Relapse and Recovery

[Nomore2]

I am back on my 6th day of withdrawals from Norco after being clean for 2 months. It was a big surprise when I relapsed. I was doing so good, not even thinking about pills. Then, my stepmom came to stay with me for a week. She takes pain meds and left her pill carrier on my kitchen counter. I resisted for the whole week, but I kept looking at them. I knew she would never miss a few and I just caved and took three of them out of her case. Once I took them, that was it. I had a refillable prescription, but I hadn't filled it for 3 months. So, I thought I would just ask for a refill and see what happened. They refilled it, no problem. I took them again for 2 months, but knew I needed to stop again before it got too bad. So, here I am. My last pill was 6 days ago. I'm not feeling too bad. My w/d hasn't been bad because I took them as prescribed this last time. It really bums me out that I know I can never take them again. I love the euphoria and will miss it. This relapse has taught me that I can't even take just one. So, that's my story. I hope it can serve as a cautionary tale to anyone thinking about taking just one more pill for old times sake. It really isn't worth it.

[Tina6444]

Hello old friend

We know the drill. We know the advice. We know what we need to do. I have relapsed many times prior from Norcos but for some reason this time is sticking. I have zero access which helps and an incredible therapist that I can't go a week without.  Am I doing this without medication? Heck no, I am on an AD and it works well for me. My first session I sat on the couch and grilled her about her life before I trusted her enough to release any information about myself.

You are so positive, strong, and intelligent. You have learned something quite worthwhile from this "setback" if you will. There are a few things you still might have to change to maintain your sobriety. I don't personally attend meetings but I do feel some form of therapy is so helpful!!  Message me if you would like me to assist you in finding some counseling or psych.

I am happy to read your posts because I have missed you like a old college friend:) Keep posting because we know that helps us. Sending all the love in the world!! I have no idea why you have never experienced that restless leg but consider yourself lucky---I HATED that.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl.....well here's the way it is..........your best thinking got you right back here...no biggy  but ask yourself why????  the answer is the addict in your head is still alive and well long after the pills stop  we do not think like ''normies''  they see a bottle of pils and dont even fatum the thought of taking 3 to get high...but us addicts do....this is not going to go away on its own it is up to you to treat the addict that lives in your head  I have been on this forum since sept of 09 and have seen a lot come and go but those that dont get some form of piratical aftercare usually relapse  I know I did when I first got clean today im a member of N/A and am greatful for all that progam has given me  the number one thing....I have lost the desire to use  please try a few meetings this disease is out to kill you and if you let it it will...you havent got in to deep yet but if it contuses you will.....................................Gnarly..........................

[Krissy_123]

I just wanted to say,I've seen that a lot on here. "Meetings only keep reminding me of the pills". I think to each their own when it comes to meetings. I'll mention it,and highly recommend it then leave it at that. But I do know they help me. I also know I wouldn't be clean w/o them. Because "a bad day reminds of pills" "arguing with my husband reminds me of pills" "lack of energy one day reminds me of pills" so many things remind me of my triggers of why I took the pills. So I have meetings to get me through them reminders. I'm going on 10 1/2 months clean and I walk a razors edge everyday. I might have been worse than others I don't know? But we only mention the meetings because we care and we know how hard and long this road through recovery is. But I've mentioned them,and I know you're thoughts and it is your life to make that choice. Lots of ppl can do it w/o meetings but they do usually have some sort of support group. I wish you the best of luck because we all need it getting through this illness.

[jifmoc]

Nomore- I do like that quote. I just want to tell you my experience was just like yours. I had quit, then relapsed, then quit and I thought I would just try to chill and be patient w/ life and it would be okay. It wasn't. My using brain became too strong, and it won. It took me another year of using until I finally relented that I needed help. Real help w/ real people. If we could stay clean w/ just reading and exercising, there would be no addicts. Your brain and your way of doing things got you here. For example, if you had a support system, that week of being tempted by pills probably would not have happened. I know I'm being pushy but I lived it and now I see it over and over on this site especially. I just don't want you to be back here w/ another relapse.

Sounds like you had a bad experience at meetings. A lot of folks do. They find others they like. You can also go to AA. As long as you have support in the "real" world w/ other sober addicts. Doing things that are uncomfortable for us is a huge step in getting better.

[Krissy_123]

Everyones w/d's are different. Through my very last w/d when I quit I didn't sleep for almost a month and rls almost killed me. But a few days I'd be out waiting for a script and I'd have no rls and was able to sleep. They also say the w/d's get harder the more you go through them too. I'm glad you're feeling so much better!! Working out is awesome. I found that it was really good to get my endorphins going.

[Nomore2]

I read this quote today and this is what I am concentrating on for prevention..... "Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful, it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful." My life is breathtakingly beautiful and I will not do anything to mess it up again. So, I will use meditation, yoga, gratefulness, church, exercise.....Whatever will take me another step away from the pills. I probably won't go to meetings. To me, meetings would just keep me thinking about pills. I don't think meetings are for everyone. I do think they work for a lot of people. I have been to them with a family member before.
On a different note, I read that a lot of people get restless legs and can't sleep. This didn't happen to me and I wonder why. Has that happened to anyone else here?

[dominosarah]

Good question~

[jifmoc]

So, what are you doing for prevention?

[Nomore2]

Thanks for all your comments. Today is one week and I am feeling good; a few lingering, slight symptoms, but very manageable, mostly only noticed when I am sitting down watching tv in the evening. I am sleeping well and working out everyday, which helps get the endorphins going. I never wanted to be back here, but am happy for the support this site provides. I'm sure I will be hanging around for awhile!
So, now the mental part. Again, I was having zero cravings! I really thought I would be able to take the three I stole (not proud of that) and be done. I learned a valuable lesson. I will miss the little lift those pills give me, but I know a pill free life is a happier life. I was really feeling bad the two months I was taking them because I was so bummed I was taking them again. Now I am feeling much happier.

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome back girl!  It shows you have courage and that you are open to help and support again.  I'm glad your physical symptoms aren't too bad this time around.  I believe we have lessons to learn from every happening and every person in our lives.  The people teach us how we WANT to be or they give us the gift of teaching us how we DON'T want to be....LOL

And relapse does the same thing.  It shows us where the cracks are in our recovery.  By not sharing with your step-mom, you were needlessly tempted beyond what most ANY addict could handle.  And having that online refill sitting there for months instead of just canceling it would have been a temptation I KNOW I could not have resisted!  If our brains KNOW we can get some.....it talks to us addicts.  I'm hoping you can get to the place where you don't feel "less than" just because you became addicted to pain meds.  I feel SO FREE and proud of myself that I truly don't care who knows these days.  It's a process, imo.  

It's really good to see at least one of you from your posse posting again....because we have missed you~

[gnarly_1]

Hi  welcome back  I wish it where on better terms.....you know the drill so will skip that  but for most of us that stay clean we work aftercare  the best one I have found is N/A  it is free the meetings are only a hour long and you will have some place to share where the people will understand.....you will also meet new and clean friends.... this step is often skipped and this is what usually happens.....the big difference for me is with time and working the steps I have lost the very desire to use...something that needs to happen for you or this will continue to happen keep posting for support an google a N/A meeting near you
............................................Gnarly...................................

[LeapYearGUY]

Beautifully said, Cricket! Addiction is a life sentence with a daily reprieve.

Welcome back, Nomore. Relapse is brutal both physically and psychologically. What makes our disease unique is that we can choose remission and recovery. That, my love, is a miracle.

Thanks for finding the guts to post back to us. Your sharing is helping me and (I'd bet) thousands of others out there in the dark.

Let me share something that another addict shared once with me when I was struggling to come back from a relapse. Did you ever notice how the words humiliation and humility have the same root? That would be the Latin, "humus" or "of the earth." In recovery, we can actually pray for humility, the healing reminder that we are exactly the same as everyone else and need not feel any humiliation. Humility, when practiced regularly, breeds compassion, forgiveness and understanding. It's hard to have a relapse when you're focused on the wellbeing of others...

Thanks again for coming back.

[Cricketk92]

Sorry to hear about your relapse.... this disease is so sneaky, cunning, baffling.... and relapse happens way before we put that substance back into our body!!!  I'm sure you have heard all this before....
Having the pills in front of you for a week and the mind games that goes along with that is just a confirmation that we cannot do this on our own!  
Like everyone above said....cut your sources!  Be honest about your addiction! And get a support system!
I find that if I am not aware of my addiction on a daily basis that I start to weaken....   I use my support system everyday even if it is just to say Hi!  Without having people that I am accountable to, who are there for me to encourage me and tell me like it is when needed and to be there when I am weak I am left to my own devices.  And I KNOW where that gets me!!!
Have you built a support system?  You know what the WDs are like...you see what happens when you pick up again...  You can choose to stay on this merry go round or you can choose to jump off!!  Find people who support you in your journey!  They will be your lifeline!!!
And that euphoria...well it is a lie!  And when we start living life clean and change our daily habits we get something even better!  We get freedom and our feelings back and a whole new world!!!
You can do this!!!   We are all here routing you on!!!!  

[pillguy]

Can't have any access or availability, period.  

There's another issue here too.  Your stepmom didn't know about your battle or she wouldn't have left them out.  Keeping our addiction secret prevents those who care about us from helping.  I know it's difficult but as often as possible just be honest.  My family and my doctors know about my addiction.  It helps because they help me stay clean.  Just a thought.

[dominosarah]

Your comment about liking the euphoria worries me.  That euphoria takes us out of this thing we call life.  

gettingmylifeback.....Please PLEASE get rid of those pills NOW.

[Krissy_123]

And gettingmylifeback,Ya I'd totally cut all your resources or your recovrey will fail. You can't havd acsess to the drugs.

[Krissy_123]

Yup I agree 100% with the lovely ladies above! You should have told her you have an issue and to please get them out of your sight and keep it that way. 2 months clean is awesome,but if I had pills in my face daily for a week straight Ida caved too. But you're back trying and that's all that matters. Pick yourself up dust yourself off and start again.

[msdelight]

This is why it is so important to cut your sources! That means canceling all your scripts and getting rid of all the meds!  Make it impossible to get any and you will set yourself up for success.  It's hard enough without having that temptation around. Get busy lovely ladies!

[jifmoc]

Nomore- Hi, I remember your name. Sorry about your relapse. You are another example of how we have zero control over this. And we can't be around pills so early in recovery.

This is also why on here aftercare is constantly stressed. Once we dropped the drugs, we are addicts w/o drugs. Then what do we do? We have to treat our addict brains or this is what happens. Did you go to meetings?

@gettingmylifeback- You have 100s of pills at your disposal? Get rid of them NOW. Waiting til next tuesday is just procrastinating.You won't make it, if you don't.

[gettingmylifeback1964]

Hmmm, I was going to keep a few perks for really bad days.  I don't care to take any now and I have 100s of them here,  after reading your post I'm going to return them to the pharmacist on Tuesday.