28 days

[bama88]

I can't believe i made it this far. i can't believe i. made it thru yesterday. my knee replacement decided to show me a new nasty trick....it decided to get stuck...like my whole leg was in a bucket of cement....then my other knee...well the kee decided to join the other....and my ankle swelled up. i took my shoes off and had to wear slippers at work...hmmm...

So i called the doctor. and he wants to see me asap. i don't want to see him...first Im scared ill walk out with pills.....or another surg. so i don't know....i want a scooter . but i know i won't ever use it. i don't even use my cane. too vain.

And this morning Im still clunky feeling...and swollen. i took some tordal ...it helps. but ya know what i really want.

My mind heart and soul says no no pills...they lead me down dark lonely roads. and i have felt so good mentally. last week flew by. time files by now.

I can't do another surg. i don't have the strength. my bodies wore out. takes more and more out of me. and i get worse and worse with the pills....so Im gonna see what's wrong with the replacement....moms coming with me. so i won't get pills. i begged her no pills....

For all of us that pain is real. a very real part of our lives topped off by addiction...we battle two fronts at the same time. we battle the call of relief. and the horror of pain. I made a choice. i decided i could walk around in a hazed out stupor for the rest of my life....or to finally wake up from a foggy nightmare where i never remembered anything.....that's not living....or to say....well work with what you've got.

I can justify pills by saying they are needed to walk. to function. but i don't function. i don't really live....even my eyesite changes on pills. my hearing. everything changes on narcotics...and everything changes off them.

This is a challenge i have to come to terms with the rest of my life......pills....or pain. i choose pain. sounds sick and sad when i say that. but i like myself off of pills. i like laughing. remembering. Smiling. doing things other that nodding off all day. we all have choices to make. my dad used to tell me i have a thousand choices to make everyday every situation....every moment....what do i choose??  i head that line so much....me and my sayings...

I just wanted to talk a minute....give some hope and encouragement to everyone still struggling. we must choose a different way of life. a different way off thinking.

When i burned thru a months supply of oxie 60 mgs in less than a week. i knew i could never ever control pills no matter how hard i try. so why even go there again?? i know what will happen. and insanity is doing the same thing with no different outcome. or something like that...and i don't want to be insane...

Please please please please.....don't let some little pill rule your life.....my mom lost 30 years to alcohol i lost eight to pills....when i see my 20 year old son and think of all the memories i don't have...the ones he has. and the ones i can't make up for....then look at my 13 year old and want to make everyday memories...its enough to keep me rolling.

I can't ever turn back time....i can't dwell on the guilt. now i do something every day or weekend i can....two weeks ago i went to six flags...this past Sunday an air show...that's living.

And the great part is all my kids and friends are patient with me when we go out. if i sit on a park bench nobodies mad or disappointed. everyone says they are glad to see the old bama back. glad. i look better...i look healthier. all positives....so please stay the course.

If i can. you can. also if your new to recovery...you've got to get support. must have aftercare ....this is a real disease. and when we finally wrap our heads around that. that's when the real healing begins.

i am an addict that chooses not to use today. not to get high today. i promise no more than that.....

[bama88]

When it sunk in my thick stubborn head. that i have something to offer this world. even if it is addiction. It helps keep me clean.

When it sunk in my head that i could and prob. will od at the rate i was going. i got scared. i was scared of withdraws and pain and living pill free. but when i looked at what life was going to be continuing to use and abuse....well there were no positives there. just a dark place

We only get one life. one chance to go around this world. and how do you want to do it?? high and numb running away from things and never resolving anything?? or get clean and sober and some self love. what legacy do you want to leave behind??  go out like Whitney?? she had such a wonderful gift. such talent. we all wanted her back. and look how she went out!! naked in a tub of water accidents happen to addicts. or to be remembered as a come back kid??

Im not picking on Whitney. i loved her voice and talent. praying she made a strong come back. we all can learn from her. we are the same as her.

So how do you want to be remembered

[minn66]

Hey bama, great to see your post! I know what you mean about your mind feeling young and the body saying, "Uh-uh!" ;)

[bama88]

Sara you sly little one. you work at my favorite place.....dairy queen. yum banna spilts they are my favorite.

Yes Im in aftercare. i am a life long member. i always go as much as i can....and therapy sessions.

Yes Im still in therapy. i get to graduate from p.t. this week. those guys are amazed at me. i am also in the water. i swim three times a week. and am gonna start water aerobics ...we've got a facility called lakeshore ally goes there. and when i told about my knees. i got in too. its an awesome place for handicap or replacement people. or anyone with cronic pain. my problem is i do too much. my mind and attitude thinks Im 25. my knees tell me Im 80. this is what Im really fighting. learning how to live with a disability. does that make sense??

[dominosarah]

You are right, today you made the choice not to use.  What a great choice you made.  Be proud of small accomplishments~~

Are you still going to your aftercare?  Any physical therapy?

[IwillDoThis]

Bama - words of wisdom as always.  Living with pain and addiction is a tricky road.   I'm so sorry you are in pain, I'm constantly seeking out new ways to control it, manage it and live with it.  I cannot imagine the strength it takes to deal with surgery pain free of pills.  Keep fighting Bama!