One pill, two pill, white pill, blue pill

[skillet]

Anyone out there have any advice for someone who has recognized that they have a drug addiction problem, started to go to AA, but has relapsed?  I was doing OK in AA and starting to feel better until I picked up again.  I was prescribed some Percocet and Vicodin for a kidney stone a few weeks ago.  It was like opening the doors to the all you can eat buffet for addicts!  I was able to justify my use for the first day or two, but once the pain subsided I consciously chose to continue using.  Since then, I've started mixing the percs and vicodin or switch to Flexeril and Ativan.  I know that mixing these meds together can be dangerous, but am not thinking safety...just euphoria.  I'm so sick and tired of the manipulation, secrecy and compulsion to do whatever it takes to get high.  I want to be straight out truthful with my wife, but can't stand the reality of disappointing her...again.  I just can't get a bunch of days strung together in sobriety.  I feel like such a hypocrite in AA, sitting and listening to other's stories with which I can relate to, but in the back of my mind planning on when I can get high again.  The progression of drug abuse is only going to lead me further and further down a path I don't want to go down.  I want to regain my own self respect and sanity before it is too late, but I feel extremely stuck in this viscious cycle.  If anyone can relate or has some advice, please post.  Thanks.

[passenby]

Sorry to post again but I meant ct(COLD TURKEY)on Sat.

[Thomas03]

There's no denying that opiates are great anti-depressants. In fact, they're working on next-generation anti-depressants based on how opiates work. Obviously, they're trying to find substances that can reproduce the anti-depressant effect of opiates without all the baggage.

You might find these sites good reading:

www.heroin.org

www.erowid.org

Thomas

[Thomas050]

thanks. I'm actually doing OK at the moment (the nice weather is helping). And I am also really glad I found this forum. I took the pills Monday thru Thursday and by Thurs I had to take 5 at a time to feel anything (or actually, to not feel, if that makes sense). But I have not taken any since (partially because of that tollerance factor), but I am actually contemplating not getting more. It's weird, the further I get away from them there is a part of me that says "get away and stay away while you can". And at times I feel I'll be able to. Feeling good without them feels great (like what Amber mentioned above). But then when I start feeling down - when life's tough spots combine with my depression, I will prob seek to feel better, and the pills do it, even if only temporarily. But yea, I do see the addiction train heading my way. And I do see that i am, an a way, kinda smothering any natural coping skills I have. But my natural coping skills were not cutting it (I was suicidal, not good). But I think before I found this forum I was at 40/60 (sensible self/drug abuser). Now I feel like I'm 60/40 :)

Some here have rather large dragons to slay. Remember, we're in your army. If your sword breaks, we're behind you and will supply you another one.

Thanks to all,
Thomas050

[Thomas03]

Welcome to the forum.

May I say what a classic load of rationalizing, bargaining USDA-choice bullshit that is? I'm jealous! I miss those heady days when the guano flowed like a river and there was never a reason to stop using. All I can see now are reasons, and I hate it. It

[Thomas050]

Hi alexistx,

I understand what you mean about getting used to functioning on the pills. I am using them to get thru tough days, and I am beginning to see that I am going to have a difficult time dealing with those tough times when I decide to stop using them. The thought of not having them to resort to during those tough times is already a little scary, but my mind tells me I now I know I could do it if I had to (is that part of the addiction factor?). I do see how the addiction part works, both what I mentioned above and also the fact that my depression is worse than normal when I come off the pills. It's weird, I am fully aware of how the addiction works and I thought that would make me impervious to getting addicted, but I am beginning to think otherwise. I keep saying that I am only using right now to deal with things, and I do have intentions of not using in the future. At some point I will put on my suit of metaphorical armor and slay the dragon, and I feel like I can at any time, but what i am beginning to realize is that the dragon is growing bigger and bigger so I better not wait to long before it will be virtually impossible. I could slay a 20' tall dragon, but a 100' tall dragon, hmmmm that will be hard ;)

Kind regards,
T.050

[Susie B]

Sounds like you need to put on the armour-NOW! I don't post often, but I always look for your comments- they always help, always support. What can I say to help you now?