Aa
Mother of 3, need help with Addiction ASAP!
It all started out with two tiny 10 mg hydrocodone and now has progressed to black tar heroin. I am in the grips of addiction and have no idea how I can get out of this prison. From the outside, many would think my life is normal, lovely even. But it is anything but. I am a mother of 3 with a 3 bedroom house and a $50,000 shiny black suv that I pay for myself. My fiancé is recovering heroin addict who has been to rehab 8x (2 long term ones where he was away and I had to take care of the kids by myself) and is currently on methadone maintience. When he got out of rehab last year I had an oxy addiction and he told me to switch to heroin because it would be cheaper. I wish I had never taken that step. I became pregnant in February and decided we should both get on methadone because I knew heroin was terrible for my unborn child- I felt like I was doing the right thing, the only thing in my current situation. The methadone made me extremely sick- I was throwing up daily and became so constipated that I couldn't go for a week. I tried all kinds of laxatives and nothing worked so I bought magnesium citrate. The next day I started to bleed, I was losing the baby and I believe it's because I took that drink. It was extremely traumatic for me- I decided to go to detox to get off methadone and be free from this horrible addiction that I believed attributed to me losing my child. In detox I was stiill bleeding and my blood pressure dropped to the 80's. The state detox was cold and I was going through the most horrible withdrawal, they pumped me full of drugs that made me feel high but it didn't help my withdrawal, I could feel pain in my bones and had no energy to even get up for lunch- 5 days later I got out and I was still sick. My fiancé was working and I had to take care of the kids- still so weak and lethargic. I tried to take tramadol to help with the pain but it didn't help. I went back to work (doing alcohol promotions at various grocery stores & events) but was forced to go back to exotic dancing because my fiancé lost his job. Dancing for men perpetuated by addiction and it quickly went back to heroin due to cost ( I snort, I don't like shooting). Now I'm working two jobs, doing heroin everyday and my fiancé isn't working. All the bills are on me and my fiancé seems to have gone into a depression, he is withdrawn and he blows up at the kids, slams doors, and tells. He also gets the heroin for me and prepares it for me yet doesn't do any because his high dose of methadone blocks any effects. have no idea what to do, long lasting opiates like methadone and suboxone have terrible effects on me ( they constipate me and I've tried everything- fiber, laxatives, stool softners- nothing helps- short acting opiates and I'm perfectly fine- not going for an entire week is not an option). If I could go to a nice detox & rehab while someone could watch the kids and the bills were taken care of Id go tomorrow but that isn't an option- my whole family works and they are struggling themselves. All I know is this is not fair to my beautiful, smart, babies, they deserve a healthy, happy mother- not a stressed out, anxiety-ridden drug addict. I want out of this chaotic situation, I love my family & I'm ready to let this addiction go once and for all but I can't wrap my brain around how to stop- if I withdraw I'll be sick and won't be able to work. I worry about CPS too- it would tear my heart out if my children were taken away. I need advice, support, caring words. Please no judgement- I hate what I'm doing now and I know I'm being very selfish- I want to be done. I don't want to overdose & die & for my babies to grow up with out a mother- I know that my children need me and I need them.
i say let everything go and go to the 3 month rehab with your kids that sounds like the best idea and like someone said before you cant dose down from heroin its impossible and its very hard to detox yourself esp if you have access to the drug believe me it cannot be done and how will you dance and make money if you "dose down" from H you cant so IMO you should go the rehab with the kids route it seems like your best bet and start over new you are in my prayers i hope what ever you choose for yourself is the right choice best of luck
I can see that you're in a tough situation there Bianca. That is the pickle most addicts get into one way or another, not feeling like you can stop because then everything falls down around you. It's a horrible catch 22 we all know too well, and it's one of the reasons that opiates are such a terrible trap. The ride will stop at some point though and right now you still have the power to say when and how, down the track you may not get that luxury and you never know what will happen.
I have to say too that you're deluding yourself when you think that getting clean will give him motivation to do better. It won't change anything one bit, and the reality is that you'll likely never get clean in the first place anyway if your situation doesn't change so the point kind of becomes moot. Read the last sentences of your previous post and see what a crazy position you're putting yourself in.
All the best to you too by the way, sending you strength during this difficult time you're dealing with.
I have to say too that you're deluding yourself when you think that getting clean will give him motivation to do better. It won't change anything one bit, and the reality is that you'll likely never get clean in the first place anyway if your situation doesn't change so the point kind of becomes moot. Read the last sentences of your previous post and see what a crazy position you're putting yourself in.
All the best to you too by the way, sending you strength during this difficult time you're dealing with.
What's your plan then? Even if you switch to the oxy and taper down you'll still have w/d's. Just not as severe. Oxycodone is just synthetic Herioin. Nobody here is trying to be mean to you,we say this because we care and want you to get better. I wish you luck no matter what path you choose.
I can't work and pay bills in withdrawal and I'm supporting everyone currently. I explained everything when i opened this thread.
Honey, you cannot dose down from HEROIN!!! It's physically impossible. Again, it's you not wanting to let go.
What are you afraid of exactly? Withdrawl? You know it blows but it also ends. Then you can be in recovery and start to feel good about yourself. Can you just imagine that by the end of May you could feel better OFF opiates?
Stop bargaining w/ your disease. Phillip Seymour Hoffman thought he had a good batch and look what happened to him. And he had all the money in the world. You are playing w/ fire w/ your "dosing down" bs. Come on and go ct. There is no avoiding withdrawls, you know this.
What are you afraid of exactly? Withdrawl? You know it blows but it also ends. Then you can be in recovery and start to feel good about yourself. Can you just imagine that by the end of May you could feel better OFF opiates?
Stop bargaining w/ your disease. Phillip Seymour Hoffman thought he had a good batch and look what happened to him. And he had all the money in the world. You are playing w/ fire w/ your "dosing down" bs. Come on and go ct. There is no avoiding withdrawls, you know this.
I've already gone the route of methadone, suboxone, and a 5 day detox at a state funded clinic. Both Methadone & suboxone have bad side effects on me: extreme constipation even with fiber, laxatives, stool softners-nothing helps- methadone makes me throw up as well. Regular opiates and I don't have that problem at all Long lasting opioid replacement is not the answer for me personally, suboxone- I have terrible headaches. A free detox I went to a few months ago was a nightmare (I have no health insurance) was a complete nightmare. It was freezing cold, one thin sheet for a blanket, bad food, and surrounded by homeless people, felons, etc.- a generally bad experience. They pumped me full of trazadone, atavan, flexeril- I was so high that I start hallucinating- but I was still withdrawing & bleeding from the miscarrige that I spoke of earlier in this post- I actually think that the place gave me some form of PTSD. I came out anxiety- ridden- having frequent violent panic attacks where I thought I was going to die- that's a big reason I feel like I went back to opiates- i came out feeling not right. I feel like my only option in my current situation is dosing down or losing everything/ forgetting about the bills and going to rehab ( we have a rehab that takes you & your kids and it's 3 months ). Fiancé is on methadone but you're right- he is not in recovery. He shot cocaine the other day (I know if he could feel heroin he would shoot that too), and I know he isn't contributing anything to our relationship in his current state- I just feel like if I get clean he will be more motivated to do better.
I've already gone the route of methadone, suboxone, and a 5 day detox at a state funded clinic. Both Methadone & suboxone have bad side effects on me: extreme constipation even with fiber, laxatives, stool softners-nothing helps- methadone makes me throw up as well. Long lasting opioid replacement is not the answer for me personally, - I have terrible headaches. A free detox I went tons few months ago was a nightmare (I have no health insurance) was a nightmare. Freezing cold, thin sheet for a blanket,- general bad experience. They pumped me full of trazadone, atavan, flexeril- I was so high that I start hallucinating- but I was still withdrawing & bleeding from a miscarrige- I actually think that place gave me some form of PTSD. I came out anxiety- ridden- having frequent violent panic attacks where I thought I was going to die- that's a big reason I feel like I went back to opiates- i came out feeling not right. I feel like my only option in my current situation is dosing down or losing everything/ forgetting about the bills and going to rehab ( we have a rehab that takes you & your kids and it's 3 months ). Fiancé is on methadone but you're right- he is not in recovery. He shot cocaine the other day (I know if he could feel heroin he would shoot too), and I know he isn't contributing anything to our relationship but keeping me from getting help- it's
That's not the only option Merri. The other one I suggested is a family intervention and it would require no suboxone and all the horribleness that entails. It would be the fastest and least painful way to recovery... I can completely understand where the suboxone idea originates, it's just that here I would see it as a half measure, and suggest that is not addressing the entire problem. I can see a very real possibility of the situation not changing nadda except that the Tar is replaced with Sub's... Suboxone is not sober just to add, the only thing that is different is that it is an opiate that you don't have to constantly find money to pay the man for. You still get high, it's just not the extreme peaks and lows that a faster acting opiate will induce. It may feel like being clean after being on the smack, but it is not clean when you compare it to actually being clean.
Ultimately it's Bianca's decision though, and I don't want to sound like I'm trying to force anyone's mind. I'm just attempting to put forth all the options in a honest light.
Ultimately it's Bianca's decision though, and I don't want to sound like I'm trying to force anyone's mind. I'm just attempting to put forth all the options in a honest light.
Oh Bianca I know exactly where you are coming from.
That is why I suggested suboxone etc. You will have to go 1-2 days without or Suboxone will cause it to be worse. But once you are in it you will be ok. Yiu will be able to function. And you won't be able to use. If you try the suboxone blocks it.
Please take this route. Lose the dancing and start rebuilding your life sober. And if your fiancé won't do it too then you will need to let him go. Maybe that will straighten him out or not. But you will know then. You have every excuse for his actions I can think of. You are enabling him to continue as he is. He is playing the game. He cries and says he's a loser and not good enough and wants to dies. And you get all concerned and living and caring. But it is just a ploy. He will not change unless he has too. Send him to his Moms house vi don't care if she is 60. She can learn how her son is. You are not his Morher and are doung him no favors by acting like it.
You need to concentrate on you!!! Do you want your kids in this environment? Do you want them doing what you are doing? Change the cycle. Show them what it is really about. That with hard work you can do anything. You are a single Mom. Don't be too proud to ask for assistance financially thru the state to get past this. Get to an outpatient rehab place and get on the program. Counseling meetings group sessions everything.
You can do this. Your mind will tell you what it needs to keep its drugs. You are stronger that that stupid voice in the back of your head.
And from experience, there is no weaning off of herpin. Impossible!!! You can't just do a little bit less and less. Many thought they could too. It doesn't work that way. Please let us help you do this!!
That is why I suggested suboxone etc. You will have to go 1-2 days without or Suboxone will cause it to be worse. But once you are in it you will be ok. Yiu will be able to function. And you won't be able to use. If you try the suboxone blocks it.
Please take this route. Lose the dancing and start rebuilding your life sober. And if your fiancé won't do it too then you will need to let him go. Maybe that will straighten him out or not. But you will know then. You have every excuse for his actions I can think of. You are enabling him to continue as he is. He is playing the game. He cries and says he's a loser and not good enough and wants to dies. And you get all concerned and living and caring. But it is just a ploy. He will not change unless he has too. Send him to his Moms house vi don't care if she is 60. She can learn how her son is. You are not his Morher and are doung him no favors by acting like it.
You need to concentrate on you!!! Do you want your kids in this environment? Do you want them doing what you are doing? Change the cycle. Show them what it is really about. That with hard work you can do anything. You are a single Mom. Don't be too proud to ask for assistance financially thru the state to get past this. Get to an outpatient rehab place and get on the program. Counseling meetings group sessions everything.
You can do this. Your mind will tell you what it needs to keep its drugs. You are stronger that that stupid voice in the back of your head.
And from experience, there is no weaning off of herpin. Impossible!!! You can't just do a little bit less and less. Many thought they could too. It doesn't work that way. Please let us help you do this!!
Don't give up on your family understanding. Often in life what we want is completely irrelevant and we must look at what is. If your parents looked after the kids for a week or so then that would give you time to get through the withdrawals???
I'm sure they would want you to get away from this fellow you're with too if you explain what he is doing. Buying their daughter junk? Not on their life I'd imagine would be the response, and they'd do anything to help you get out of this pickle I'd imagine. I sure I would too if I was a parent.
I'm sure they would want you to get away from this fellow you're with too if you explain what he is doing. Buying their daughter junk? Not on their life I'd imagine would be the response, and they'd do anything to help you get out of this pickle I'd imagine. I sure I would too if I was a parent.
Thank you for the prayers and support. There aren't a lot of people I can discuss my situation with- my mother in law thinks everything is happy go lucky and my husband still has his old job and is supporting us- I wish I could tell her the truth but it would crush her.. She's been through enough heartache with him, she's in her 60's, she doesn't need to hear anymore bad news. As for my parents they are republican and deeply religious, the last thing in the world they would want to hear is that their daughter is a heroin doing stripper. One thing, my father was a captain in the military and he fought alcoholism- very bad alcoholism- but he went to A.A. and has been sober for more than 20 years. He knows I've struggled with hydrocodone and oxy, but my family is a very sweep it under the rug type of family. I admitted to him one day that I had a problem when I had all the kids by myself at our old apartment (6,3, & 1 yrs. old at the time) and has a panic attack because I thought I had taken too much and I asked him to take the kids. He said we need to get you on the road to recovery, let's get you some help- then nothing changed and he never mentioned it again- in fact when he had a toothache he asked me to get him some oxy! it was swept under the rug and never dealt with. I represent brands/ promote alcohol or other products- wearing cute little outfits with college girls who don't have a care in the world besides their studies and the next party to go to on the weekend- they don't know I have a heroin addiction, I dance at a strip club, or that I have 3 kids.. I smile to hide the pain and laugh with them like I have no cares either- it's a facade that I'm having trouble keeping up with.. Sometimes I just want to scream- honestly.
* How does "a s s e s s" get bleeped? Confusion :S Anyhu's, I'd suggest doing what I suggested before even thinking about the suboxone. In your current situation it's very likely you'll just get on it with your fiance and nothing much will change. You still have to withdraw also, subs will not stop that.
Bianca, your head is not working correctly right now. You need to realize this first and foremost. That is the craziest plan I have ever heard of to get off the opiates. You just need to stop, end of story, and go from there. That is the addict in you coming up with such a convoluted scheme in order to keep the roller coaster rolling.
Your fiance is a user in every sense of the word. I'm sorry to say that but it sounds true judging by your descriptions. He's playing emotional games with you and he's not going to change. In fact he's gotten progressively worse. If you're confused about things, take a step back and observe the flow of energy. What I can see is that he is putting in zero energy, and taking much from the one he is supposedly meant to love. That is not a healthy relationship, nor is he acting like a man. I'd suggest that it is ultimatum time, and that doesn't mean giving him one more chance. It means kicking him out and sorting yourself out, you'll never be able to do that with a dead weight around your legs. After you get back on track you can then re-***** the situation and see if he has sorted himself out too, hopefully he has (if he really loves you he will), but worry about that down the track.. Right now this is must be about getting yourself better so you can give your energy to the ones who really deserve it i.e your kids for example, yourself for another...
Also, just to add. I really don't mean to sound harsh and mean here, I'm being brutally honest because the welfare of the family is at stake.
Your fiance is a user in every sense of the word. I'm sorry to say that but it sounds true judging by your descriptions. He's playing emotional games with you and he's not going to change. In fact he's gotten progressively worse. If you're confused about things, take a step back and observe the flow of energy. What I can see is that he is putting in zero energy, and taking much from the one he is supposedly meant to love. That is not a healthy relationship, nor is he acting like a man. I'd suggest that it is ultimatum time, and that doesn't mean giving him one more chance. It means kicking him out and sorting yourself out, you'll never be able to do that with a dead weight around your legs. After you get back on track you can then re-***** the situation and see if he has sorted himself out too, hopefully he has (if he really loves you he will), but worry about that down the track.. Right now this is must be about getting yourself better so you can give your energy to the ones who really deserve it i.e your kids for example, yourself for another...
Also, just to add. I really don't mean to sound harsh and mean here, I'm being brutally honest because the welfare of the family is at stake.
Couldn't have said it any better than Vicki!
God bless you and sending prayers out girl!
Keep posting for support!
God bless you and sending prayers out girl!
Keep posting for support!
You're in a nearly impossible situation and I can't think of anything you haven't already thought of to end your nightmare. But, there's one thing left for you and that's SUBOXONE. I hardly ever suggest it to anyone but it's one answer to your dilemma. You're an intelligent woman and I believe you want a better life and I understand your position... which is Stuck!
I'm thinking it would take time and planning: Look for another job now and look for a doctor to assist you with Sub. Do not stay on it for an extended period; just enough to transition and get you away from wd's; then taper off.
Maybe your husband could follow your lead but that's on him. You need to take care of yourself and the kids right now.
What do you think? You're pretty much out of options but whatever you do, we'll be here to support you. Stay in touch-
I'm thinking it would take time and planning: Look for another job now and look for a doctor to assist you with Sub. Do not stay on it for an extended period; just enough to transition and get you away from wd's; then taper off.
Maybe your husband could follow your lead but that's on him. You need to take care of yourself and the kids right now.
What do you think? You're pretty much out of options but whatever you do, we'll be here to support you. Stay in touch-
Right, I thought about just losing everything- ruining my credit and rental history but then where will the kids and I go ? There is nowhere except maybe a homeless shelter, it would be one thing if it was just me- I could stay w/ a friend- but me & 3 kids? I think I should cut out my morning dose then cut my night dose in half, then replace h with oxy, oxy with hydrocodone, then stop. I would have to be extremely disciplined for this to work, and I'm aware of that- but it seems like the best bet in my current situation.
Unfortunately there will always be bills,kids and jobs. That's part of life,if it keeps getting put off we will eventually lose the house,the and the job. Or our life. We know what you're going through,a lot of us on here have young kids and jobs. You just have to decide what's more important. You don't want your kids to grow up with out you? I don't mean to sound harsh,but this is reality. Either way you're going to lose it all,In the end at least you'll be clean and have your kids. Sometimes we have to make changes to get clean. One day you can get the nice house and the nice car back. They are just things that Come and go,we only have one life.
Currently, the quitting dancing or quitting cold turkey is not an option. Since I am the bread winner and the only one with an income, I can't just stop and not dance- we would lose our house and the bills would be unpaid- that is a big part of why I haven't been able to stop- and why I came asking for advice- because I honestly don't know what to do to end this vicious cycle. Like I said- if I had the option to go to treatment I would do it in a heartbeat but unfortunately I don't have that kind of support. My husband even tells me to leave him, he says " I am broken and only bringing this family down", he talks sucicidal at times, saying "I know if I wasn't here you'd find a nice rich guy to take care of you and the kids". It breaks my heart- despite everything, I love him and have a hard time forsaking him- I think if I had been sober when he got out of rehab last year that he would be doing better- when he got out he looked so good- muscular & strong- now is so skinny and his face is guant- I blame myself mostly. It's like a puzzle or rubic cube that I keep trying to solve- I keep coming up with different scenarios in my head of ways I can quit: methadone, suboxone, dose down, go to detox- meanwhile the bills pile up and all the pressure just makes me feel the need to use to deal with the stress. My thought is if I can get him back to work and we can start going to meetings and both get a sponsor we can both begin to heal. But it seems like everyone on here thinks the best thing to do is to leave him.. That's very hard..
Hi honey: You're in a tough situation, but you came on here asking for help so here is my 2 cents:
1. I know you care about your father's children, but he is too unstable to be a good influence on them. He is NOT in recovery or he wouldn't be buying your heroin for you. That's a big no-no. Is he going to daily N/A meetings; does he have a sponsor he calls 2x a day? I'm betting no He is going to be a HUGE trigger for you to use. You need a separation...now.
2. Dancing: I read tarot cards and every once in a while I'd get an exotic dancer who'd come in. It's an awful life, I know. I have heard "I have to be high to dance" before and can understand why. You will need to get away from this profession; there is no future in it, and it is an automatic road to H. You're young, you can re-train and go to school...but first things first.
3. STOP. I wouldn't get on the methadone or sub merry-go-round. If I were you, I'd just pick 2 weeks and do it. The withdrawals are going to be rough...but you won't die, and you CAN get thru them. Once you start withdrawals, we will be there every day, even hour if you need support here. It's pain with a purpose, and it doesn't even last very long.
4. After-care: This is non-negotiable...you absolutely MUST dive head first into either N/A, A/A, therapy, something. If I were you, I'd pick N/A, plus weekly therapy. And I would jump in with both feet and get soaking wet. Do 90 meetings in 90 days...at a MINIMUM. Pick a sponsor right away, and call her every single morning and night.
I can tell you love your children very much...Do this for THEM. I know for sure that as a mom, you'd go thru any amount of pain for them...well this is one of those times. Be a hero for them. It will be the single most important thing you EVER do in your life.
Sobriety is possible, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
Good luck honey. You can do this...it's gonna take a lot of effort, suffering (temporary) and facing yourself, but other people have done it and so can you.
Try not to think about everything at once. Stop dancing, and just quit the H cold turkey. If you can, ask your partner to stay with a friend for a while...
That's the best advice I can give you. You're an addict, and this is a lifelong disease. It kills so many people...please, don't be one of them.
Today can be the beginning of your new life...Day 1.
Good luck, and may God bless you...
-Robin
1. I know you care about your father's children, but he is too unstable to be a good influence on them. He is NOT in recovery or he wouldn't be buying your heroin for you. That's a big no-no. Is he going to daily N/A meetings; does he have a sponsor he calls 2x a day? I'm betting no He is going to be a HUGE trigger for you to use. You need a separation...now.
2. Dancing: I read tarot cards and every once in a while I'd get an exotic dancer who'd come in. It's an awful life, I know. I have heard "I have to be high to dance" before and can understand why. You will need to get away from this profession; there is no future in it, and it is an automatic road to H. You're young, you can re-train and go to school...but first things first.
3. STOP. I wouldn't get on the methadone or sub merry-go-round. If I were you, I'd just pick 2 weeks and do it. The withdrawals are going to be rough...but you won't die, and you CAN get thru them. Once you start withdrawals, we will be there every day, even hour if you need support here. It's pain with a purpose, and it doesn't even last very long.
4. After-care: This is non-negotiable...you absolutely MUST dive head first into either N/A, A/A, therapy, something. If I were you, I'd pick N/A, plus weekly therapy. And I would jump in with both feet and get soaking wet. Do 90 meetings in 90 days...at a MINIMUM. Pick a sponsor right away, and call her every single morning and night.
I can tell you love your children very much...Do this for THEM. I know for sure that as a mom, you'd go thru any amount of pain for them...well this is one of those times. Be a hero for them. It will be the single most important thing you EVER do in your life.
Sobriety is possible, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
Good luck honey. You can do this...it's gonna take a lot of effort, suffering (temporary) and facing yourself, but other people have done it and so can you.
Try not to think about everything at once. Stop dancing, and just quit the H cold turkey. If you can, ask your partner to stay with a friend for a while...
That's the best advice I can give you. You're an addict, and this is a lifelong disease. It kills so many people...please, don't be one of them.
Today can be the beginning of your new life...Day 1.
Good luck, and may God bless you...
-Robin
Bianca- I recognized your name, you've been around since oct 13, you know what were gonna say, I'm sure.
I cannot agree more w/ Merri. And in your response, I'm sorry to be harsh, but all you did was make excuses. I doesn't matter WHY he or you buying H, doing H, dancing, unemployed etc. The fact is, you are. This is gonna be harsh but you need it and it's coming from a place of caring: what you have been doing thus far ISNT WORKING. You need to listen to people that are clean and sane. You are not.
Your husband has sabotaged you and after being in rehab 8 TIMES, that is really disturbing. For right now, it is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself and those kids. Time to rally your forces! Get your butt to an AA or NA meeting stat. Call friends/family tell them you need help w/ your kids because you need help. Go about this as a single mother: your husband will have to find his own way, he isn't helping and you need to get help if you want to keep your kids. Now is not the time to isolate. Ask for help. If you can go into rehab, great.
For quitting to work, you need to cut ALL your sources. You can have access to none. If you love your kids, you will have to stand up to your husband and let him know you are done. You need as much in person support as possible. Make some rehab calls. Go to a meeting asap and share this. Talk to long time sober people and DO what they say.
I hope you take in what we are saying and don't use the "yeah, BUT" You really need to be humble and listen to change your situation. I hope you will.
Stay on here and keep posting.
I cannot agree more w/ Merri. And in your response, I'm sorry to be harsh, but all you did was make excuses. I doesn't matter WHY he or you buying H, doing H, dancing, unemployed etc. The fact is, you are. This is gonna be harsh but you need it and it's coming from a place of caring: what you have been doing thus far ISNT WORKING. You need to listen to people that are clean and sane. You are not.
Your husband has sabotaged you and after being in rehab 8 TIMES, that is really disturbing. For right now, it is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself and those kids. Time to rally your forces! Get your butt to an AA or NA meeting stat. Call friends/family tell them you need help w/ your kids because you need help. Go about this as a single mother: your husband will have to find his own way, he isn't helping and you need to get help if you want to keep your kids. Now is not the time to isolate. Ask for help. If you can go into rehab, great.
For quitting to work, you need to cut ALL your sources. You can have access to none. If you love your kids, you will have to stand up to your husband and let him know you are done. You need as much in person support as possible. Make some rehab calls. Go to a meeting asap and share this. Talk to long time sober people and DO what they say.
I hope you take in what we are saying and don't use the "yeah, BUT" You really need to be humble and listen to change your situation. I hope you will.
Stay on here and keep posting.
I don't mean to place all the blame on him- I am an addict and am where I'm at because of my own choices- he didn't force me to do heroin- he got out of rehab and relapsed- like he always did- because he didn't go to meetings like he should have and didn't start working right away- and he saw that I was doing oxy and spending $1,600 a month- he said you will save so much more money if you do heroin- if you're going to keep doing opiates. Despite the fact that he is a dope fiend- he is not a bad person. I have been dancing off and on since I was 18, while he was in rehab I had to go back to dancing to support the kids and I got a house/ car that was way above my means (wasn't thinking clearly due to my addiction)- he doesn't force me to dance, I do it because I know I can make enough money to keep us afloat. He gets the heroin for me because he doesn't want me out there going to the hood or a scary part of town and possibly getting caught- his thought process is better him than me. When he is not depressed and is working he is hard working, kind, compassionate, and a loving father. We are both plauged by addiction and we both need help. I keep telling him if you can get a job I can quit dancing ( which plays a huge part in my addiction- I have to be high to dance) and then we can save up money so I can go to detox. He is the father of my children- I would like to stay with him if we can get through this hard time in our lives. Maybe I just need to slowly dose down and encourage him and try to get him back to work. All I know is I can't go on like this much longer- I've even thought maybe just lose everything and start over- my life is more important than nice things, but there is nowhere for me, 3 kids, and a dog to go- except maybe a homeless shelter.
Wow. I have no idea where to start. And please forgive me if I come across harsh at times.
All the things you felt in detox and after is what withdrawal is - sick, bone pain, restless legs, headache, fatigue, can't sleep, no energy at all, anxiety, no appetite....and it doesn't go away in 5 days. It'll take 2 weeks to a month. And then you still have less energy etc. You have to ride it out. You have to get aftercare and support.
And I hate to say it but you won't get there with your fiancé. Ever. He is an addict. And I don't think he has not changed at all. Or that he is not doing it too. If not now he will soon. The temptation is too strong and it is easy to fall back to old habits when around it.
He told you to switch to heroin bc it is cheaper????? That in itself is the #1 reason you need to get away from him. #2 he buys it for you & gets it ready for you!!! #3. He has you out dancing for creeps while he sits home reaping the benefits of the $$$$ you make. And doesn't care what you are doing???? He doesn't care about you. Anyone who loves you and is trying to get clean and sober would never do what he does in my 3points. NEVER!!!
He is keeping you down. Because if you sober up and are serious you will kick him to the curb. He is keeping your strapped to him so he keeps you using. Is this what you really want??!!!!!
To get clean you have to get rid of him!!! If you have to then go on methadone or suboxone through a clinic that will monitor you, help you and make therapy and group addiction support part of the plan. Keep your dose low. Go to meetings. Surround yourself with people who love you and respect you and support you.
You CAN do this!!!! But you have to make big changes in your life and who you have in it or you will be in a vicious cycle always.
All the things you felt in detox and after is what withdrawal is - sick, bone pain, restless legs, headache, fatigue, can't sleep, no energy at all, anxiety, no appetite....and it doesn't go away in 5 days. It'll take 2 weeks to a month. And then you still have less energy etc. You have to ride it out. You have to get aftercare and support.
And I hate to say it but you won't get there with your fiancé. Ever. He is an addict. And I don't think he has not changed at all. Or that he is not doing it too. If not now he will soon. The temptation is too strong and it is easy to fall back to old habits when around it.
He told you to switch to heroin bc it is cheaper????? That in itself is the #1 reason you need to get away from him. #2 he buys it for you & gets it ready for you!!! #3. He has you out dancing for creeps while he sits home reaping the benefits of the $$$$ you make. And doesn't care what you are doing???? He doesn't care about you. Anyone who loves you and is trying to get clean and sober would never do what he does in my 3points. NEVER!!!
He is keeping you down. Because if you sober up and are serious you will kick him to the curb. He is keeping your strapped to him so he keeps you using. Is this what you really want??!!!!!
To get clean you have to get rid of him!!! If you have to then go on methadone or suboxone through a clinic that will monitor you, help you and make therapy and group addiction support part of the plan. Keep your dose low. Go to meetings. Surround yourself with people who love you and respect you and support you.
You CAN do this!!!! But you have to make big changes in your life and who you have in it or you will be in a vicious cycle always.
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