Rock bottom?

[GoodOldDays]

Daily reader, infrequent poster. Right now I can't imagine a bigger loser than myself. Keeping it short - I've been swiping pills from my mother. Last month she ran out a week early and had to ask an relative for pills. That relative was not happy and everyone thinks my mother is abusing her script. She got her refill and I have already taken enough that she'll run out again - a week or more before she should. Who the **** am I? This ridiculous behavior. Somehow I have to make it right and have no clue how to.

Lately I have read some inspiring improvement stories and terrific responses. Not that I deserve anything remotely kind from anyone as I'm a complete scumbag. I want to quit. I must repair the damage. I want look in the mirror and not see a bleepin loser! Or maybe that's the reality of who I have become. A junkie dirt bag who everyone thinks is a good guy. Yea - I'm a great guy (sarcasm at the highest level).

[GoodOldDays]

You're right. It's night time and I have no access or desire for that matter. First item of business in the AM is to talk to her and get a lock box. Thanks for the response. It's the right approach...the only approach really. Still a scumbag and it'll be humbling and embarrassing but it's on me. It's the first step and then I can focus on recovery. As I said above, I stopped for 9 days not too long ago so I need to stop making justifications, excuses, or whatever learn to deal with stress appropriately. Maybe that means NA or some sort of aftercare. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a new beginning. It has to be if I'm ever going to respect myself again.

[GoodOldDays]

jifmoc - yes I've been struggling for quite some time. Unfortunately my efforts haven't panned out and it's time to take action. I wish I had been successful much sooner. But I feel as if I've hit my rock bottom and if I haven't I don't want to keep going to find out how much lower it can go.

[BearsFan1966]

Welcome back! she knows you are taking them I used to take from my step mom and when I stopped the first time she told me she knew I was taking them....its so hard when all we think about is that next pill. You can do this and coming clean will mean the world to her that you trust her enough and love her enough to come clean.
She will be your biggest supporter and be there for you. We will all be here for you!

[this_big]

I agree with above posters..come clean with your mother. You'll be amazed how liberating it is. Coming clean with my father was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. He already knew what was going on as I'm sure your mother does. It'll be a lot better for you to approach her about it, then her to approach you. Know what I mean?

On a side note. Rock bottom?... Let me tell ya brother. Every bottom has a basement. Nip this in the bud now. The farther you fall the longer the climb back up. Good luck man!!

[dedicatedtostop]

Hey there,
Hope today is a better day! I don't have too much to add to what the above posters have already said..

Listen, your not a scumbag, your an addict! We have all done many things we regret! Failure isn't about falling down, it's about not getting back up. You have been given another chance, take it and run with it!! The only ending to continung to use is death!!

You mentioned that you wish you would have went farther than your 9 days! What are you going to do to make sure that doesn't happen again?? Please consider NA.. AA, whatever is most fitting for you! It's so critical in the long road! You CAN do this!! All you need is the WILL!

We are all here for you and we have all been exactly where you are!!!

Come clean to your Mother, then take that leap of Faith! Post here, we will get you through!!
Please keep us posted!

[GoodOldDays]

Hi all - thank you for the feedback and advice. I haven't done anything today as I slept for 15 hours. I suspect it's due to the very trying week I had. It really touched upon many emotions and I think I finally crashed sort to speak. With that said I still am coming clean. When I finally got moving she was out so this evening I should be able to sit down with her. Hopefully this haze lifts a bit but I'm not counting on it. Part of it is exhaustion, part of it is I haven't taken a pill. And will not.

Thanks for the support. There is a common theme. I wouldn't say I'm in denial as I see what I am. An addict. The courage to address it is difficult and maybe until I do that I not truly accepting it.