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Avatar universal

Its time...for forever to start

Well, its time for forever to start! Time to begin my new life! Time to get this right with no looking back! Time to stop this pill merry go round and start living my life clean and in active recovery!
I had quit opiates, mostly snorting roxy, as many as I could get, which was alot!,  cold turkey on Nov. 10. And started to taper my klonopin down, I was taking 3 mg a day, 1 mg pills 3 times a day.  Well, the holidays came and I'm a single mom living with my parents, which is awful on so many levels and in so many ways! Mostly because we are shoved in a small spot, I haven't lived with my parents since I was 16, and now its me and my two kids! My parents are getting older and they can't handle kids, especially my youngest, she is kinda a wild child diva...so I'm expected to basically follow her around at all times. And take care of my other child. And I lost my daycare help and therefore my job. I'm expected to do all shopping, buy all groceries, cook gourmet meals atleast twice a day, and keep the house clean and immaculate! And my mom is fond of kicking us out, forcing me and my children to find a friends to stay out, get money for motel rooms or sleep in the car. Its crazy! And my mom takes more pills than I ever did, opiates along with plenty of other things and is an alcoholic and a mean drunk.
Anyway that's just some background and I'm going to try to just keep this one thread from now on. Its been quite the rollercoaster ride the last month! I ended up taking an opana around the beginning of the month, like Dec 3 or 4??? That's all I was going to do, but as we all know one is too many and a thousand never enough... I ended up back in wd and then ran out of klonopin, they cut me from 3 1 mg pills a day last month to 3 .5 pills, and I ran out like a week early. It was hell! Now, I can pick my new ones up Monday, but this month they cut me again, down to just 2 of the .5 a day. I don't know what to do about that, I tried arguing but they insisted this is a normal taper and they can't prescribe benzos anymore, they have to get everyone tapered and off due to some law with Obama care??? Ahhhhh, not a great time for that to happen! I don't even normally take them all, but was counting on them now to help with opiate wd, and now I'm running out!
So, I was out of everything! Couldn't even afford Tylenol or anything. Me and my mom were into it, its the holidays, my wild child is now out of daycare and up under me driving me crazy 24/7, I lost my job and only income, I'm going through all kinds of court stuff with my ex about our separation and custody and child support and he's just being especially mean and ridiculous! So, like 2 days after the opana, with all this going on, I come across 15 old perk 10's...and I'm so weak, I took 9 of them over 2 or 3 days! I feel so awful and stupid and weak! I have to get and stay clean this time!
Im about to flush the rest right now, wanted to post first? So my plan is to flush them, break a 8 mg sub in half, take half today and half tomorrow and then be done forever without looking back!
And I believe I have found the missing piece. AFTERCARE AND TAKING CARE OF ME!!! So this time I plan to do those things that are so hard for me. I'm going to start going back to church tomorrow. Starting Monday im going to work on getting into my therapist regularly. I'm going to start taking the meds they give me regular and the right way. Im going to be on this site every day. Im going to find and make some na meetings. I'm going to start taking care of me, which is incredibly difficult as a single mom and an only child living with my parents...BUT with work and support I can and will do this!!!
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480448 tn?1426948538
Hey there sweetie, I'm a little late to your thread, but I wanted to offer my support and prayers also.  This thread is TRULY an inspiration, I hope you're VERY proud of yourself!  

You say you're surprised that the w/ds have been manageable and not too bad....you know why???  Because of your new and improved positive attitude!!  It really DOES make all the difference in the world!  You were fed up, sick and tired and ready to do this!  And you ARE doing it!

Enjoy some long epsom salts baths after the lil one goes to sleep while your Mom is away.  Where is she staying?  Any idea if/when she's coming back?  I know that right now, it's one day at a time, but once you've gotten through the acute process of detox, I would strongly recommend sitting down and starting to put a plan in place as far as how you're going to get out on your own and out from under Mom's thumb.  Start formulating a plan to get there, it will take time.

Not only does it sound like the way she TREATS you isn't all that healthy, but you being in that environment will put a strain on your sobriety, both because of the stress, and also being around someone in active (not to mention very out of control) addiction.  Just make that a priority in the near future.  Look into what resources may be available to you.  Think of how NICE it would be to have your own place, with the lil diva!  :0)  Even an efficiency apt would be something, it would feel so good to be free of your Mom's grips, and maybe you'll eventually be able to enjoy a new and improved relationship with your Mom!  That would be a win-win!  Do you have any other supportive family or friends in your life that you can talk to?  You can never have too many people in your army!

I'm cheering for you too....you're doing simply amazing!  Keep the updates coming!  Blessings to you hon!  
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Avatar universal
Thanks Pat! It is what it is! And you won't find me in the gym anytime soon but walks outside sound great! And I did sleep pretty good last night with my nice heated blanket lol! Hope you slept well too!
Helpful - 0
2107676 tn?1388973859
Exactly.  Don't let yourself get overwhelmed.  Think about what you did do and not what you didn't do.  I could barely get out of bed on Day 5 or 6 and then when I did, it was just forcing myself every step of the way.
It would drive me crazy when people were saying they went to the gym.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I would wait until it got light out and go for a walk around the block and I could barely do that.
Anyway, we are all different. And remember "It is what it is".  lol, I really like that saying.
I hope you sleep well tonight.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Kbusymom,
yea sounds like we have the same daughter and same kind of mom lol! Its no wonder we are so alike!

Just an update for everyone
I'm feeling ok. I'm not going through any acute withdrawal but post withdrawal and my crazy life and circumstances and my crazy mother are all making me a little on edge, but physically I'm pretty good! I think its how the whole last month went, along with my antidepressants and anxiety meds and positive attitude and my wonderful mh family here, and knowing I'm doing this for myself and my children, and being able to surrender it to god. But all in all I'm doing ok. Went out today and got a big heated blanket for the bed, figured it would be like a huge heating pad for my body aches and keep the cold away for me and my daughter so we can sleep well! Pretty excited lol!
Helpful - 0
6538759 tn?1386250196
We sure do!!  Dysfunction is rampant in my family for sure :)
My daughter is my only and she is more than enough.  She is so awesome, yet so dramatic at the same time!!  I love her to pieces, but boy, can she ever push my buttons and drive me crazy.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Tooter,
I'm that same way to an extent, I might not be as fast as you lol, but I am the one that had to have everything perfect and am used to running circles around everyone, but I am so weak and have no energy and no motivation...but I'm getting things done. Slowly and one at a time lol but I am getting some things done! And it is so hard for me to just relax and take things easy, but I am trying.  I have to learn to get done what I can and stop living up to everyone else expectations. Easier said than done lol! And I have to get a job and daycare somehow asap so I can move out of this house and get away from my mother! That is my goal right now! And no my ex doesn't pay any child support although he's ordered to, and now he is trying to fight me for custody lol!

kbusymom,
yep I'm pretty sure we live the same life lol! We should talk more, we have entirely too much in common! Is your daughter your only child?
Helpful - 0

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