Avatar universal

Melt down

I've been clean for 12 days and I'm seriously feeling like I'm having a breakdown. Not because of the fact I'm not  taking any pain pills but the pain itself. It hurts so bad to even sit up. I'm starting physical therapy which I'm sure it's going to be painful at first. Idk everything is getting to me. My son tells everyone is mom looks young but it's like she's 90.  I feel like a horrible mom. Even tho I've done and taken my kids places most kids will never experience but I can't enjoy it with them. Like amusement parks I can't ride. Went to zoo only stayed an hour because I couldn't walk anymore.  It's so frustrated because I've done  everything the drs asked and then some and it's like it's getting worse not better.  I don't want my kids to resent me and feel like I don't "do" more like participate in things with them.  My son wants to go to waterpark for his bday but needs an adult to ride with and obviously I can't.  Idk guess just a bad day and needed to vent. They say the pain gets better without the meds I sure wish it would hurry up :/
21 Responses
1810386 tn?1405549577
Keep venting !!!..

Let it all out, the pain does easy and the days will get better.

Your doing so well on day 12 and with children, Your amazing I'm struggling and it's just my partner and me, then my partners been looking after me and I'm on day 6 so I can't even imagine what your going through..

Keep it going Girl you are doing zoo well.. Hats off to you..
Avatar universal
Hey there. For the actual pain, I'm sure some of the other regulars will chime in and YES everyone says their pain has gotten better w/o pills. I can tell you that you despising yourself and feeling like a bad mom etc is normal because in 12 days your brain is still adjusting. You know how we numbed everything, so now your brain is rebelling. What are you doing for aftercare? Lemme tell you I quit over a year ago but kept relapsing (small ones) which became bigger ones. I finally started going to AA (can be NA or whatever) every dang day and I am not a white-knuckling nutcase now. It still feels weird being there but so far, it's the only thing KEEPING me off pills.

You are not a bad mom, it's just your thoughts are skewed. We can't believe our own brains, they lie to us.
Avatar universal
Well its like I know my kids would just enjoy going to the park and walk the trails and I can't even do that because I'm in so much pain. I've been taking Motrin ibprofen but hasn't helped. I'm starting physical therapy this week which I've never had after any of my surgeries because my surgeon didnt want me going but after over a year of begging my family dr gave me a script.  I actually have no desire to take a pain pill. But I am going to this women's retreat this weekend  it's kinda like an after rehab care. Which they do physical activities and work on ways to manage pain other then narcotics.  It's one weekend a month and my family dr thought it would be a good thing for me to try. I'm only going to stay one night the first time to make sure I can handle it physically and they also do na type things.  I have been thinking about doing the laser back surgery but I have to wait a year sine my last surgery which was just a couple months ago.  I wish I never had the surgeries  biggest mistake of my life.  
Avatar universal
Well I'll chime in cuz I've see. It first hand. My aunt was on 5 percs a day. She's got major bones issues.  But a while back made the decision enough. Her docs weaned her off. A few months later, this woman who live with debilitating pain was on just the tylenon and Motrin and was not suffering like she was fully medicated. Something she told me really resonates with me. She said when she was on all the percs and would bump into something hard like we all do, that the pain would shut her down. Now if she shoulder bumps a wall, it's hurts like it does for normal people. In other words , a boo boo for the highly medicated hurts worse than is does for the Unmedicated cuz the pain sensors  are all messed up. I've seen her with my own eyes. I'm living for that day one day at a time!
Avatar universal
Sweet lady, hello !!!
Congratulations on 12 days : )
I didnt take my 3 kiddies out for over a year, can you imagine how guilty i felt.
No park, shops, zoo, anywhere.
I was always sick from heroin abuse.
The guilt had broken my heart so many times.
Now im neally 8 months clean and only started taking my babies out again a few weeks ago.
The thing is, its ok, we are not perfect, your not the only one who goes through this.
Just being with your children is enough for now. You cant be expected to be superwoman at the moment, there is plenty of time for that : )
Your guilt will lesson over time i do promise that. You will get through this hurdle because i believe you will !!!
As a parent we push ourselves to the extreme, juggling not only our lives, but our kids. We do what we have to do for now and only what we can do for now.
What your feeling is normal at 12 days, the guilt gets to people so much in early recovery. You can do this ok !!!

Our lord sais " Its not how you act when your life is perfect, but how you act when your life is falling apart ".
Meaning, when things feel at such a loss and nothing is going your way and your feeling pain in your heart, thats when its your time to shine. Thats when its your time to show yourself how strong of a woman you are and take control. Forget about the past and guilt. You cant fix what was, but you can fix what is....
Let go of your past, you can do this xxx
Avatar universal
I feel like when i was on the pills I was able to more things obviously since I wasn't in pain.  Now I will be walking and my leg will go numb and I will kind go down. I catch myself before I completely fall on my ***.   I'm so happy to be off them nothing worse knowing I had to take my pills with me everywhere I went just so I wouldn't get sick. But I did move around so much better Wiith them. Prior to my surgeries I took perk 7.5 for many many years never had an issue took them only when I was hurting bad.  It was when I was given the oxycodone that got me addicted so quick which I understand its like all pain meds.  I thought about asking the dr what he thought about me taking ultrums which is weaker then a Vic and only take them when I'm in major pain or even when I want to do something fun with the kids.  I also am prescribed adderal for about 3 years even tho I'm suppose to take them everyday I never do. I usually forget then its too late I the day to take them so I never had an issue with them.  Do you think the ultrums would be ok to take an as need basis. I know I won't take then daily because I never want to experience what I went thru Ever again what I did with the oxycodone.  I just want to be functional for my kids   Idk, honestly I don't know what the best thing is.  This hollestic dr mention these pills u take 3 times a day. I'm assuming like a herbal pill but of course insurance don't cover them and its $10 a day. I didn't even spend that one my oxycodone the insurance paid that.  I would rather spend that money on my children especially since it isn't a sure thing. I just fell wore out and just drained and don't know what to do.  I always want to add that I have a rx for valuims and Ativan 30 each and they both lasted me months and still have some. I was given then in April.  So I know I can control managaging not abusng heck maybe even the oxycodone but I wouldn't ever risk it
4204073 tn?1361831476
Please stay away from Ultram / tramadol.  It binds to your opiate receptors and keeps your addiction active.  Plus they are way worse to come off then opiates due to the SSRI qulaity in them.  The Dr at my treatment center said they are just as bad to come off of as benzos.  I know you want relief, but they are not the answer.  I am at day 26 and have pain in my legs still and I so badly want relief, but I am trusting the process that it will end.  Others have come before me and done this, so it can be done.  I'm not saying I like it.  I have to distract myself so I don't think about it.  For the time being, be ok with not being ok.  You are healing.  Hang in there, you are doing great.
Avatar universal
I have read that on here that ultrams can be addicting.  I was just thinking since they aren't nearly as strong as oxycodone or even a Vic that I could just taken if I really was in a ton of pain. I know my grandmother takes them every so often. But I am going to wait it out and stick with Motrin and Ibuprofen until after I finish therapy. Even tho the thought of how painful therapy is going to be scares me to death.  I'm not walking/moving around good at all right now and I'm even more hunched over then I was. Which is so embarrassing and I feel like I'm embarrassing my kids when I'm with them.  I know being frustrated isn't going to help or solve anything  and like everyone I just want to be better now.  One day at a time I guess  
3197167 tn?1348968606
Being better NOW is how we all wanna feel.....but after years of taking opiates....our receptors scream when they are laid bare.  You've been taking pain meds a long time...so if you're like me (and a lot of us) you have no REAL idea what you pain levels will be for awhile.
In fact, they get WORSE before they get BETTER.  It's rebound pain....we have opiate receptors in our guts and all up and down our spine.  They are used to having a drug....and now they are saying, WHAT are you doin to me????

I am a chronic pain person....I've had back surgery too.  I have numbness in my legs, problems with nerve pain and a lot of other issues.  But once I took the time to learn about what happens in the brains of those who take pain meds for a LONG time....and what happens to our pain receptors...it all began to make some sense to me.  Above all,  please read about opioid-induced hyperalgesia.  It is EXACTLY what happens to many people that are on ANY opioid for a long period of time....we end up with opioid-induced ABNORMAL PAIN SENSITIVITY.  

I'm glad to read a number of things.....that you are going to meetings, that you are attending that weekend women's retreat to learn non-narcotic ways to deal with pain (s/b a great learning experience! wish I had one to go to close to me) and that you finally have a PT script.  Those are ALL fantastic!!!  A good physical therapist will do a thorough intake on you and work with your specific issues....and do it s l o w ly.  Don't be afraid....it will be a GOOD thing. (we don't have to like something to do it..LOL)
You will be amazed (in TIME) how much better your TRUE pain levels really are w/o drugs.  My therapist told me we have 3 BIG goals....because the trauma of cutting all the nerves in my spine during surgery affected a LOT of things.  She says we are working towards gaining:  1) space, 2) movement and 3) bloodflow.  Inactivity is BAD for destroying those 3 things.

Hopefully you are eating some good proteins and veggies, taking some nutritional supplements, drinking LOTS of good water and at least forcing yourself to walk some.  I know it's painful.....but besides MUCH NEEDED circulation of blood throughout your whole body....the discs in your spine need lubrication....which walking provides.  (And WATER helps a lot!!)

You will be a MUCH better Mom to your kids if you can learn to manage your pain without narcotics.  The more you learn about addiction and brain chemistry of addicts....you will realize that those old days of being able to "control" ANY narcotic are simply gone.  It doesn't matter if it is Vics (hydrocodone), Oxycodone, or Ultram/Tramadol.  They all affect opiate receptors.....and yours are forever changed like mine are.  Please don't talk yourself into being able to take Ultram/Tramadol "just once in awhile".  It's a lie your addict brain is telling you.  And like someone told you above, Tramadol is a TOTALLY synthetic opioid and has an antidepressant property in it.  It is VERY hard to get off of.  Just because your Gma can take one "every once in awhile" doesn't mean you can with your long drug history.  Keep pushing thru to the otherside....you will be an even MORE amazing Mom when you aren't dependent on ANY kind of pill.  You're getting there!!!   Congrats on 12 DAYS PILL FREE!!

1926359 tn?1331588139
Can't really add much to the wonderful advice given above except support.
I know how you feel.  I am in so much pain right now I can't do the smallest activity and I feel like I am constantly letting everyone down.
But you gotta learn about pacing.  Resting.  Being gentle with yourself.
Please stay away from the Ultrams- they are terrible, way harder to get off than the opiates you've been taking.  You need some time and to give yourself a break.  I think this weekend's retreat will be wonderful for you.
You're doing so well and I am proud of you.
Hang in there.
Avatar universal
Thanks yeah I def will stay away from them  and pray that therapy gives me some relieve and they are also going to do massage therapy.   I'm usually not an emotional person but the last 2 days I've just been breaking down crying. I feel like I'm having midlife crisis lol   I know I'm probably getting upset over nothing about my kids. My youngest made an schedule on a piece of paper last night with times on it and I got to pick what time I was going to my "massage appointment " with him lol.  And he did give me a massage.  I just hate that him being only 7 that he worries so much about me. My oldest who is 12 understand more.   Then when I had my surgeries kids wasn't allowed to visit and he was in nervous wreck the whole time.  Even tho I reassure him all the time that I'm fine I still feel he carries this weight of worry on his shoulders.  He ask me all the time when I will be able to walk right. Then he got mad a me because I can't take him to the waterpark for his bday  made me feel so horrible
Avatar universal
Just wanted to add that his dad signed his rights over to him so it's always been us and we are very close. My oldest is to my exhusband who is a wonderful father and has him just as much as I do. So my little one and I are together 24/7   I can understand his concerns that he don't want anything to happen to his mom. He does know who his dad is but he only sees him when he has "time" type thing.   I even asked his dad without my son knowing if he would come to the waterpark with us and I would even pay so he could go on the slides with him but of course he's busy  
3197167 tn?1348968606
Girl, we were all VERY emotional when we first removed the opiates.  It's part of the package.  Please try not to beat yourself up about your little one.  You getting clean, trying some new approaches to your pain, and TIME itself will SHOW him with his very own, sweet little 7 yr old eyes that his Mama is getting better.  He KNOWS you love him....and he is so sweet to schedule a massage for you...LOL  It's also normal for him to want and desire a trip to the waterpark.  If his absentee/busy daddy won't help, maybe another family member will.  If not NOW....another idea might be to promise him a trip when you are someone else can go.  It could be pre-arranged and planned now (as a gift/present)...but just not done until later.  Then, find out what his heart's desire is for his "second best wish" for this bday....and do that for now.  Your recovery HAS to come first right now....and a life full of new activities with your wee one will open up.  Just trust, believe and keep doing what you are doing.  You'll get thru this phase...you absolutely will.
Avatar universal
Hi what your feeling is ''rebound pain'' it is your brain scrambling to find endorphins....using keeps the brain happy with a cost  you need to keep taking more and more  just know this will get better but it takes a wile  I was on 150mg of methadone and that stoped working only to leave me with a huge addiction to overcome as time goes by things like tylonal and ibuprofen will start to work again I ame in less pain now then I was on the narcotics i know it is hard but try to exorcize it will get the brain going again start out slow and work your way up day by day I went threw the same thing with my lower back and you feel helpless to do anything for it what ever you do dont pick up narcotics it will put you back to square one and tell your brain pain will reward it keep posting for support YOU CAN DO THIS!!!...........Gnarly..................
Avatar universal
Thank you everyone for the advice it honestly made me feel better. My days been running together I'm actually today is 14 days cleans soon the be 15. I understand why people count either days but for me just one more day cleans for me is is all I care about. Sure I look the calendar and count my days ever so often but one thing I relived in rehad is not to Jump ahead just take it day by day and so far that's what I've been doing and it's been working good   Except my few breakdowns. Funny things is I've had many more bad things happen to be and I've never broke down like this.  Even tho my family knows and maybe only one friend knows. I'm just so embarrassed and ashamed.  Another issue I'm having is I'm in a werid situation.  My husband and I are separated and my kids and I moved in with my exhusband  who we haven't been together for over 11 years but continued to be friends for my son and he's an amazing father. Absoulsty nothing going on between us but he let myself and youngest son move in with him to help with the kids while I was in hospital and recovering.  I'm more the able to move and take care of my children on my home but I've been looking for a place for months.  Now he does pills just when he can get them. Before I went to rehab I sat down with him and explained how important it was to me and when I get home he can't be hounded me for pills. I told him he didn't realize how fast you could be addicted and I didn't want my son to have both parents addicted.  Literally 35 minutes after I got home he started   I'm not working obviously. I applied for disability over a year ago but everytime you go to a new dr they give them 3 months to respond and of course I've seen serval other drs and had several surgeries plus the rehab  which means they have to give all of them time to respond  and also I reported that I went to detox.  I used to work for a cardiovascular surgeron but obviously I'm unable to do that anymore. I can't be on my feet long, can't lift nor give injections or ivs (had elbow surgery too and can't straighten my arm out completely.  So I feel like I'm stuck here. Don't get me wrong I'm greatful that he did this for my kids and I but its not helping my stress level at all.   I wonder all the time how my life got so damn screwed up.  I've worked since I was 16. I put myself thru school got two 2 degrees and for not cant do anything with me.  If I've I found a simple job that pretty much did nothing it would never last since I see so many drs   As well as my son who has been admitted in the hospital 32 times.  I just wish something would go my way for once.  I'm not ungreatful at all if it seems like I'm coming off that way.  I would quit a job making millions to be by sons side while he was in the hospital.   I was offered to bartend 2 or 3 nights a week the owner said its whatever I can handle but i wanna therapy first for awhile to make sure I can handle it. Nothing worse then a crabby bartender lol.  I even tried working from home but I can't sit still I can't type good since elbow surgery. The nursing home looks better and better everyday.   Sorry everyone for for pouring out all my problems on you guys
Avatar universal
Hi, gonna be direct here: have you started aftercare yet? That is vital for dealing w/ this. I can't say it any other way.
Avatar universal
Oops, maybe you are going to meetings. I didn't read all the posts.
Avatar universal
Maybe I'll rock your boat, but I have to say that aftercare is a MUST have. To this day i don't feel like I was an "addict" per se..but I WAS physically dependent. Which, at the end of the day, I am an addict, never dreamed I would label myself as such, but that's where I am. Aftercare provides you with so much insight, it helps you more than you think it would. I fought it for so long. Never thought I needed if because I was "physically" dependent. But honestly, we all let ourselves become that way for a reason, and the therapy lets us realize why. And once we get through it, we can help others who have been in that same situation. And let me tell you...it's EXHILARATING! I didn't realize until much later that helping others would be my prize, but it's a prize worth seeking because it feels great. Keep holding your head up. Keep thinking about what's in store for you. It takes a minute to get thru, but it really is ohhhh so worth it. I promise!!!
Avatar universal
Hey girl I'm so sorry to hear about all the challenges you are facing.  I just wanted to add that having crying spells in the beginning is totally normal.  Opiates numb body pain,  but they also numb emotions. When we come off them, all the emotional pain of the past comes flooding back. It's amazing the stuff we can ignore while using.  Cry those tears and let it all out. Bottled up emotions can kill. We all went through this stage and I promise it will pass. Do things with the kids like playing game/ cards, reading stories and watching favorite movies.  Your attention is what they crave more than any zoo or park. Hang in there mama. It does improve.  Love, MsD
4204073 tn?1361831476
I can't add much more than all the great advice given.  I hear at meetings all the time about how when we try to manage our own lives without the assistance of a higher power, we become self will-run riot.  We are powerless over drugs and our lives have become unmanageable.  Our problems don't go away when we take away our DOC, but we find  a new way to live.  I had so many expectations from people and life and because of that I was always disPpointed.  I see now I have no control over those things.  I only have control over how I choose to react to them.  you are doing great.  It is normal to beat yourself up at this time we your emotions come rushing back.  Perhaps journaling them can help?  
Avatar universal
Yes I do have aftercare set up,  I leave tomorrow for a weekend retreat  that works on ways to manage pain without pain meds and do some physical activities and have na meetings.  It's 1 weekend a month......   I know that I am only 15 days clean and only at the start of this journey but for everyone that has chronic pain about how long after you got clean did your pain ease up?
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