addict feeling hopeless

[pennylane1]

I am a heroin addict. Im in my mid 20s but my life has been one long cycle of using and relapsing. I started with alcohol. Then coke and ecstacy. Then oxycontin. And then Heroin. The heroin just about ruined me. I remember all the cautionary tales people told me, the progression of this disease, everything that would happen that I said, "no that would never happen to me." And now it all has. I want to stop, but I cant. That scares me because as much as I want to stop and keep trying, I keep relapsing and that makes me think maybe im not done? Ive tried so many times, i get everyones hopes up, and then i destroy it and relapse. But I do want to be done. I am so sick of this hold drugs have taken on my life and on me. Things I say I'd never do, i now do. I let down everyone. I hate myself. I guess It hasnt all been bad. Theres been some periods of success, but right when things are gonna get good, i blow them all up and self sabotage it all. I dont rly know what my question is or why im posting. I just need help but I dont know what it is.Im so sick of myself, of being a constant disappointment.But Its like i cant exist without drugs.I cant exist without heroin. It has such a strong hold on me and its like im watching myself sit by and let my life go by. One long blur of using. Never moving forward, never doing anything, just watching the days go by as a waste away getting high. Waking up dope sick. Getting high. waking up dope sick. getting high. I guess im just wondering if theres anyone out there that has relapsed, A LOT, that has tried all the things people tell you you've got to do to get sober but still keep relapsing.... andthen have felt that hopelessness or the frustration of why do i keep doing this?! And what finally worked for you? Because right now, i have no idea what i can do to finally get it. To finally make it work for me.

[Addictedtolove]

You should be proud that you have found enough clarity through this haze of addiction to want to quit. Relapse is part of recovery. Don't give up on yourself.

[Cricketk92]

Hurray for your first day!!!!  It is a great decision to quit this time!  No, it wont be easy but it gets harder every time so  make this time your last!!!!  You can do it if you are really ready!!!!   Being a using addict takes over our whole life and leaves very little for anything or anyone else!  Aren't you tired of living like that?  This is the time you can WIN!!!!  We all understand and are all here for the same reason!  We are no different than you when it comes to these darn drugs!  Keep on posting here for support and let us and others help you through this!  Keep telling that screaming in your brain that you are done!  Try doing other things to get your mind off the voice telling you that you need it and have to have it!  Hang in there!!!!

[Merri123]

Ok be you know what you have to do:

Delete all contacts that sell you or do drugs from your phone - numbers texts everything. Then block their numbers so they can't call you again. You have to do this. It makes getting more much harder.

Just curl up in bed, put on some music and sleep. You're going to be tired today. Keep posting.

[pennylane1]

i ended up not getting anymore tonight. I havent done any since early this morning like 5am and it was small amt. im starting to feel so sick and am trying so hard not to go out for more, its all i can think about, even though i know i should not go get more, im just laying here thinking about it. also yes i have outpatient that i set up and some other things as well.

[Merri123]

Get yourself prepared then. Lots of water and Gatorade to drink. Hard candy for the dry watering mouth. Epson salt for hot baths when the body aches and the legs are jerking. The supplements and vitamins in the Thomas recipe especially magnesium zinc and calcium. Several have said calcium works great. Warm socks blankets sweaters ect. Electric blanket if you have one. Pile of clean shirts to change into when you sweat they them at night. Ibuprofen for headaches and aches. TV books movies music to watch or read when you can't sleep etc. to pass the time. And get up and move. And sleep as much as possible. Get soup to eat. You have to eat. Sometimes the stomach is Bc you are hungry. Do you have anyone who can stay with you or drop in? It'll help.

You know the drill, super tired first couple days. Stomach diaharea headaches body pains RLS dry mouth runny nose sneezing...

I have been through heroin wds ct. First 7 was bad, 8 and on I could function but had a raw stomach. Then on day 14 it all just went away. Day 16 I was happy and energized. Post here for support.

Think about aftercare. Counseling after for the issues that will still be. Meetings. SMART Recovery online. Message me anytime. You can do this!!!

[pennylane1]

ya theres a lot of unresolved stuff in my life that could be why....im trying again, im gonna kick cold turkey and give it everything ive got left. tomorrow morning will beday 1

[Merri123]

Luv you won't offend us. Many here have had to deal with emotional baggage once the drugs weren't numbingbthe pain

Excuses only get it back where we started. It's easy to say I tried this and thst and it didn't work. It will work. You have to work hard and fight for it. And get back up each time yiu get knocked down and start again.

[luvdolphins58]

Hi Penny. Have you ever done major soul searching on what you are trying to avoid feeling. Some might disagree with me but i feel addiction is symptoms of something else. Maybe some kind of trauma from past. After dealing with the issues that you are trying to avoid will help you stay clean. I'm very sorry if I'm out of line or offended anyone. Just concerned and yes God will help  you when we ask and give our total life to him.

[pennylane1]

I dont go to church and im not religious, but I am spiritual and I do believe in a higher power like it talks about in the 12 steps of AA, i just have to remember on a daily basis that i am not in control and to have that faith. I do agree with that thank you

[ArmyWifeMomof4]

Yeah I was going to say just my belief but I know I can't do it alone. I had to surrender everything to God and tell Him I needed Him to pull me thru. I never believed the "God never gives you anything you can't handle" stuff. I believe He does because if you can't handle it then you run to Him. You give it to Him and let Him handle it. Again just my beliefs but the only reason I have gotten anywhere with any of this is because of Him:)

[Merri123]

It is exactly that th king thst gets yiu back there.

If you don't believe in yourself then you won't make it. You have to make a mind overhaul as well. You have to want it more than anything in this world. Yiu have to be willing to give up anything g that will get in your way. And you have to beg omitted to working on you and this everyday for the rest of your life.

Do you go to church? I mean really go and really believe?  Sometimes it is your faith in God and giving your life to Him that makes your life new. I don't ususlly say this but you need this.

[pennylane1]

thanks everyone for the responses and feedback. To answer some of the questions people asked---i've been to rehab, many times actually, both short and long term. I've done sober livings, detoxes, meetings, all of it. But i find myself here still, using. When im in those safe environments i do well, but I go back to the world, to life, and it's like I just can't do it. I always default back to using. Its been 9 years of this.Im trying again to sober up, but im scared because i dont want to get my hopes up or anyone whos left in my life and hasnt given up on me yet, just to end up in the same position, back using, in a month or 6 months or a year. I dont believe in myself i guess. And because ive done all the things like go to rehab, live in a sober living, work the steps, i think in my head, "why will this be any different. WHy do u think u can do it now. maybe youll be able to do it for a little, but eventually youll just go back to it, the same way you do everytime". Those are the thoughts that run through my head. So im scared. im scared ill never get it, im scared to allow myself to feel hope or to give family/friends hope, because im scared ill tear it all down again. im in such denial about my using and how bad it may be but i think if i really look honestly at the past several months, ive basically been using everyday and before that, using for years. I really do want to try again because I want to have a sober honest life and feel good about who i am and make ammends to all the people in my life my addiction has hurt because right now i just hate the person i am. ive seen it work for other people, i just dont know how to make it work for myself.

[Merri123]

Rehab will have to be your choice. And make a long term commitment.

Think Demi Lovato. She went to rehad for several months. I don't think a month is long enough. Then she did outpatient rehab and therapy. And she lived in a sober house for over a year. She kept going back to it for support and stability when she was tempted. It was living in the sober house that kept her in track and got her clean and healthy.

You have to make a commitment. To stop the madness and cycle.

You too joycakes.

[scaredmamaneedshelp]

Penny, I do not have experience in Heroin but I also have experience with addiction. Mine was for medical reason, but like you and so many of us on this site, we have never felt better physically, numbed to our stresses, and what we all at one time had, was just a great high. Then it got ahold off us, that's what drugs do. All of the sudden we can function without it. What your taking stops working so you move to something stronger. I started with norco 10mlg, then went up to Percocet 10mlg, then went up to 15 20mlg oxy (super strong Percocet), and 10 tramadol a day. That's is a crap ton. My doctor would still keep me on them even though I told her I was addicted, overusing, and wanted to quit. I do still have medical reasons to be on them, but I hit my bottom. Im tired of it controlling my every second of every day life, I'm tired if being afraid of od when I have two kids, tired of playing they running out game. You need to be DONE, in your heart, mind body, do it for your life, do it for your family. My mentor told me she got clean for her husband but stays clean for herself. I to relapsed before, but I wasn't ready to quit them. I'm ready now, I'm at my day 7 of detox. If I can do it you can. Go to rehab if needed. Start going to NA now, it is okay that your still using, get a support system from people who know what your going through. We are all here for you. You can do this.

[joycake]

I'm also a heroin addict in my mid-20s who can't stop. I've gone to inpatient rehab twice, and experienced short periods of sobriety thereafter. That's the only thing that has ever worked for me. Have you tried that? Or, suboxone?
Please feel free to PM me if you want.

[atthebeach]

Hello and welcome.i am so glad you are here.  Aww hun there is always hope. We can encourage you, support you, pray for you.
Don't give up. Keep the faith.
You are so young you can live a life free from the chains and bondage of
Addiction.
You need a huge support system you can lean on. Counseling, substance
Abuse support groups, na, aa, celebrate recovery, church.
Stay away from the people, places and hints associated with your use.
Clean,healthy eating, exercise.

Tell us what you have tried to get and stay clean. Have you been to rehab?
There is inpatient and outpatient.
Do you have family who will help you in your recovery?

Yes your addiction will take you place you would never be, do things you would never do. The addiction is the enemy of your soul.
My daughter has now been clean for 27 months. She is still facing
Felony charges for grand larcency and for possession and
Distribution.
There is freedom huni. My heart is breaking for you.
Please believe there is a way out. I know there is.
Even though you let people down you can try again.
You are worth it. You are special. You can  get and stay clean.
There is always hope.
Please stay close to the forum and talk with us.
Much love and prayers,
Debbie

[drakeBpat]

Hold on kay you will get great responses here check it as much as u like a lot of people are sleeping but check in every once in a while u will get good feedback. Were all on this for the same reason . addiction, fear, relapse, advicev, help so on. Ill pray for you I don't know what its like to be on heroin but I know addiction is not fun. Me myself has relapsed twice in the last two weeks on percocet, been on it for three yrs.... I'm in the same boat... Im so sorry!!!! God bless you and hopefully you hear what u need to. Or look for the right kinda help in your area