Well...time to get back in my head...

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

Well the holiday was great. Family is gone. And now I am left alone with the thoughts in my head. Of course I had a wonderful time...which on some level I totally needed. My use stems from anxiety so to be free and not stressed was AMAZING. That has not happened in over a year and a half.
BUTT!!!!!.....now it's time to get right. I am fully invested in getting back on track and getting off these damn pills. Tomorrow is Monday and I'm going back to the taper where I should be. I'm getting rid of the extra pills. I took a lot this weekend (in comparison to where I had gotten down to) and will go to 1 and a half 7.5mg pill tomorrow!!! That's a craaaaaaazzzzyy jump. I WILL suffer, that's for sure. But it has to happen.
I won't work again til Friday so hopefully the withdrawal from that jump down will be basically over and I can function at work.
If this goes as planned, in about 3.5 weeks I 'll be totally pill free....fingers crossed!....Wait!! NO!!! I WILL BE FREE!!!
Stay with me folks....I'm going to do this!

[CRSeaside]

I agree with everyone. 1 drastic jump is not a taper.
I want to take issue with your profile name. Please do not set yourself up for a devestating failure. For example. 3x u r out. Some if us fail and then we find the strength & support to go at it again full force.
   Grandpa said, If you don't succeed at first. Try try again.
    I had a few false starts on the Taper plan my Medical & Mental health professionals mapped out for me.
    I'm back at it. Full steam ahead.
      You are a winner.          Pamela

[Sonrissa]

The thing is, I don't think that your extreme tapering this week will help you much if anything. With that much of a drop, you are going to feel the withdrawals. Those last few mgs that you have, are not going to help you function anymore than just going cold turkey. Lots of people go through withdrawals and take care of their children. Just ask Tigerlily. It's not gonna be fun, but you can get through it. I promise you, it will be such an incredible relief to just get rid of the pills. What would you do if you suddenly did get a bad case of the flu? You would still have to take care of your child, wouldn't you? Stop trying to rationalize. Just start and get it over with.

As far as picking out a therapist, as ariley said, do as much research online as you can. Look at their websites, read reviews, even ask your insurance company if they can give you any info. I went through the same thing when I was looking for a therapist. I had to try a couple of different ones before I made a connection that worked great for me. It is extremely important to get some therapy to help you stay clean. And yes, I just spilled my guts out to her. It was such a relief!

Now, let's get on with this and get you through it!

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

Thank you very much for your response. I do not have anyone to help watch my son unfortunately. My husband will be working all week as will other family (not that they know or I want to tell them, my husbands the only one who knows). I get the staying busy thing but it's soooo hard to find motivation. The lack of energy is so hard when I have a VERY VERY energetic 15 month old that literally runs around all day long.
I want this all to be over so very badly though. I am seriously considering just stopping tomorrow. But if I'm not better in 4 days ill have to go back to work feeling ill and I just took the week off for the holiday so it would be hard to miss. But, you know I know I'm more important so I could just see how I feel and call in if I absolutely had to.
Sorry I'm rambling guess I'm just thinking out loud.

[ariley13]

Is there anyone that can help you for a few days with your child? If not, I would still really consider going cold turkey. You will be under the weather for a few days, but still able to function. The more you are able to stay busy, the faster you will heal and the better you will feel. At some point we all have to make the decision to stop letting our addict brains make excuses. There will always be a million reasons to quit, but it only takes one excuse to prevent us from quitting. We all have responsibilities and obstacles that could be used as excuses why now is a bad time to stop using. Use your child as a reason to finally be free. As far as the therapist goes, I know it is a daunting task to blindly choose someone. Maybe do some research online. You should be able to find info about each therapist. It may come down to just giving one a try and going from there. If it's not a good fit you can always move on. Just try to go into it with an open mind. If you don't, you will find plenty of things that you don't like. Also, NA/AA meetings are free and they have them every day. That might be something to consider while you are waiting on the therapist thing to pan out. Just try to be proactive. I know it's scary and very hard. You can do this though. I promise you if you keep a positive attitude and put in the work, you will make it.

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

You know I expected to log on here and see 9 comments of support and encouragemt and you can do it's for the plan I've set up for myself......
And what I got was brutal honest truth from ya'lls hearts.....that I absolutely NEEDED TO HEAR!!!
So, I thank you all for that!!! And I do consider the above comments absolute support and encouragement just so that's clear :)

It's amazing what our minds can do to make us think that this or that thing will work and is "ok".
The truth of it is I have thought about just stopping all together tomorrow. Because honestly, the difference between none and 11.25 mg after a bender weekend isn't really gonna be much. However, I have to take care of my son and feel that those few mg's are going to make me still be able to function somehow. Maybe that's just the addict talking....I don't know. But, I DO have to be able to still be a mother for the next 4 days.
So...what are your thoughts on that?
I have considered just stopping so many times cuz this is being soooooo dragged out. I want to just get it over with. I truly do.

And as far as aftercare, I called my insurance company to see what counseling options are available. They have sent me links to a few local therapists. But the task of picking one is so overwhelming. It seems like such a big thing. This person I will talk to, spill my weaknesses, my soul, my mind to..... How do you just pick a name on a list??!?! I mean...I don't know. And they do it by location. I mean what if tgere is a great one down the road in the bigger city. I 'd be willing to drive farther for better. But...how do you know that?! Plus we only get 5 free visits. What if I waste those on some crap therapist?!? Ugh !

Anxiety, I believe, is the whole reason I'm in this mess (or at least a big part of it).
I wasn't raised with the skills to cope with my feelings, responsibilities, etc and it was easier to hide behind a pill and numb it all. So things that are stressful overwhelm me so so so badly. So yeah the task of picking a therapist is totally freaking me out! I mean everything...it's just the weight of the world right now.
Thoughts/suggestions.....thanks guys !

[brandiroars386]

I also agree with all of the above.  Just think what would happen if you don't tell your secret and then it's found out.  That would be beyond worse than if you just came clean now.  It is what it is, your an addict, tapering and having pills is only setting yourself up for failure.  God knows we don't need any help with that!!!  Either we do it or we don't, there really is no in between.  I am unfamiliar with anything you have done in past tries, however, it might be time to rethink your plan.  Going CT seems like a really great option if you don't have to work until Friday.  Like everyone else has said, you will just be prolonging the inevitable by tapering.  W/D is gonna be unpleasant any way you look at it.  I wish you well.

[nursegirl6572]

I forgot to add...you need to change your thread title to "Time to get OUT of my head"...because you've been stuck there for FAR too long hon!  

Big hugs!

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with the above too, and as I said on your relapse thread, your plan to resume your taper is another of your addict mind's tricks to keep you using, because frankly it's scary to let go completely.

To be honest, and with all sincerity, I think you're fooling yourself here.  A taper hasn't worked for you ANY time you've tried it.  Something has to really change.  Time to get honest with yourself, that's just my opinion.

Going back to your taper plan is not a viable recovery plan.  You cannot control your usage.  Just because you call it a "taper" and have a plan doesn't mean you'll adhere to it.  Surrender to the fact that you're an addict and you're NOT in control.

I know you're scared to let go, but if you don't, it's just going to be more of the same.  

We're always here for you!

[Sonrissa]

I agree with all of the above. There is absolutely no shame in not being able to taper. Most of us couldn't. I tried several times, and failed miserably. All of those attempts only made me more miserable and depressed and anxious. I thinks it's time to stop putting yourself through this madness. We will help and support you through every step. Please consider this! Take care!

[Dane74]

OOPS my bad....  I meant to say "truth shall set us free"  Or secrets will only make this worse, you need to get honest here and just CT now while you are off work and get it done!!  Tell the truth, you need all the accountability you can get we all do!

[Dane74]

"our secrets will set us free"!  

[ariley13]

I am in total agreement with Clean in Kansas. I know it's so scary to tell your secret and we all fear the consequences our using will have not only on ourselves, but our loved ones. It sounds like it is time to give it up and do this the right way. This is the perfect opportunity to go cold turkey. You will be feeling better by the time you have to return to work. That one and a half pills that you are planning on taking tomorrow is going to do nothing for you except to drag out  your misery and tempt you to get yet more pills. Please stop the insanity and just be done. It's time start your new, clean, and happy life. Give you and your family the fresh start that you deserve. There's no better time than the present. Please stay close and keep posting. We are here for you and really want to see you succeed. Take care of yourself and try to keep your head up.

[clean_in_ks]

Well girl....I've been following you for 7 months now....you made it thru gallbladder surgery...you are more than likely done nursing/breastfeeding your child by now....you almost got cut off by your dr, but were then given Grace by your dr (and your husband) to do the taper you've so desired and been attempting all these past months.  You admitted to us you got pills this weekend behind your husband's back that weren't included in the "taper plan" from your dr. and yet you are still convincing yourself to use these next 4 days off work "to get your head back in the taper game".

Imo, it's time to really get honest with yourself and surrender here.  In addition to flushing your stash that no one knows about, it's time to just "go for it" and use this time you've got off work to w/draw and then get some counseling lined up that you've been talking about.

I know you're scared to tell your husband that you lied.....but when you FULLY surrender and admit that tapering is not for you....you can get the worst of the w/drawals over with before you have to go back to work Friday.

You said you drank a lot as a teenager, you had a pill problem before your husband and your baby came into your life....and it's understandable that you don't want to risk what it will do to your marriage yet again....but you're gonna be so sick tomorrow anyway...why not just STOP NOW?  The battle in your mind is wearing you out......and if you can admit that tapering isn't working....that's when you will finally find some freedom.  Flushing and telling your secret, once again, will end this ongoing battle.  I wish you well.

[ricart70]

Good luck and I hope you are able to stick to your plan. Keep your eye on the prize and be honest with yourself and you will make it just fine friend. Glad you had a great thanksgiving