46 y/o child

[sway1]

i was always the one with the checkbook. did all the shopping, paid all the bills, handled all the aw sh*ts. for years this worked out fine. when my oldest daughter got pregnant while still in highschool and decided to have an abortion, one that i had to pay for, i began a long downward spiral. using constantly. even if i was already high, i'd try to get higher. for some reason that experience just ripped my heart out of my chest, and i've always been pro choice. just not with MY grandchild. at some point i had our finances so screwed up and falsified trying to hide my actions, that i relinquished control of our money to my husband. he had to learn it all having never done it before. after a while all that did was give me a greater challenge at keeping up my usage. here it is many years later and i still won't take back the household financial responsibilities. i don't know how long it's gonna take me to trust myself again. it's embarrassing as hell. i would love to lighten his load, by taking it back over. maybe i'd be fine. he is willing, but i am  just not certain whether i would get triggered by it. i never want to take food off the table for drugs again. i am gonna post this now before i chicken out. so embarrassing.

[10356]

Your welcome sway.. Your words bring tears to my eyes.. The support is very humbling.. I agree.. warmly lesa

[sway1]

you bring tears to my eyes with your words of support. you let me know that i am ok. maybe more importantly, you would let me know if you thought otherwise. your honesty is humbling. thank you

[10356]

Hi Sway.. being on the fence is a difficult position as it seems we never get satisfied.. Taking back our lives and responsibility's is very empowering and in doing so you diminish the control addiction has... You have learned a lot about addiction and have grown in many ways.. You have support in place and your head is in a different spot.. I say give it a try.. I know I do all the finances in my home and when I could not.. it was very unsettling... I very sorry to read of the choice of your daughter and the effect it had on you... Knowing is half the battle.. I just wanted to add my support and to let you know the person that use to take care of all this is still here just missing the active addiction with a lil more knowledge.. I wish you well.. lesa

[sway1]

maybe i should just go for it. it's tripping me out the way it is now. i really wish the cat would stay off the mouse. every time i get on the computer  she steps on the mouse and the key pad!     seriously though. i feel like i am empowering my addiction instead of myself by putting it off. it was nice not having to have that responsibility for a while, but now i feel kind of complacent. like i am sitting on the fence or something. i am a strong woman. this is so not me. i hate being scared. especially when what i fear is me. i think i just need a smack in the head or something. just SNAP OUT OF IT!   oy!   peace. i know i need some peace. sway

[Totsie59]

Sway my heart goes out to you buddy..I guess mine didn't last long enough to go that far. My dr always gave me more...and hydro is cheap at the pharmacy..I feel like I am one of the lucky ones..I read others post and kick my on butt everyday.

[kim715]

Don't be embarrassed.Many of us did the same thing.I had more excuses for late notices coming in the mail,always trying to cover my tracks.Every month I juggled the bills deciding what had to be paid right now and what could wait another week so that I had more money to buy more pills.Eventually my husband took over too and when he found out what a mess I had us in financially,lets just say he wasn't too happy.Now I'm back to taking care of it again and things are going fine.Now that I'm not spending massive amounts of  money on pills the money is actually there to pay the bills in full and on time.

[dominosarah]

Dont be embarrassed........You will know when the time is right.  Give yourself some time.  You arent the only one who has done this.   sara

[enough170]

sway, please dont feel embarassed i know just how you feel re the money situation.  you WILL be able to do it again, why not start small and work your way up? have faith in yourself xxxx