Well, I've blown it

[misterkangfish]

I was on 80 mgs of methadone for somewhere between 2 and 3 years. I tapered down 5 mgs every 2 weeks till I got to 5 (too fast I've learned) stayed there a week and stopped. I thought I'd gotten lucky then I went into w/ds after 5 days. Didn't feel like the taper did any good. I've also learned that to have made any difference I needed to get to at least under 3 mgs. The clinic I was going to didn't dose under 5 mgs and I had to take it there. The Dr. there told me I would only have "a little discomfort" from 5 mgs. He couldn't have been more wrong. Anyway after taking a beating from the w/ds for 5 weeks or so I got weak. I'm a self employed screenprinter and musician and I was broke and had to do something to get back to work and honestly I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore but was determined not to go back to methadone. The clinic Dr. wouldn't help me 'cause I wasn't in his program anymore. I tried a lot of vitamins and supplements and didn't seem to be getting any better. My last dose was May 15th and a week or so ago I took a little hydrocodone. Half of a 7.5 would get the jones off enough that I could function. Then half of the remaining half mid afternoon and the other half a half in the evening. I thought this would make it easier to stop but when I go a full day without it the next day I seem to be right about back where I started. I don't know what to do next. My wife doesn't know my little secret and it would break her heart to tell her. She has been very good about putting up with my w/ds and doesn't hassle me about it. Even when I take something to feel a little better I have to act still sick around her and let her think I'm just pushing and forcing myself to do anything. I don't have a regular Dr. and no Ins. and now because of my addictions and not working much I don't have any money left. Don't know really why I posted this except maybe to tell someone. I feel stuck, trapped and desperate. My apologies to all who held me up through the first couple of weeks or so. Thanks for "listening". Peace - John

[misterkangfish]

Hi. I got up this a.m. after another long sleepless night and took half of a 7.5 hydro. Gonna hold off as long as I can to take a little more. I'm praying that I can hold off till late this evening because I've got something I have to do tonight. Wish me luck (or break a leg as it's said in the entertainment business). Peace - John

[kim715]

Sent you a pm.

[worried878]

seems as if u do not jump off now it could trn into a viscious ccle...dont know...but keep posting...if u r stabilized at 10 mg or less of hydro a day...u could jump off without much discomfort....there is just never a good time for this

[misterkangfish]

Thanks for such prompt and caring replies. No I'm not back on methadone I got a few hydros. I was on methadone from the streets before I went to the clinic. Seemed to be the answer. Go to the clinic then taper off but ended up being ther much longer than I really wanted. My intention was to go to the clinic so I didn't have to scrounge on the street for it then begin right away to star tapering off but they really discouraged that saying that I needed to get stableized for a while then think about tapering off. I've been on a lot of different opiates over the years and was somehow able to quit but the meth and maybe because of my age now (57) and hep. C I can't seem to make much progress. I know I did get better 'cause I really felt like I was gonna die for the first couple of weeks (I was barely able to even dress myself) but after so long with no further improvement and no sleep I got too weak minded to fight anymore. I've been able to hold myself to 7.5 to maybe 10 mgs a day of hydro and thought it would be easier to quit from there if I can keep the disapline, disepline (can't spell it) to take no more than that and so far I've been able to but right now I don't have enough for a proper taper so I guess it'll have to be clod turkey eventually unless I can find more. Seems like when I didn't need it it was every where! Thanks again - John

[worried878]

but u r trying!

[Id_Complex]

Be honest with your wife man.   It will be easier for her to accept the fact that you broke down for whatever reason.  But it will hurt her even more if she finds out you are lying to her about it.  Other than that I've had a breakdown myself and only after 20 or so hours without a pill i broke down and bought one, so I'm not really in any position to give you advice on the whole drug thing I guess.  

[worried878]

I have a friend who did the clinic and would actually spit it out when she tried to taper off...just do a partial dose..methadone clinics do not seem to be 'clean" friendly but more maintenance oriented...my son worked at one for a while...then i see the sub and the doctors also tend to want u to stay on it 2 years due to statistics...perhaps to change ur life and be able to stay clean...this is the answer...and then i think...is there an answer? i think it is 99% upstairs,,,so u r on hydro again?  perhaps u need to go from there....and taper/ct and do it without subsidary narcotic help...i will be honest...i just dont know anymore...i see people get on sub..never see them get off...see people get on methadone and have he!! getting off...it is just not easy whatever the choice...aftercare is so important to recovery as there just is not a quick fix it seems...good luck and keep posting

[sadinmichigan]

John- I am really sorry to hear about this..I know what a horrible struggle it is..I wish i could say something to help..I put something in my journal about methadone detox that may be helpful to you..it is from a dr. who also was an addict for 18 yrs..
It does sound like you did go too fast..did you already go back on methadone? or something else? i surley would rather hear you got some hydros...we are still here for you..I am almost glad that i was so unaware of how sick I was going to be when i stopped at 65mg..I would have never done it..well I can't say that for sure..But it was not pretty..i will have 2 yrs clean off methadone on Aug1...as hard as this is....it is doable..please don't give up..