Wife out of control

[carmedic310]

My wife has been in out patient drug rehab for going on 3 years now.The whole time using here and there.At the end of march she was snorting vicoden(her drug of choice)while on methadone.She left for rehab one day supposed to return about 11:am never came back.Gone 2 months.I filed for divorce shehas done this many times over the years but not for this long a time.I find out this time shes at a homeless shelter.She filed a protection from abuse order on me.thank god the judge saw rite thru it and wouldnt grant it.long story short my son took his daughter to the shelter to see her for mothers day she wound up coming home.She stayed 3 weeks changed back from methadone to suboxone.Told me all the things I wanted to hear.then bam gone again.She actually believes she is verbaly abused.I have not had any problems with her unless shes high and its not abuse just concern that shes using again.She has hr councelor at the rehab and the councelors at the shelter snowed big time thinking this poor girl.Fact is I love this woman been together for 30 years.She hasbeen gone this time for a month and a half refuses to talk to me or my kids and grandkids.My son had a seizure had to go by ambulance to the hospital I called her took 3 times before she gt on the phone to tell me shecant leave she would call the hospital later.She hast called my son to see how he is.Hasn't called any of my kids at all.Is this a done deal?how can she not care at all.Shes using the system to try to get sec8 housing.she knows how to play the system.She hasnt even contacted me to get her things after countless messages and a few letters to do so.please help Im going nuts tryint to help.Im fully aware it has to be her decision.Just dont understand everything I know especially being able to pull the wool over drug councelors eyes even after drug testing.this is not just a Dr office outpatient it a regular drug rehab and psyc hospital.You would think after the years of lieing,cheating,running,selling most of what we have or trading it for drugs Id be over her.But like I said I love her

[Gemini524]

hmm, the link didnt post...one more attempt for soberrecovery link...

ww.*****************

add a "w" at beginning of link

[Gemini524]

Ive been on both sides of the addiction problem. What I can relate to you is this, the feeling of having your heart ripped out by your estranged spouse is close to the feeling she gets when she doesn't have what her body craves. Dr's have shown that the "love signals" that are related to the endorphins released in the brain from being in love, are close to the endorphins that opiods produce. She sounds like she`s in huge denial of her situation. Love is very powerful to combat addictions with, but sometimes its not enough. What you have to realize ,and, what I had the worst time coping with is, I was powerless to "fix" her. I used to drive myself insane by hyper focusing on my addicted spouse. Thinking small things could emotionally tug at her for her to see the light. I would wrote letters, send pics of the kids to her, have the kids say emotional phrases to her, get her dealers busted...etc, all in the hopes that it could help. When I was doing all that...I lost myself. I forgot who I was and forgot that I had dignity. The suggestion of attending an al-anon meeting is great. There also is support groups on the web for al-anon too. Right now, she cant make you happy, focus on how you can make yourself happy without her. Dont expect her to be able to be there for the children either, she can barely take care of herself,so she is unable to take care of anybody else. I always explained to the kids when they were younger that mom was sick and needed some time away. It hurt when they would ask about her and I really didn't know where she was, but as time went on, I healed and, as I healed, the kids and I formed a new bond that gave my life new purpose. I would like to hear how things go for you down the road. This is a long healing process for you.I still am healing myself after my wife and I separated and I moved on with my life and started dating a girl who I fell for who later had addiction problems of her own. I watched her do the same fall as your estranged spouse has done. Its such an ego blow that its hard to see sanity or believe that theres still honesty and goodness left in this world..but there is. If you need any support or just need to vent...feel free to send me a message.

Al-anons website- http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

another good site for reading and support is SoberRecovery, in the forums you can find support under "friends and families"
http://www.*****************

[Htownnofrown]

I think you and your family have to get on a unified front against the addict. You ever watch the TV show Intervention? Something like that seems very appropriate for this situation. You have to get better even if she doesn't, she's ruining your life and your family's solidarity by not being there. You need to realize that life will go on no matter what she decides, the sun will still rise tomorrow if she doesn't come home. You have to be able to get some separation if necessary. I'd strongly suggest you attend some AL-Anon meetings, it's for people like you who have a loved one who is addicted.

Good luck to you and we are here for you!

[jennifer1222]

Hey you know i just want to let you know a thing you about addicts i have been on all kinds of drugs in my life if you really love her i mean you really love her you should be there for her and not telling her when she is there stop doing drugs or else!!!!! I will tell you that makes us want to run run far away from you. If you just told her hey if you just come home whether clean or not and that you dont care see how different she will act i know you dont understand but i am telling you i have been on both sides of the fence. I have been off pills for 8 days now i know my husband hated the fact that i was on them he never told me i need to stop or else but i did cause i knew i was hurting a man that did nothing for me but care and love me. I stopped and have no reason to take them again i know i am thankfull that he was there threw thick or thin just like the vows you and her took.
Good luck to you both i hope you know that really the only person that can truly help her is herself and you have no say at all and the sooner you get that the better.

[rafecu]

As an addict, i feel for you. I know the confusing and powerlessness you must feel. The best thing i can suggest to you is what someone else said. Protect and take care of yourself. You get some counseling and if the family needs it have them get it.

[stilltrying1965]

Hey bud love is more powerful than drugs your wife loves you but has to beat her addiction to love again. When she dissapears she does not mean to hurt or lie to you. Its the nature of a drug addict. I really feel for you my friend. One day she will see theman she fell in love with or shewill seethedrugs Thechoice is easy for your wife drugs or her man and family. Im sure when it comes to the crunch she will know doubt pick her family. Drugs let us numb the bad feelings we have and your wife must have bad feelings so she numbs them with drugs she feels likeshehas let her family down so she numbs her feelings of guilt with drugs, its easier to do than to face the trth I wish you and your family all the luck in the world.,,,,,James A heroin addict clean for 140 days it can be done if your wife wants it bad enough !!!

[el_em_en_oh]

I can't relate to being on your side of the fence, as I was on your wife's side of the fence, but I can sympathize with your situation.

My heart goes out to you, Brother.

*I lurk in the 'Relationships Community', and the people there could probably add a lot to what people here have said. Throw it out there and see what the folks there have to say.

[lmccoy]

It may be best to just carry on on your own. You have invested alot of time and effort in something you have zero control over. Hope you can find something that will make you happy. When I have been forced to do something I really didn't want to in the past I learned to try to find something I never would have been able to do if what I really wanted was happening. Lots of times it helps you make the most of a bad situation. Wishing you the best.

[carmedic310]

As far as I know shes not using heroin.She never has in the past.Her drug of choice was snorting vicoden.Or Atavan.She has tried cocaine in the past she said.But she uses what she can get from prescriptions as she only has to pay a 3.00 copay.She is no longer at the shelter so she must have got her section 8 housing.I dont want to but guess its time to just give up on her as I dont think i will hear from her.And even if i do How can I be sure shes not just gonna blow smoke up my A@# and this visious cycle starts again.It is very sad I feel like my heart has been pulled from my chest.I just cant understand how she can justify to herself that shes been physicly or verbaly abused.I gave this woman everything and never ever raised a hand to her.Mayby some day she will see she pissed away the best things in life but I cant just sit here wondering if that day will or will not come

[Downey]

Love and drug addiction are both hard to explain. I'm very sorry to hear that you have been with her for 30 years and it has maybe come to an end. I appreciate what you have done and what you have been thru.  

Good Luck
Downey