I lost myself to oxycontin, and don't know how to get back

[JustWant2beFree]

I am 21 yrs old (female) and snorting around 4 oxycontin 80's a day for the past three years. Which is about 320mg a day. I was once so full of life, had so much going, college, friends, family, and I threw it all away, thinking oxycontin was the answer. That this is what would bring me the happiness I always wanted. To escape from everything bad in my life. I was so wrong. The drugs took me for quite a ride, but in the end, it's left me broken, empty, hopeless, and so sad. It took all the life out of me. I am literally fueled by oxycontin and have become a worthless pathetic attempt of a person. I've tried to get sober so many times, but something always brings me back to oxycontin. I guess I just never really learned how to cope with anything in life or my past, and because of that, all i know how to do is "solve" my problems with oxycontin. I feel hopeless at getting sober, i've tried NA and AA, but something didn't work because I kept relapsing. Maybe I never gave it a good enough chance, i don't know. I don't know what else to do anymore. I don't know how to stay sober, I've burned many bridges of people who cared so much for me, friends i've grown up with and known for twenty years. I was willing to throw everything away for this little pill. It has complete control over me. I wake up sick in the morning, and have to have it to get out of bed. The detox is so horrible I can never make it through. It's not so much the physical pain, it's the mental feelings. Every bad feeling on this planet that comes at me all at once and the only way I can think to just make it go away is to snort another line. I know I am pathetic. I know you guys are all strangers and don't owe me anything, but if anyone has any advice i'd really appreciate it. I honestly just want to free myself of this drug, and make people proud and happy for once.

[JustWant2beFree]

Thanks so much for your advice. You're right too, I can get sober but I cant stay sober. I usually last a few weeks or a month or so before I go back to using. I don't get why I can't get it behind me though? It always comes back to haunt me and take me back even if i am going to meetngs and doing all that. I defnitly do plan to keep going to meetings once I'm detoxed. i agreee that aftercare is rly important, i know there is no way i could stay sober at all without it. But why do some ppl stop and just get it, but i seem to stop and always always go back to it. What do u think im doing wrong

[gnarly_1]

HI and welcome to the forum....you have came to a good place to seek help for this
you have quit a habit to break free from but others here have done it...personally I spent 10+ yrs on the pills then another 6 1/2 on methadone so I know where your coming from
im here to tell you it dosent have to be this way...theirs life after the pills...first of you really got to want it bad...so bad your willing to do and give up anything that will stand in your way
your ether all in or it wont work....a positive attitude will help you more then any other single thing you can do so go into this with a win win attitude...you will no longer be chained to a pill bottle once your threw this...it sounds like you have detoxed b/4 so you know the drill
drink plenty of fluids take long soaks in the tub and remember the symptoms are only temporary...this is 1/3 physical 2/3 mental so be ready to fight on both fronts...im glad to here you haven't wrote off A/Aor N/A the 12 step programs work if you work them it would be a good idea to start going to meetings right now for support..so many people think this is over once the physical withdrawal is threw..but most people struggle more with the mental mindscrew and wind up relapsing because of that then any other thing...recovery is a life long process you need to be pro/active in your recovery putting everything you got into it...again this is where many go wrong and dont put 100% into there aftercare it is critical to long term sobriety...I have hit on aftercare so much in this post only because you seam to be able to get clean but not stay that way...we will all tell you anybody can get clean thats the ez part...its staying clean that takes all the work...we will work with you....your not alone in this where here to help...keep posting and reading the posts
there are a lot of us here that have been in your shoes...your to young to have such a thing hanging over your head lets get this behind you...you have your whole life ahead of you and it will be so much better once your clean and sober ...life is a beautiful place once your on the other side of this..and it is so so worth it...good luck and God bless......Gnarly        

[JustWant2beFree]

I know I have to want this so bad, and I am going to give it another try just give it my all. I want to wake up in the morning not feeling dope sick, and I don't want to be dependent on this drug to do everything and anything. I hate who ive become but what scares me is that no matter how much I hate what i've done to my life and myself, it won't be enough to make me stop. Like, i dont have to face that when im high on oc, and everything just seems so overwhelming, stressful, depressing, horrible, and crushing when I try to stop. I don't know how to get through it on my own.

And JT808, I relate so much to your comment, I sent you a message, thank you

[jt808]

me and u sound like we are identiaclly in same position i too have felt and lost an done all u have an my parents knew i was doi9ng em but as of bout yr ago thought i quit but i nvr did for more than like 2 wks so like u i just dnt wana crush my family wth telling them again tht im messing up still, i have a love/hate relationship wth these dam oxies like im sure u do too. i take approx 3-5 80's a day as well sniff/smoke em depending on how many i have to use for tht day but like u io have lost soo many close friends cuz ive changed i dnt have any motivation to go wth em or hang out wth em i just feel so much btr whn im by myself doing my pills which i totally hate cuz than after being alone i start thinkn im notlike this i use to luv going an spending time wth friends an family now i just do not i have to force myself to now a days. so like u im just so stuck an have been stuck in this dam position, so i wish u best of luck and seriouslt6 from reading ur thing it was like i wrote it so plz feel free to write me or talk or anything ive been **** pills for like 10 yrs now an its been strangly getn worse an worse but i nvr really knew it could get worse so if u ever feel like talkn or whatever id b more than happy talk wth ya. good luck.

[jessicadcb]

I am on day 6 I think or so of withdrawls.....the last few days were hell. I was addicted to 300+ mg a day of roxycodones. I was quick....crushed it up n snorted one(30mg blue) 10x a day or more....and noooone knew they were my 'super mom' pills. I'm single mom of 2. On Monday I came clean to my Dr and he gave me subutex...not suboxone. It felt like it didn't work Tue so I toughed it out and o god its hard! but I tried again 2day n feel better....but back to u....U HAVE TO DIG TO UR CORE TO STOP! U CAN DO THIS! I spent my first 4 days in hell and still had my kids. My poor boys(they're 9 + 5) just thought I was reallllly sick. There were times I thought my body n heart were going to shut down my prescribed xanax helped a lot too I tried to sedate it away. But u can't replace one with another so I tapered off those. ppl on here will answer any question u have and many ppl have many experiences but u have to honestly want to stop and HONESTLY WANT TO STOP! And u can do it!!! It is the WORST physical/mental battle u probably will ever go thru but u have to want to stop bad enough to override to want to do. U might come up with whatever works for u like I kinda did, take it day by day and u will get thru! It does only last a few days for the hell then it does get better. But u have to push urself harder then ever!

[AZKathy]

well that's good that AA or even maybe NA might be able to help you, now that you're ready for it... and u might be surprised how much your family suspects already... sometimes they pretend they're blind, so that they won't hurt your feelings... I know that my family was well aware that I was using, and it was very much due to them that I found the courage to go through with this... and my life has so much improved... especially my family relationships.

even if your family doesn't know; they'll admire you if you come clean with them and also you'll feel a zillion times better about yourself

[JustWant2beFree]

I guess I am just scared of all the things I need to face, and deal with and it just keeps me using. Also, my family who thinks im sober has no idea what i've gotten myself into and it makes me feel ten times worse that  I may have to crush them again with this.

And about AA, i do think it could work for me, definitely, what I meant is at the time when I did it I think I just wasn't ready or willing to put in all the work, so I failed the program basically.

[AZKathy]

If you want to do it, you can.. I went cold turkey from 70mg oxycontin 3x/day plus percocets 55 days ago now.. I was on them far longer, about 10 years for the oxys.   I found that they were the hardest to get off of, not to scare you, but just to be honest with you.  I was doing drugs in total for longer than you've even been alive - so I'm still making my way back home, but find it's getting better every day.

You've tried to get off before, and it didn't work for you.  A lot of people here will have some great suggestions - they've helped me so much through all the stages.

My best suggestion to you is just to get clean and get to be yourself again.  You'll find your real life, friends, everything coming back to you.  You've just got to hang in there.  Is there a possibilty of seeking some kind of counseling if you need it?  I saw that NA and AA didn't work for you.  This forum has been my only means of support through getting off the drugs.

I know you can make if; it just takes willpower, and you sound like a very strong person.

Take care,
Kathy