Judged because I'm a mother and a drug addict

Question

I'm sooooooooo tired of the look in people eyes and comments made because I'm a drug addict and a mother. Somehow I'm worse because of it. People especially women have this idea that because you have children that should be reason enough to stop. If you relapse God help you because your going to hell for sure. I'm messed up for sure but don't they think I feel horrible my kids can't keep me clean. I want them to be enough. An sometimes they are. But I still want to use. I'm so tired of judgement, being watched and never having anyone believe a thing I say because I'm a drug addict. And I feel like thats all anyone sees when they look at me. I wasn't always a drug user. Is there anyone out there dealing with this? I'm trying so hard to stay strong, be optmistic, try not to let paranoia and resentment drag me down. I don't want to feel like everyone is against me but gosh its hard. I feel like maybe its just all in my head but than something will happen and then I think these people think I'm dog ****! Why should I try? I can't prove to these people anyway? They will never really believe I'm clean. I'm just wore out. I LOVE my children. I'd die for them. I need to find a way to truly believe that by using I'm hurting them. But I feel better when I do. My pain is gone and I feel happy. Oh man now here comes the rationalization, that I can and should use. If your a mom that can offer some advice please. I'm about as low as you can get right now.

Misssy2 · Answer

Hold on to that determination and take it one day at a time. One hour at a time...When a thought pops into your head about using...come back to this post and read what you wrote. You are angry at your disease...STAY ANGRY. Fight for your life....because that is what you are doing...You are FIGHTING for your life and the drug demons are bad....Those freakin drugs are stealing all of our children. Drugs were never as bad when I was a kid. It was booze and pot. I hate what the drugs are doing to all these children (including mine). Save your life and in turn you may be able to save your children. If you are DEAD..and your children become addicts...you will not be here to help them with the experience of beating this addiction.

Misssy2 · Answer

I agree with you that you are not hurting them right now.....I am a recovering alcoholic.  I drank my whole kids childhood.  At first (the first 10 years)....I wasn't directly hurting my children.  It happened in the later years when my disease progressed and life was getting hard for me. It was hard for me to function without a drink...and the fun things I used to be able to do with my kids while drunk...got less and less and the drink became more and more important.  That occurred in the last 10 years of my drinking.  Then I started "neglecting" them...just avoiding them...getting thru the night, making them dinner, not really caring about or remembering what was going on with them at school...what they needed for the next day....they started falling behind...they started being embarassed of their friends seeing me and my health started to decline and I spent more and more time in bed.  I caught your screen name....I was REAL sick of being sick and tired and I still couldn't stop. Ultimately you will not stop until it is because you have to stop...for you...that is if you are one of the people like me who is afraid to die and wanted to live.  And if you are not afraid to die...you may continue until you do die and that is when you WILL be affecting your children.  The desire to STOP has to come from within and YOU can't EVEN MAKE it come....you have to hope that it comes....I never thought I was hurting my children...I got the looks...and I got the lectures and I didn't give a crap because I was drinking and I wanted to drink.  One day I didn't want to drink anymore....Thank God.  And now, I am suffering from all the "neglect" that I didn't realize I was doing to my kids because they are acting out big time. Both of them are on drugs...and have drug problems...They learned from their mother by OSMOSIS....that when you are in any kind of pain, happiness or sadness...you USE something to take it away....I never knew that I was teaching them THAT.  We never know the true consequences until it is too late.  I'm happy for you that you are in rehab.  If it doesn't work...just keep hoping for the day that it WILL.  Because I have learned the hard way....that addiction of any kind, does not equal a safe, serene or happy life for anyone.  Good luck.

BrotherFrankie · Answer

i dont care what other people think of me or about me.. its none of my business.. :)

KDZack · Answer

You sound like an incredibly strong women & you are heading in the right direction!  It is really good that you are aware of your weaknesses and that you understand the power of your addiction.  You are suffering from a disease and it is normal to relapse when being an addict, so don't be too hard on yourself for doing so.  So many people do not understand the power of addiction and so they judge others unfairly.  It is normal for you to think that your kids are not enough to keep you sober, that is one of the tricks the drugs play on your mind.  There is documented evidence that drugs alter the chemical make up of your brain & litterally manilpulate the way you think. I can tell you care about your kids because if you didn't, you wouldn't have written this comment.  Don't worry a/b what other people think & just focus on yourself and take each day one day at a time.  Great job staying sober & remember that the longer you remain sober, the easier staying sober will become.  When I was getting sober someone told me "You think the drugs make you happy...but then you get sober and in time you realize that happiness is something you had never before experienced & then life begins making sense to you."

You are NOT a bad mother! 

Best of luck & keep writing....it is theraputic!!!

MomMom11409 · Answer

Hello, I sat here this morning and read your post and it's replies... I want to start by saying it is wonderful that you sat down and typed out your worries. You want help and you will succeed! I am responding to you as one of "those people" who do not understand. My hope is that we can help one another. I am the mother of an addict... I am raising her beautiful daughter. I am guilty as charged - I have spoken the words "how can your baby not be enough?!?!" Help me understand..... I can not ask my daughter.. I can not find her. I know that this is a daily life long struggle... seems like forever. I am sure that the "you" that awakens after withdrawal is thrilled to be back but hurting and scared. What do you need to help you on your road to recovery? What will help soften the hurt that it takes to get thru the day? What will convince you that you are wonderful, you matter and you are loved? Help me, help you, help me...

babygurlt · Answer

Hello, to ibkleen. Hey I know exactly how you feel. I think the exact same way. I feel like as a mother I am suppose to be perfect so everyone says. I messed up and I admit that. I'm not perfect. Far from it. I'm judge to. This drug has got me doing things that I never thought I would do. I am so tired of it and I can't do it anymore witch is why I have made that move to get help. I need help and by gods help he will get me threw this. I pray for everyone one here battling with this addiction. It is no joke! I don't wanna die. I have 2 boys that depend on me and look up to me. And I do not wanna let them down. Its time to dig myself out of this hole and start a great year in 2011 clean and sober. I refuse to loose everything I have worked so hard for because of drugs. No more am I gonna let it take over my life. Iv read everyones message on here and I thank you for posting your story. It gave me that boost of confidence I need to really push forward and change my life. Its hurting my family, my relationship and myself. I'm doing this for me and my kids. So that they won't repeat the things that I have done. Goodluck to everyone who's struggling with this addiction. You can over come this just believe in yourself. God bless

MissJ9108 · Answer

As a mother trying desparately to recover for the umpteenth time from addiction, I had a ton to say to you but after reading the comments written to you, I see all the points I was going to make were covered.  There are a lot of people giving wonderful words of wisdom here, please listen.  I don't see a need to reiterate any of the advice given to you except concerning the most important thing - your kids.  I understand when you say you want them to be enough to make you stay sober but unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.  I tried that course, too  If you stay sober for YOU, everything else in your life will fall into place.  Without a sober you, you will have nothing.  Don't do it for your kids or a man or a job or family members, do it for yourself.  That's all you have to worry about and everything else will follow......

dominosarah · Answer

I am a mom and a grandma.  The one thing i have learned is our actions speak louder than words.  This takes time but the ones that matter in your life will see the positive changes and will respond to you.  The ones that are bad mouthing you or looking down on you dont matter.  Usually they are uneducated in addiction and you just have to entertain ignorance.  This also takes time.  I lost custody of my 14 yr old daughter years back due to my addiction.  She just got smarter quicker than i did.  She had had enough of it and went to live with her dad.  I fought tooth and nail to get her back, physically assaulted her dad, was charged with assault the whole nine yards.  I still didnt clean up my act and i love my children with everything i have.  You have to want to stay clean for you and make you the No1 priority and do whatever it takes to stay that way.  You are 1 week clean and that is great.  Take as much as you can from the counseling.  Dont let anything get in your way.  Again, it doesnt matter what others say nor can we control what they say and do.  I have found with those types of people that everytime they bring my past up i will always be guilty.  There is nothing you can do about the past but there is something you can do now to make sure you dont repeat the past..........sara

gnarly_1 · Answer

HI just read your post and wanted to take a minute to encourage you to keep pushing on
the road is full of bumps but it is worth traveling ...do this for you....so you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror and have your self respect back your dignity....I look at your age and I was just getting into my opiate addiction but it was going to last 16 1/2 yrs!!!! b/4 I woke up and got out of it....im the father of 5 all but 1 is out of the house so I know what its like to be a parent and an addict  if you ask my kids they will tell you I was a good dad....I just wounder in the back of my head how much better I could have been if it wasn't for those dam pills
I no longer take on the guilt and shame my kids celebrated my 1yr recovery a month ago
today my family trusts me dosent wounder if im high and has forgiven my my downfall of addiction....I will always be an addict but I choose not to live in active addiction your on your way there we all do this ''just for today'' congrats on 1 week clean keep moving forward because it is so so worth it on the other side once you get here keep posting for support good luck and God bless.....Gnarly

throwindatowl · Answer

Im not a mom that can offer advise. I am a dad that can. Its different but we are both parents. I know those judgemental eyes oh so well. Those eyes hurt so much. Hurt to the core. Being mom has a different set of rules. Dads get alot more slack for their flaws. It seems like motherly instincts should over come any and all faults in people. Even cure addiction! Thats crazy but a fundamental way of life. Im sorry for that. Ive heard many times.  J, its time to grow up, its time to quit, arent you ashamed of yourself, comon dude your a dad, how would your daughter feel, your what your daughter will look for in a husband a drug addict. It hurts. You only have to prove things to afew select people. You and your kids. Family, well depends on how close you are to them. Its sad but even family find inner strength by your failures. YOu need to find a reason to believe your hurting them by using? Ok lets think for a min. I get it. Use and go to the park, run and play, its all good. Use, plan a long weekend at a theme park walk around for 8 hours with a smile on your face. Use and build sand castles at the beach grill food for all the kids friends all is great.Use no problems right?
  Run out of pills. or spend the cable and internet on pills. Or worse, run outta food or your kids fav ceral cause your broke. GET SICK AND FORGET BEING MOMMY FOR A WEEK OR MORE. Loose your sense of humor. Dont laugh for days on end. Be mean to your kids,sleep all the time. dont sleep at all.call outta work when you really need the money for your kids,cant afford all the presents the kids want for christmas, dont eat the holiday feast, skip making holiday cookies. blaa blaa. Id die for my child. My daughter doesnt want me to kill myself! People need to chill and look in the mirror. Dont let other people that just dont get it bug you to much. I know how bad it hurts though. Personal BEWARE. I snorted methadone and xanax and over dosed. I spent a week in the ICU.. My exwife and daughter found me blue and not breathing really. I did that one night in my whole life! My family her family and anybody that knows what happened-look at me like im the devil, and a piece of dog poo. I love my daughter and gave her a bath everynight since she was born. I was home everynight and worked hard all day long. Id taken methadone 0 times til this one crazy night. So I get to live the rest of my life as this cant be trusted, keep your eyes on him, addict. Forget all the good things I did. That doesnt matter compared the big bad drug addict. The joly green drug addict. I do have to say people look out for kids and they should. They dont want them to be put in harms way. I know Ive put my daughter at risk. having drugs on me with her around. Being high with her in my supervision. Would you let someone  watch you child high? NO! I know that. We are sick people. We are good people. I swear some of the kindest,loyal,friendly,understanding,,creative,and generally awsome people are addicts. You have to try for your children. You owe it to them. Plus they learn from us. would you want your child to expierence wds! How heart breaking would that be. Dont be to hard on yourself. Family, well they are meant to be a pain the rear.Remember, your kids and their feelings. They need you to be 100% for them. They need your love. Your sober love. Forget all the people that get off by your flaws. Do they really matter in larger scheme of life. Not really

FassFeat · Answer

I am sorry that you are struggling so much. Only you know your daily trials and the people you have to deal with. Just know you are in my prayers daily. You have come a long way from the very first time you posted and have done alot of soul searching. I am rooting for you and hope you find the peace you need to give you inner strength to deal with all. God Bless. Your friend, Andrew

kickinhydro · Answer

I'm also a mommy (single) of 3 girls and I'm an addict & alcoholic I have been clean for 9 months almost clean I should say cause I'm on suboxone. I live in a small town & everyone in my town that knows I'm in recovery the AA meetings I go to twice a week are also in the town I live in. People look @ me like I'm trash, I go to wal mart people avoid me when at one time were my friends. It is sad I feel alone. I just figure they were not my friends after all. I've all my new friends @ AA meetings. Its the same at my job people looking & talking about me so I gave em all something 2 talk about, I taped my 9 month coin I got from AA up on my desk shelf for all 2 see. I'm very proud of it & don't care what others think. Like the coin says “to thyne own self be true“ don't think I spelled that right. You are doing awesome!! Don't let anyone make you feel like your not! We have a disease, it does not make us bad mothers/people. I wish u all the best good luck on your journey of recovery! You are doing great so far, take it one day at a time.
Best wishes
Jessica

mommymom1105 · Answer

I know this sounds horriblr but I'm a mother and an addict as well... I had a slight relapse but I'm back on board. I've learned that I can not do it for my kid.  Its me I have to do it for. I come first and then him. No matter what I have to put myself before anyone cause its me that has a problem and no one else so I should fix me first....

ImDONENoMore · Answer

The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself and what your children think of you.  And you have complete control over that.  You're doing so great so don't let what you think others are thinking get in the way.  People in the world will always have an opinion and it's your life and NONE of their business.  It's our job to ignore the negativity.

You can do it - you're already one week so keep going!!!  You and your children are going to be so proud that you're getting healthy.  And that's worth a lot more than what a bunch of people who don't know you might think think about you.  The further you get, the less you're going to care what others think.  I'm sure of that.

Congrats and hang in there!

IBKleen · Answer

I didn't understand that but that is great news!! A week is awesome!! And it is even better to hear that you are getting outside help, that is a huge step. 

Stick around, it is usually quiet at this time of the day but more members will be on tonight who can talk with you and share their experiences.

tiredofbeinsicktired · Answer

I'm sorry maybe I wasn't all that clear though my angry rant. I am sober right now. Have been for about a week. I am in a substance abuse progam and am doing my best to not relapse. That is why I am looking for some other people going thru this. I will hang in there. Thank you for your advice.

IBKleen · Answer

Hi,

I know it is hard but you need to stop worrying about what others think of you, or say about you. They obviously do not understand the disease of addiction. 

That being said, it is not a reason to continue using. You know it is bad and you know you are harming yourself. It is so hard when you are caught up in it to see that the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train. 

You can do this but you need to want to do it for YOU, not for others. 

When you have had enough and you are ready, you will find this is a great place for support. We can help suggest things to get you through those first few days of physical withdrawal, but best of all we can just listen and support you. So when you are ready, let us now.

In the meantime, keep talking here and read through the posts. Read the ones where members have made it to the other side so you know that there is always hope.

Hang in there and don't give up!!