Relapse

[louksan]

Hi. My husband relapsed after 20mnths of being clean. Prior to this he used every now-and-again since he was 17years old he is now 30. We have a 27month old boy who is my priority. I just don't understand what to do next. Everytime he used I kicked him out. This time he relapsed and confessed to me before all the lying and stealing started, which I am grateful for, however I am still very angry and have such HUGE trust issues with him right now. I put down the pipe on Friday (10th July) and I don't think he has picked up again. However I did tell him after the last time 20mnths ago - that I will leave him if he uses again. Now I guess i need to do what I say otherwise I am just enabling him to continue? Am I co-dependent here? Such a difficult decision - he is great whilst clean... but there is always this 'fear' of him using... when will it happen again.... i have no way of knowing... and I not feel free. He was never violent - but he's just not THERE for me.... I am 35 is there life after being involved with an addict for 4years?

[louksan]

Thank you for your input, I do believe that I need to take ownership for my own life now and go seek support. I used to be such a bubbly person always joking and having a laugh... not much of that going around now... I want ME back! For me and my son's sake. My hubby is truely a great guy when he is clean and i do not wish to take my son away from his dad - they do love each other so much! I just battle understand that even though he has a loving wife, a beautiful healthy sparkly child... (after he himself has been in a horrid upbringing with a crack addict father that died at 50) .... why does he stil choose to use the thing that breaks him down to a NOTHING thing??? I myself have not been addicted to anything although I have tried many narcs....in my youth experiementing.... so I just don't get-it...

[worried878]

u know if he doesnt want to do the work..u cant do it for him...u have a life..and whether u spend it with him or not is ur choice....lots of factors come into play and only u can make this choice...u may leave him..and it may make him straighten up///for a while...u never know for real if he will stay clean if he works no program with a hx like his of abuse..he needs more help than his stubborn willpower...and he has not reached his bottom

i think  that YES there is a life for u without him if u so decide...u r living in a pool of negativity and dysfunction so ur outlook is grim right now or u would not even be asking this question...and it is justified looking at the circumstances...maybe get some counseling for urself...or al-anon..etc..help for those who r involved with and addict or alcoholic,,,,i hope that he gets it together...but u also have to look out for urself...good luck

[GA Guy]

I was a lot like your husband. I refused to go to AA or NA. I thought it was demeaning and beneath me. However, I finally got to the point where I had enough and wanted the pain to stop. The rooms of NA and AA have saved me and made me a better person. The alternative is some sort of group therapy or one on one therapy. The best choice for you is to attend some Al-Anon meetings and learn how to cope with these issues yourself. From there, you can gain the ability and tools to deal with his addiction and make your own life better. We are not responsible for getting this desease, but we are responsible for our recovery. You can't do that for him.

[louksan]

No - he had no aftercare what so ever and totaly refuses to go to NA .. he has been to 3 different rehabs in his early twenties. He is an EXTREMLY stubborn person and one of those that you get more resistance if you PUSH him. I appreciate that he told me and am grateful he put down so quickly. He sounds so convincing that he does not want that life... he knows he will end up on the streets again like he did when he was twenty. Are there any other alternatives to NA? You mention addictive behavior although clean? Would being a workaholic one of those? Thanks for the your input.

[GA Guy]

Addiction is a chronic relapsing disease. It happens. The good thing is that he told you and did something before things returned into full blown addictive behavior. It sounds like he may have spent 20 months being what AA calls a "dry drunk". In other words, he was clean, but still exhibiting addictive behavior. This is why AA/NA and aftercare can be very important. It gives us tools to deal with the behavior, not just the drinking/using. Did he have any aftercare program at all? Is he open to it?