Aa
My Son, My Baby Son
I don't have a question but rather a statement
Some of You may know this:
Time does not heal ALL wounds. Often, when People We love die, time eases the pain. But not when it is Our Son/Daughter. In fact, I am here to say: Time does not heal the wound, the pain only grows, only intensifies, only magnifies when it is our Child.
My Son is DEAD. My Son, By Baby Son, killed HimSelf with a Drug OverDose almost 6 years ago, and I hurt more, more now than even then; and "then" was indescribable!!
I truely believe if He knew He was going to be DEAD, He would have quit using. But no.....oh no....He continued to satisfy His quest to be high.
and what did it give/get Him??!!
Ohhhh, He got high....betcha it was a "biggie"high, that last one, betcha He died thinking, "Oh, man, Oh man, this is great, this is the BEST high ever, Oh man, Oh man......" and now...... He's DEAD!! Do You think He would have given up that last high to still be alive?? I betcha He would!! I SO betcha He would!!
His Baby Girl (15 years old at the time) is the One who found Him the next morning. DEAD on His bathroom floor.
After lying dead - ALL NIGHT LONG!!. He was mottled...., and blue...., and purple...., and His mouth was open...., and his eyes were open...., and He smelled bad.....,and the syringe was still in His hand. This is the picture Our Baby Girl will have of Her Daddy - FOR THE WHOLE REST OF HER LIFE. She sees this "picture" EVERY night when She closes Her eyes.
Do You think He could have/would have stopped His f**cking drug use if He had known His Baby Girl would find Him dead on the bathroom floor?? I'll betcha' He could have/would have!!....... and I will remain angry at my Baby Son for the rest of my life for giving His Baby Daughter this picture of Him to last the rest of HER life!!
There are no words in my vocabulary to express the anguish/anger I feel for the loss of my Son.....the anguish/anger I feel for what He did to His Daughter/My GrandDaughter. HE HAD CHOICE!! Say what You want about "addiction", say what You want about "disease" - it STILL comes down to CHOICE. Some CHOOSE to recover, some do not make the CHOICE,
Hail to those who CHOOSE to recover. You have my Admiration, my Respect.
Regards to You All
Tink
Some of You may know this:
Time does not heal ALL wounds. Often, when People We love die, time eases the pain. But not when it is Our Son/Daughter. In fact, I am here to say: Time does not heal the wound, the pain only grows, only intensifies, only magnifies when it is our Child.
My Son is DEAD. My Son, By Baby Son, killed HimSelf with a Drug OverDose almost 6 years ago, and I hurt more, more now than even then; and "then" was indescribable!!
I truely believe if He knew He was going to be DEAD, He would have quit using. But no.....oh no....He continued to satisfy His quest to be high.
and what did it give/get Him??!!
Ohhhh, He got high....betcha it was a "biggie"high, that last one, betcha He died thinking, "Oh, man, Oh man, this is great, this is the BEST high ever, Oh man, Oh man......" and now...... He's DEAD!! Do You think He would have given up that last high to still be alive?? I betcha He would!! I SO betcha He would!!
His Baby Girl (15 years old at the time) is the One who found Him the next morning. DEAD on His bathroom floor.
After lying dead - ALL NIGHT LONG!!. He was mottled...., and blue...., and purple...., and His mouth was open...., and his eyes were open...., and He smelled bad.....,and the syringe was still in His hand. This is the picture Our Baby Girl will have of Her Daddy - FOR THE WHOLE REST OF HER LIFE. She sees this "picture" EVERY night when She closes Her eyes.
Do You think He could have/would have stopped His f**cking drug use if He had known His Baby Girl would find Him dead on the bathroom floor?? I'll betcha' He could have/would have!!....... and I will remain angry at my Baby Son for the rest of my life for giving His Baby Daughter this picture of Him to last the rest of HER life!!
There are no words in my vocabulary to express the anguish/anger I feel for the loss of my Son.....the anguish/anger I feel for what He did to His Daughter/My GrandDaughter. HE HAD CHOICE!! Say what You want about "addiction", say what You want about "disease" - it STILL comes down to CHOICE. Some CHOOSE to recover, some do not make the CHOICE,
Hail to those who CHOOSE to recover. You have my Admiration, my Respect.
Regards to You All
Tink
With all due respect I want to share that I don't hold the same views regarding anger and "forgiveness" that many others do.
I don't feel it's my 'job' to forgive. That's God's job
and
Personally I feel anger is an honest, human emotion and is/can be a 'healthy' emotion if it is well-placed (deserved). In my thinking 'anger' does not in any way combine with the word "forgive" - two very different things from my point of view.
and
I don't go around feeling "angry" all the time - I'm 'simply' mad at my Son for what He did and how He did it.
I'm 'comfortable' with my "anger" as that's the 'easy' part.
The 'hard' part is the sadness and the grief of the loss of my Baby Son,
and the loss of my GrandDaughter's Daddy,
and the circumstance of Her finding Him that way,
and the anguish I feel for Her,
and etc., etc.
I'm not trying to 'correct' anyone here, nor do I suggest anyone is 'wrong' - simply, I convey how I feel and how I am coping. None of Us is wrong here, in fact, We are all right as in what works for Each of Us
It also does my heart good to come on these boards and see how many of You are in recovery. I'm proud of each and every one of You. I totally understand Your struggles.
Regards
Tink
I don't feel it's my 'job' to forgive. That's God's job
and
Personally I feel anger is an honest, human emotion and is/can be a 'healthy' emotion if it is well-placed (deserved). In my thinking 'anger' does not in any way combine with the word "forgive" - two very different things from my point of view.
and
I don't go around feeling "angry" all the time - I'm 'simply' mad at my Son for what He did and how He did it.
I'm 'comfortable' with my "anger" as that's the 'easy' part.
The 'hard' part is the sadness and the grief of the loss of my Baby Son,
and the loss of my GrandDaughter's Daddy,
and the circumstance of Her finding Him that way,
and the anguish I feel for Her,
and etc., etc.
I'm not trying to 'correct' anyone here, nor do I suggest anyone is 'wrong' - simply, I convey how I feel and how I am coping. None of Us is wrong here, in fact, We are all right as in what works for Each of Us
It also does my heart good to come on these boards and see how many of You are in recovery. I'm proud of each and every one of You. I totally understand Your struggles.
Regards
Tink
i am so sorry for your loss....and thank you for reminding the community what an overdose death is like for the ones that are left behind......its so selfish. Thats what addiction is based on ones selfishness. And i am a recovering adict so i can say that. That poor girl. i cant even imagine what that has done to her. Your anger is your own feeling. However staying angry is not healthy for you. I pray one day it will soften. Maybe one day you will be able to forgive your son. To forgive another person will set you free.....but some wounds take longer than others. Thanks for posting your story as hard as it had to be. I know that it will help others. And thats a great thing.
This breaks my heart. Your words are so true and they really touched me. I'm so glad I made the decision to quit because I cannot imagine the anguish it would have caused my mom and dad. And to imagine it being my daughter...well I can't even think of that.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and I hope that one day the pain eases and you find some peace. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and I hope that one day the pain eases and you find some peace. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
To All,
Today it was suggested to me that I pick a "best answer" to my original post and I have to say I cannot do that. Each and Every One of You touched my heavy heart E Q U A L L Y.
Thank You All
Tink
Today it was suggested to me that I pick a "best answer" to my original post and I have to say I cannot do that. Each and Every One of You touched my heavy heart E Q U A L L Y.
Thank You All
Tink
I am really sorry for your loss. You have every right to be angry. It is a terrible situation. No parent wants to live longer than their children. My heart breaks for your family and granddaughter. Thank you for being honest and sharing your story. God bless you and your family.
I'll tell you right up front - this is going to be a selfish post.
I've been on this forum for almost two years. During that time I've read posts from people who were messing with their addiction. Some were gaming us, some romancing their addiction, but few had any idea as to what they were playing at. And I read those posts and reacted; tried to reach out and shake them; tried to get them pissed enough to think. I was not well-received; I was issued warnings, as were others who see through the BS.
And now your post...It broke my heart. I cannot tell you how much I admire you coming here and sharing this. I'm a father, and honestly don't think that I would be as strong and selfless as you. I am so sorry for your loss, but so thankful for your words.
K
I've been on this forum for almost two years. During that time I've read posts from people who were messing with their addiction. Some were gaming us, some romancing their addiction, but few had any idea as to what they were playing at. And I read those posts and reacted; tried to reach out and shake them; tried to get them pissed enough to think. I was not well-received; I was issued warnings, as were others who see through the BS.
And now your post...It broke my heart. I cannot tell you how much I admire you coming here and sharing this. I'm a father, and honestly don't think that I would be as strong and selfless as you. I am so sorry for your loss, but so thankful for your words.
K
I'm sad for you Tink, and for your son and his daughter. I agree with you. It was not my choice to become addicted but once I knew I was, it was my choice to continue or stop. I stopped long after I knew, but I stopped.
Not everyone is that fortunate and I'm sorry for them. Your post is a good reminder that we have a responsibility to the people who love us and we need to stay healthy for them as well as ourselves...
Bless your heart and thanks for posting.
Not everyone is that fortunate and I'm sorry for them. Your post is a good reminder that we have a responsibility to the people who love us and we need to stay healthy for them as well as ourselves...
Bless your heart and thanks for posting.
I can literally FEEL the anguish in your words. I just wanted to thank you for sharing such a personal experience and struggle with all of us here. Most of us don't know the other side of addiction. All we know is searching for the next high.. Not how it affects our loved ones...definitely not in such a profound way. It took such courage for you to share such a personal experience and I hope that everyone here, clean or especially still using, can take this message and really take it to heart. It's not all about you and your next high... It's about how you are destroying those around you... Your loved ones who need you. It's difficult for an addict to see it from that perspective but with this post you made it loud and clear.....IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR NEXT HIGH....IT'S ABOUT THOSE YOU LOVE....IF FOR NO OTHER REASON, DO IT FOR THEM....very strong words...thank you so much for sharing and I pray you find some peace....
I am so very sorry for your loss, but if I may share with you some of my beliefs..I believe that he is finally free and whole again and that he is doing great work on the other side and that you will see him again and be able to put your arms around him...For some of us this time here on earth can be really hard and for those of us left behind it helps us to learn and love and understand and not judge..I believe that your son is in a great place and is at peace and progressing...Hugs
OMG that is so HORRIBLE & I'm sooooooo sorry!!!!!....that totally puts addiction into perspective...1yr ago my husband lost his life long/best friend to a heroin overdose...awful, just awful!!! :(
God bless you Tink...... I can't even begin to imagine the pain and torment...I have 2 sons and pray God's protection and guidance for them every day. The loss of a child is the worst pain....You have so much empathy and compassion to give to those who have lost a child. Thank you for being honest about your anger and pain...
Thank You, Thank You All so much
lesa: Thank You. Yes, it wasn't easy, but the hardest part is - I don't want to step on any toes - I don't want to offend anyone and I hope I did not.
dominosarah: Thank You, thank You SO much for Your sentiment, but really, I'm okay. I don't WANT to find a "place" for my anger, rather I think anger is a "healthy" emotion when it's deserved and well placed. I appreciate Your sentiment but I will always feel My Son had CHOICE and His CHOICES created a lot of pain for those who Loved Him, certainly His innocent Daughter. Yes, I am mad at Him for making this CHOICE. I also Love Him, Miss Him and Grieve for Him. I'm comfortable with my anger, it's the Loss and the Grief that are the hard part.
brokenspiritandsoul:
Thank You for the sentiment. I agree that time doesn't "heal" but that time "allows" us to get used to the pain. I can deal with this. His Daughter is having a harder time. She can't shake the image of Her Daddy, cold and stiff and purple and so, so ugly in His death. Before this, my Son was Beautiful, Tall, and Blond, and Well Built, and oh, so Good Looking, and Fun...., and Funny....., and Charming....., He Charmed us all. She's mad at Him too - The anger is the easy part - it's the Loss and the Grief that's hard.
Sonrissa:
Thank You for the sentiment. You are so right that addiction hurts all those who love you, too. We know You are in pain but all who love You are also in pain - and we feel so helpless......
Thank You All
lesa: Thank You. Yes, it wasn't easy, but the hardest part is - I don't want to step on any toes - I don't want to offend anyone and I hope I did not.
dominosarah: Thank You, thank You SO much for Your sentiment, but really, I'm okay. I don't WANT to find a "place" for my anger, rather I think anger is a "healthy" emotion when it's deserved and well placed. I appreciate Your sentiment but I will always feel My Son had CHOICE and His CHOICES created a lot of pain for those who Loved Him, certainly His innocent Daughter. Yes, I am mad at Him for making this CHOICE. I also Love Him, Miss Him and Grieve for Him. I'm comfortable with my anger, it's the Loss and the Grief that are the hard part.
brokenspiritandsoul:
Thank You for the sentiment. I agree that time doesn't "heal" but that time "allows" us to get used to the pain. I can deal with this. His Daughter is having a harder time. She can't shake the image of Her Daddy, cold and stiff and purple and so, so ugly in His death. Before this, my Son was Beautiful, Tall, and Blond, and Well Built, and oh, so Good Looking, and Fun...., and Funny....., and Charming....., He Charmed us all. She's mad at Him too - The anger is the easy part - it's the Loss and the Grief that's hard.
Sonrissa:
Thank You for the sentiment. You are so right that addiction hurts all those who love you, too. We know You are in pain but all who love You are also in pain - and we feel so helpless......
Thank You All
Sorry so sorry Tink. I totally agree with you that it is our choice not to be a using addict and I am responsible for my choices and others are responsible for theirs.
Hey Tink, thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I know it must have been gut wrenching to write that all out. We sometimes need reminders about what this addiction does not only to ourselves, but everyone else in our lives.
Take care, and sending you hugs!
Take care, and sending you hugs!
I am so sorry for your loss! I dont think time heals..I think time allows us to get used to the pain! My heart hurts for you! I hope you can find peace with this some day! As a parent, I can not begin to imagine your pain! Parents should not bury their child!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am very sorry about the loss of your son. I hope someday you will find a place for that anger~
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
