MY RELAPSE CONFESSION

[flmagi]

I started back using sometime around Christmas. Family & friends know about it. But I have been to ashamed to tell anyone here. I also didn't want to discourage any newbies. I have no doubt some of you suspected the relapse.  I had been clean about 2 months, but as some of you know, I had become very depressed. Life was just so bad. Excuses.  I turned the pills away a few times, had them in my hands. I was so proud of myself. But it just took the right triggers at the right time and I lost. The anti-depressants I started taking weren't working fast enough.  So, work has picked up, actually getting slammed with jobs (good thing). Don't have the time to go thru withdrawels and certainly can't deal with the depression again. But I hate this. Don't want to take these pills anymore. So, so angry I ever got started on this stuff. What have I done to my life? I know so many things would be different if I had never started. Oh god, such a major life fuk up.  Major fuk up!!!    So Wed. we're (yes,Mary too)(sorry Mary) off to the Doctor to get on Suboxone. We're very excited about doing this and moving in a positive direction. A permanent positive direction.  We have no insurance, so it's gonna cost a bundle, but well worth it , I hope. Most every one that has or is on it, seems to swear by it. Wish us luck.
I feel I have deceived all of you by not admitting my relapse. I'm so sorry. But I could not really do that without turning Mary in too, and thats not my place to do Marys confession. I told her I was fessing up now. Its time. Long over due.
To all the newbies getting clean: Watch and plan ahead for trigger points. They will happen to the strongest of us. Be prepared, be strong.

[IBKleen]

May I lecture? Want your permission first, because I think you know what I am going to say.....

[flmagi]

Thanks for all the support and understanding. I want to be on the Sub as short a time as possible so, i guess I'll start tappering  after the first week, like suggested.
I really can't wait to do this! I want to feel like I did "pre-drugs". So tired of this ****, my life revolving around my pills or lack of them. Always wondering if I'll have enough to finish a job. Always counting them, like their a bottle of diamonds I need to keep track of. Would you beleive Mary & I have developed, without realizing it, our own little code words regarding the pills, like "the aahh factor" , the feeling you get when the pills kick in, and "falling down" ..when the pills wear off,  &  "pill me" means get Mary a pill out of her purse while shes driving. OH to be done with this nonsense once and for all and feel normal.  Tommorrow will be my last day of pain meds. yeah!!!!!   I feel like I'm getting ready to go on vacation. Very excited!

[troubleinohio]

Not mad at you ladies and Im glad you confessed. I suspected as much a long time ago when you both sorta stopped posting suddenly with no explanation. Wishing you both the best and hope the Sub works out for you guys!

[teacher569]

hi, Im a newbie, you are not a fck up, your kinda my hero. goiong to the dr, geting on sub your ding what it takes. Please share your wisdom, g-d knows us new kids can use it. Teach

[girlybuff]

PS, afterwards I would be a bit tired but nothing some vitamins wouldn't cure and it didn't last long.  I had relatively no PAWS but I was on zoloft which in my opinion is God's greatest invention!!
LOL

[girlybuff]

I am sober 6 years from alcohol and illegal substances.  I had a horrible pregnancy (yes this road started while I was pregnant) riddled with pain that cuased my blood pressure to spike.  So after 2 operations and a subsequent herniated disc and torn ligaments from 2, yes 2 car accidents whilst I was pregnant.... my road to yet another addiction began.  I would say in total I was ont hem for about  4 months as prescribed by my ob/gyn, never more than 2 7.5 vicodins a day.  After my daughter was born, I graduated to 5 mg percs, then 10 mg percs and for about 5 or 6 months or so I gradually got up  to 30 10 mg percs a day, popping 5 at a time just to get that 1/2 hour high.
So I woke up, much like I did when I was drinking and said no more.  I went c/t.  I wanted to die but just when I was about to turn the corner at day 4 or so, I took 1 to take the edge off and suddenly I realized my tolerance was lowered so I took 1 here and there and then it quickly became an issue again so I went the Sub route.
By normal I mean like I felt before the pain pills.  I was clear headed, not lethargic, normal.  The longer you're on it the worse your w/d will be.  Don't let the dr tell you to stay on it for 6 months.  They say that so you can use that 6 months to get your life back together but if you take it to detox and start NA or AA or therpy and keep a plan in sight you won't need to be on it as maintenance. The docs don't know as much about it as they think.  They tell you they will take you down 2 mgs every couple of months and that you can jump off at 2 mg but thatis a death sentence.  Take it from me, no more than 21 days IF that.