Forgiveness?

[momof2_26]

I'm 60+ days into detoxing from methadone. I definitely feel like I'm progressing well in my recovery...I'm still weak and achy but I'm a million miles ahead of where I was. What's getting to me now is facing what I did and said during active addiction. I won't go into a lot of detail...partly because I'm extremely ashamed and partly because I don't think I need to share for others to understand. I lie awake at night for hours and replay scenarios and flashes of the past in my head, analyzing and reanalyzing. I've done things i'm not sure I can forgive myself for.  Some episodes I can't even remember. How can I ask others to forgive me when I can't forgive myself?

[Ejm7263]

So proud of you. Thanks for posting. You are "feeling" exactly what you should when you should. You can be amazed at how far you've come.
I can state a fact; the 12 steps get me through. I got so much relief from writing my 4th step, getting it out of me for ever, ever word you write is taking it out of you & allowing you to step away from it, to learn, to never have to repeat. To quit roaring through life like a tornado & more like a stream of flowing living water. We're not what we used to be & we are on our way to who we want to be. It's a journey, we're never perfect but we are progressing.
So glad your here.

[weaver71]

I didn't read all the responses, so forgive me if I repeat something. At 120 days, I just about lost my mind. I was remembering things I hadn't thought of in 20 years, things I saw, I did, I thought. I was asked about my 4th step at a meeting one night and totally flipped my lid. That is when a couple came to me and talked to me about "taking a fearless, honest moral inventory." They pointed out that we tend to focus on defects and we all have good character traits, even in active addiction, though they may be suppressed from so many years of drugs. I was encouraged to write about the good parts of me first, then I can work on the defects, using my strengths. That was the beginning of accepting myself. I couldn't think of anything, so I wrote down any compliment I received, even if I didn't agree, I couldn't discredit someone else's views of me.

Over time of doing this exercise, I slowly accepted that I am a pretty good person, which was very difficult. Then I started focusing on creating a new past, which took time. As my new memories of doing the right thing were my recent past, they replaced all the messed up things I had done. It doesn't make my mistakes okay, but it makes them my past, not who I am today. It took some time for sure, but focusing on making new memories as the new me really gave time for my mistakes and past be further in my past. People see me as the new me now, which is pretty cool.

Only think about today and from here forward. Manifest that which you have always wanted to be. That will create the memories of this new you. We can't change the past, we can't even fix it all, but we can change today and from here forward. We have to have the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and grow in wisdom to know the difference. Try to focus on the solutions, what you can do, rather than what you can't. That help me anyway.

[loveandlight05]

Your post really spoke to me. I feel the exact same way, and no, your don't have to explain. We have all been there. It doesn't really matter how we all did it. It just matters that we all did.

I can't forgive myself either, and I don't even understand how I will begin to earn trust in others back. I keep telling myself to just handle one day at a time. I need to get through my legal issues before I can start building relationships.

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who wants everything to be fixed immediately. I want this legal stuff out of the way, and I want my friends and family to forgive me and start trusting me again now.

It really hits home when I have to go to a doctor's office or pharmacy. I want them to treat me like a normal member of society when I am picking up my child's antibiotics, but when the large, red screen pops up because the insurance is under my name, I am treated like the scum of the earth. I am not currently doing anything wrong, but that doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

[NeverAgain127]

Hi honey:

Because going over and over the things you did is an emotional cul de sac.  It gets you nowhere.   We are all human beings...terribly imperfect, flawed,, and every single one of us worthy of forgiveness.  Have mercy on yourself.

Are you in therapy?  Self esteem issues can run deep, are often the start of addictive behavior, and are GREAT places to start work with a a therapist on.

I dont' know if you are religious or not.  I take comfort in stories from the Bible, although I know many consider them fiction.  Even if they are, they still have meaning.  Jesus forgave those who put him to death; he forgave the thief on the cross.  If He can do these things, then you can forgive yourself.  

The other answers here are correct; the 12 steps provide a blueprint for getting our lives back; spiritually and emotionally.   (So not only great stuff for therapy, but also for talks with your sponsor.)

Be gentle with yourself honey...you were once in an innocent newborn baby, and a small child. This was't what you wanted for your life, and it doesn't matter what happened, what matters is ARE YOU SOBER TODAY?  If yes, you are ok.  I'll pray for you.

Take care,

-Robin

[kellygirll]

working the 12 step program with a sponsor will help you with that are you going to meetings? therapy? it helps tremendously congrats on the 60+ days!!

[Pat1956100]

I think when you talk to the people you need forgiveness from it will help you forgive yourself.  It's important that you try to forgive yourself because it will just play over and over in your mind and just be an excuse to relapse.
Like sgersch said we have all done things that we deeply regret while we were using.  

[sgersch]

Also, the fact that you have remorse for the actions done as a result of your addiction shows that you are a good person.

[sgersch]

Everyone has done things we are ashamed of. You should be proud of battling your addiction and winning this battle so far. All you can do about your past is attempt to make amends for those you've hurt including your self. Nobody is perfect. The important thing is to be honest to your self, and learn from your past mistakes. I certainly don't have much figured out myself, as I too am detoxing, but I've found mistakes can be a positive if you learn from them. Try not to best yourself up too bad. Focus on staying clean and living better. Look at the potential of the future, not your past.

Good Luck!