Seeking encouragement on my journey to FREEDOM - tapering from Suboxone AGAIN

[KLB84]

I am in the process of tapering from Suboxone long-term use. I'm down to almost 1 mg. I've done this before but got scared when it came time to jump and made a bad decision to get some short lasting opiates to help thru the bad parts then got back on Suboxone and spent the last four years maintaining. But a lot has happened since then: a divorce from an abusive husband, moving to another state, finishing College, buying a house and getting a good job. I feel beyond ready now. Just tired of this monkey on my back. After reading my previous posts from 4 years ago I was discouraged to see how close I was to being free when I messed up and reading other people's posts about the horrors of Suboxone was also discouraging. No wonder I was so scared to jump! so I'm moving forward! No one in my life knows except my doctor so I thought it was time to join the community again. I felt good yesterday I took about 1.2 mg. today I've only taken 1 mg and I'm feeling pretty rough. I've been taking 1/3 of a 4mg strip, so 1.33 mg for about a month but it seems like the lower my dose gets the harder each taper is. From what I read this is normal I'm starting to try to work out and I've also started taking a nutritional supplement full of vitamins including B vitamins to help with the energy because that seems to be one of the worst things. I also had my doctor write me a prescription for Gabapentin (a low dose) which I know helped me tremendously before with restless legs. For the last few days trying to get down to 1 mg I feel my anxiety increasing. I'm not really hurting bad but I feel like I'm getting the flu. My life is pretty stable right now emotionally and spiritually so I feel like it's a good time to get off - that and I just hate being on this medication that has such a horrible stigma, that I have to keep hidden and that I'm bound by. I guess the one bad thing is I work a professional job and cannot skip work. I have to go (and perform well) even when I don't feel like it. Also this time around I've been on it almost 5 years  not just one like last time. So anyway, encouragement is welcome.  And if you have any insight into what may help with the flu like symptoms. I've read a lot and been through it once but your input and encouragement are still very welcome to me.

[KLB84]

*Disclosure- don't read this if you need encouragement. I'm venting and having a tough time.*
I spoke tooooo soon!!! :-( So I was having a good day - emotions and senses heightened but still OK - decided to wait longer to take my .125 mg dose - I usually take it at 2 to make it thru the rest of my work day (I'm working 11 hour days) but I wanted to see how long I could go and maybe not take it at all. I only made it until 5 pm.  By 4:30 my anxiety was MAXED out. I have the one and only cubicle in the MIDDLE of the office and I can hear smell and see everything! It's the worst scenario for over-active senses. I also stare at small numbers on a computer screen all day. Just some info...anyway...so by 4:30 pm I think everyone in the office had their glade pug ins turned up on full blast (PLEASE tell me if there is something that will take away my sense of smell for a while!!) - I was shaking my leg wanting to scream until they took me out in a straight jacket (I didn't though. I bit my lip until 6:30 and left almost running!) On my way home (in the dark) I got behind two fire trucks with lights on. (My head was already pounding at this point from the small numbers and strong glade.) It seems by the time I get off work I have a headache EVERYDAY and the car lights are already extra bright right now.  I'm finally home - body hurts and I feel nauseous and my dog is whining wanting to play because I've been gone all day.....UGH! Can I really do this while working 11 hour days 6 days a week? I really don't want to wait any longer. I want to be DONE with this!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do. My boyfriend tries to talk me through it but he's never been through it so sometimes I just want to scoff at him and tell him he doesn't understand - but I don't because I know how lucky I am to have him sticking by my irritable side. I want to go to a meeting to talk to people who actually do understand but HOW do I find the time when I'm so tired after work I want to die? Yes my sobriety is very important to me but so is work - I have bills and I live by myself and support myself. I realize this post is extremely pessimistic but I needed to vent - really just want to cry. This rollercoaster is tough - the downs can't be anticipated enough. I'm just overwhelmed and exasperated right now. PRAYING tomorrow will be better.  

[KLB84]

One day at a time... every day is hard now it seems but it's tolerable. I haven't lost my mind just yet.

[KLB84]

Well...day 2 on point 33 mg - it sucks. Every muscle in my body hurts and my limbs feel like they weigh 500 lbs but this too shall pass just gotta keep moving fwd... one day at a time.  Glad it's the weekend and I'm not working 6 days a week just yet.

[KLB84]

Symptoms come a lot faster at this low dose. Usually takes 3-4 days to feel real bad but not now - just one. I do feel cruddy most of the time now so I'm going to make my next few tapers quick (or at least that's the plan) because I do think maybe at this point I'm prolonging it - this is just my personal experience and everyone is different.  My doctor isn't telling me what to do; he's letting me make the decisions but is on board. I honestly think he thinks I could stop at any moment but I'm not so sure so he's going to let me jump when I'm ready which is better I think - to feel empowered vs. Forced. It gives me a reason to be proud of doing it.

[KLB84]

Going down to .33 mg tomorrow.  Yes, POINT 33 - 1/6 of a 2 mg strip.  Wish me luck.  It won't be long now before I make the jump.

[KLB84]

Dang that should have said a 1/2 (a half) of a milligram instead of 1/5 LOL but I'm still very happy about it. In fact this taper was not as bad. I don't know if it's because I stayed on .66 mg longer or maybe the worst is over? Not saying I expect to feel good but I'm still relieved it was better then the last one. I'm thankful for the little victories and hurdles surpassed.