all of the Vicodins kept me from my eating disorder. Now, all I want to do is binge and purge.

[artistica]

First of all...I am very embarassed to tell anyone this.  I think I have a problem with bulimia.  I know this is a substance abuse website.  I know this b/c I'm on day 5 sober from my 60mg/+ per day vicodin addiction.  I am just an addicted type of personality--for sure.  When I do something: Coke, Alcohol,oxy's, vicodin's, weed--I do it to the max.  I even over-do: excercise habits, sex, everything.  It is so wierd to me that the vicodins kept me from (for the most part,) bingeing and purging.  I have been doing this off and on since the end of highschool (9 years.)  When I did coke, I didn't need to...when I drank copious amounts...I'd get a meal @ the end of the night (and then purge.) When I did the weed...I'd eat like a mother ******, then purge.

In a wierd way, vicodins kept me from bingeing and purging.  I just didn't want to lose my high (obv,)...so I didn't purge.  Well, for the past 5 days...it's been a puke fest.  I have prayed...talked to a friend from this site in private about it.  I don't know what to do.  I am such a self-destructor.  

What I want...is to find out if there is anyone else out there who is like me...or WAS like me.  And what they did to stay sober and not have this binge and purge ritual...

I feel crazy.  It is so hard for me to obstain from these self destructive/ cross addicting  habits.  I have overcome a lot in my life.  I just don't understand why I always want to hurt myself.  

[toxictome]

OMG...another thing in common...I am a PERFECTIONIST also... LOL  

That is a BIG issue in itself...trust me...i know all about that one....but since i started my taper..and now 2+months later...i am not ashamed to say "i have not dusted my house once since "...i am about ready to remove the dust of my using days...and then i WILL have to clean all the time to feel "in control" again...   LOL

Glad you posted this!!!

[avisg]

I have been in recovery for about 7 years ,I am/was anorexic ,at my  worst my weight got into the mid 80s I am about 5'7 .I believe its tied in with my addiction .I was addicted to not eating .I got help lots of therapy . It took years but i got up to a healthy 130 pnds and stayed there for the most part .I gained weight while i was using .I went back to 130 when i got clean .I love my body now .I love me now !!!!!!...if you ever need to talk PM me ......I have been in your shoes ....
avis

[lostinlife24]

Hey! I read your post and really wanted to talk to you because I have struggled with bulimia and anorexia in the past coupled with my pill addiction. I was anorexic in High school due to situational stress. I'll explain if you are interested. Then I got married at 20 and had a baby at 21. My husband is also an addict, 12 years older than me, and we dated since I was 16. I took no pills until after I had  my son. I was sick during the entire pregnancy and threw up naturally almost every night. After he was born I found it EASY to continue to throw up. Then I started taking pain pills too. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you did not want to lose your high and that kept you from bingeing and purging. (sorry I am skipping all around, I am trying to do a condensed version) I threw up for 4 years straight, once or twice a night. Now I have it somewhat under control. I have only thrown up one time in 4 weeks. I have no idea how I did that. I think that the pills help. I am fighting like heck along with you... I am trying to balance everything with excersize. My pill intake is very high though. I would love to chat, maybe we can help eachother

[10356]

What triggered me in your post was that you were pretty much able to stop purging because you were afraid of losing the high off vics, so it seems to me their was some self control on not purging. Food for thought (no pun intended) I do agree you should seek help. I wish you all the luck and thank-you for your service in Iraq helping to keep my loved ones safe Limbo

[artistica]

BTW, you are a really kind lady.  I really appreciate you opening up to me when you wrote that you used to cut.  They are very similar.  It sounds like it's for the same reasons--just a different mode.  I feel a little less freakish when people can tell me..." I'm not perfect...here's my deal."  So thank you very much for doing that for me.  I guess that is what I wanted to hear.  

I guess I'm going to have to be a member of 2 different internet groups?!  damn it.  :)

[artistica]

Worried878,
I am so sad to read about your neighbor.  I am very glad that I am not anorexic.  Thankfully, people who have bulimia don't generally have those types of symptoms...unless it's anorexia nervosa--which tends to have both anorexia and bulimia combined w/ excessive excercise.  I hate to sound like an addict--but I am definitely not that bad off.  I am at a healthy weight for my size.  My blood work has been checked...I have been deemed "healthy and fit" for years by my doctors.  I even have white teeth.  

I don't throw up to be thin.  I used to feel that way.  I throw up because I hate feeling too full, b/c being full reminds me that I was somehow unable to control myself again.  I never plan to binge and toss.  I just eat...and sometimes after I eat...I feel disgusting.  So disgusting that my urge to vomit is as great as my urge to get high on pills...maybe even moreso right now.  I try my *** off (I pray, smoke, anything...)I think my most serious problem is being a perfectionist.  I strive to be perfect in every way--which is actually, pretty annoying.  

All of this worked very well for me while I was in the military--they loved me. I got meritoriously advanced to E5 by the time I was 20 years old (I was in since my 17th birthday...graduated HS @ 16.)  The only problem was that there were all of these men.  I told you I was abused-- well by men-- earlier in my life.  So, being around all of those men all of the time...yeah--I may have not respected myself enough to say NO on plenty of occasions...  All of this made me even more "sick."  I am blessed and cursed in being an "attractive woman," b/c it seems that if I wasn't attractive at all...would I have been abused?  lalala.  There's a whole chain of events that I don't even have the time to divulge...and I doubt anyone would understand.  I have sufficiently sufficed myself for the evening in making an *** of myself by revealing something very personal (when I am obviously not truly ready to discuss.)  The only thing I have achieved for myself tonight with this is making myself feel even more different and wierd than every one else.  
I know everyone hear cares...I feel it, I see it, I believe it.  
I'll take your advice to get help... (after doing some research on who'd be most qualified to help all of my different issues:)

[usarmymedic1]

I have a niece who is now 25 years old I caught her doing this back when she was in high school. the way I noticed it in her was the change in her teeth if you have done it long enough you know what I mean. when she was 18 years old she was diagnosed with type 1 diabeties the indocrinologist siad it was caused by her binge and purge cycle she would throw up everything she ate now she is giving herself shot in the stomach everyday for the rest of her life ... PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP

medic

[Destiny4]

counseling is a VERY good idea. like i said i never had a eating disorder i did however "cut" and it is different however we all do different things that seem to fit us to deal with the emotional issues in our lifes. Be careful with a therapist research them, the last one i had just kept giving me more and more and more pills which just fed a pain pill addiction i was already dealing with and it didnt sollve the problem it made me less me.  ALWAYS remember who you are and who you want to be no matter what. i have recently discovered i dont know who me is and i am trying to find her.  Im here for you as all of the people on the board are.

Des

[GoingToMakeIt]

I have to agree with the need for counseling here. This is a serious problem but counseling will also get to the root of why you used.

[worried878]

My next door neighbor is anorexic...she gets hospitalized every time she gets down to 90 lbs..which is at least a couple of months each year..she is depressed tho..they put a feeding tube into her stomach recently but took it out a couple of weeks ago...I knew she would not put the cans of nutrients into the tube if she would not eat...I did not see the point of the feeding tube in the first place ...she is also a heavy smoker and is 44...diagnosed with emphysema already...depression is the root of her problem with anorexia she states...she recently started taking lortabs for the tube feeding site as it became infected..she quit losing weight for now,,,but knows she is becoming addicted to the lortabs...I dont know....until she gets the root of the depression resolved...I think she will continue to self destruct...I am sorry that I am speaking of someone elses problem and not my own with eating disorders to answer your post...but it was so close to home..next door

[lucyred68]

you deffinately need to see a specialist who can get to the bottom of this self destructive behavior.  i only want the best for you and your family.  my prayers are with you hun.

Lucy

[artistica]

Thank you for your concerns.  I know that I need to talk to a specialist...I didn't believe it to be a problem until I was all grown up.  When i was a teenager....and in my earlier 20's...I thought it was normal.  I live in a big, ritzy, pretencious city that actually has the highest rated ed count in this country.  I definitely know that it's a BIG problem for me.  

I also know that every time I purge...I could choke and die.  Somehow...everything in life is deadly.  I should have been dead a long time ago from a lot "worse."  I'm lucky to be alive.  I don't think I need an ED person to help me to stop purging.  I need someone to help me get to the bottom of all of this...to sort through all of the abuses that I have lived through...and living through Iraq...getting married @ 19 (I'm still married--he doesn't have any addiction issues--but he tries his best to be supportive,)  car accidents, being an explosives specialist, falling when rock-climbing.  I guess I kind of felt INVINCIBLE.  In the way that I logicized that "If that didn't kill me--this won't."  

Wow...Im full of excuses.  hmm.

[ladyboop]

I agree, PLEASE get some help. None of us want to see anything bad happen to you. I have never had a eating disorder either. But have read allot about it. I think there are meds that can help with that. It's like allot of addiction. It's lack of something that our body are not making. keep posting and know we are here.. and care.

[lucyred68]

hun, you really need to get help from a specialist in eating disorders.  that is a deadly disease, but opening up and sharing it in here is the first step to healing.  please seek help for this.  i have seen too many young girls ruin their lives with this disease, and you can't help yourself.  seek medical help, deriously!!  i care about you, this is not criticism, hun, just concern.

Lucy

[artistica]

Thank you.  I appreciate your support:)  I wish you the best too!  I really enjoyed your last post...so thanks again for that as well.  Keep doing well:)

[Destiny4]

I have never had a problem with purging or anything just with excessive pain pill usage.  I just wanted you to know you are in the right place and you are in my thoughts and prayers i wish you THE BEST