Needing encouragement

[Jennibean]

I have been lurking on this site for a couple months but this is my first post. I would come here when I was running out of my scripts thinking of quitting and when I had a new refill you would never find me here because I was in denial. I have been taking Vicodin for the past 8 months everyday and lately I have been taking (12) 5/500 or (8) 7/750. I occasionally had scripts of percocet in there too. It started with a back injury and when that was feeling better my gall bladder started giving me alot of pain. It took them a couple months to diagnose my gall bladder problem but I had it removed on Jan 8 and I guess you could say I am pain free. So natuarlly time to stop taking pain medicaition. Well that proved impossible!! If I woke up without any I was so depressed and I would go to any Dr or Dentist to get more. So I wrote my Dr a letter telling him about my problem and I sat there as he read it. I knew I was bringing my main supply to an end but I had to. His solution was to give me oxycontin so I wouldn't have the ups and downs because it lasts 12 hours, he gave me a small dose of 10mg's and took me to take it for 10 days and then every other day for 5 days. Hmm yeah right you know that was gone in just 3 days! From there I hit urgent cares and dentists and suddenly this past Sunday I didn't feel like going and waiting 3 hours at urgent care. I decided I would finally quit, well I was so sick I couldn't take care of my child my hudsbad had to lift her because my back hurt so bad. The diarreah has been awful so I keep immodium next to me at all times. But the worst part was trying to go to sleep. I tried everything but to no avail, my legs and arms were flying all over the place, I was SO aware of my feet it was unreal, guess they had been somewhat numb for 8 months. After  not sleeping I knew I needed to go back to my Dr and ask for more help or I would just go find some Vicodin because the feeling of withdrawl was unbearable. So my Mom came over and I went to the Dr, he gave me a script for Ativan and that is going to help me I think, It stops me from having panick attacks and most importantly stops my feet from jumping around. I told him no more opiates! I was afraid he would try more of that and after one night of detox I know I never want to start this again. I don't drink or do recreational drugs, I didn't go into this looking to get high I did it because I was in pain. I am no longer in pain and I need to stop taking these things because they are affecting my life, haven't made love to my husband in 8 months, my Mom and Brother's and sister are all worried about me thinking somehow I have changed but not knowing why, I thought they made me feel normal how I was suuposed to feel but after just three days, the colors are brighter and the way I think truly is different. I have a LONG way to go which Is why I finally decided to post. 3 days is NOTHING compared to the 8 months I was on them. I still feel awful and am wondering when this will go away. Like a bad flu almost but I know the Ativan are helping. I only have those for 10 days though so I hope it gets better soon. Will I ever have that feeling of well being again without vicodin? I took 2 and knew my life was fine everything was fine..LOL now I am not so sure and I am scared!
When will I wake up happy again? I used to say people who did drugs were idiots and I LOVED feeling normal. I can remember saying it but don't remember what normal feels like! Thank you for listening, I really hope I can do this. I have never tried before because I never really want to quit, I want to take them for the rest of my life!

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Yes, a little more is given me each day to savor.  I had a long talk with my wife this morning about her cancer.  She's a very strong one... especially when the whole family is panicked and demanding that she see even more doctors.  The truth is that her doctor is part of a large group of oncologists that are working on her cancer.  Luckily the tumors are on the peripherals and not yet causing any marked health problems.  There's no pain or breathing problems or weight loss.  We will wait until the doctor is ready to begin treatment again however long that is.

As for me, a few night's of good sleep and painfree days have done wonders. Thank you for your support!  J.B.

[PS >>>>Annie]

.....It seems as though your morning came.  God did break those chains.  And many are praying for you two.  I'm sure there will be positive results.

Love,

annie

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

You two are wonderful people!  I really was down in the depths of despair lately, mainly because of my wife's health problems.  She was supposed to start chemotherapy again this week.  It was postponed again for various reasons until June.  

I thought that I had a handle on my own pain issues and went off my meds for several days.  I do that once in a while to make sure I don't get too strung out.  I won't be making that mistake again!  My doctor has changed my script to give me more relief as of yesterday.  Strangely, I hadn't asked him for more during my visit last week.  I never even brought the subject of pain up.

Maybe God is taking care of me afterall!  J.B.

[PS >>>>Annie]

BEATITUDES
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.  Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.  Blessed are they wich do hunger and thirst after righteousness:  for they shall be filled.  Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.  Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.  Blesssed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.  Blessed are they wich are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are ye, when men shall say all manor of evil against you falsely for my name sake.  Rejoice and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
KJB 5:3-12
Annie

[PS >>>>Annie]

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me, No matter how heavy  my heart is or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet whith all the world crashing about me, secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me -
If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, that darkness will fade with the morning and that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me for as long as this knowledge
remains I can suffer whatever is happening, for I know God will break all the chains that are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

Helen Steiner Rice

Love,

Annie

[PS >>>>Annie]

Listen and Listen well (or see in this case!)  I have bowed before God on my hands and knees many times.  I have always said.."this will be the last time I beg you!"  He answered..by granting me what I wanted.  There were also times...when I prayed for something and he also answered, but events didn't unfold as I wished, nevertheless, I got my result.  Not sure if I am making any sense here.  
About death.  JB..I wish you had the assurance that I feel.  I am not afraid to die, and often pray for my time.  My children are young and this is why I hold on to life.  My human side fears only "HOW", but never when, or why.  I live for the day I will meet my maker, and he looks into my eyes/soul and says..."You have known Me."...Well done.  I look at the agony all around me, and also live it....I feel for what you and Marty are going through, I listen to the World News, and tears run down my face and sometimes anger.  I say Lord how much longer....How much longer???  We will not know the day nor the hour, but will know when the season is upon us.  There is so much wrong in this world, but we were left to our own devices...and sometimes..WE suffer.  I know of some great teachers and end time prophecy experts...If you are interested I will post them.  You may have them airing on cable or satelite.
I feel deeply... what you are going through...I can relate, believe me.  I will pray for you.....I am glad that you are able to post, even feeling as you do.  We are your friends and we are here for you........You have given so much to us already.  Hang in there JB!.... I
I will post a special verse for you.....(I have it saved in my computer)...when I locate it.  When I read it...It gives me peace and great joy.  All of this I have stated here...gives me my assurance...the times, scripture, end time prophecy, pain, love,...etc.... etc.

We love you and Marty!
Annie (: