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Its time...for forever to start
Well, its time for forever to start! Time to begin my new life! Time to get this right with no looking back! Time to stop this pill merry go round and start living my life clean and in active recovery!
I had quit opiates, mostly snorting roxy, as many as I could get, which was alot!, cold turkey on Nov. 10. And started to taper my klonopin down, I was taking 3 mg a day, 1 mg pills 3 times a day. Well, the holidays came and I'm a single mom living with my parents, which is awful on so many levels and in so many ways! Mostly because we are shoved in a small spot, I haven't lived with my parents since I was 16, and now its me and my two kids! My parents are getting older and they can't handle kids, especially my youngest, she is kinda a wild child diva...so I'm expected to basically follow her around at all times. And take care of my other child. And I lost my daycare help and therefore my job. I'm expected to do all shopping, buy all groceries, cook gourmet meals atleast twice a day, and keep the house clean and immaculate! And my mom is fond of kicking us out, forcing me and my children to find a friends to stay out, get money for motel rooms or sleep in the car. Its crazy! And my mom takes more pills than I ever did, opiates along with plenty of other things and is an alcoholic and a mean drunk.
Anyway that's just some background and I'm going to try to just keep this one thread from now on. Its been quite the rollercoaster ride the last month! I ended up taking an opana around the beginning of the month, like Dec 3 or 4??? That's all I was going to do, but as we all know one is too many and a thousand never enough... I ended up back in wd and then ran out of klonopin, they cut me from 3 1 mg pills a day last month to 3 .5 pills, and I ran out like a week early. It was hell! Now, I can pick my new ones up Monday, but this month they cut me again, down to just 2 of the .5 a day. I don't know what to do about that, I tried arguing but they insisted this is a normal taper and they can't prescribe benzos anymore, they have to get everyone tapered and off due to some law with Obama care??? Ahhhhh, not a great time for that to happen! I don't even normally take them all, but was counting on them now to help with opiate wd, and now I'm running out!
So, I was out of everything! Couldn't even afford Tylenol or anything. Me and my mom were into it, its the holidays, my wild child is now out of daycare and up under me driving me crazy 24/7, I lost my job and only income, I'm going through all kinds of court stuff with my ex about our separation and custody and child support and he's just being especially mean and ridiculous! So, like 2 days after the opana, with all this going on, I come across 15 old perk 10's...and I'm so weak, I took 9 of them over 2 or 3 days! I feel so awful and stupid and weak! I have to get and stay clean this time!
Im about to flush the rest right now, wanted to post first? So my plan is to flush them, break a 8 mg sub in half, take half today and half tomorrow and then be done forever without looking back!
And I believe I have found the missing piece. AFTERCARE AND TAKING CARE OF ME!!! So this time I plan to do those things that are so hard for me. I'm going to start going back to church tomorrow. Starting Monday im going to work on getting into my therapist regularly. I'm going to start taking the meds they give me regular and the right way. Im going to be on this site every day. Im going to find and make some na meetings. I'm going to start taking care of me, which is incredibly difficult as a single mom and an only child living with my parents...BUT with work and support I can and will do this!!!
I had quit opiates, mostly snorting roxy, as many as I could get, which was alot!, cold turkey on Nov. 10. And started to taper my klonopin down, I was taking 3 mg a day, 1 mg pills 3 times a day. Well, the holidays came and I'm a single mom living with my parents, which is awful on so many levels and in so many ways! Mostly because we are shoved in a small spot, I haven't lived with my parents since I was 16, and now its me and my two kids! My parents are getting older and they can't handle kids, especially my youngest, she is kinda a wild child diva...so I'm expected to basically follow her around at all times. And take care of my other child. And I lost my daycare help and therefore my job. I'm expected to do all shopping, buy all groceries, cook gourmet meals atleast twice a day, and keep the house clean and immaculate! And my mom is fond of kicking us out, forcing me and my children to find a friends to stay out, get money for motel rooms or sleep in the car. Its crazy! And my mom takes more pills than I ever did, opiates along with plenty of other things and is an alcoholic and a mean drunk.
Anyway that's just some background and I'm going to try to just keep this one thread from now on. Its been quite the rollercoaster ride the last month! I ended up taking an opana around the beginning of the month, like Dec 3 or 4??? That's all I was going to do, but as we all know one is too many and a thousand never enough... I ended up back in wd and then ran out of klonopin, they cut me from 3 1 mg pills a day last month to 3 .5 pills, and I ran out like a week early. It was hell! Now, I can pick my new ones up Monday, but this month they cut me again, down to just 2 of the .5 a day. I don't know what to do about that, I tried arguing but they insisted this is a normal taper and they can't prescribe benzos anymore, they have to get everyone tapered and off due to some law with Obama care??? Ahhhhh, not a great time for that to happen! I don't even normally take them all, but was counting on them now to help with opiate wd, and now I'm running out!
So, I was out of everything! Couldn't even afford Tylenol or anything. Me and my mom were into it, its the holidays, my wild child is now out of daycare and up under me driving me crazy 24/7, I lost my job and only income, I'm going through all kinds of court stuff with my ex about our separation and custody and child support and he's just being especially mean and ridiculous! So, like 2 days after the opana, with all this going on, I come across 15 old perk 10's...and I'm so weak, I took 9 of them over 2 or 3 days! I feel so awful and stupid and weak! I have to get and stay clean this time!
Im about to flush the rest right now, wanted to post first? So my plan is to flush them, break a 8 mg sub in half, take half today and half tomorrow and then be done forever without looking back!
And I believe I have found the missing piece. AFTERCARE AND TAKING CARE OF ME!!! So this time I plan to do those things that are so hard for me. I'm going to start going back to church tomorrow. Starting Monday im going to work on getting into my therapist regularly. I'm going to start taking the meds they give me regular and the right way. Im going to be on this site every day. Im going to find and make some na meetings. I'm going to start taking care of me, which is incredibly difficult as a single mom and an only child living with my parents...BUT with work and support I can and will do this!!!
Gnarly, oh mg hello! I've missed you! I need all the support and help i can get and your one of my favorite people! You have truly been there since the very beginning! You know how hard headed I am! But yes I have finally decided to just SURRENDER! And I'm already feeling much better!
pat, you are so funny! But there is alot I have to get done. I'm not getting all my usual crazy amount of stuff like I did on pills, but I guess I am living by your motto it is what it is and just trying to get the important things done and keep it moving and keep distracted! I have so much drama and stuff constantly going on at home, I'm trying to feed into it or jump in the middle like I have many times...trying to just be chill, surrender, and like you say, remember it is what it is and keep moving forward for me!
pat, you are so funny! But there is alot I have to get done. I'm not getting all my usual crazy amount of stuff like I did on pills, but I guess I am living by your motto it is what it is and just trying to get the important things done and keep it moving and keep distracted! I have so much drama and stuff constantly going on at home, I'm trying to feed into it or jump in the middle like I have many times...trying to just be chill, surrender, and like you say, remember it is what it is and keep moving forward for me!
My god, I get me exercise just reading everything you do in a day.
You sure make people realize that you just have to say "It is what it is" and do the best you can.
I lived with my parents when my son was first born and it's always hard but I sure had lots of help from all of my family. I don't know what I would have done without them.
How old is your daughter? I can remember having to go and stay with my son until he fell asleep and I would usually end up falling asleep.
He always had a rough time falling asleep but so have I. I was on sleeping pills when I was 16 and they didn't work. You had to knock me out.
Still like that. I just can't turn it off.
Just keep doing what you are doing and put that super power shield up when your Mom gets like that. It will just bounce off of you.
You sure make people realize that you just have to say "It is what it is" and do the best you can.
I lived with my parents when my son was first born and it's always hard but I sure had lots of help from all of my family. I don't know what I would have done without them.
How old is your daughter? I can remember having to go and stay with my son until he fell asleep and I would usually end up falling asleep.
He always had a rough time falling asleep but so have I. I was on sleeping pills when I was 16 and they didn't work. You had to knock me out.
Still like that. I just can't turn it off.
Just keep doing what you are doing and put that super power shield up when your Mom gets like that. It will just bounce off of you.
HEY Girl good to see you finely surrender and start doing the things that keep us all clean im so proud of you for breaking down the bearers that keep us sick work the N/A get a sponsor and work the 12 steps it will truly set you free and always remember we all do this just for today you only need to focus on this one day at a time keep posting for support we all want to see you get clean and more so stay that way good luck and God bless........Gnarly
Oh how I wish my daughter would go to sleep at a decent time! I have tried everything! She is so used to being up under me, thanks to my mom making me follow her around and even worse we share a bedroom at my parents, I've tried leaving her alone and making her sleep but she will cry for me for hours and even if I'm in here, everything turned off pretending to be asleep, she still stays up to atlesst. 10 pm. I told you she is a lil diva!!! My son I never had problems with, he went to bed at 8 every night, and puts himself to sleep like he had for years! I just don't know what I'm going to do with my little diva, because she needs to get more sleep and I have to have some time to myself before I go crazy;!!
I want to come have dinner at your house!! It sounds yummy.
I would be tired after your busy day too. I hope you can get the kids to bed and have your "me" time. I am adamant about my daughter going to bed at 8 during the week; she needs her sleep, but I really need my "me" time. Some nights she reads in her bed for awhile, but I get my time. Are your kids on a schedule for bedtime?
I bet we could go on forever with crazy mom stories too. My mom committed suicide in 03 and it was actually a blessing. She was finally at peace and could no longer hurt others in our family. I was finally able to forgive her as well, I was able to accept that she was sick and incapable of loving anyone.
Keep posting and taking care of yourself; this is your time to focus on you!! Proud of you, you are Superwoman!!
I would be tired after your busy day too. I hope you can get the kids to bed and have your "me" time. I am adamant about my daughter going to bed at 8 during the week; she needs her sleep, but I really need my "me" time. Some nights she reads in her bed for awhile, but I get my time. Are your kids on a schedule for bedtime?
I bet we could go on forever with crazy mom stories too. My mom committed suicide in 03 and it was actually a blessing. She was finally at peace and could no longer hurt others in our family. I was finally able to forgive her as well, I was able to accept that she was sick and incapable of loving anyone.
Keep posting and taking care of yourself; this is your time to focus on you!! Proud of you, you are Superwoman!!
Ahhhhhhhh....me time...something I need desperately but as a single mom with no support its just impossible! I'm feeling so ahhhh today! I took a shower, got akk dressed, went to the store, took my daughter to the Dr, cooked a big dinner, Hawaiian chicken, jasmine rice, corn, biscuits and finished the dishes and all our laundry done. So I had lots of energy today for some reason. But now I'm tired and hurting and I really want to take an Epsom salt bath or even hit a meeting, but I can't, because I'm busy taking care of my kids, my moms gone crazy...ahhhh I just posted here to vent...right now this is all I have!
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