I tried a therapist for aftercare. Not sure here..

[BarbRTR]

Hi all.
I went Friday to my first appt with the addiction specialist. I'm trying to follow the advise of the ones here that got it right!

I waited all weekend to post, trying to calm down and accept blame for the way the appt went.

Basically by the end of the appt he said if I couldn't open up, I was destined to fail, and we would be wasting each others time.

Seems he wanted a concrete problem in my life to focus on. He asked me if I was sexually abused as a child.. Out of the blue. I was like no.. I had the two single best parents out there. He then accused me of becoming defensive. Like I was hiding something, but I wasn't abused, he brought up the question in the first 5 minutes of the appt. we werent even talking about my childhood at the time. It hadn't been brought up yet.

I can't pinpoint anything bad in my life that made me become addicted to my prescription RX's.

Sure I had trauma in my life. Parents suddenly die when I was 24, and an abusive marriage. However, I climbed out of that marriage, got my self esteem back, went on with my life, got another college degree, etc. it's been over 10 years. I feel that chapter is closed, and has nothing to do with this.

If anything it's because of getting sick, and my entire life being turned upside down, as I can't do normal stuff, such as work, or even make plans. My friends all know they can make plans with me to go to the movies, but we really won't know until an hour before. And I did get sick over a year before going on opiates, so I know what's opiate based and what's not.

He also said I was against odds of being successful quitting since pills hadn't really begun to affect my life. ( no running out early, no getting from the streets, no hurt relationships) but I did tell him I was abusing the RX terribly!

I don't know. Do I need a bad thing to be the cause? He really made me feel bad, and certainly not hopeful.

I know AA meetings are prob the best, and I hope to go in the future. Right now, my anxiety is too much for large spaces such as a wal mart, or a meeting filled with so many people. I'm not anxious about going itself.. I used to go to open
Meetings with my ex. I know they are great.

The anxiety is something I am working on. It's better, I can have the TV on some now ( the noise bothers me) I have allowed friends to come visit too, but only one at a time. This is huge considering three weeks ago I wouldn't leave the bedroom, nor even go get the mail.

I also made plans to go to church, once the anxiety eases.

My main question is this how specialists do? Make you find some traumatic event that triggered this? I'm open with my psych Dr that I see for bi polar. I have no trouble being open with a specialist for this either.

But, I'm wondering if he's right and I wasn't? I just can't think what else to tell him.

He had me in tears of frustration, but he's also the specialist, so obviously I'm wrong.

Any input, even tough love, would be greatly appreciated, as I want to get this right. I'm day 34. Thank you all very much.

[BarbRTR]

You're so very wise! And ironically, I have one friend with a terrible gambling addiction. It nearly cost her her marriage, it did cost her her job, and she has gone from well off to paycheck to paycheck.
She lied, forged, etc. I was there for her, and I am now letting her be there for me.
I guess I should have said addiction/trauma  versus substance addiction.  Anyone who has changed who they were for a time.

Hopefully one day I am as wise as you, or at least think things through better. My emotions are still everywhere. Ty Weaver.

Sara, I called his office today, and instead of canceling my next appt, I told the receptionist to tell him he was fired!

[weaver71]

Maybe this will help. My therapist asked me if a person had to be an addict to help an addict. My snap answer was, yes. She asked me to think about that for awhile. She never gave me the "right answer." We had been covering crisis. I thought long and hard about that. I thought back on women I had talked with about their domestic violence and rape, and I made them feel better and I made them look at things in a way that helped them cope. I've never been a victim of domestic violence or raped. I came to the conclusion that all people experience crisis, and to be helpful, one has to have worked through crisis and developed coping skills. Suffering is suffering. Over eating, gambling, drugs, even excessive exercise are all forms of escape from something bigger. Everyone experiences something they don't want to face and how we respond is different, but crisis is crisis. Some people spill wine on the new carpet and that's rock bottom, others go into a coma before the bottom comes, but we don't all have to have the same experience to relate to pain, shame, or suffering. I decided that it is easier for a person with similar experience to be helpful, but truly empathetic people can feel your pain, no matter how different it may seem. That doesn't mean the therapist you went to was right, to me it means they didn't really get the big picture of recovery, no matter what you are recovering from. I had to deal with a lot my resentments and anger, I don't like the way they make me feel. That frame of thinking helped me.

[dominosarah]

Find a different therapist. This one is a Dbag!

[BarbRTR]

Thanks Free, and thanks for the book recommendation! I am an avid reader, why not read something of value?

I feel very strongly about the non addicts trying to say they understand or  give me advise. ( The ones in my life I have told, or this Dr)

I hope that feeling goes away, it's almost anger, which is not a trait I have. Or didn't!

This forum is like my safe place right now to express my feelings. To know EVERYONE here has been through it, ( although I wish they hadn't) is a miracle place for me. At least i would assume all the members of the substance abuse forum are addicts. I look forward to my anxiety lessening, and hopefully having some good physical hours from my illness to go to NA.

My experience back when I  drug my ex hubby to open AA meetings, ( he is an alcoholic) I noticed they didn't seem very receptive to the people that came addicted to narcotics instead. That was around 1995, so wondering if that's changed any?

There are many more AA meetings around here than NA, which is why I ask instead of just going straight to NA.

[Free2agoodhome]

Hello,

Addiction specialist ?  really...if he is not in recovery he is of no value. IMO

In other words   "  I read a lot of books on addiction and now I have the credentials to counsel you ?"  ummm,,,,,

AA/NA  was founded on the principle of one addict/.alcoholic helping another who is newer than them.  (that simple)  it's how recovery is sparked.

Only another addict can truly speak to the heart of another...the recovery/healing you seek will be found in the fellowship, experience, strength and hope of another....... much like people on this site.....

A good read is "Blessed are the addicts"..,out of print but you can still find it,,,,,,it really goes in to the spiritual side of addiction...

sure childhood trauma, loss, abuse can be part of WHY we use but those things are sorted out in time.......through the working of the steps,,,it's a recovery process...not really a 10 doctor visit "im cured "  thing,,,,,

You will do fine,,,,,,,,rooting for u

Free~

[BarbRTR]

Ps, Klean, you gave great advise! Love the way you worded some things, it made me laugh hard, I needed that! :)

[BarbRTR]

Thanks all! I felt very down all weekend after that appt.
Weaver, interesting saying " take what you want and leave the rest"-- I'm afraid being this early in recovery, I take anything ( advise) because I don't know any better. Hence why I thought the Dr must be right. Although I must say I'm relieved to know I don't have to subject myself to that.

Maybe as Klean said, my gut is kicking in!

Am I weird that I don't want non addicts giving me advise yet?

I had no idea they had online meetings. Something I will look into right away. Even after my anxiety subsides, going to meetings is going to be hit or miss due to my illness, but still plan to go when able. And church as well.

Hope everyone has a blessed day.

[killerzoey]

I don't like your therapist and I've never met him :) If it feels creepy, I'd keep looking.

[Pat1956100]

Barb
I agree.  I don't think the counselor is for you.  There are many out there and they should be taking it slow.  It sounds like he has a one size fits all approach to therapy and that sure isn't how it works.
Check out other options for sure and don't go back to him.

[clean_in_ks]

Before I forget....Ron....you're a HOOT...I'm sure a lot of others would like to get on Weaver's appt list, too.  LOL

Barb....don't go back to that person!!  Nada...no....for sure NOT. LOL  Listen to your gut, babe.  It's RIGHT on.....I didn't have a traumatic event(s) that led me into my pain pill addiction either.  I was in AA for YEARS and yrs, then started including church and small groups WAY before my medical crises that led to pain pill use.  Since you have already been to some open AA mtgs in your past and think they are great....follow thru on that as soon as you can and your goal of returning to church.  Spiritual FOOD is critical for us.  We were created body, mind AND spirit....and many in recovery focus on healing there physical body and maybe some will try renewing their minds, but forget their spirits are STARVED.  One way you can help yourself maybe, for right now until your anxiety lessens and allows you more public outings, is to participate in online meetings and participate in chat rooms.  I read about 3 or 4 little daily meditation books each morning to learn new ways thinking and of living a life of recovery.  A very small price to pay out of a day (maybe 30 minutes... some days more, some days less.) compared to the amount of time I was consumed by pain and my pills!  NA has a way to receive a daily meditation from their approved literature book called "Just for Today" on their website.  I signed up to have it sent every day to my email inbox.  I LOVE it.  The more ways I can feed my spirit and learn to live thru these battles in my mind and heart....the better I do.  What goes IN....comes OUT....so I am responsible for what I put IN there now, ya know? LOL  In one of the many PAWS articles I've been reading lately, it says (I promise to quote just a little haha) "Many of the problems associated w/early sobriety do not stem directly from drugs and alcohol. Instead, they are associated with physical and psychosocial (not psycological.....psycho----social)
changes that occur AFTER the chemicals have left our bodies.  These alterations in our nervous systems, physical condition, and emotional adjustments are known as Post Acute W/drawal Syndrome (PAWS)"
"Symtoms:  Inability to solve problems.....six things contribute to this:
trouble thinking clearly, emotional overreaction, memory problems, sleep disturbances, physical coordination problems, difficulty in managing stress."

I don't know about you.....but ME....YES WOW ....ALL of those things!
They can affect all of us differently, at diff times up to a year or more after getting clean.  They can come and go....at 30 60 90, 240 days, etc.  I'm learning that SIMPLE doesn't mean EASY.....no sh*t **** Tracy!!  But, for now....do what you CAN....you are doing FABULOUS, Barb!  You have clear cut goals, and you ARE making progress.....that's all we can do FOR TODAY.......
Guess I coulda summed all that up by saying...."this counselor..... .....fergettabout it"  LOL
Hugs o bunch to you~

[Norco1947]

Hi Weaver ,  I know its a little early but can i make a appointment for your first day of counseling .  
Darn for the last 6 months i been getting your counceling FREE on this site .
Good going , live happy & enjoy ... Ron

[gnarly_1]

Hi after doing both drug therapy and N/A I find Na a better fit you will be welcome and not asked to speek at all however once you see how open and friendly the people are I think you will give it a try there are lots of good counselors out there so try another if not but if I was you I would give N/A a shot first good luck and God bless...............Gnarly  

[weaver71]

Here in Cali, to be an addiction counselor is a 2yr program, but I just had to drop out and take a job to make it through today. I got a really good job, so school will be on the weekends and nights. Being in class is like group therapy. Sometimes we'll be discussing things and half the class will be crying. Most the time it's lots of laughs and real practical tools for self-help as well as helping others. 9 out of 10 of the students are addicts, the others where victims of domestic violence or some crisis. I'm luck to be surrounded by so many recovering addicts and have this place, addicts are so amazingly loving, caring people. I figure I need more time than 2 yrs clean anyway, the methadone detox taught me what real patience is all about. I have the rest of my life to do what I want, no hurry, no worry. I will continue the classes, even if my job turns out to be a keeper. Addiction counseling has become a passionate hobby if nothing else. I have worked with 3 people concerning narcotics in my AA meetings. My dealer actually went on suboxone. All things in their own good time. Right action leads to exponential blessings. I can't believe how much better my attitude is now, I surprise myself sometimes. I hope you feel better soon, I know you will eventually. And like they say in meetings, when you are getting advice or counsel, take what you need and leave the rest.

[BarbRTR]

Thank you. I didn't know what to expect, so I wasn't sure if what I experienced was the normal for this type counselor.

I felt like I was being badgered though. Again, not sure if that was how it was supposed to be.

He told me I was lying ( sp) about not having cravings for the pills. Craving for pain relief yes. But I told him I didn't care in which form that came in, the surgery I need, or whatever that came in. I believe I was honest when I said the only time taking a pill ever crossed my mind was during severe pain times. I also told him about this forum, not by name, and said maybe not craving pills was that pink cloud I had heard people mention but I never knew what it meant. Still not totally sure.

The town I live in, although in one of the worst pill epidemic states, has only a couple of these specialists.

I'm fighting a severe gastroenteritis flare up too, with throwing up hourly. So until I can get to AA or NA, any reading suggestions that may help?

I really do want to take the next step, aftercare. I know it's as imperative as flushing my pills and telling my secret day 7 was.

Weaver, that is wonderful that you are going to school for this! I truly believe the best counselors are going to be someone that has been here. There are some things you just can't learn out of a book. Plus, it would have to make you feel better too, part of your lifelong recovery, to help others.
How long is your program? How soon until your actually counseling? I'm so happy for you.

I know when I got my second degree, something I wanted badly ever since my Mom died, it had something to do with how she was treated wrong in the hospital, and I vowed then to get that degree so I could be of comfort I hoped to families dealing with something similar in the future. It took 12 years to be able to start the degree, and I went to school full time and worked nights and I had never been so proud of myself as getting that degree. Then actually working and fulfilling my dream of helping those families in the position my mom and I were in.
I'm just so happy to learn this about you, and truly happy for you!!

Thanks to everyone for their input. Not sure where I would be without all of you.
My words of thanks are heartfelt, and seem very inadequate when just typing "thanks".

[weaver71]

It sounds like you found a therapist that doesn't really understand addiction. I've been taking classes to be an addiction counselor, and that therapist would not of passed my Relapse Prevention class nor my Intro to Chemical Dependency Class. This person just met you and is telling you what you're problem is, that's not therapy but snap judgement. In my opinion, a therapist is a person who helps you figure out the why's on your own and gives you tools and knowledge to solve problems on your own. It doesn't really matter the specific reason, but how you respond, taking pills. What are you thinking when you crave or how do you feel just before you use? That's more the line of questioning that makes sense to me. Anyway, don't let that experience get you down. I have to adjust my recovery program a lot. Something that worked at 30 days, didn't work for me at 60, so I reached out and found something that did work. I don't know how others may feel, but I would go to a meeting and get a recommendation for a different counselor. That person may be awesome for a rape victim or a person with a history of violence, but I can see how it wouldn't work for others. Keep on truckin, you haven't used over it, so you done good. I hope you can calm down soon and find something that does help.

[hope4good]

You need to do whatever helps you most.  It sounds like you don't like the addiction specialist you are going to.  You should change if you don't because that will be a vital part of your recovery.  I go to counseling, AA, and am involved in my church.  Without all three of those I know I would have relapsed.  I would feel uncomfortable too if  the dr. was so negative.  I hope you get the help you. Posting on here also helps a lot because you can vent or ask questions.  Good luck to you, I hope you get the help you need.

[holagirl907]

Wow!  
I am going to a therapist who specializes in addiction, and he is very gentle with me.  He says it takes a while to really open up and trust your therapist.  He always asks if I want to continue or stop when we are talking and I become emotional.  
I think I would find another therapist...but that's just my opinion.