Benzo withdrawal depression

[Almost_hopeless]

Hi,
I've posted here a few time since the beginning of the year,I'm almost 3 months off benzos now,all my physical symptoms have gone ,but this past 2 weeks I've been severely depressed,I know benzo detox comes and goes in waves,but I've honestly never really felt this low,it's almost like a prolonged come down off cocaine and alcohol binge,Im Off everything,for the first time since my teenage years I'm actually off everything,I find myself craving opiates a lot,and it's been 16 months since Ive given them up,well I'm craving a lot of things,I feel like just getting a bottle of whiskey and an eight ball of coke and some roxycodene and escaping from all this ****,I'm not craving benzos, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to handle this life of sobriety,it's just so freaking boring,I can't get comfortable in my own skin,I'm having battles in my head with the beast,I don't want to go back to that life,but this sober thing is so foreign to me,I can't go back,Ibe mended a lot of bridges since I got sober and, I will be letting a lot of people in my life down,including myself,if I could just get over this benzo **** I feel I can keep going and be happy,I've come off a lot of this,but this benzo thing is truly a different animal,it's so dragged out,I was doing great and then bam,it hit me fear depression,telling much self I'll never last sobertellimg myself whats the point I'll only relapse eventually,do people actually really become happy after years of drug abuse,I'm tired im really tired and im losing hope,I want to escape,but I know the consequences,I'm just stuck,there seems to be no relief right now,I will not use I've come too far,but is this it? Is this how sober life is,anyone gotten through this here,sorry guys just looking for some hope right now,cos the only relief I see is a temporary one with lots of consequences

[meegWpaw]

hey there, idk if what i say will help you, but i just wanted to tell you that i detoxed off benzos and opiates, and i had a year clean and just relapsed, thinking many of the thoughts you describe above.  it really wasnt worth it.  once you slip back you remember how it truly was and then when you get clean again you really _are_ grateful for all the things you were frustrated and upset with before.  the simple things that seem boring and lame are not!!!!  they are important and good things, even the small good things.  being clean is a BIG good thing, please don't choose to go back.  the benzo kick is a bich, those symptoms can last a looooooooooong time and then go away and come back with a vengeance.  try to be patient, i know thats hard and you already have been.  get all the support you can.  even if you hate reaching out, you need to start doing that if you want to stay clean.  therapy, meetings, friends (clean ones), religion, classes use ALL of it!  you can't do it alone.  good luck, sounds like you are doing great!

[Almost_hopeless]

Thanks guys for all your replies,
I read them all, it's very comforting to know that there are people who understand,I've completely  changed my social circle,meaning I barely have one,but that's ok right now,I've been hanging with friends who are clean,and I find that putting myself in uncomfortable situations,like meeting new people is actually helping a lot,I had a crazy work week,and constant battles in my head about using,but today I'm calm,going around to a friends house that I met at na many years ago,we always kept in touch,but it's nice to hang out with him clean,I feel this past two days something really good happened with the benzo withdrawal,yesterday I realized the tinnitus I was have having went away,it's strange I had gotten so accustomed to ringing in my ears,that it wasn't until it went away I realize I still had it,I'm Healing and hopeful,I get cravings,but I'm aware of the consequences,I'm older wiser and too much to lose,this is really tough but I'm tougher ,and reading your posts today helped so much,I have so much more work and healing to do,i don't have another detox left in me,the relapse can happen so easy,the detox is another story,I very gratefull to be clean,i can't wait to wake up early tomorrow morning,and go for a walk,I remember for years I would come home from days of partying tweaked and coked out,looking at people up early in the morning walking their dogs and kids,and I would be stumbling home,with dry lips powdered nose,the only thing on my mind the roxycodene waiting at home for me to aid my come down,it's preety amazing to be able to seriously say that one day at a time that is all behind me,

[gnarly_1]

Hi........well after reading your post it screams addict all over it....it is ok im a addict to....but I no longer use....these feeling your going threw are normal but if you dont get a hold on them your going to go back out there  it is in our nature addicts use....  anyway I found help in the rooms of N/A.... it is a simple progam that will change your life if your honest with yourself  I to was never quit comfortable in my skin and the obsession of using was constant  by working the progam over the last 60 months I have lost all but the most faint desire to use....start by googling a meeting near you and start going  just go and listen the meetings are only a hour long  you will find your not the only one with these thoughts....going to meetings really helps then when your comfortable you can share with people that will understand.....after time you can find a sponcer and work the steps  it will help you fix the train wreck your life has become  you have nothing to loose and a amasine life to gain  you dont have to go threw life feeling this way there is help...I used for 35yrs  if it will work for a dope fiend like me it will work for anyone who is willing to try  get to a meeting...........Gnarly

[Almost_hopeless]

Thank you for your kind words:)
Ya I'm gonna get through this,im really lucky to be alive,I just have to remember I'm still healing I guess, not as fast as I'd like but everyday I'm healing,I have my girlfriend since I was 22,as much as I've messed up, she's always been there for me,and she's never used drugs,were planning to marry this year,and if I use again that's not going to,happen,finally I'm doing right by all the peope in my life,and it feels good,apart from the benzo detox, I have to remind myself the good things I have to be grateful for,sometimes my thoughts can really go to places where I'm close to,using,today after work I found myself driving through the tenderloin district of sf,having battles in my head if I should buy some Roxie or not,I just wanted an escape today,and I'm glad I vented about it,and I'm truly grateful for you reminding me,I'm not the only one that's been through this,sending good wishes to you and yours Debbie,
Goodnight:)

[BOK2Bjan]

I am so happy to read about your journey.  I am of course very sorry to hear of how difficult it is right now, but you have so much to be proud of.  I had to be on a great deal of opiates for pain relief over a long period of time.  The dose kept being increased, until I realized it really wasn't helping anymore, and if I had surgery or something even more painful - there wasn't anything that could relieve the pain.  SO - I took a month and withdrew from it.  It wasn't easy, but I was so glad I did it.  I do still use a less potent pain reliever but things have gotten a lot better and I understand the journey you have undertaken.

I'm writing to tell you that the benzo deal is totally different.  Throughout this time, I had also been prescribed Xanax, which I took only at bedtime.  I changed doctors and no longer had access to the drug, so started tapering off.  It is the hardest drug to get off of there is.  

I have a pharmacist friend who had told me that, but I didn't worry about it.  I should have.  I did some research on the best ways to wean yourself off and also read some of the medical information about why it is so difficult and things that can help.  I would highly recommend you do some reading on it as well.

I truly believe that having a good understanding of what is going on in your body during detox is helpful.  And since it takes longer to get over the effects of being off this class of drug - understanding why and also knowing some coping strategies is really helpful.

I wish you all the luck in the world.  Nothing is or ever could be as rewarding as being with that girlfriend who has stood by your side throughout all the bad times - there are good times ahead.  It WILL get better, and there may be some things you can learn about that might help.

Congratulations, and hang in there - but do get some information that could hopefully help you through these really rough spots.

[atthebeach]

I know how hard it is to wait. You can't except everything to get better within a year and a half. The finances will take time. You are working on it.
Don't stress yourself out so much and cause more anxiety and depression.
Give yourself credit for as far as you have come.
You are still young being 34. You have many years to get things right.
Recovery is a marathon not a sprint.

Take the time you need each day to work on your recovery. That is the most important thing. Please commit at least one meeting a week. Get back to the mediation.


Your brain needs to heal. The brain chemistry needs to repopulate.
It will take awhile for it to again  make its own endorphins, serotonin, dopamine.

No man is an island, we all need help and human interaction. Get some sunshine too.

I am proud of you.

[Almost_hopeless]

Hi Debbie,
Yes I do work,when I quit the booze coke and opiate ,I began to use benzos,I started up my own construction company,while on benzos,then my use got completely out of hand,I was prescribed them for 2 months for alcohol withdrawal,and after the 2 months I bought them off off the street,I go to see a drug counciller once a week,I also was going to meditation groups,and mixing aa with smart recovery,I'm still running my own business and Its going well,it's just lately I've been hit with insomnia and depression,and works been pretty stressful,I live in San fran,and there's so much work going on its hard to keep on top of it all,also I'm still paying back back taxes,which is stressful cos I'm not seeing the financial benefits of all this hard work,but I feel good to be doing al this,it's the right thing to do,and eventually I'll have it payed off,it's really just I feel brain dead and not as sharp as I once was,benzos realy did a number in me,or should I say I really did it to myself,I need to reach out to people, I haven't had barely anytime for meetings ,I've been doing 16!hour days at work,I like work,as stressful as it is,it's paying off my debts,someday I'll actua be able to save some for myself I hope,ugh I just an addict,and I'm a pretty independent one,and I hate asking for help,my drug counciller says I need to reach out and become more vulnerable,it's,just really hard for me,I do appreciate your reply Debbie,it's not the first time you've replied,I'm grateful to you

[atthebeach]

You are doing awesome!!

[atthebeach]

There is alway hope . Keep the faith.
I am glad you posted and reached out.

What have you been doing for aftercare?
AA,NA meetings, seeing a counselor, exercising, support of family and friends,
Church, talking to a pastor?
Do you work? Keep yourself busy? Eating a healthy diet, taking vitamins?

Congratulations on your clean time. Each day that you aren't using you
Are healing. You are doing. Keep moving forward.
Be patient with the process. Time will be your healer.
Keep up the good work.
Keep reaching out.
Sending prayers, encouragement, support, peace and healing.
Debbie