HELP

[Mojogirl]

At 45 not even a smoker i tried coke on holiday. My daughter and son i knew had taken this socially i wanted to know what the fuss was. I continued socially then my dad died.   I was depressed, now taking coke 4 Times a week and drink to sleep im on 40 mg of citaloprm for depression and take nytol to sleep.  How has this happened to me im a mess and disgusted with myself.  All my savings have gone, nobody knows my secret, they think im just depressed. Im not suidical i couldnt do that to my family but still wish i was dead. I have no brothers or sisters and no friends, this is all too much i let everyone down and i am so ashamed.  I never though this could happen to me, i was always the strong one and the"fixer" when things went wrong at home or at work. I keep promising myself on each comedown i will stop.........it never happens, im desperate

[lulu747]

Don't be sorry for moaning...Don't ever be sorry.  That is what this forum is all about.  You know what?  You can put that foot in the first rung of the recovery ladder RIGHT NOW.  TODAY.  Google NA/AA meetings in your area and go to one.  Take a deep breath, hold your head high, and walk in there.  What you will find is a room full of people who have been/are where you are.  You will find non-judgemental ears to listen to and support.
Please take this step today.  You are worth it and your life is worth it.
Keep posting...
Lu

[Mojogirl]

Thanks so much for this, someone just reading my story and answering gives me hope. To add to it all my best friend immigrated, my daughter moved to canada to further her career, i lost my job through redundancy and felt i had lost everything. I hate self pity but there is nobody at all i can trust or talk to. As a professional with a degree and career i was even taking it in work. I am now what i thought it was never possible to be and i dont know how to get my foot on the first rung of the recovery ladder.  I feel such a fake! Was i ever who i thought i was 2years ago? I know its only me that can change it but i feel so lost and dont recognise anything. Its like someone has dropped me in this life and stole my old one .........so sorry for moaning

[LadySailor86]

Mojo girl  you are telling my story. I was humiliated mortified a a so ashamed that I dabbled and got s u c k ed in. Can't believe I decimated our finances and the lies and the sneaking. I shiver when I think back on it. I got bottom and just had I come clean . To my husband and kids. Thank god they've supported me. But now they require total transparency. I don't take a Tylenol with them knowing. Total lockdown except for aftercare and now I'm on 21 days clean. It's how they needed to insure I would recover and the transparency and honesty, while I could never imagine telling on myself, today I'm so glad I did. It's doable. People will surprise you.

[lulu747]

Hi There and Welcome to the Forum-

FIrst of all, you don't have anything to be ashamed of.  Addiction happens to some of the best people I know (:
You turned to a substance to deal with grief.  Many, many people do this.  It's pretty much par for the course.  You are recognizing that you have a problem and that you are not in control.  This is a HUGE first step so be proud of that.  Now you need support.  You need to ask for help.  There are many recovery programs to choose from.  Most have great success with NA/AA.  You will find yourself in a room full of acceptance and understanding which is what you really need right now.  I would also suggest some grief counselling or a grief support group.  I've done cocaine a few times in my life- a long long time ago.  I absolutely hated it every single time and felt suicidal the next day every single time.  I did it because everyone in my circle was doing it.  Well, I watched a few friends die before the age of 30 from mixing coke and other drugs.  A guy I was seeing briefly had a heart attack at 28.  Saddest funeral I ever went to.  But what was even sadder was that all his 'friends' went out that night and celebrated his life by getting high as kites.  I walked away from that scene that day and never looked back.  I was 25 (I'm 36 now) A close friend of mine did not.  She lost everything she had- her friends, her career, her family's trust.  But she turned it around by going to treatment and is a strong member of the NA community.  She has an incredibly successful career now as a fashion stylist working with celebrities and a beautiful 5 year old daughter.
She's beautiful, strong, and inspiring.  She's also the first person i called when I realized I was in trouble with pills and needed to get clean.

So I just wanted to give you a couple of stories, with a couple different outcomes so that you could see that the choice is YOURS which path you take.  Make today the day that you stop chasing that high and suffering those terrible lows.  Reach out, tell your secret, and get support.
You deserve it and you are worth it.
Your life is worth it.
Keep posting....
Lu

ps.  None of us ever think it could happen to us.  That is one of the cunning and baffling things about addiction.  But it has happened.  it's up to us what we do about it.