Aa
Angry at myself
I blew it. I couldn't take the fact I wasn't sleeping at the time and went out and got more of my DOC. I had forgot to delete the text message with my dealers #. So there it was just sitting there when I looked and got a craving. I can't believe myself. I hate that I have to start over again. I hate that sensation of false euphoria it gives me. I just want to be happy with myself for once!
You gotta cut those sources. Not sleeping is a really tough part in all of this. You have to trust that it gets better. Now, get up, shake it off and don't use today. Don't beat yourself up about it. You can't take it back, but you can make better choices everyday from here, learn from it.
In life there will be disappointments. Make up your mind on how you'll do it different. Substitute other emotions, to give you euphoria. Look at art. Baby animals for that ahhh feeling. Climax helps sleep. Pamela
dwelling on your mistake won't help you, thats for sure!, in my opinion you should move fwd. leave it in the past and start again, i joined this site 4 years before i was fully able to completely detox off opiates, and then falsely thought i could still use alcohol and marijuana,and learned the hard way i simply cannot, and started the process of changing my attitude and thoughts to that of recovery, using all tools available.Now i use determination and persistence to really only live for today, and stay in the present, it is hard as like many addict alcoholics i have errors in thinking that cause me to feel like i am unique in my anxiety and that try's to lead me to justify using.Overreaction has been a way of life for me and i have been the cause of alot of anxiety for myself that i should not of even felt.
when i recognize this i flow thru life much more peacefully .
you can do this , people do it everyday!, it is a lifelong process , after detox things are never perfect , but so much better, and the self worth that comes with being able to deal with all life throws at me , gives me a better feeling than i ever got from using! hang on, start over ,and you will preserver.
when i recognize this i flow thru life much more peacefully .
you can do this , people do it everyday!, it is a lifelong process , after detox things are never perfect , but so much better, and the self worth that comes with being able to deal with all life throws at me , gives me a better feeling than i ever got from using! hang on, start over ,and you will preserver.
Get back up, dust off, enough guilt, focus on today. You know you need to cut all evidence of your sources. This disease will find a way...as you know. Begin anew. Fight for your sobriety. Fight for your life. You've got this!
Hi Hurtin:
Pleas know that we all get what you're going through. I can't imagine any addict finding their way to this site without having first tried everything within their own power to deal with their addiction on their own. That usually involves many relapses. No judgement here, just so glad you shared your story.
Ok, so this attempt didn't work. That doesn't mean that your'e a horrible person, and it doesn't mean that you don't want to succeed very badly. You're not simply weak, but you are suffering form a powerful mind and body disease known as addiction. It's a serious affliction which must be treated from many different angles. You cannot simply remove the drug and think that the addiction will be gone. The physical dependence is just one part of it. Your body is addicted, your brain is trained in addiction, and your self esteem is damaged each time you believe that it's all because you're a terrible person.
My advice would be to consider your next plan of attack. Do not dwell on this failure, but push forward. Think of things you will do differently to break this terrible pattern.You are fighting some very powerful stuff here. Addiction is a process which manifests over time and recovery it also a process. You must set a goals, and take the steps to make those goals happen. If you're anything like I used to be not so long ago, you may think group therapy, cognitive therapy, and doing positive things are all such bs, but that's a huge disservice that we do to ourselves as addicts. We think that the power is all within us, and that we don't need to look outside of ourselves at foo foo alternative methods for quitting. We think we just need to be tough, and therefore when we relapse, we take all of the blame.
Think of how you can approach and fight this next war differently. What can you do, even if you think it's bs, just think of what you can try. What's the harm in trying right? Banish your negative self thoughts. Have you ever wanted to accomplish something just for you, but just thought "I could never do that?" Well stop thinking that, and start thinking that you can, but you just have to find the right path to do it.
Alot of people think they have to get clean before they can try participating in other things, but I don't agree. I think you should expose yourself to good things like NA/AA, exercise, or even reading, doing art, playing music even if you aren't clean. These things open up the possibility of something good. They may just pull you over to the other side. Are you creative? Are you an intellectual? Everyone has something they are interested in or passionate about, and I say latch onto something and reach for some other goal. Even if you're not clean yet, it may just tip the scales in the favor of a drug free life if you begin to see there is more out there for you and that you are good at other things.
Set a goal for your sobriety. Find other things to get into. Don't allow negative thoughts to run your mind day and night.
I know you can do this. Your very life depends on it. There is nothing on Earth more important than your physical, emotional, and mental well being. If you have those, there are so many ways you can enjoy life. Come on... dust yourself off and try again :)
Pleas know that we all get what you're going through. I can't imagine any addict finding their way to this site without having first tried everything within their own power to deal with their addiction on their own. That usually involves many relapses. No judgement here, just so glad you shared your story.
Ok, so this attempt didn't work. That doesn't mean that your'e a horrible person, and it doesn't mean that you don't want to succeed very badly. You're not simply weak, but you are suffering form a powerful mind and body disease known as addiction. It's a serious affliction which must be treated from many different angles. You cannot simply remove the drug and think that the addiction will be gone. The physical dependence is just one part of it. Your body is addicted, your brain is trained in addiction, and your self esteem is damaged each time you believe that it's all because you're a terrible person.
My advice would be to consider your next plan of attack. Do not dwell on this failure, but push forward. Think of things you will do differently to break this terrible pattern.You are fighting some very powerful stuff here. Addiction is a process which manifests over time and recovery it also a process. You must set a goals, and take the steps to make those goals happen. If you're anything like I used to be not so long ago, you may think group therapy, cognitive therapy, and doing positive things are all such bs, but that's a huge disservice that we do to ourselves as addicts. We think that the power is all within us, and that we don't need to look outside of ourselves at foo foo alternative methods for quitting. We think we just need to be tough, and therefore when we relapse, we take all of the blame.
Think of how you can approach and fight this next war differently. What can you do, even if you think it's bs, just think of what you can try. What's the harm in trying right? Banish your negative self thoughts. Have you ever wanted to accomplish something just for you, but just thought "I could never do that?" Well stop thinking that, and start thinking that you can, but you just have to find the right path to do it.
Alot of people think they have to get clean before they can try participating in other things, but I don't agree. I think you should expose yourself to good things like NA/AA, exercise, or even reading, doing art, playing music even if you aren't clean. These things open up the possibility of something good. They may just pull you over to the other side. Are you creative? Are you an intellectual? Everyone has something they are interested in or passionate about, and I say latch onto something and reach for some other goal. Even if you're not clean yet, it may just tip the scales in the favor of a drug free life if you begin to see there is more out there for you and that you are good at other things.
Set a goal for your sobriety. Find other things to get into. Don't allow negative thoughts to run your mind day and night.
I know you can do this. Your very life depends on it. There is nothing on Earth more important than your physical, emotional, and mental well being. If you have those, there are so many ways you can enjoy life. Come on... dust yourself off and try again :)
I also wanted to add that your anger is pointed in the wrong direction! Staying angry at yourself only ensures that you will inflict the punishment on yourself. Be angry at your addiction and educate yourself on every last tried and true method to fight this demon. You be a strong beast, and if you get angry, don't let it be at yourself. You are not weak... you are strong, but you just have to find your path for recovery. It's different for all of us ok.
Just wanna through some support your way. Loved onthefence post. So very true. Don't ever stop trying. You don't have to be changed to a dealer or a nasty bottle of pills. Life as you knew it is waiting out there for you, but an even better one. Don't waste anymore precious hours. You deserve more.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you "forgot" to delete the no., yet it was just sitting there when you looked? Like everyone above has mentioned, you have to cut all of your sources. I think on some level, subconsciously maybe, you knew that no. was there and you kept it for that "just in case" moment.
Set yourself up so you remain accountable to someone else while doing this. We can't trust ourselves in early withdrawal because we will do anything we can to feel better.
Set yourself up so you remain accountable to someone else while doing this. We can't trust ourselves in early withdrawal because we will do anything we can to feel better.
I really did not know that number would still be there after deleting the contact. Now that I am aware it doesn't go away and I have to go through my messages too I am well aware I have to cut off all ties to that lifestyle if I am to succeed.
I want to see a therapist about my issue but I don't know how to go about it.
I used to coach lacrosse and that was what I used as a release of stress but I don't anymore and with working a full time job 9-530 I cant volunteer anywhere. I like going to the gym but I havent been able to get past the physical w/d to get my butt in there. Maybe I just have to force myself to do so after work regardless if I just want to sit on the couch. I really don't want to keep this cycle going.
I want to see a therapist about my issue but I don't know how to go about it.
I used to coach lacrosse and that was what I used as a release of stress but I don't anymore and with working a full time job 9-530 I cant volunteer anywhere. I like going to the gym but I havent been able to get past the physical w/d to get my butt in there. Maybe I just have to force myself to do so after work regardless if I just want to sit on the couch. I really don't want to keep this cycle going.
You used to coach lacrosse! That's awesome! Why not visualize yourself doing that again and take steps to get back there! Start doing lacrosse again maybe? I am just trying to think of something that will spark your passion for real life and outweigh the drug you know. Also you are so right, exercise is like natures medicine in relieving stress as well as anxiety. May cultures have become so freaking artificial in the way we do EVERYTHING! There is a pill for everything, we go to work in artificial environments where we sit in a cubicle everyday (many do anyway), our food is so artificial, and hell we even get exercise so artificially (many do anyway)! I say get out in the open. My kid doesn't even want to play outside. She just wants to stay on some device!
Try to think about doing something like that again, and ask yourself what would have to happen for that to even be possible, and then one step at a time, take that journey.
If you're anything like me, your journey will be fraught with fear, anxiety, and self doubt at times. I would look in the mirror and think "who do you think you are? you can't get your bachelors degree... you're so stupid!" or "Who do you think you are? You are damaged goods and you can't be pretty or healthy... you're ruined!" That's a damn painful place to be.
I kept pushing through, and no I am not there yet, but I have definitely come a long way and you can to. Remember, it's a process and it involves many many components. Not simply detoxing chemically.
You can do this. You're here aren't you? You long for more, that's obvious.
Try to think about doing something like that again, and ask yourself what would have to happen for that to even be possible, and then one step at a time, take that journey.
If you're anything like me, your journey will be fraught with fear, anxiety, and self doubt at times. I would look in the mirror and think "who do you think you are? you can't get your bachelors degree... you're so stupid!" or "Who do you think you are? You are damaged goods and you can't be pretty or healthy... you're ruined!" That's a damn painful place to be.
I kept pushing through, and no I am not there yet, but I have definitely come a long way and you can to. Remember, it's a process and it involves many many components. Not simply detoxing chemically.
You can do this. You're here aren't you? You long for more, that's obvious.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Calling someone is the hardest part. Look in the yellow pages or google addiction counselors in your area. It is time to get your life back as you are so worth it. Dont waste another minute, make that call~
Thank you guys for the words of encouragement. I'm mentally ready to try this again and am truly thankful I didn't just say F it like I have in the past and just went back to using full time. I know it will be hell, and with a full work week ahead I think it will be beneficial to be there because I can't call in anymore and when I was there those 2 days last week it kept my mind occupied. I will fight through the no sleeping part as you're right, it is only temporary until my brain starts to make its own chemicals again.
I went to the store today to stock up on supplies like gatorade and healthy food to prepare myself for the week. I threw out all supplies related to using and checked/double checked to make sure all numbers were gone from my phone/email/texts everything. It's time to make this work. I don't feel the wd's yet but Im sure I will by morning. I will post some time tomrrow during work when I get a chance. Thank you everyone.
I went to the store today to stock up on supplies like gatorade and healthy food to prepare myself for the week. I threw out all supplies related to using and checked/double checked to make sure all numbers were gone from my phone/email/texts everything. It's time to make this work. I don't feel the wd's yet but Im sure I will by morning. I will post some time tomrrow during work when I get a chance. Thank you everyone.
Good you got rid of contacts and stocked up for the days to come...the withdrawals won't kill you but your DOC will.....thanks for coming back and for your honesty!!! Be brave..
just woke up, solid 8 hrs. because I still had it in my system. prolly the last I will see for days maybe weeks. already had diarreah once, stomach is off. going to take hot shower and have to push through work. Its so cold here again, always adds to my misery. Wish me luck today. 19 hrs in.
When I detoxed two years ago, I posted about not sleeping more than I did about the actual detox. No matter how you might try to avoid it, for most of us re-establishing a normal sleep pattern without meds is very hard, especially after going through the physical withdrawal. After my 6 days in hell I was patting myself on the back for my efforts, then I couldn't sleep. Man, was I surprised, but I got through it, just like I got through the actual detox.
Keep in mind that old saying - if we don't learn from our past then we're doomed to repeat it.
You know you have to cut all your sources. You need family/friends as support, and you need to get to meetings.
I hope things go better this time - I hope that you've learned from the past.
K
Keep in mind that old saying - if we don't learn from our past then we're doomed to repeat it.
You know you have to cut all your sources. You need family/friends as support, and you need to get to meetings.
I hope things go better this time - I hope that you've learned from the past.
K
Hey everyone, just got home for lunch. I feel ok right now compared to the Day 1 last week I had to take off work. I'm gonna eat some soup and take my dog out to the bathroom. I got a call from my dealer (twice actually) that I ignored and then proceeded to block from my phone. I owe him money, but screw him. He can either wait or never see it because I really want to be done with this ****. I don't have much motivation today but it almost seems like its flying by. thanks everyone
TG
TG
Dealers calling you will be a source of temptation. You need to let them know that you've stopped for good. If you owe money then maybe you should pay so he stops calling.
K
K
Been home for an hour and a half now. Still not feeling physically horrible so I will take it. The immodium and gatorade I picked up yesterday must really be helping out. I have noticed I'm depressed as all ever right now tho, and I also dislike that as much as not sleeping. I am pretty tired though from today I will say that. I plan on taking some benydryl to hopefully knock me out for a little bit tonight so I can get after it tomorrow. Heres to 29.5 hrs! I will not cave this time, I know the sleep and depression will wear off eventually!
COngrats to you. Very positive outlook and attitude right now. I agree with Kyle tho that maybe you should pay him to shut him up and stop calling. idk. Your doing great. Keep fighting.
ugh i must not be a morning person, either that or the lack of real sleep has me feeling like not moving at all today. I slept some but it was more like resting, not real sleep. maybe 3-4 hrs max from 930 last night until 730 this morning. whatever, don't have time to dwell on it. gotta shower up now, take the dog out and go to work. the only thing i look forward to is the dan patrick show 9-12 and listening to music at work. helps me really forget about what im going through. 42 hr mark.
I so look forward to getting home on lunch and letting you guys know how I'm holding up. It gives me great pleasure talking about this and getting it into words and off my chest. I feel okay physically, definitely not 100% but managable & do-able. I basically have no energy and diarrhea. I came clean about a financial situation last night with the help of my sister to my parents. I spent money on using for a team I coached. Terrible to say it, I know. So I opened up a credit card to pay for the bill for the team gear and in my head I said I'd pay it back. Sure, right! I neglected to pay it at all and interest / late fees built up. I think the reason I kept using was bc I didn't want to deal with it. Now that that is out of the way, I need to focus on keeping my apartment clean and catching up on about 30 lbs of laundry that I haven't done in a month. I am going to try to meet up with some friends for dinner tonight at 6:30. I am not going to drink or smoke or use at all that is for sure. Just going to try and enjoy my food although I probably wont be able to eat a lot. I am now officially on day 3. I hope the RLS doesn't bother me as much as it did last night tonight.
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