Trying to get clean- don't know how

[AZen]

Hi, i'm Alex and this is my first post on this or any drug forum. I'm sorry this is so long but I know I need help, I'm worried my view on suicide is too liberal, and this is my first time being so honest to anyone.

I'm a relatively well off and intelligent guy going to college and not too into getting trashed and partying every night but I've been addicted to drugs for 6 of the 20 years of my life - 4 of which were spent on opiates. It started with vicodin and tramadol and over the last 2 years it's been percs and oxy. In this last year, I tried wearing a few fentanyl patches and was on H for about two weeks - twice.

So I know its only been a couple 4 years but its a significant percent of my lifetime and i've sort of forgot how to live without drugs. Lately it's been hard to get much of anything in good amounts and I know how much this stuff affects me (the yin and the yang of the situation) so i'm really telling myself i'm going to quit. Last week I withdrawled for about 4-5 days but this weekend my brother gave me me some tramadol and darvocet and i'm questioning how ready i am to quit.

I've been using other drugs the last few years and recently to quell the withdrawls - like weed, benzos, coke - even ibuprofin - really anything i could get to make me feel better. Right now all i've got is weed but I know there are more drugs coming around soon and I don't trust myself to say no. My girlfriend who goes to a different college just broke up with me and i'm trying to deal with all that pain at the same time as the mental and physical hardships.

Last week I wrote down what i do daily now and what i'd like to do ideally on a given day. So i've started going to the gym, eating more and better food, starting to meditate and socializing more but I still have a lot of time on my hands and find myself craving. My parents don't know i do drugs - my grandfather died of an opium overdose so they cant ever know and I don't know where else to turn. My friends all do drugs of some sort - i've been to a psychologist and she didn't have much to say of use on my view on life and my girlfriend who's helped me the last year can't handle a relationship anymore so I can't let myself bother her.

I guess I'm wondering from you guys with so much more experience - can I do this? By myself?
How can I get through the depression and the losses of such important sources of support?
Any advice would be so greatly appreciated - I'm really at a crossroads in my life.

[worried878]

and congrats to u for fighting so hard!  just read ur post...it helps me posting here..reading and helping..that is good u r posting to give someone else support when u r struggling so hard..sounds like u will get this done tho!  good luck to ya

[jvette]

I'm currently FORTY ONE days clean from a VISCIOUS oxy habit. At my end I was doing between 320-400mg of Oxy a day for the last month or two of my addiction. All I can say is you CAN do this. You just have to want it enough and a key part of this is being WILLING. My best advice would be to seek out AA or NA in your area. All I can say at this point is that AA has saved my life! I really mean that. I am recovering..slowly but surely..and just in the past two months my life has made a full u-turn. Aftercare is key!

[worried878]

How can I get through the depression and the losses of such important sources of support?
After reading ur post..u just do not sound to darn happy at all...that is my take after reading..and I could be wrong...if u r happy chasing opiates//which is doubtful but possible..then only u know
for most there comes a time when the doc will turn on us..and the euphoria becomes a very dep depression and starts making us question ourselves about what exactly r we doing here?  dunno..but u may be asking urself this?

Most of this is upstairs...the aftermath//the mental part/depression and fatigue can linger for a while..u didnt state ur dose but sounds as if u go up and down and switch DOCs? Most relapse due to this part//not the physical wds...that is why aftercare is crucial for many..AA has a saying..90 meetings in 90 days...there is a reason for this as it is the approximate time for the brain to heal for many addicts...DOC/length of use and daily dose also plays a part

Exercise rox!  produces those endorphins u need during recovery....the thomas recipe in the health pages also helped me tons...tyrosine ended up giving me the nrg to MOVE...MOVING is so important when u feel like doing nuttin...it helps alot

The first major thing that is important is WANTING this//to be clean..u gotta want it..if u r not sure//then u may not be sick and tired of being sick and tired...maybe not yet but u r pondering it or u would not be here...questioning urself and ur abuse are the first stages in getting where u need to be to LET GO......u r 20 yrs old?  this stuff doesnt get better///this crud only gets worse..Leting go is tough..but when u r ready u will let go.. u need to have a PLAN...and u may relapse..once..twice..or even more...but u pick urself up and brush urself off..and then move forward again..always remembering where u dont wanna go..ever, ever again...this is really not curable..only hard work and staying on our path keeps us clean...finding the strength inside of urself and the support outside of urself to stay on track

read thru the health pages..under DISCUSSION at the left of the screen...great info there...keep posting

[nikole65]

Hi welcome I'm on day 3of wds from up2 a 250milg Vic habit it's rough but it's worth it I'm not out of the woods yet but I have relapsed a few times in these last couple weeks and now I'm back please stay and talk to us we are and have been where u are at.u r taking the first step and one of the most important steps in recovery.please u are young ur body can bounce back from this noone knws about my addiction except the folks on medhelp they are angels and are here to help if u need to talk mesg me computer hugs to ya

[10356]

Welcome to the forum.. the cross roads you are at sure does not offer much of a choice. 1 leads to your Freedom and a better life and the other leads to your destruction and everybody knowing.. In a college town there are a lot of AA NA programs also volunteer work. Congrats on the 4 or 5 days of recovery I know how difficult it is and only hope you are willing to try again.. as far as your Brother giving you meds You have to be honest with him. I had to with my sister she parties but respects me enough to keep it away from me.. You have to really want to get clean. change who you hang with even change schools if you have to.. addiction leads to nothing but our demise in the most agonizing slow way of striping one of all self worth and shredding or lives or in a sec with a od this is all active addiction offers.. stay read and ask questions You can take you life back.. lesa