Still struggling...............62 days.

[Jebs317]

I am having a really hard time believing in myself and that I can continue to do this.  Through all of my group sessions and therapy..............I know, without a doubt that I could not say "no" if pills were put in front of me.  I don't know if I crave them or if I am just having such a hard time living without them.  I doubt myself every day......I doubt that I can have enough energy to get through the day.  If I know that it gets easier, I will continue to fight.  Sometimes.....like today........it would be so easy to give up.

[dominosarah]

Keep doing what you are doing by talking and your aftercare......You can do this!!!!     sara

[IBKleen]

"One is too many and a thousand is never enough" (didn't mean to correct you but it has more meaning this way).

Drugs have a hold on us because they take us away from ourselves and our feelings, and who wants to deal with feelings? Well, for me, once I did I found that it wasn't more than I could handle and I could learn to live clean.

Hang in there Jebs and never give up!!!

[Jebs317]

I know exactly what you mean.....I have heard it so many times and it is so true.  "One is never enough and 1,000 is too many."  I also feel that if I took "just one"......I would be sucked back in so fast.  I absolutely know that I am not able to take them as prescribed or as needed......that just didn't exist.  
I am starting to realize that this will be a lifelong fight......it may get easier, but it is something we will always have to be aware of.  It's a good feeling at the same time of being very scary.  I just keep trying to remind myself of the endless hours I spent on trying to make sure I had enough pills.....would I run out early, would the doctor believe my lies just one more time.....could I get the "flu" again, when I just had it 2 weeks ago.  That was an exhausting way to live.  
Why does the "high" have such a hold on us?  Was it that good?  

[want2bme]

I am having trouble with the mental part as well..THe physical part was terrible however bearable I knew it would eventually end.  I am very early in this day 15 but I too am having trouble replacing the pill taking.  I fight it everyday, when I am bored and able to think I realize I find myself thinking of them.  But I think two things that are keeping me strong.  
If I give in and take "just one" I will be reminded of what that high felt like...and I will prob. want it that much more.  I am 15 days away from that chemically induced high.  
My second thought is I have control over this and choose to starve this addiction out.  Taking one or two will only feed this monster..make it stronger.  
Good Luck..
K

[Jebs317]

Thank you for all of your words of support.  I am running out the door to go to work and I decided to check email and all of you have put a smile on my face through so many tears!  I think for me.....this time is different.  This time I know in my heart that it's over.  I have put aftercare in place and it is making a huge difference.  It is making me understand why I numbed myself for so long with pills.  I really don't want to face things in my past that will hurt, but I need to and that is hard.  
Reality sets in and working 2 jobs and raising a teenager by myself doesn't leave much time for physical healing.  The mental part is what is getting to me.  I saw my PCP about 3 weeks ago and she is happy that I am doing this.  She prescribed prozac....and I have been taking it.  It seems to help.  The hardest thing for me is replacing the pills.  With what?  I got so used to popping pills when I was happy, sad, energetic, tired, overjoyed and overwhelmed.  But.....it wasn't real.  The feelings I was getting were chemical....they weren't my true feelings.  Now all I have is the real me........and that is scary!  
I have said this so many times in the past weeks, but I don't feel worthy of giving anyone on here advice.  I have to get my head on straight, before I can help guide other people.  But....I read all of your posts every day and they help so much!!!  Your days of sobriety are my inspiration.........truly!

Kristen

[sway1]

you could really benefit from NA and the 12 steps they hold. like laurel said, it's like being naked. the first 3 steps can clothe you for a while. you are in what my old rehab counsellors call emotional relapse. try making 2 lists. one on short term goals. one on long term goals. that way at least you'll have something to work on and occupy your mind. i think it's urgent that you take some kind of action right now. peace, sway

[gnarly_1]

Hey Jebs....im sorry to here your struggling but your still early in your sobriety but you should start to come around soon at 90 days it seamed to be the start of the turning point for me...I still had a ways to go but it was the beginning of a ray of hope that it was finely going to end and some sort of normal life was going to begin.... today I have 226 days in
and life is a beautiful place again...joy and happyness has returned to me and although it took longer then I would have liked it to it is so so worth the fight to be where im at now
dont give in...and try not to get discouraged YOU CAN DO THIS you already have
now you just have to wait for your prize good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    

[vicki595]

Hey~  Laurel gave you some sage advice. I agree with her. This may be PAWS and you may also need an antidepressant. Why don't you get with your doctor?

We change our brain chemistry so much with pills etc...Sometimes a jump start back to normal does the trick.

It's good that you posted and 3 months is teriffic!!!  Try to feed your brain other things that are pleasurable: a good meal,a nice walk,ICECREAM !!! It helps.  :)

Post back and check in~

Love~
Vicki

[rue10]

There's a saying somewhere  "Don't quit before the miracle happens".  Your miracle could be tonight, or tomorrow morning.  If you pick up a pill you'll never know.  Please continue therapy and Pray if you're a praying person.  If you're not, I will stand in the gap and pray for you until....whenever.

Please don't give up.  I'm rooting for you...Rue.

[laurel453]

please, jebs, do hang in.... i know it's not easy at all, i've been through very hard times and even months struggling with my emotions with waves of lack of energy and motivation and i really believe that all the time it was what you have said about having a hard time living without them...it's true, we don't know how to deal with life without them but there is a way and on the other hand, our brain receptors ( those relating serotonin and dopamine and so..) are damaged after our abusing days and they need time to get used to the new situation and even repair the damage, we need time to repair ourselves.

maybe you could try  some antidepressant ? I know you are attending meetings and therapy and they take some time to start working and for us to implement those tools they are teaching you....break those negative thoughts you are having every day whenever they cross your mind with positive thoughts even if you don't believe them yet ... it's a simple method of stopping those automatic thoughts bt it works if you give it the time...and we need time to accept that life won't be this automatic pleasure we got from those killing substances, we must get used to changing the chip of getting atomatic pleasure from things, life doesn't work that way  and we are new to this so we feel almost naked for a while...the same with the self steem...we need time to rebuild it again :)

we can do a lot of things....  have you made those life changes we need so much making like exercising, leading a very healthy diet, a disciplined life and  getting rid of any toxic relationships...those things are important and they play a very important role in our recovery all in all....maybe you can try attending NA too....and  for those waves when the lack of energy hit you, you could help yourself with some Ltyrosine and don't forget the vitamins and the B's complex ...

never, never give up in yourself, ...fighting for ourselves is the only way we can live now,,,,it's hard, tough but it's good.... and  it's much better than living in active addiction  ( we were hurting our health, our organs, our lives, our souls, our future life) trust me that things will get better and you'll feel better...you are probably  having one of those PAWS but you can never give up, it's our lives we are talking  about and today we are working for a better future just the opposite than in our past lives !!

keep walking, jebs :)