Tired of Living this way

[BlackCloud17]

I have been addicted to painkillers for 10 years now...and I'm only 29!  I have been through withdrawls more times than I can count and even though I know it's hell, I always end up going back.  My drug of choice is Lorcet/Lortab/Norco's...pretty much whatever painkiller I can get my hands on. I take anywhere from 5 a day to my highest of 10 a day.  I have horrible anxiety from 2 near-death car accidents so everytime I quit I try to substitute the drugs for something else but my anxiety keeps me from going back to school or getting a job or doing anything.  Since I have become a stay at home mom 4 years ago the problem has only gotten worse.  I love my family and I know they deserve better but I feel like "Supermom" when I'm on them.  The mundane chores of life...laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.  is easier when I am high.  Then I get to a point where I am useless & sick and can't afford my habit so I quit but it never lasts long.  I used to be strong, outgoing, and my personality would draw people to me but now I am isolated, alone and secretive.  I have been clean for 5 days now and I feel horrible.  I feel bad for my kids cause they deserve better.  I really don't know if I can stay clean and rehab is out of the question for me since we can't afford it and I have 2 young children and a husband who needs his job.  Just when I'm on them I don't feel the emotions and I don't feel the past...I just don't want to feel.  HELP!

[throwindatowl]

Remember when? I know you do. You havent been addicted forever. Remember when life was just fine, food tasted good,you slept good,you got things done,had a sex drive,had money,nice things,a life, remember when? I am on day 3 and feel like a sack of garbage. I also am oh so proud of myself at the same time. Im getting clean, yes again. You can never just give up. I do remember a life without pain killers. It was awesome. It wasnt perfect. I remember that too. I had to really look into myself and be honest. Do you really want to quit? Or are you just broke and cant find any? I really want to quit. Its just too much to try and keep up. I miss all those things I stated above  and all the things I forgot. Ive forgot alot too. The pills have taken over my life and yours too. Wd is no fun at all. I hate it. Not as much as I hate oxys. Make a deal with yourself. Stay off them til you start remembering life and not forgetting about it. Ill do the same. Life is short im sick of wishing on day 6 or 7 or two weeks. Ill be an old man and spend alot of my life in hell. No way. Good job sister on 5 days. Thats awesome. Smile. You want your life back I know it and so do you. Go get it. A wise man once told me.'you can get over it in this life, our get ready for your next" Just get over it. It is that simple. We are the ones that make it this big ole difficult hard to do thing. Thats the drug talking not you, Remember that. Go get your life back.

[DayToTry]

A year or two ago I was having some extreme anxiety issues too.  Obssessing over a particular problem I was having where that was all I could think about.  Granted it was a problem but my thinking about 99% of the time was making it an even bigger problem.  Anyway I went to the dr and she gave me some anti depressant that really helped.  I wish I could remember what it was.  See your dr and tell him/her about the stress/anxiety and they may be able to give you something.  I only took it about 6 months till I got back under control.

Also, it takes awhile to get your energy level and motivation back but trust me it will come back.  Hang in there.  I'm at 40 days and I feel fine.  Day by day my energy came back a little at a time.

Please stick with it.  Good luck to you.  

[gnarly_1]

HI...congrats on 5 days.....we often fear the physical withdrawal more then the mental mindscrew that happens after we detox....see detoxing is only the beginning of the process of getting better
addiction will not just go away on it own ....you have to treat it as a desiese and the treatment is aftercare....both N/A and A/A are free and the 12 step programs work if you work them if that dosent quit suit you there are addiction therapist and substance abuse conslors that can help most health ins covers out pacent treatment .....you might want to consider getting professional help for that anxiety disorder linked to those accidents sound like you may have PTSD witch is treatable most addicts have many issues deep down witch need to be dealt with b/4 they will overcome there addiction ...if you are relapsing over and over there is deeper issues you can continue riding the merry go round or you can get off and face your demons...just know this life can be a beautiful place once you start living in recovery give aftercare a shot you have everything to loose...keep posting for support will walk you threw this....btw you can google N/A meetings in your area take a step in faith I promise you it will get better good luck and God bless.....Gnarly        

[The_Problem]

Ok don't worry at all because 5 days OMFG that is awesome!!! please keep it going!
I am sorry about your near deaths expierences, I bet your family is happy and thanks God that you're ok. Now its up to you to get ok ot feel ok about yourself. When you say anxiety? is it like pins and needles and sick to your stomach feeling around people? You talk about the mondane choirs of life....etc. You should ask yourself what do you like to do in life? What is fun for you? why do we do these boring *** life crap such as laundry (oh yea to look and smell yumm and clean) and dishes nobody wants to eat on a dirty dish... and cooking (thats fun for me :P) cleaning ***** and is an everyday boring *** choir yea I agree but why do we do it? just so we arent walking on crumbs and dirt and dust, so we dont got mold growing or mice taking over. So ask yourself, what is fun for you, because on top of those much needed choirs we do we need to have fun like go cart racing or mini golfing or even some xbox or wii time. If you're laughing or smiling while you're doing something chances are you're having a good time and I dont think we as a society mental notes our good times. We only notice our failures and crappy times why? I think because we don't want to make that same mistake twice. When we do something good or spectacular we don't have that shock value of when we do something bad or horrible. You must realize that your family loves you on top of you loving them. They will do anything to protect their mom/ his wife. Your body fights with your mind after you quit the pain meds. You will feel pain thats not really there (but is mentally) and physically it hurts all over but its all temporary. Your mind will tell you negative things to a point where you beleive that is you when clearly your past of being outgoing and strong proves otherwise. You should know that you are SUPER! No matter how you call it, you came on here thinking about your kids worried about your health so your kids will be able to lean on you when they need their mom. So you are much more of a supermom than you even give yourself credit for! That's even without the pain meds too so wow you are awesome! You need to talk to your husband, when you guys are in bed at night vent to him...even if he falls asleep just vent. tell him about your day and how you felt, how you're feeling at that moment, ask him what he wants for dinner or ask him if he can do the laundry next time. He will help you because thats what the foundation of love it built on. Think about all that money you will save on tryin to score your next pain meds and put that money in a jar and in a few months you can afford to do what is fun for you so you can FEEL good about yourself. You have to feel wheather its good or bad. That unconditional love you feel for your kids is a great feeling. As crappy as it sounds you have to FEEL the bad as well, we cant numb the hurt and tickle the joy with one comes the other, I think we should acknowledge the hurt learn from it and move past it as well as charish the joy embrace it and spread it all around. Just to let you know your kids don't deserve better, they deserve you! You will give them the best when you give your best, remember you are the best at everything you do so be the best! You are super! Without the pills! Believe it! Know it!

[scaredoutofmymind333]

5 days, you should be just about if not entirely be over the physical part of withdrawals. And Conrgrats, 5 days is great! The mental takes a little longer and sleep seems to take forever to return to normal. You can do everything you did before the pills, without them. you have to believe that or you will just defeat yourself. You now life can be better without them, so give it a try. The depression will calm down, remember you have numbed yourself for so long, now you will feel everything. I wish you luck and please keep posting for support

[amberrf55]

Hi, I understand how your feeling. I am a heroine addict myself. I've been clean for four months now through Suboxne treatment. I know you said that Rehab is out of the question. I've tried several times to quit on my own and have failed every time.The best advice that I can give you is that if you can't do treatment, here are some tips that I have learned that are very effective in withdrawling at home because even though I'm on Suboxone I will have to come off of it eventually and use these strategies to get through the withdrawl symptoms. You are gonna want to find someone who can watch your kids for about a week, if you can. When your symptoms start, if you can sleep, try to sleep off as much as you can at first. Than after you can't sleep anymore, get in the bathtub and make the water as hot as you can stand it and sit in it as long as you can. I know your gonna feel like you don't wanna do that so your probably gonna have to force yourself. Sit in it as long as you can. That will help reduce the goosebumps and sweats.Most importantly, NO CAFFEINE. That will make your anxiety worse. After you get out of the bathtub, do something to keep you busy, something you really enjoy doing and than when you start feeling bad get back in the bathtub. Remeber, there is no limit to how many times a day you can take a bath. It really helps. I have also learned from one of the physicians at the E.R. that if you are able to, try taking Benedryl, That will also help reduce the symptoms but make sure your not allergic to it or anything first. My physician told me that when someone is having withdrawls, alot of it is that their brain is playing tricks on them. I know it ***** and it feels like your gonna die but just keep in mind that your not. It'll also help to focus on why you want to get clean, whether it be your family or for whatever reason.I hope this helps.

                                                           Best Wishes