crack addicted husband

[confusedandhurt61]

I have been with my husband for 5 years now.  Recently, we moved to TX where he is from.  Three days after moving here he started smoking crack.  I was totally blown out of the water by this.  He had never used any kind of drugs the whole time we had been together.  Come to find out from his family, he has been a crack addict for about 20 years!  He had to leave TX to get himself clean.  I didn't know, and took a job smack dab in the middle of his "old stomping grounds" and as soon as the plane landed, he went looking.  I know I will never ever in a million years understand the need for it.  His actions are bizarre, and I just keep trying to make sense of it all.  I am probably still a little in denial since this just hit me three months ago.  How can a person go for 5 years without it and all of a sudden I can't turn my back on him for a minute.  He told me yesterday, "I am what I am and I'm an addict.  That is all I will ever be".  It seems like he has already made up his mind to live the "addict lifestyle".  I feel like a horrible person if I walk out on him, but I can't stand to see him act that way.  He always does it at home, and I have to sit and watch him peek around corners at me for hours.  I can't take it any more.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jaybay]

I so agree with you Kimberley.  Tonight will be brutal.  Over the past several years I've isolated myself from my husband and any kind of social activity.  It always involves drinking - or worse - and I just had enough of it.  My husband still doesn't understand that when I said, "I refuse to go to any more parties with you" I meant it.  He never got violent with me or anyone else, but his behavior was embarrassing, repulsive, disgusting, disgraceful and dangerous to himself and others where driving was concerned.  

confused - see, this is what happens to people who live with an addict.  It's a chaotic and toxic emotional battlefield.  We end up isolating ourselves from social activities and life in general to either "take care of" or cover for the addicted spouse.  One thing you'll learn in Al-anon is that it's OK to still love your spouse.  You can love the person but hate the addiction.  Detach - with love.  Right now, your husband's addiction is ruling both your lives and he's made you a hostage to it right along with him.

Tonight and tomorrow will probably be rough for you.  Please get that bugout bag ready to go just in case!

[Kimberly Sue]

Just checking in to see how you are doing. The holiday weekends are often crisis times....especially New Years Eve. It's like every alcoholic and addict feels that New Years is a license to get blasted out of their minds. I used to hate New Year's Eve.....my ex and I were very socially active in our community, and therefore had multiple invitations to party's. Inevitably, he would get out of control wasted on whatever his drug/drink of choice was for the night. And of course, I was always the "designated driver". I can remember one night that his buddies had to force him into the car, he had a tantrum while I was driving, kicked in the windshield from inside, pushed me into the back seat, and took over driving.....up on lawns, hitting poles, sideswiping parked cars. We got home, and he proceeded to kick the crap out of me because I had made him leave the party....he did'nt realize that it was his "buddies" that had had enough of him and made him get in the car. When I called the police (half of whom were his cousins or old friends from school), I was told to take my kids and go stay with a friend! They didn't even talk about arresting him!
That was just one night of hundreds that was a nightmare. I stayed as long as I could....it never gets better when the cycle of dependence/co-dependence keeps turning. You will be in my thoughts and meditations tonight....I wish you peace for tonight, or at least safety. Keep posting....I will do all I can to support you.
Kim

[confusedandhurt61]

Jaybay, your words really hit home with me.  That is why I keep getting on here and talking.  To know someone has been through this, or knows the world of the addict and co-depenent, is so helpful to me.  You are definitely right.  I should not carry the guilt of this horrible situation.  I am tired of trying to babysit him 24/7.  It is exhausting both emotionally and physically.  This is a long weekend.  From experience I know that it will probably be a bad one.  Lisa...just to hear someone say they care....you don't know how uplifting and supported that makes me feel.  I will be back on later...thank you to everyone that has had advice and kind words for me!!!

[Jaybay]

What do you mean "until I moved him right back"?!  I hear a lot of blame being directed at yourself and my dear, I won't stand for it.  Guilt is a wasted emotion so kick it out of your life.  The guilty parties here are your husband and his family who swept his addiction under the rug and "gave it up to God."  Well, God helps those who help themselves.  Your in-laws knew damn-well that you two were going back into the jaws of the dragon and not one of them bothered to say a word to you?!!

I'm appalled that neither your husband nor anyone in his family told you about his addiction problems.  You thought you were getting someone completely different that what you got.  That is not your fault.  You were sold a pack of lies tied up in a pretty package.  Something tells me your in-laws are just glad to have him off their hands - and on yours.  Don't expect any help from them.

Kimberley Sue nailed it in one sentence.  When you change your behavior "for him" YOU are the one in trouble.  You're on the slippery slope of losing your own identity to your husband's addiction.  Look at what you've had to do already that you normally wouldn't do.  You've had to lie for him at work and try to cover for him.  You're trying to behave like a DEA cop while you watch him every possible moment, and it doesn't work.  He will ALWAYS find a way to use no matter what tactics you use.  You can't change him, but he sure is changing you.

I hear you that you aren't ready to walk out the door yet.  I know you have to come to that conclusion in your own way and time.  If this wasn't a case of crack addiction I wouldn't be quite so worried.  

While you wrap your mind around all this, please do yourself one favor.  Prepare yourself with a one-minute escape plan.  I am deadly serious about this.  You may never need to enact it, but if you do you'll thank yourself for preparing.  Keep a bag in a SECURE location packed and ready to grab and go at a moment's notice.  Start stashing money in it and make sure it contains every last scrap of information about your financial and married life.  If you have a laptop computer, get used to storing it in your bugout bag.  Keep an extra set of house and car keys in the bag.  Keep all prescription meds in the bag.  You see where I'm going with this right?  It's the same thing as being prepared to evacuate from any natural disaster, and right now you're preparing to evacuate from Hurricane Crack.

[norco_no_more1960]

You didn't make this situation and you can't fix it.  Only your husband can.  Have you heard of codependency?  Google it.  You'll get a lot of information.  Melody Beattie has written several books on it.

I'm sure you are exhausted.  Emotionally and physically.  Please seriously consider getting out.  Your husband will likely not improve until you do.

All of this is just my two cents worth.  But I care.

Lisa

[confusedandhurt61]

Wow....such informative answers!!  Yes, I agree that I try and "rationalize" everything.  It's easier to hide behind excuses than it is to face the truth.  It is crazy, but in a way I feel like I am the one that is doing something wrong.  I live from hour to hour trying to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't get away from me.  The minute I can't find him I know I am done.  I wake up every morning wondering if this will be a "good day or a bad day".  I did try to talk to his family about it.  I found a niece that was willing to give me a LITTLE background.  I guess he started this back in his early 20's.  He also has a brother and sister that are addicts.  Evidently, he was the worst one out of the bunch.  It got so bad that his family avoided him at all costs.  His wife at the time left him and moved out of state.  About 2 months later he moved out of state with her and went into rehab.  He has been in-patient rehab 2 or 3 times over this.  His usage went down to maybe once in a year.  Until I moved him right back into the area where this all started. I didn't know.  I am very naieve (probably spelled wrong).  I have never been around anything like this.  I am considering my next step.......God this is HARD!!!  I just want it to all go away!!!  I keep thinking it might just stop.  Maybe he will "wake up".  I know it isn't going to happen.  I just hope it might.  His mother has been very nice to me.  Her answer for everything is to pray on it.  I believe in God, and believe me lately I have been on speed dial with him, but it doesn't seem like it is helping.