4th of July - Pull that trigger!

[kyle505]

So, I find myself facing a major trigger tomorrow - the annual 4th of July gathering at a friend's house. A major trigger because for the last 15 years, without fail, I was on something - vics, norco, codeine - something. So, this will be the first time that I'll be attending without "my pills".
I write about putting up roadblocks, making sure all sources are cut or difficult to get to. So...I know that the family I'm going to visit often has meds around, like some normal people do. Because of that, I told my wife that she has to make sure no meds are available, i.e., med cabinets, kitchen cabs, etc. She was shocked - even though she was with me and supported me during my detox 6 months ago, she couldn't believe that I'd still be tempted, or that I'd take pills that weren't mine. She's not an addict - no wonder. Anyway, after a lot of embarrassing discussion and confession on my part, we got it worked out. Now, I can't say for sure that I'd seek out meds and use if I found some tomorrow, but I've accepted the hold they have on me, so I'm being careful.
I will be independent from meds tomorrow (couldn't resist). An early happy 4th to all of you. Stay clean.

[dominosarah]

I love you too my friend~~

[10356]

Thank you Sara although you made me cry it was not for the yelling but the understanding.. I did try so hard and I paid dearly at times.. I love you my friend.. 10356 :)

[dominosarah]

Ya, good luck with that!!!  lol  I think every doctor and dentist in every state knows about my addiction.  I HAD to cover my bases!!

[waterLilly7]

SO glad you got through it.
Please remember that you don't want to go through it again, that's all, keep moving forward.
You made the right choice trusting in your spouse. So many can't, or won't.

stay the course, I am proud of you,

hugs,
Lily

[kyle505]

I tried to pat myself on the back but hurt my shoulder...Wonder if I could call my doc........

[dominosarah]

I had to yell at her for a minute!!!  I am so glad you both made it thru yesterday.  Pat yourself on the back~~

[dominosarah]

Dear 10356, yes i said 10356!  YOU are not abusing these pain meds.  You are taking them for a medical reason.  YOU tried every other alternative to control your pain.  YOU were not having any quality living for quite some time due to your pain issues.  YOU are being responsible with them as your hubby is giving them to you.  YOU have every right to claim your clean time.  YOU have every right to continue supporting people on this forum.  YOU just got yelled at by me~~sara

[kyle505]

Never too late...Congrats. I think a lot of us made it through OK. Now on to the next 4th!

[kellkell2184]

I know I am a little late to this comment but I just wanted to say that I to was sober for the 4th of July. Congrats on staying strong and keeping our sobriety!

[10356]

Thank you Your words mean a lot to me as this has been playing on my mind.. I have not supported as much as I feel I'm no longer in the position to give advice. It is a difficult situation for me as it is something I need to walk but my heart says otherwise. I know I could not do this on my own and em Grateful to all of you for I do get a lot of strength and encouragement thru all of your all post so yes Thank you..  I just told my hubby I put it out here and started to cry He said I know it must be hard for you for he knows how bad I wanted this.. It is very difficult when your heart says one thing and your head says another.. hubby just said I'm doing good oh Boy how to make a girl cry..

[kyle505]

But you are not abusing. I have a friend who's been on some sort of pain meds for over 10 years (a youngish guy who's spine is shot). He's one of those weird people who can take 1/2, or 1 pill WHEN HE NEEDS IT!  I can't imagine, but he's not an addict, so there you go. So, I have to admire you for having the wherewithall to get help in controlling the meds.

[10356]

Thank you Kyle I made it and I read where you did also !! It seems that we all did :) my Niece did bring hubby some wild turkey Yes hubby drinks and we have booze in the house I can say it has been difficult at times but I have resigned myself to the fact of my addictions are not my husbands.. I agree about cutting off supply but we do not live in a cocoon unfortunately.. Oct 3 would have been 4 years for me but I have been taking 2 norco a day now for a lil over a month I think.. they are doled out to me by my husband and authorized by my Dr. who knows of my history all the way back to my junkie days.. I needed help to walk anymore as my foot was becoming too much so I have not posted on clean time as mine is tarnished. but I can cheer you on and I do.. You are doing fantastic !! and Yes the Grateful Dead rocks !! :)) lesa

[Sonrissa]

Hi Kyle, glad you made it through the evening had a good time and came home tired! Sounds so "normal" (smile)

I'm up and awake and can't sleep! Loud bomb-like fireworks still going off in my neighborhood and it's well after midnight! One of my poor cats is violently scared and crying and throwing up every 10 minutes! I'm just about ready to head out to the 24 hour animal hospital! I should have gotten a tranquilizer for him! sigh! This is real life!

Take care!

[kyle505]

Sarah - thanks. Feels good not to be in a fog and ashamed. Just tired.
Pat - I got to a point where I couldn't imagine being in a social situation without pills.  I felt that I couldn't be "on".  Such BS.  

[dominosarah]

Glad to hear you are home safe and sound~~

[Pat1956100]

I didn't socialize much at all taking pills.  I became more of a recluse.  It's strange though I don't even enjoy the same television shows when I am off pills.  I prefer Law and Order and shows like that off pills.  When I'm on pills I like comedies, game shows.  
My day went as well as could be expected.  Thanks for asking.

[kyle505]

This is the first time in 15 years that I've gone to this particular event clean. Fortunately no one there uses; the most radical person tonight had 3 beers then switched to coffee!  I've been to other social events clean, but the ones with a long history of pill use (Christmas holidays, movies, vacations) are the ones I have to enjoy clean so I can re program my memories.
Hope your day went well.

[Pat1956100]

Is this the first time you have gone to a social event clean?  Were other people there high or was it just that your aren't used to socializing when you are sober?

[kyle505]

Back from the annual 4th get together. Honestly, I spent almost every minute thinking about pills unless my mind was distracted. But I really wasn't craving them, just thinking about them. I had an ok time; got tired later in the day (that never happened before) so drank some coffee. Home now and feel great. That is the difference.
Thanks again for all of the support. I hope everyone had a good, or at least a productive day.

[kyle505]

Medicine cabs were like treasure chests to me...Make no difference if I knew the people who lived in the house or not, the cabs called to me. If there were more than one in the house, I'd make up excuses to "look around" or to use an upstairs bathroom. And if I found pills, well, it was like a dream.
The hold they had on me...I can't believe that I never got caught.

[quitinoxys]

Good for you Bkitty you recognized the problem and developed a solution to deal with it. Great job Keep your guard up!!!

[Bkitty]

I found myself rummaging thru my mother's medicine cabinets earlier today. I dont know if its just a bad habit that I devloped while I was using or what. I looked at myself in the mirror and yelled out loud " what the f*ck are you doing??!!" I dont know why I was doing that. Or do I? I was at lucifer's (aka my mom) and she is a huge trigger for me. I knew this going in there too. So, I had to do the next best thing and cut the visit short and get outta there. Stay vigilant. I cant stress that enough. Ive been tested really hard the last month. ((Hugs))~Bkitty

[kyle505]

Lesa - I'll be thinking of you. I'm sure we'll both be fine.
And I do love the Greatful Dead.

[quitinoxys]

Kyle this is a test so keep your guard up so you will pass. As addicts we can't just avoid life and temptation forever, we need to change our mindset to deal with it all. That is why aftercare is extremely important because we learn the tools we need to cope with life's temptations. Good luck to you at your party.