I want to make it t 90 days.....

[brownvelvet]

I am close to 90 days and I think that having that goal has prevented a relapse.....I am at that point again where the horrors of the life addicted and even the horrors of withdrawal hell are a faint memory and my mind or my addiction or whatever you want to call it...is trying to convince me that life would be better with pills....I have been trying to learn meditation and part of it is just trying to be a passive observer of my thoughts as they race by....imagining almost I am another person observing my own thoughts...and when I do that I can see myself so much more clearly....I almost laugh at my minds furious attempts to convince me to use drugs....it really pulls out all the stops....it berates, cajoles, whines, yells, reasons, and craves....and sometimes all I can cling to is that I have said no...I will make it to 90 days....and nothing will stop that....I wonder what I will cling to after that

[gnarly_1]

Hey  a  big congrats on 90 days clean  it is a huge mile stone...im also happy to here your desire to use is not a issue right now....you need to put some sort of aftercare in place as always I recamend the N/A progam  please dont skip this critical step..........Gnarly

[brownvelvet]

thanks again everyone...i made it ...today is day 90....and I am doing okay now. I have been working out a lot and started to make myself get up in the morning right when I wake up....I was waking up and laying in bed and having weird anxiety. Today I got up and on elliptical. Tonight I did P90x and biked....exercise is my passion but drugs robbed me of my desire and i dont want to lose my drive again....i have signed up for a half ironman next year again....i just love triathlons...no drug can compare to the high of crossing the finish line...and I know if I use that I will let that all go....so for now, for tonight i have zero urge to use drugs...thats where i am at...thanks everyone....you guys always save me

[Jerry198]

Just remember that as an addict we will always have that little voice saying " Just One More Time" but what I have learned in my recovery is that the challenges in live that I thought I could never do without my special pill are long in the past and now I welcome a HUGE challenge just so it helps strengthen what I already know and that is "IM IN CHARGE OF ME" and no one or nothing will stop me from living PILL FREE I wish you the best in your recovery.

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling now?

[ImInAwe]

You can do it! I started to get thoughts like that, and so my sponsor told me to make an "insanity" list... A list of all the craziness that would happen if I did take that first pill... And to hang it up somewhere I could see it often, it's on my mirror. And that when your mind starts doing that to play that tape all the way to the end... For me, when I start thinking like that, that means thinking about where I would eventually be if I took that first pill... It would mean no more freedom, and I'd just be stuck paying lots of money to a suboxone doctor every freaking week, worrying about running out, etc, right where I was before. Maybe try doing some stuff like that to redirect your thoughts? Praying for you!

[VICourageous]

Try to keep busy and reach out to other Addicts face to face. It takes another Addict to help you understand these feeling that we used to mask. I have over 3 yrs clean from a drug/booze use since I was 14. Over 12 from the booze, because I traded one for the other. That makes it over 40yrs off & on. I still have those days when I want to get high on something just to change my mind-set. However, they have gotten way better. It is hard when on has used for so many yrs and it was mostly the times like the 60-70-80 so on, as it was the Environment and we thought it was the thing to do. This disease is a progressive one and when we hit that point, when we can not walk away, then that is it. It takes so much out of us to Change these Behaviors. Now I know more about this Addiction in a more Scientific way and what had happen in my Brain & Body the past 12-16 yrs with these opiates. Just always know that it will take you down. The balance between Mental, Physical and Spiritual is broken. We end up thinking with a Pill Brain and not a Real Brain because of how much these drugs whack out our Brain Chems and many at that..and because we used these for all other purpose beside pain. Tolerance builds up fast and that contributes to Addiction as well. Keep re-directing yourself, as I have to do this day in and day out. Meetings & Church has been my life Savior besides this site. Just keep yourself preoccupied when you have a craving. It will take a min to think of getting a buzz and a min for it to go away..Maybe longer but you get what I am saying. Just like anything you want right now for some reason..Give it a break and re-direct and next thing it is gone..Ya! It really works. Good Luck and Congrats on your Time. Just take it min by min and day by day. Time will go quick enough in life.
Bless
Vickie

[brownvelvet]

thanks for the support and for caring.....i have 88 days in,....im battling a bit of depression ( I have some segree of SAD im sure) but i am fighting itwith eating clean and exercising and getting some sun on my face....plus I recently got my horse back....and Im trying (struggling) with meditation...so I have days I feel strong and good and days I dont....I know now I have to exericse every day or I sink into depression...I just got to keep going...

thanks again to everyone who reached out...you save me from myself

[oxypain101]

Tomm will be 30 days clean for me.  I hate percocet with a passion, but i can see how ppl can relapse.  I am scared to death i cause some damage to my live that i will never touch a pill ever again.  that said, i do at times wish i just had 1 pill.  i play this crazy game in my head that if i only learn to control how many i take per day i will be fine.  I know that is all bull@hit.  I tried that game for months when i was using and every month i would run out of pills early.  there is no going back no matter how bad the anxiety and fear and stress get.  going back will kill me and i know that because i have no self control when it comes to the pill.  it will break me in half.  thinking of my wife and kids alwasy pulls me out of those thoughts.  what if overdose this time...will someone else have my wife and kids???  that thought alone will never allow me to pop a pill.  Plus this forum has helped  me so much since day 1.  I think without this forum i probably would be using again.  its a struggle but it sure beats the alternative.

[dominosarah]

Relapse happens when recovery doesnt~

There  are so many forms of aftercare out there.  Please check into something as your life depends on it~

[clean_in_ks]

Hi, Brown.....
Relapse happens in our minds way before the pills actually go in our mouths.  You have posted several times lately where I hear a struggle going on inside of you.  You have posted before that you have "unending access" to tramadol....and eliminating your sources is impossible for you?  Also, you said that you didn't think 12 step programs would resonate with you....but there are SO MANY other options.  Have you checked any out?

Helping another addict.....being in the company of other recovering addicts....having "real live people" to talk to that truly understand us is PRICELESS.  Doing this alone in your real life is indeed like "white knuckling" recovery.  You've got 85 days girl!!!  You have successfully gotten off Xanax, tramadol and Lexapro.  You've mentioned the weight gain bothering you....and now you're wondering what you're going to "cling to" to keep you clean after you hit your 90 day goal.  PLEASE go back and re-read all your posts.....and please do some reading about relapse prevention.  There has to be some kind of aftercare that would work.  I wanted to reference a link from back in September when you were having cravings.....not that you are having cravings right now....but I "hear" you working on a relapse as I read your last few posts.  You said you appreciated what ABN posted....please read it again, ok?  And consider not doing this alone.  Bless you girl~

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/cravings-now/show/2733607#post_13219455