Just took my last 3--hopeful and scared

[NikkiB78]

yes....i kinda did a c/t detox from roxy's a few weeks ago.  ended up back at the pain mgmnt doc to ask for wellbutrin and ended up with a script for 120 norco also.  which i consumed all of in 11 days.  more than i have taken in my life.  and now i know this has to be done.  i used the excuse in my head that i would let the wellbutrin work into my system with one last script of narcs.  the anxiety/depression is the hardest for me (even before being a pill head), so i felt it was time to try some kind of A/D anyway.

i am armed with a clonidine patch should i need it, hylands, vitamins, and gatorade.  last time i took the weekend and hubby took care of the kids and honestly i felt better after a few days.  he doesn't know i obtained another script last friday so i am playing this off as my first monthly cycle with no pain pills and killer cramps and a sinus infection (both partly true).  please no brow-beatings as my husband is on them too and is tapering himself off to be pill free as well and i dont want my relapse to hinder his mental progress and the plans he has for himself.  together we will do this for our kids.  we are both not going back to our pain clinic as we both admitted to the problems the pills have caused.  this is making a very long story short.  i love my husband with all my heart and am so glad that thru seeing what i have gone thru/am going thru....that he has decided to take the high road as well.  i knew i should not have gone back to that pill mill knowing that if they offered me a script i wouldnt be able to turn it down.  and he knows the same.  so we are both reverting back to our family doctors.  me for an A/D and him for motrin 800's (he has chronic plantar facistis).

anyway....just wanted to say i'm back.  over the last 11 days i have taken 120 norco, so do that math.  :/  i just took my last 3 at 7:10pm 6/27/11.  i pray to God that i have learned my lesson.  i learned a few weeks ago off of the pills that i am actually much more patient and laid back with my kids....even in w/d's.  that my attitude seems to change from pompous and over-energized to relaxed and empathetic.  i want that feeling again more than i want these pills.  my hubby and family (i told everyone a few weeks ago) all think i have been clean since the 10th.  i feel guilty for this slip up, but i almost feel like i have to fight this time on my own, that by giving in i don't deserve their support this time anyway.  i will do this tho.  i have to.  we have been going to church for the last month as a family and i have asked the prayer team and my pastor to pray for deliverance.  i know God will only grant it if i ask and want and truly do my part.  so i am.  starting now.

[acesmom]

Just wanted to say congratulations on being so strong... I have welbutrin also and i was wondering if you thought those help. The sweats are the first things for me then anxiety and pain. I will be keeping up in my prayers today

[dominosarah]

I agree with worried.....cutting the ties with your supplier is very important to do.  I would also check into some sort of recovery care.  Getting clean is the easy part, staying clean is the hard part.  You can and will get thru this!!         sara

[worried878]

Good luck to you.  What could you try different this time,,,sounds like u have a plan.,,often letting ur doctor know ur intentions is a good thing.  Meetings r free and are often the key to staying clean.  Addicts resist aftercare like the plague,,but sometimes we cant do everything alone. The temptation may arise to see your doctor again...and u could end up with 120 more.  Hard thing to do ..telling him u dont want narcotics anymore..but means business when u do it.

hang tight and keep posting

[NikkiB78]

@jystneedtotalk---thank u for that. Much appreciated.

@Harper---u know what kills me!? My pm nurse told me my w/d from roxy would be less than norco (she said if I had any at all?!) due to its short half life. God I hate those people.

[DAY1]

you aint by yourself im going on 21hours from not using perc what i noticed its more of a mental thing than physical cause i done had the stomache virus and it felt worser so keep yo head high we gone get thru this together.ask god to help you thru him we can do all things.

[HarperOC]

Maybe it because the roxies are much stronger then the norcos...the roxies ive done come in 30mg pills and they are much smaller (which means less filler and more pure opiate) then the norco. So maybe the WD's will be a little less because you werent using as long or as much. It was a few weeks of Norcos rather than the long term roxy use (not to minimize norcos but i do think the roxies are more opiate and no acetominaphen and come in higher mg doses so the wd's are prob worse)

[justneedtotalk]

Hang in there.....This is a difficult process.  I was once a habitual relapser and I some how managed to find an excuse to relapse each and every time....I am here to tell you that after months of being sober I am a completely different person sober.  It takes some time away from opiates to find yourself again and you will quickly realize how much better life is sober.  I thought that I was perfectly normal when taking pills but after I was sober my wife, family, and co-workers noticed a huge difference.

Each and every time we relapse we run the risk of overdose and our detox's get worse and worse.  I tried everything....Even methadone....each time failing becaue the only way out of this thing is complete abstinance.  I was also to the point where I was tired of the 1000 detoxes and eventually worked myself into a corner where I did not think there was a way out.  I had been on this site for about a year on and off inbetween relapses.  The people here taught me that I was an addict and relapse is part of the process.  They also told me that life on the other side was wonderful and I just needed to give myself a month sober (which I never made it a complete month until this last time) and that I would see the light.....Boy were they right!!!!  It is like I found out that I won the lotto or something.  It was a tough process but I just found ways to get through each day and night and eventually I woke up, the fog cleared, and I was me again.  

I am here to tell you that if I can do it.....ANYONE CAN!!!  You can do this....You need to take a good look at your family and remember that you are not doing it for them, you are doing it for yourself....BUT....you are doing it so that you can be there physically and mentally for your family and friends.  It is not fair to put them through this and you obviously want to quit but you have to ask yourself "Am I Done???"  You know what I mean....You can tell everyone else you are done but if you do not believe it yourself or if you have doubts you WILL FAIL.  You will definitely need to get into some kind of aftercare like NA or AA.....You need support outside of your family from people that understand and that have been there themselves.....I tried to do it alone time and time again but realized that this was bigger than what I could control.  I truly wish you the best of luck and start drinking lots of water, gatorade, vitamins, and most of all protien shakes....These will help immensely and help you get through the worst parts.....We are all rooting for you and we wish you the best....God bless!

[NikkiB78]

ok....i have now resorted to the clonidine patch.  seriously the sweating and freezing can go!  if this is what its like to menopausal....god help my husband!

[overeasy]

Maybe its a positive attitude:)  Keep doing what you are doing!!  

Overeasy- day 11 just around the corner

[NikkiB78]

so i've been doing some research about wellbutrin helping opiate withdrawals.  i am almost 18 hours in...and honestly....i feel a tad anxious and lazy....and my legs are a bit sore...but NOTHING like last time!  by this hour last time i was in bed wishing i were dead.  could it be that that was from roxy's and their half life is shorter than these of norco...or is that all just a hill of beans?  i do have the sweats/chills....but i just had to turn the a/c on as it is humid as heck today, but not really hot.  so idk?  i fear the night the most....but what is going on here?  and what's more....is i dont even have a craving.

[tinabe40]

well, good luck hun. I hope you do this for you and your family. I am just at the jumping off point too. I have some tabs left bc I bought them today, but i have to quit. I take so many it's rediculous. I'm scared of the sickness bc I suffer it on and off daily without pills. I got off them once before and it was the best thing I ever done and here I am again. God help us. Take care..I'll be thinking of you.

[tgtiffany]

Hey :) Keep your head up.  You CAN and WILL do this!!!  You're freaking awesome to be doing this especially as a stay at home mom.  I"m one of an almost 2yr old and 7 months and it's hard even without going through anything like this -- so I feel for you.  But you're gonna make it and you're gonna finally be free :)  Do it for your babies :) They deserve a sober mother and father :)  You're going to be able to enjoy them to the fullest and not be numb anymore :)  Keep posting okay :) And don't forget to smile ;)  Dance around crazy with the kids  (if you can!)  it will make you smile and feel better :)

[NikkiB78]

Oh I'm just laying here thinking "god please, please let me be able to take care if my sick baby tomorrow, god please let me be able to drive my 4 yr old to dance class at 23 hours in tomorrow. God please let these w/d's teach me a lesson so I don't want to use again....but god please don't let them be my childrens burden.". I'm scared. Just scared. Being a SAHM to a 1 and 4 yr old doesn't allow me to take care of myself thru w/d's let alone care properly for them and I hate it. Out of the blue my mom offered to helP with them the next couple days cuz she's only working half days and I can't even believe the timing. She knows the situation but thinks I have been clean since the 10th so I know this is god answering prayer already.

Thanks Debbie. You're an angel. I just pasted the above from a response to Harper in her thread just to keep track of how I'm feeling and what's going on in my own thread. I can't sleep already which may be from the wellbutrin but I have no clue if that's even helping me considering how many norco I've been taking on top of it. I'm excited and scared as heck to see what tomorrow brings. Maybe the wellbutrin has been working behind the scenes and will make this time easier?  Who knows. A girl can dream right?  

[atthebeach]

hey hun,
who are we to judge? you have already condemned yourself. i am so thankful that this time your husband is onboard. last time i was worried cause he was still using. so get up dust yourself off and get busy again. "though he stumbles, he will not fall,for the LORD upholds him with HIS hand" psalm 37:24.
you have a different mindset this time. you know the mistakes you made and i hope and pray have learned from them. i am so happy that your family is going to church and asking for prayer. humbling yourself is so important. we cant do this on our own, we need support,help and much prayer.
please cut all ties to the clinic and the pills, when you see you regular doctor tell him not to give you narcotics and to put it on your chart.
we are here for you and more importantly so is the LORD, HE is your strong tower, HE is your rock and your fortress.
i am praying with you
debbie