Relapsed again...not giving up

[corey411]

So here I am again. This is the 4th time since May. Even though I keep getting right back on track this is getting old. This time I was really scared and thought I had bladder cancer before I found out it was a stone. I just can't seem to ride those intense emotions out and cave. I really thought I would at least make 3 months this time with my NA commitment. I've been using again for about a month but have not binged as big as in the passed. I have been trying a taper with what I have left. This amazes me bc I never before have been able to hold onto pills to taper. I went from 30+ mgs last week to 12.75  for 3 days, but messed up and took 20 yesterday and today. I have 8- 7.5 mg hydros  left and plan to do 15 mg tommorrow and 10.75   1/2 3x a day the next 4 days. I think that should keep me able to work and not get sick through till the weekend. I can't handle the thought of being dope sick again. I've kept my usage low and although I tapered quick I didn't get sick yet...just a bit jittery. I don't plan to give up on NA...or me. I try to make some kindof change to be stronger in my next recovery attempt each time I relapse and I think I need a new sponcer. Not that it's her fault but she is always busy and unable to call back. I haven't been able to come onto the forum too much in the passed 3 months bc after work it's meetings and that's almost all I have time for. I've been lurking every so often and checking up on everyone. Now that I've done my 30/30 with NA I think I'll divide my time on the forum and there. Thanks for all of your support over the months. Just felt I had to get this out there. GBU, Corey

[cathy5841]

hey corey, glad you are back.  you need to get rid of your suppliers...whether its drs or not, if an addict has a supply or can get a pill they usually do.  you can do this, but it takes work and determination.  we are here when you need us.

[joann1975]

I hope you have a great day at work Corey! You can do this!!!
JoAnn

[corey411]

Thanks guys, I'm getting ready to leave for work and needed a few words of encouragement. Only took 1/2 of a 7.5 so maybe I will only need 11/2 today. Thanks, Corey

[joann1975]

Hey Corey...I'm sorry about your relapse...I'm glad to see you here...but of course not for this reason. I know you want this and I know you can do this! This addiction is a horrible battle...you will win! I know it. You know what to do...remember though we are here for you to lean on and you can PM me anytime ok?

You will do this...(i know this b/c you never quit trying) you are a strong woman!

Hugs,
JoAnn

[worried878]

and never, never, ever give up!  that is when it is over...as long as u r trying u r part of this world..everyone/just about/has an addiction to something if u think about it...it may be cigs, drink, men, galmbling, abuse even...narcs, sleep meds, anxiety pills...we dont know everything about everybody we know....many never face up and do what u r doing...that is a huge victory  itself!  (:

[corey411]

Thanks guys. I won't give up and will start posting more again. I had to make it through the 90 days in NA and it was really taking all of my time. Now that I did my 90 days I will go to 3 or 4 meetings a week and have some time to have some of my life back. I did miss you all. So many new people here I can't believe it. The NA meetings really help(just got back from one) but some of the peoplle are very hardcore and obsessive about recovery. They see almost everything that you say as having a hidden meaning that you want to use. Many are not like this but so many fill your head with your never going to get better unless you come to a meeting everyday and dedicate your life to NA or you will use and die. It gets scary sometimes and you can get this feeling of hopelessness when people are saying "you are powerless" all the time. I wanted to try NA without posting too much about it bc I wanted to make sure that I wasn't posting on here so I could hear what I wanted to hear.....I had to stay long enough to make a decision on my own. I think I will keep both NA and the forum. I'm really scared about how I'M gonna be when the pills run out as my last CT detox put me in a really bad place. I hope I have the strength to stretch these pills out over the week. I have this feeling that everything is going to be OK. Thanks for all of the support. GBU, Corey

[Jimmy1975]

Don`t be so hard on yourself bro Worried is right ! This is my second time here in a year also . I was like you not a heavy user and W?D`s were not so bad but the anxiety was not much fun to say the least !   Day 34 for me .  Peace  Jim

[dominosarah]

Am glad you are back and posting.  Dont give up.  Keep fighting this.  Stay strong  sara

[lady67]

Hey Corey please don't give up.  I tried so many times before I was finally able to get to day 101.  I will tell you this,  one of your problems is that you said you are "BACK" here for the 4th time.  Sweetie, don't ever leave.  Hand on to this forum like it is your lifeline.  I swear this is the only thing that has kept me clean.  The people here are awesome and the support is terrific.

I will be praying for you man
~S

[ladyboop]

Girl we have all been there. I finally broke down ahd told my dr. That way I could not get any more pills. He put me on the methadone. Which I know is really bad! Been there done that. I am on a low dose, and I do not plan on staying on it long. Now I have no where to get pills. As I really do not know people who seel them. Thank God for that!

Good luck ans never give up. As long as your fighting the battle, your winning!!!  :-))

             Lady

[lifesaride]

never give up,keep trying

[corey411]

Thanks worried. I did mean 90/90...Did my 90 meetings. Just not clean the last one. You've got this beat girl.

[worried878]

actuall it is 90 meetingins in 90 days as they say the brain takes this long to heal enuf to ward off intense depression and cravings...but it often takes even longer....most people who make it the 90 days without caving end up clean...well the percentage rate goes way up anyway..dont beat urself up as this is so hard...staying clean that is...by now i am sure u have figured out that the wds are not the hard pasrt at all...i would probably be tempted to use again and gain if all i had to do was feel fluish for several days!  but there is alot more to it...u keep trying...this is a process...many get so ick of those pills but sometimes it doesnt happen on the first go around...most do not quit the first time around and u r not at a high dose...u know how to get celan so i wont repeat the thomas recipe and stuff   ...just be there for me if i need ya!  hopefully not but we are all at risk