My Relapse Story

[wherestheresetbutton]

Well, i first came to this forum when i was around 19-20, lurked for years before i decided to quit taking narcotics.  Lurked for my first detox, and eventually relapsed.  Posted all through my last detox, but lost my internet connection and became distant with the forum.  But, im now on day 5 clean, have my first meeting with an addiction counselor on monday and plan on making this time stick!  So, here's my story.


After a 3 month relapse..i have returned.  I got arrested on Halloween night. Oct 31st, on an old warrant from when i was 18, that i managed to avoid until a month before i turned 25.  Got my beloved "soon to be" fiance, who is a full time student, senior in college, arrested on a DWI.  Well, the guilt from that experience crushed me.  Without anywhere else to turn (lies i had plenty of assistance waiting for me here at med-help, but i took the easy way out) i went back to my DOC.  Thankfully this time i prohibited myself from letting tolerance take the best of me, taking breaks and whatnot to keep my dosage down, but i got up to about 80-120mg a day, 120 being the max i took for the entire relapse.  With all the usual signs of a relapse present, IE all around moodiness, no sex drive, and being a general recluse.  My girlfriend started to get suspicious.  On Saturday January 29Th, i admitted my relapse to her.  As i had 15 pills remaining, and didnt want to go through detox at work (can still take whatever days i want off on weekdays, mandatory work on weekends) i did a fast taper, through the first week of February.  Taking one pill or less daily and dealing with the withdrawal at the end of the day with Valerian and Imodium.  By Sunday i was down to a half a pill, and that made it through work.  Monday morning was the start of my detox, and it has been fairly mild.  Ive had constant lower back pain, near my left kidney, which has occurred every time im short, or im detoxing completely.  No sweats at all, night sweats or any excessive daytime sweating.  Chills on the other hand have been present, but getting cold i can deal with. Emotions have been a bit wild, nowhere near as my last experience that i posted day to day about.  The malaise, laziness, and sheer unwillingness to get out of bed i believe is all in my head.  So i've been forcing myself out of the house, to the store and other places, for short periods, but out and about nonetheless.  

Still See quite a bit of the "old school" med-helpers around, along with loads of new regulars!  Love seeing the community thrive.

[133113]

Don't worry too much about what is to come.  I find when I do that I overwhelm myself and want to use.  The therapist will help you with things like that.  I really truly believe the biggest obstacle for not using is not having access, if you have access you will likely cave.  

So just make sure you cut off all access and start working on your triggers and how to handle them.  For me I have been recognizing the thoughts of using as quickly as possible and not dwelling on them by doing other things.  

[wherestheresetbutton]

Hah! no way! Im layered up in 50 degree weather.  I was raised in SoCal, New Orleans and Houston. Anything below 60 to me is cold! Im not sure exactly what causes it, but since my original relapse, they have always come around the time of the seasons changing.  Im just wondering if there is some connection there, or if its just me getting too lax with my recovery.

Either way, i know whats ahead of me. I know the "pink cloud" post withdrawal will end, and all the things ive done in the past few months are going to start catching up to me.  This time, im going to be ready for them as they come.  Hopefully nothing as severe will happen, like what led me to relapse this time.. but I will be more prepared than i have in the past with the help of a professional.  

thanks for your post!

[bmdad]

You truly sound like you're getting a grasp on everything. You understand how anything, no matter how major or how minor, can trigger us to use. Whenever anything negative happens in life we can always work through it if we take a moment and think about it. Millions of negative things hit millions of people everyday and they can work through it without drugs and so can we. We're just so use to going for that quick so called fix when in reality it's no fix at all. It just digs us in a deeper hole.

I've got a way where you can get over the changing of the seasons in Houston. Head up to Minnesota and visit Sara! When you're dredging through 2 feet of snow in -5 degree weather you'll find out Houston's weather isn't so bad!

All joking aside, it's great that you are recognizing what some of the causes of your triggers could be. You have a great attitude and are heading down the right road. Great job on deleting your contacts. That's an absolute must when it comes to staying clean. As addicts we act on the moment and getting rid of numbers gives us a little more time to think things through. We need to learn to take a step back instead of just reaching for a pill.

Keep hitting everything head on, just like you're doing, and you'll come out on top.

[wherestheresetbutton]

Oh trust me, i don't expect the addiction therapist to wave her magic wand and all my troubles are gone.  Ive identified a lot of my triggers, not all, but a lot.  
I grew up with aa/na, and for the most part hated those programs as i didnt understand what they were when i was younger.  But these feelings are still present.  I dont know where ive heard it, but somebody somewhere said "always try something twice, you may hate it the first time, but the second time you may realize, hey! this isnt so bad!"

So during my clean time before this relapse i had gone to two meetings, one AA and one NA.  I can honestly say, i dont feel those programs are for me.  I know that the program works, my dad is 18 years sober this year, thanks to AA. But for some reason i can't seem to get comfortable there.  

As you say, these programs/therapy only teach us the skills we need.  In the end its still up to us to use the skills we learn to steer us away from relapse.  

Thanks for your post! kinda excited for Monday, and every day after, putting more clean time on my belt.  It hurt having to reset my recovery tracker :(

[133113]

Good job on 5 days!!!! I am exactly on 5 days too today and wow is my story exactly like yours.  I have been doing the merry go round relapse for the last 7 months and finally this is going to be it.

I started with a therapist and it has helped tremendously, but do not expect miracles.  Therapy helped me identify emotional issues and triggers, which have definetly gotten better.  Heck had more clean time last 6 months then last 3 years, but have not been able to string it all together.  

The two biggest keys for me this time is the fact I just do not have any easy access to a supply and I finally realized, N/A, therapy or medhelp are not going to make me not use, they are instead tools to help when you want to use to help pull you out of that mindset, but no one except you are going to be able to stop you from using.

Be proud of yourself...5 days is a hug accomplishment

[wherestheresetbutton]

The good thing, i know many of the reasons I have resorted to self medicating.  The main reason I'm seeking help from an addiction therapist is to help me cope with these things, and other issues as the arise in my life without self medicating, and numbing myself.

Another thing I've noticed, every year when the seasons start changing and it starts getting cold and gloomy outside my urge to use is stronger.  All these things plus i'm sure more will arise after a few appointments is what i worry about. I need to learn a way to cope, without taking the easy road.  I cant, and don't want to stay in this circle of relapses.  Took some time to realize, but as many have said, my way doesn't work, hasn't worked, and will not work in the future.  So now its time to try something else!

thanks for your post Sarah, good to see you still around :)  

[dominosarah]

Congrats on getting your life back!  Glad to see you are going to an addiction counselor.  You know that using is just a symptom of what is going on.  Work hard at your recovery, the rewards will be endless~~sara

[wherestheresetbutton]

I totally know what you mean by doing things differently.  Had it not been for that situation, i would have over 275 days clean today.  But i slipped, beat myself up, slipped into depression, and arose on the other side.  Ive changed my number, erased all contacts from old cell phones, and am making a new start on life.

Life is SO much better off drugs, not worrying about money, supply, etc.  

Ive been reading posts since the day after my relapse.  And I know im not alone in the fact that bad things just love to creep up on us during our first and most troublesome days of detox.  Woke up this morning and my truck was GONE! Thank god Houston has a website you punch your liscence plate # in and it tells you where it was towed too, otherwise that would be a huge headache to deal with! I would be lying if i said i wasnt triggered to use this morning, but i thought it through, and know exactly where "just one pill" will lead me.

Today, its raining.. so no walking and enjoying the outdoors.. so im going to go to the mall and wander around wondering what i could have spent the $200 on, instead of a freaking wrecker fee.

Thanks for the reply!

[bmdad]

Congrats on wanting to get your life back! Many of us relapse. What's important is that we don't give up. You just have to figure out what you're going to do different this time. We always tend to think that this time is going to be different. It's great that you're doing something different by scheduling an appointment with an addiction counselor. The more we put into our recovery the better the chance we have at being successful. We have to learn from our mistakes and do all we can to put some distance between anyone and anything associated with pills. If we can make a quick phone call to score that just puts us at a higher risk when were have having one of those days.

Just dig deep, keep moving forward and never give up. Life is so much better being sober!

Best of luck to you!




Brian