Lower than Low

[silvertstrum]

Having been in the music business for so many years, cocaine was/is freely available even though it's now mixed with with more chemicals than I can comfortably shake a stick at!
I have not had a problem with it until recently and now I'm hitting the big 50 I want to stop. My recent marriage separation/breakdown came with a lot of stress. Being married didn't suit me so yes, I took cocaine while married and tried to keep it secret but I kept it under control.Now I'm a freebird I don't have the constraints of marriage except for seeing my teenage children every other weekend. My life has no direction at the moment and I suppose I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself so I am immersing myself in a make believe world where cocaine is my ruler.
It has been easy to ring a number of dealers and score. In fact, now I look back on it I haven't had a 'clean' weekend for over three months.
The turning point was last weekend when I had my youngest daughter stay over and I still took the stuff knowing full well that I was driving and she was my in my care. This is the first, last and only time this will happen except my friends noticed and now (quite rightly) refuse to talk to me. It is a rude awakening and one that fills me with despair, regret, and more importantly remorse.
I have found it hard this week to deal with the fact that my phone has gone quiet and that people I love are ignoring me. It is this low point that is making me want to pick up the phone and ring my dealer with the knowledge that I could feel better in fifteen minutes. However, the experience I have just had is stopping me but the monkey on my back is getting louder. I was very arrogant believing that I could fool people but now that I've been caught out I am at a low ebb. It is a painful lesson that someone at my age should know better. But what is done is done and I need to change.
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. -(
Does anyone have any advice for me?

[dominosarah]

Welcome to the forum~

You have already been given good advice.  You have done well by seeing this is a problem.  We have to change our playground and playmates to be successful.  Changing your phone # is also something that you should do.  We talk alot on here about aftercare.  We have to get to the bottom of what is driving us to want that numb feeling.  Recovery is hard work but not as hard as chasing that high.  Think about what we have told you.  You are in the drivers seat~

[elatedexaddict13]

I know it sounds like there is going to be a lot to do, but you have surpassed the first step in admitting there is an underlying problem, and YES, it is going to be a lot of work, I think you will be just fine. I agree with all that have posted above and it can be extremely overwhelming to get started but just know you are over it and want to get help. That's where we all started and just started counting days since!!!  I "lost" my old phone when I surrendered and got a new number. Also, I have a wonderful counselor (that I pay money for, but it's still WAY less than my daily habit costs from back then) and attend meetings to be around like-minded individuals. This is a great start and not that tough. I think a lot of people find it hard to just jump because of the unknown... of what to do next. Keep coming back to your post and let everyone know how your doing and ask for advice on anything... you WILL get answers!!! Good luck- we're all pulling for you!!

[digger1976]

If I am reading into this correctly, the people who are ignoring you are clean friends and family. They are trying to teach you a lesson and will come around fairly quickly once you show them you will never do it again and get some support. Being open and honest is very important, some people believe that only taking it on weekends isn't addiction, it so is, if you need to take it then that's addiction, you might not be physically addicted but mentally. Feel like the days go easier for you when you have some, It has become a crutch for you. Its obvious you have come to that point of knowing you have to start doing something about it so well done in that regard. But now is the time you have to be strong and push yourself not to use again. Your problem is going to be your friends that still use, and I would bet money there are a lot of them, especially in your field. I would like to say stay away from them all, but is that realistic for you? If not this is going to be a real hard one for you. You will have to be stubborn towards them when its in your face and be very selfish, tell them to take it somewhere out of site, explain to them how you feel. Be honest!

I would suggest getting a good counsellor for some outside advice on how to deal with the pull. Read and study all you can about addiction, just understanding why you THINK you need it will help you out loads. Just be honest with everyone is my biggest tip though. You will find loads of support once you admit your problem. Hoping you can find the strength to say no and keep away from it, I will be praying for you my friend.

[VICourageous]

Hi, I am sorry no one caught this for 4 hours but it was most likely very slow.
I would like to welcome you and you did come to a great place. We can share our experience with you and how we avoid these Triggers Now. I too am a long time user for most of my life. I am 57 so that has been awhile. Other people will chime in and tell you what things to use if you are going to have a w/ds. I am going to move ahead and tell you that fighting the demons to use is no fun. You have to set up Boundaries for yourself. This means you can not go around your old stomping grounds or people, places and things. I know you said you are a musician and that is a real hard one on you. I know!!  You will have to cut your sources and TELL ALL your secret and that you do not want this and you are trying to get help. Try to get some out side Support by going to some meetings and also from Family and Friends. We can NOT do it alone. When you go and play music this is going to be a Big Trigger so you will have to be stronger then the average bear. I would like you to look up the "Disease of Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway" Beyond Willpower. This will give you some insite on how this disease works and to show you that we need Support. Meanwhile stick around for others to share. And please stop doing the Coke that is made these Days it really can put hole in the Brain. It messes up alot of Receptors/Transmitter and also other organs in the body. I wish you the best and make sure you keep checking your Post!
Bless
vickie

[weaver71]

I know how you feel, though it was over a year ago, but I remember very clearly. I wasn't sure I could heal, wasn't sure I deserved to. The thing that has quieted the monkey on my back has been addiction therapy, and daily 12 step meetings. You need to get rid of those sources, either erase the numbers in your phone, and/or make it clear that they are not to ever give you any, even if you ask. Set yourself up so success is the only option. Telling your secret is the other thing, but you were caught in the act. Tell those people that you hurt that you are sorry and need help and get some. Go to NA meetings. You are out of control, a monkey is controlling you, it's hard to just quit. 12 step meetings surround you with people who have been through it and are happy now. My friends were very happy to hear I was going. It's funny, the people I hung out with don't use my drug of choice, opiates. They knew something was wrong with me, but there was nothing anyone could do, I had to do the work. Other than those things, try to eat real clean, avoid lots of sugars, especially simple sugars like corn syrup and processed foods.  Also, avoid caffeine or any stimulants. I imagine it's hard to get motivated sometimes. Take vitamins and eat whole grain, fresh veggies, and drink lots of water. Then, try to get fresh air and exercise, that helps kick start your natural brain chemistry, and natural energy. It will get easier, but most of us can't just stop, we have to get more support and accountability as well. I'm glad you realized your problem before you lost something you couldn't work to get back, like your life or child. You can do this, give it all you have, it will be worth it.