Asking myself why?

[bettermomma]

I've been sitting here, for a while, just pondering. With the stress of the holidays, I just wasn't strong enough to resist and I relapsed. I have been asking myself all day, what is wrong with me? And I just can't believe myself. I'm the only person that has the answer and I'm even too ashamed to answer my own question. I wanna stay clean but how? With all this ugliness around me, how can I deal with a needle fetish and the desire to abuse subutex and suboxone, so plz comment with any suggestions! I need to be so er for me!

[littlebit010101]

Bama two things u never talk about religion and politics....but I think u are doing amazing and I'm so so so so so very proud of u....u got this...good luck my friend....

[IBKleen]

Our secrets keep us sick honey and there will come a time when you will have to share with someone. I too thought I had a dirty little secret and it turned out everyone knew. You may be surprised at the support you will get. Anyone who is around you knows something is wrong. They may not know exactly what but they know something is up.

Is there anyone that you can talk with in your family? A clean friend? Clergy?

[bettermomma]

Thanks y'all, and the reason I relapsed is stress... of life in general, I think... but there is no excuse for what Ive done. It is my fault and I've prayed more today than I remember ever praying in my life! I relapsed with subutex and I'm very ashamed. I keep thinking that my needle thing will just deminish, but the more I throw away it seems, the more I can get... I can't go to rehab because this is my secret burden. But I do have a problem and I know this now

[brokenheart_]

Prayer works!!!!!!!! all the time! If it is his will it will happen. Page 417 in the big book says acceptance is key to all situations. accepting every person place and thing because it is the way it is supposed to be. There is a huge world out there and we are each a very small part of it.

[bama88]

Or do you think that was a fluke?

[bama88]

Littlebit.... Your right god didnt put it here the devil did. Man did. I believe your wrong about God not helping. He answers prayers.  He wants us all to be happy and healthy. But your right you do have to do the work. Im a firm believer in that. But God can take away alot of the urges. I almost fell off my wagon. I was counting money and calling a dealer and then i prayed. Prayed hard. Guess what? The dealer changed his number. Aaaa the wonders of God.

[bama88]

Please start talking. Why did you relaps? What happened? Stress couldnt handle the sickies wanted to escape. Talk. We are all here for you.  We support eachother no matter what. Ok im sending you some strength courage and love. Now open up. I beg you. Please.

[bama88]

Oh dear bettermomma. Read my craziness today. I overmedicated to escape mental and physical pain. Could that be your case too? Talk to us. Please. Thats what we are here for. Nobody is judging or will be shocked we are here to help. I know a relaps is embarassing hurtful shameful. But come on. You deserve so much more than a needle in your arm. You are a child of god. A human being that was put on this planet for good things.

[IBKleen]

Hi,

I am sorry to hear about your relapse but glad that you came here and talked about it. that is a big step in the right direction. I understand the fetish you are talking about and for me it was an issue I had to deal with along with the drug addiction. The only way I was able to get help and begin my recovery was professionally. I needed a treatment center and aftercare. There was no way I could have gotten through it alone. My addiction is bigger than I am and I am not at all sure it is about being strong. It was about realizing I had a problem, asking for help and getting humble enough to accept the help. A lot of it was blind faith and that was tough. But it works.

You CAN get through this and you CAN get clean.

I don't know exactly what you are using right now and it really doesn't matter. What matters is that you are addressing the problem. Have you considered treatment as an option? What other things have you tried to get clean?

I hope you stick around and talk with us. there is a lot of great support here.

[littlebit010101]

Ok I don't know that god will remove it bc he didn't put it there...and I'm a firm believer in u got urself in now get urself out...just my humble opinion..which I depend on me a lot be that a good thing or bad don't know...but hey u have to ask urself this.....what's more important??? And u said ur to ashamed to admit well to whom? Urself?? Us?? Bc u don't have to admit to anyone but urself so just admit to urself and go from there...I mean u apparently know the reason so address that and we r all here for support...please keep posting and best wishes...

[brokenheart_]

The problem with asking yourself questions is that your best thinking got you where you are today. Asking someone who is in recovery and surrounding yourself with successes is a great start. Meet some sober ppl and get some tools. God will remove the mental obsession when you truly ask him.