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Ughh the Holidays!
Not sure this is a question but more of a don't know, thinking ahead i call it. So Halloween is here and almost over, and holla i am clean, and its been years too many to remember since i was last clean. Ok not a biggie really, my challenge comes with Thanksgiving and Christmas, and i can honestly say i had not been clean for the holiday's in over 15 years and that is so very sad but true. The Holidays's is a time where i just cant handle the pressure of all the cooking, getting the best gifts, dealing with extended family i do not want to see and the list just goes on. I do not have ANY pleasant memories of the holiday's as a kid so my way of dealing with it all was to just take a pill here and there and more and more. Actually, last year i was clean for Thanksgiving and Christmas and i was not in a good place and mentally i was relapsing and i did on New years, what a jerk i was, as thats when i was 10 months clean an i just blew it. As the season approaches, my anxiety level increases, my triggers are in full force, and i already dreading the season. So i did make it through Christmas but big deal i failed on NEw years and i honestly knew it was going to happen, i was working it hard and i won, i was a complete moron and stole my mother in laws pills just to feed my addiction. I am still not over that, i hate that i did that and that i scooped that low, but i did and i paid for it too. I actually came clean to my shrink and my hubby but obviously i came clean here first and all has helped and guided me to tell hubby. I listened and turned my life around and got back on the sobriety train and have been ever since, but i am so fearful of the up coming season. Getting through the holidays is just so trying and i hate that i feel this way as i have two precious girls that want there mommy, my girls noticed that mommy wasn't right last year, and they were correct, i was actually straight, but remember i was slipping fast. I was bored, my kids were bored i just couldn't wait for it to be over and take down all the decor and get the days over with and bring on February, i know terrible right? What in the world am i going to do different this time? I want to enjoy Christmas with my beautiful hubby and my 2 girls but its work for me, i am not making excuses but its not natural for me to get all excited like they get, my family loves it, and i am the downer:-( I hate that about me, among other things. All i can do is try and keep on trying but i did that last year, and i was not any fun, i barly made it as New years came and i took every opportunity to make sure i could get those pills from my mother in law, Ughhh, so now i just hope and pray that i am stronger and wiser this time and not screw up again! IIS the season over yet????
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Good post Dana. Back when I finally decided to put the plug in the jug and get clean, I logging onto this site just as someone on here wrote: "today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday". All we need to do is get to bed tonight safe and sound, clean and serene Dana. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
I do not do Holidays anymore. I wait until the last moment and might get my Hub and some of my Family a gift..Christmas has been hard for me since the 80s becasue of my Lil brother dieing on that day by sliding down a ice up hill and hitting a pine tree..I still DO get really spiritual during this time because that is what it is about. The Thanksgiving is easy becasue it is just my Hub and I..
I would just have them ALL pitch in a help for sure..BUT I like the idea of you taking the Family and going on a Vacation..That would be so less stressful on you and ALL of you could just chill a bit.
It seems like for most people do really get depressed around these times. This is when we need to hit the Churches more often..Hey there is always so many Churches that do Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners..I went last year when I was so sick in detox and then hit the meetings. It was so up lifting to be at the Churches. Well whatever you do, do not do it alone..Have them all pitch in..Have the kids do the tree..That is a kid thing. Also have them wrap all the Gifts. You can also just do it with just the Family..Tell the others it is Family night with just your Family..Tell them it has been a while since you guys did this alone. If they do not like it, then there true colors will show..Right!! YOU come first right now..Your life depends on it. I wish you the best Dane..lol
Bless
I would just have them ALL pitch in a help for sure..BUT I like the idea of you taking the Family and going on a Vacation..That would be so less stressful on you and ALL of you could just chill a bit.
It seems like for most people do really get depressed around these times. This is when we need to hit the Churches more often..Hey there is always so many Churches that do Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners..I went last year when I was so sick in detox and then hit the meetings. It was so up lifting to be at the Churches. Well whatever you do, do not do it alone..Have them all pitch in..Have the kids do the tree..That is a kid thing. Also have them wrap all the Gifts. You can also just do it with just the Family..Tell the others it is Family night with just your Family..Tell them it has been a while since you guys did this alone. If they do not like it, then there true colors will show..Right!! YOU come first right now..Your life depends on it. I wish you the best Dane..lol
Bless
Thanks Ricart! I know your right, just going through crazy craving period and i know its because the holidays are around the corner and i have to tell ya, the holidays stress me out to the max! I need to get my act together so i do not do what i did last year on New years! Last year i knew and felt that i was falling weak but never reached out, i thought i was stronger than the BEAST...Bhhhaaa laugh on me, at least i learned i am not even close to being stronger than the enemy. Oh and i love this Ric," Don't let this over-commercialized season of manufactured happiness get you down my friend." OMG you are so right, thats for the eye opener.
Wow u have so much responsibility on your shoulders!! My advice- screw it all, take the money u planned on gifts, and take a family vacation (all inclusive!!) With just ur family. Your girls n hubby will be so excited. We did that last yr n it was AMAZING. go to Mexico/Bahamas and lie on the beach n eat everything in sight. All the holidays are usually done at my place too, I go up n beyond. But I asked myself why??? I should enjoy it too!!! Plus it's harder to relapse when ur somewhere else. Who cares if ur extended family will be mad? Let them pick another house to go too!!
If u can't do that idea, hire a cook fir the day, it's really not that expensive. I do it when I have parties etc n not worrying about food makes u enjoy yourself so much!!
If u can't do that idea, hire a cook fir the day, it's really not that expensive. I do it when I have parties etc n not worrying about food makes u enjoy yourself so much!!
On the more practical side,if you are insistent on doing all of everything they are wanting and expecting of you then you could always prepare and/or cook the more labor intensive dishes ahead of time and freeze them for easy reheating at the appropriate time. You could also start shopping for the gifts now also and start planning out everything and making a list of things you need to do .
I can totally relate to the stress of the holidays; I think we all can. I don't have many fond memories either. I'm just not a holiday person. If it weren't for my daughter, I wouldn't celebrate at all.
I think you got some good advice on delegating and not taking on too much responsibility. Last year I was so strung out, I didn't do half the stuff I planned on doing. I pretty much bailed on everything I didn't have to do and I think it's ok. I always seem to overcommit and then I'm too exhausted to enjoy everything.
Now I'm just focusing on getting through things one day at a time. That's as much as I can handle.
Stay strong, know we are here for you. This site and support have become my life line and I'm so grateful.
I think you got some good advice on delegating and not taking on too much responsibility. Last year I was so strung out, I didn't do half the stuff I planned on doing. I pretty much bailed on everything I didn't have to do and I think it's ok. I always seem to overcommit and then I'm too exhausted to enjoy everything.
Now I'm just focusing on getting through things one day at a time. That's as much as I can handle.
Stay strong, know we are here for you. This site and support have become my life line and I'm so grateful.
That's what I think!! what Ms said ! I guess the days where the children don't dictate what the parent is supposed to do are gone. You have not failed until you have failed . Plan to succeed my friend. Don't let this over-commercialized season of manufactured happiness get you down my friend. It is not worth it .I am sure you will do better than last year and they should be grateful for that
OH sweet Connie, you make perfect sense but my family has allot of expectations of me for some odd reason and it really does stink. And i do feel so alone in all of this, as nobody understands addiction outside of MH, and that pi$$es me off. Connie, as usually, you are completely on point with all of this! MY hubby and the kids love the saying the more the merrier! Since i live in NC and family is in NY i have family coming in to stay with me one who is a HUGE trigger my on Dad, and i have allot of friends with families who do not have family so i invite all, and its so nice to have a house full of people enjoying the day, the work involved is what gets to me, between cooking and setting up and all that jazz, i know its not a big deal, but sober it sure is, i managed to get through it last year but crap i only lasted until New years eve and BAM i was off in the bathroom getting high, i DO NOT WANT A REPEAT PERFORMANCE!!!! Hence why i am here now. Connie, as for sharing with my hubby, girl, he just doesn't get it one bit!!! He is straight, he loves me, supports me, but will NEVER GET ME, does that make any sense? He thinks of me as i am normal mom with some childhood BS and thats it, he cant fathom the fact that his wife suffered/suffers, is an addict and all of that crap, he puts in under the pillows and never brings it up, he sees me as his strong wife and i am the complete opposite, so its really difficult to have those heart to heart conversations as he just does not get it. Thanks for helping, i just need to slow down and focus on tomorrow and not get in a tizzy about the holidays, its just so hard when the malls are filled with holiday cheer already!!!!!
Delegate, delegate, delegate! Put your foot down! You are not Superwoman and you deserve a Christmas too! You are not Santa Claus!
Hi Dane, I'm so sorry to hear your story of last years holiday debacle. 10 months is such a long way to come. It really scared me because I can relate so much to your feelings about the holidays. It comes from the bad memories. Given the opportunity, I could totally see myself doing that. It could happen to anyone. Dane and Clean gave you excellent advice. I think you will still be clean in January because you stopped to ask "what can I do differently" Clean nailed it. New traditions.
Hey Buddy, your funny, i did do the half aZZ approach last year, and man did i get so much $H!T for it as well. I just didn't have the super powers the opiates gave me and i was so burnt out and tired, and believe me i heard it, why didn't you make this? why didn't we have a sit down in the dinning room? BLAH BLAH BLAH i got the crap ten fold, because in the past i was super women and was able to get it all done, high of course, but who knew i was off my rocker none, not a soul knew i had a problem everyone just thought i was literally superwomen and i can get it all done, since last year i was straight, i cut some or i should say allot of corners just to get thorough the day/night. And i would get the pressure of why didn't you cook this and that!!! IT about made steam come out from my nose..LOL I am getting wiser as i know my weak spots and the holidays are for sure my enemy and i already feel i am failing:-(
Connie, said pretty much what I was thinking as well. Maybe it is time to make some new traditions that are just your family's. Give yourself permission to not have everything "perfect". There is no such thing, anyway. This year perfect is that you stay clean and sober. You CAN do it! Love you and try to give yourself a break this year.
Hey Dane ! Good post Try to put up some road blocks so you can't get the pills on the holidays and also ,regarding the Holiday season, Just do what I do and Half -*** it .Noone will probably know the difference .Their happiness is probably coming from their love of the holiday season more than it is coming from what You buy or cook for them anyway . It's good that you are thinking so far ahead on this matter. That tells me that You are certainly getting wiser my friend ;)
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Anyhoo....I'm just gonna throw out some thoughts and suggestions I had after reading what you just wrote this year, K?
It seems like not having ANY good memories yourself as a child from these holidays may have, at one time, caused you to really "kick it up a notch" for your own family. Wanting to be sure you made good memories for them since you didn't have any, huh? You did make it thru the past 15 yrs of holidays with some good memories in your own family but haven't done it any other way but "drug assisted" right?
Is is possible that the "must have's" and the "must do's" that are in your head aren't really MUSTS for your hubby and girls? What do you think about talking to them and asking them what particular details, decor, events, food, etc. make the holidays special FOR THEM? It could be that what you "put on yourself" isn't even what your family really wants or needs to make the holidays special for them. At least if you talked as a family...it would begin a new tradition of sharing....of bonding all 4 of you by telling each other what different things "light their fire" if you will....LOL Maybe by not repeating "what you have always done", it would help begin things "anew". New traditions clean and sober....and maybe not do AS MUCH....but just what they share is important to making it special.
I know for me, there were things "I always used to do" that I don't do anymore.....for lots of different reasons. And the family sharing time would give you some insight into each other's hearts as well about what makes each holiday tradition special.
Also, it seems SUPER important to lay your feelings out with your hubby this year. I mean, talking to him about some of the things you shared with us above....and things you wouldn't necessarily want to bounce off your girls. He needs a "look into your soul" that talking to him would give...and by communicating your struggles.....he will be able to help and understand in ways you may not give him credit for just now.
Ok...I'll quit ramblin.....but maybe doing the "whole deal" different is just what the "family ordered"....eh?
(((HUGS)))) Dana,
Connie