! We really have to get our place soon somehow!!! And thanks, I'm trying to keep on keeping on and beat this addiction and unlock the chains that have bound me for too long, and I can't wait to find the real me! Nothing can start me now!!
clean in Kansas,
Thank you, that means alot coming from you!!!
kbusymom,
ok this is starting to get crazy weird...we are so much alike in so many ways, its truly like we have loved the same parallel lives! We have the same addiction issues, same attitude, same kid stuff, and now the dame mom issues!?! That's wild! And yes I really hope she actually stays gone for a while so we can have peace and serenity! We really have to get our place soon somehow!!! And thanks, I'm trying to keep on keeping on and beat this addiction and unlock the chains that have bound me for too long, and I can't wait to find the real me! Nothing can start me now!!
clean in Kansas,
Thank you, that means alot coming from you!!!
Good for you....you're doing GREAT!!!
Glad you weren't offended. I hope she will stay gone for awhile. So proud of you for not feeding into it.
I had to really detach from my mom, but I know it's difficult when you live with her. Mine was crazy with pills too but she had to take so many for all of her various illnesses. She normally would be manic for the whole summer and then super depressed all winter; the manic was def harder to deal with.
Keep on keepin' on with your recovery; you are so right; it is your time to focus on you!!
I had to really detach from my mom, but I know it's difficult when you live with her. Mine was crazy with pills too but she had to take so many for all of her various illnesses. She normally would be manic for the whole summer and then super depressed all winter; the manic was def harder to deal with.
Keep on keepin' on with your recovery; you are so right; it is your time to focus on you!!
Thanks and I didn't feed into it fir once. Didn't even say a word, just kept doing what I was doing, I was quite proud of myself actually! Just kept moving around her, acting like nothing was going on! She left and I still just kept doing what I was doing and then we ended up leaving for the store and at my daughters Dr now, just doing our own thing!
And no, your not wrong at all, I wish she would leave for awhile at least a week, I wish she would go to rehab, she takes more pills and different kinds than I ever did, and she drinks, so it's just lethal and constant drama!! She either had too many pills and passed out or different pills where she's manic and mad, its like multiple personalities! Its enough for a lifetime to deal with just her! But I can't worry about her now because I'm focused on MY recovery!
And no, your not wrong at all, I wish she would leave for awhile at least a week, I wish she would go to rehab, she takes more pills and different kinds than I ever did, and she drinks, so it's just lethal and constant drama!! She either had too many pills and passed out or different pills where she's manic and mad, its like multiple personalities! Its enough for a lifetime to deal with just her! But I can't worry about her now because I'm focused on MY recovery!
Sorry about your mom. Does it sound bad if I say maybe it's good she's gone for a little bit to give you a break?
My mom was alcoholic and suffered from severe mental health issues; I feel your pain.
My mom was alcoholic and suffered from severe mental health issues; I feel your pain.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Now that you are really serious about your recovery you wont have to live like this for much longer. Hopefully your mom will see how things can really be once we put the drugs down. We can preach all we want about getting clean but what we actually have to do is BE the message~
When this sort of thing happens remove yourself from the situation. Dont feed in to it. It is a no win situation. I know it is easier said than done but you will be able to master this one!
When this sort of thing happens remove yourself from the situation. Dont feed in to it. It is a no win situation. I know it is easier said than done but you will be able to master this one!
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