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I'M HATING MY HUSBAND!....
i'm joking--sort of...lol.
my journey has been long and at times horrible, and while i first started taking percs for pain, it has grown WAY out of hand! long story short--i was taking anywhere from 20-30 10mg percs daily, tried the suboxone route then soon realized it wasn't right for me. i went to a top notch detox facililty and while they did a wonderful job of weaning me down in a weeks time (it was all i could afford), when i went home i was still detoxing. coming home to the place of my opiate comfort was more than i could take and i had a moderate panic attack in my driveway...silly, but my HOME was/is my biggest trigger.
i always kept my meds in a lock box and when i went home they were still there, so on my first day home i relapsed. so fast forward...saturday may 28th i took my last 2 percs and rode it out. at the facililty they had given me clonidine (definitely recomend this to everyone as long as you don't have LOW bp problems). i feel better physically but mentally i want to kick the crap out of everyone! especially my husband!
he's a great man and he does NOT deserve my verbal abusing--he's stuck by me the whole time. seriously, how do i handle this? with him just walking into a room and looking at me sends me over the top! what can i do to stop hurting the man i love?
my journey has been long and at times horrible, and while i first started taking percs for pain, it has grown WAY out of hand! long story short--i was taking anywhere from 20-30 10mg percs daily, tried the suboxone route then soon realized it wasn't right for me. i went to a top notch detox facililty and while they did a wonderful job of weaning me down in a weeks time (it was all i could afford), when i went home i was still detoxing. coming home to the place of my opiate comfort was more than i could take and i had a moderate panic attack in my driveway...silly, but my HOME was/is my biggest trigger.
i always kept my meds in a lock box and when i went home they were still there, so on my first day home i relapsed. so fast forward...saturday may 28th i took my last 2 percs and rode it out. at the facililty they had given me clonidine (definitely recomend this to everyone as long as you don't have LOW bp problems). i feel better physically but mentally i want to kick the crap out of everyone! especially my husband!
he's a great man and he does NOT deserve my verbal abusing--he's stuck by me the whole time. seriously, how do i handle this? with him just walking into a room and looking at me sends me over the top! what can i do to stop hurting the man i love?
Best Answer
I know exactly how you feel. Its a true saying that we take things out on the ones we love. I felt like killing people sometimes. It was terrible. The most stupid things would drive me into a frenzy. Its quite normal ( I hope lol). But he sounds like a really understanding man and i agree with the above. When you have a sane moment sit him down and explain to him that you dont mean it, its just the drugs, or rather not having the drugs that is causing your behaviour and its not personal. BTW congrats on your 6 days. WTG GIRL. Take each day as it comes and yo WILL get through this. Keep posting and let all your feelings out. No-one judges anyone here. We are allhere for the same thing, so nothing can shock us. I cringe sometimes when i think of the things iv done becase of drugs. Hope to see you here more often.....James
bahahaha....you make me laugh! THANK YOU! first time since i woke up! THANK YOU!
in all fairness it really wasn't my husband but his daughter. she's 18 in a couple of days. i've been with hubby for 3 yrs and all 3 of his kids were living with us--well the almost 18yro didn't like our rules so she went to live with her mother and 2 days later she dropped out of school! long story short--she's back home with us and she's going to a GED program and friday was her test. she has known about this test for, i don't know, let's say, 3 mths!?! well miss smartypants gets a letter from the school saying that she needed to bring certain info to the test. she never bothered to read the letter so consequentially she didn't have said information. hence, the frantic phone call. then she blaimed her dad! i was livid!
her father was 1 hr away working, so i had to find the info which of course no one knew where it was and then drive like a bat outta hell to get it to her in time. whew! man! i was pi$$ed!
i do think you hit on something though...we always take care of others before ourselves. i know i do and because i have terrible coping skills i just want to float away from the madness of life...
in all fairness it really wasn't my husband but his daughter. she's 18 in a couple of days. i've been with hubby for 3 yrs and all 3 of his kids were living with us--well the almost 18yro didn't like our rules so she went to live with her mother and 2 days later she dropped out of school! long story short--she's back home with us and she's going to a GED program and friday was her test. she has known about this test for, i don't know, let's say, 3 mths!?! well miss smartypants gets a letter from the school saying that she needed to bring certain info to the test. she never bothered to read the letter so consequentially she didn't have said information. hence, the frantic phone call. then she blaimed her dad! i was livid!
her father was 1 hr away working, so i had to find the info which of course no one knew where it was and then drive like a bat outta hell to get it to her in time. whew! man! i was pi$$ed!
i do think you hit on something though...we always take care of others before ourselves. i know i do and because i have terrible coping skills i just want to float away from the madness of life...
i forgot to mention that i was set up with an IOP (intensive out patient). first one i went to, a woman who works there and i had a heated discussion...i know i'm gonna hear it for this BUT where i live--near a major city, all of the patients are court mandated and while i DO NOT feel i'm better, i was treated like a POS...i was there on my own volition. it's funny because i didn't have a problem with the other patients but i did have a problem with the staff members!
i went to the therapist they had set me up with, i saw her 3 times and each time she "couldn't find my file" so i spent a good 20-25 min. of each session going over things that i already told her in the previous sessions...so i said "screw this" so now i need to find someone to talk to ASAP!
believe me when i tell you i know WHO AND WHAT i am--it's painfully obvious.....
i went to the therapist they had set me up with, i saw her 3 times and each time she "couldn't find my file" so i spent a good 20-25 min. of each session going over things that i already told her in the previous sessions...so i said "screw this" so now i need to find someone to talk to ASAP!
believe me when i tell you i know WHO AND WHAT i am--it's painfully obvious.....
One last thing before i run out. If i were u, i'd BLAST my husband. WTF is so friggin important to jeopardize you staying clean? I mean REALLY? Why are some of our spouses INCAPABLE of handling squat? I've been here for going on a month and one thing i noticed is alot of us who abuse take on EVERYONE'S problems around us, so NUMBER one for me and maybe you? LEARN HOW TO FRIGGIN SAY NOPE NOT MY PROBLEM. Colosal realization huh? yes we need to learn how to deal with stress clean, i'm not understating that.
SO just saying if it was me, my husband would hear it that him calling me during this point of my recovery and doing that was NOT helpful. And i'd also tell him that for once in his life, maybe he should deal with his own frigging kid and stop shoving the responsibility off on you. I mean really he thinks u can help his daughter? I mean, lets face it weren't not on this forum for our stellar decision making skills right? LOL Just kidding trying to make you laugh!!
But seriously, you need to number 1, destroy your suppliers, make it impossible to get more drugs. Yes that's going to send you into a panic but after you get over the panic hopefully you'll feel a sense of empowerment, YOU made to choice to stop your supply becuase YOU are making the choice to chose life. Number two, tell your husband and anyone else dumping on you that their problems are not your problems, us trying to get clean have enough self imposed problems and we don't need any more. And number three, today is a new day for better choices! Good luck!
SO just saying if it was me, my husband would hear it that him calling me during this point of my recovery and doing that was NOT helpful. And i'd also tell him that for once in his life, maybe he should deal with his own frigging kid and stop shoving the responsibility off on you. I mean really he thinks u can help his daughter? I mean, lets face it weren't not on this forum for our stellar decision making skills right? LOL Just kidding trying to make you laugh!!
But seriously, you need to number 1, destroy your suppliers, make it impossible to get more drugs. Yes that's going to send you into a panic but after you get over the panic hopefully you'll feel a sense of empowerment, YOU made to choice to stop your supply becuase YOU are making the choice to chose life. Number two, tell your husband and anyone else dumping on you that their problems are not your problems, us trying to get clean have enough self imposed problems and we don't need any more. And number three, today is a new day for better choices! Good luck!
thank you both so much! no one can understand what we are going through except fellow addicts.
as far as getting more...i've been "red flagged" literally and figuritively. the detox center contacted my doctors and my husband contacted "the others". the people my husband talked to are soo staying away from me..lol. don't know what he said but it's working!
honestly, right now i don't want a pill--i just want to be normal...free. this mental stuff kicks my ***. like right now, i'm sitting here with my head in my hands and a huge, fat lump in my stomache! before i relapsed i was cleaning and getting my house in order, but now after 2 days it looks like a war zone again and i feel like i weigh about 500lbs!
as far as getting more...i've been "red flagged" literally and figuritively. the detox center contacted my doctors and my husband contacted "the others". the people my husband talked to are soo staying away from me..lol. don't know what he said but it's working!
honestly, right now i don't want a pill--i just want to be normal...free. this mental stuff kicks my ***. like right now, i'm sitting here with my head in my hands and a huge, fat lump in my stomache! before i relapsed i was cleaning and getting my house in order, but now after 2 days it looks like a war zone again and i feel like i weigh about 500lbs!
Hey stop beating yourself up! It happens, but you found out something really important, you identfied a problem. You need to tell EVERYONE that supplies you with pills what's up and to tell them to NEVER give you more. If they love you they'll listen if the give you more, ditch em. I know that's harsh but the best way to stay clean is to destroy your suppliers. This is very hard to do but once you do it, you'll feel empowered. I always say you can't change yesterday but u sure as hell can change today. Think of it as a diet, one big mac a fat a$$ does not make. so one bad day isnt the end of the world you just have to make sure the today you make the right choices. So before you think too much call EVERYONE who gives you pills and tell them if they give you more your going to release the wraith of detoxing ladywithtime on them and it won't be pretty!!! So stop beating yourself up about yesterday, its done its over, MOVE forward and move on with better choices.
Also, if you have insurance have you ever considered counseling? Might be a big help for you.
Good luck!
Also, if you have insurance have you ever considered counseling? Might be a big help for you.
Good luck!
I know exactly how you feel..I think at this point I just want to be alone..No husband...Just the dight od him does something to me..It's horrible..but I have to do this without family..Although he tried to "Fis" this he can't and I get angry that he doesn't understand what I'm going thru and why I feel do da&n Bit#chy...We're sleeping in separate rooms and he's staying away from me..but I wish I could do this alone..Be in my house by myself....Just want my life and happiness back,,,
i failed.
i was actually doing ok "talking" with everyone--then i get a phone call from hubby, something i have to do for his 17yro. daughter that was "ohmygodso******importantitcantwait!" bs and i literally was sooo angry i was shaking! way-over the top reaction!
i broke down, called my sister which whom i've been avoiding because she just had major surgery and she told me to come over. i had been in touch with her since the surgery but only through the phone as i knew i wasn't strong enough. well, i went over, she gave me 10--gobbled 2 straight up--finished the last of them last night. and of course now i feel like ****!
i don't feel like i set my self back PHYSICALLY, however, MENTALLY i feel like i did at day 1. i'm really starting to feel like i will never be free from the mental hell of addiction...please, someone talk to me!
i was actually doing ok "talking" with everyone--then i get a phone call from hubby, something i have to do for his 17yro. daughter that was "ohmygodso******importantitcantwait!" bs and i literally was sooo angry i was shaking! way-over the top reaction!
i broke down, called my sister which whom i've been avoiding because she just had major surgery and she told me to come over. i had been in touch with her since the surgery but only through the phone as i knew i wasn't strong enough. well, i went over, she gave me 10--gobbled 2 straight up--finished the last of them last night. and of course now i feel like ****!
i don't feel like i set my self back PHYSICALLY, however, MENTALLY i feel like i did at day 1. i'm really starting to feel like i will never be free from the mental hell of addiction...please, someone talk to me!
A pill to make you feel better? Isn't that an Oxymoron?
I know you feel like crap. I have been there too many times to forget. But it does pass and the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. I know you are going to hate this word but, you need to give it time.... You need to allow your body and mind to adjust, or re-adjust. Try and keep a positive attitude. It really does help.
Just think, in a week from now you will be well on your way!!! I'm pulling for you! Hang in there.
I know you feel like crap. I have been there too many times to forget. But it does pass and the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. I know you are going to hate this word but, you need to give it time.... You need to allow your body and mind to adjust, or re-adjust. Try and keep a positive attitude. It really does help.
Just think, in a week from now you will be well on your way!!! I'm pulling for you! Hang in there.
Whoopsie..I just wish I had a pill to make me feel better....ugh! Thanks for listening!
Okay...so here I am at work, doing okay not wanting to kill anyone..but my physical/mental withdrawals are killing me today! Help help help! My whole body is on fire...I ache like the flu..I just wanna run out the door and collapse on the lawn! Ugh...I have no access to anything to relieve the misery...just
thanks for replying to me...i have been "following" your story for some time now and i really want you to know you give me hope! man, addiction--what a ride! whilst i'm very happy i'm clean, i am still trying to figure it all out. the one thing i'm suprised about is the fact that i'm not depressed. depression is the MAIN thing that kept me actively using--whilst in detox, i went in under dual diagnosis which means i have major depressive disorder and substance abuse problems. it seems they've got the depression thing figured out and i thank GOD for that every day...so this anger issue is really new to me! it seems i always beat myself up but now i want to beat everyone else up instead! i might make jokes about it now but it really is a big problem for me! BTW...congrats on the six mths!
thanks for letting me know i'm not the only one hating! it's just so hard--(btw...i HATE even saying that because there is so much suffering in this world, who am i to think i should have it easier than most!)
my emotions are all over the place but the one i'm experiencing most is just plain ole' hate everything, ya know? when i was in detox they kept stressing that i'm supposed to "be selfish and take care of me" but i feel that addiction in of itself is EXTREMELY selfish.
i am lucky because my son and step-children are older so i'm not having too much trouble with them and they're self sufficient, so they can wait on me..lol.
i know that the only way through this is time. i just don't want to be so hurtful to a man that i'm blessed to have! he's always so damn cheerful!
i am jonesing like crazy and it makes me anxious so i've been cleaning so i'm at least accomplishing SOMETHING...i actually had to leave a family bbq on sunday because i can't seem to handle people right now. is this normal?
my emotions are all over the place but the one i'm experiencing most is just plain ole' hate everything, ya know? when i was in detox they kept stressing that i'm supposed to "be selfish and take care of me" but i feel that addiction in of itself is EXTREMELY selfish.
i am lucky because my son and step-children are older so i'm not having too much trouble with them and they're self sufficient, so they can wait on me..lol.
i know that the only way through this is time. i just don't want to be so hurtful to a man that i'm blessed to have! he's always so damn cheerful!
i am jonesing like crazy and it makes me anxious so i've been cleaning so i'm at least accomplishing SOMETHING...i actually had to leave a family bbq on sunday because i can't seem to handle people right now. is this normal?
Lol I can totally relate to the husband thing and I had the kid thing also. When my hub asked what he could do to help me thru detoxing I told him to stay away and do not touch me! lol not sure how he made it through but he did. Tell your husband to ignore everything that comes out of your mouth. A "mantra" I had was "its not (insert name lol) fault that I am going thru this." and try to make it right with them. Does that make sense? Like if one of the kids needed something and asked me even i didnt feel like moving my a s s for anything I would say 'Ok its not Chris's fault I am like this so I will get him a snack ect"It did help me keep moving and showed me how I couldnt let my actions effect my family anymore. Best of luck to you and hubby-maybe have him check out some of the posts on here so he can see not to take it personally? Keep up the great work!!! H
thanks for replying so fast! i really feel for you! i honestly could not go to work whilst detoxing! i am certain that i would be either fired or jailed...lol.
i've read so much from this forum and i've learned so much, however, it's much easier to logically understand than to emotionally apply all of the great information, ya know?
a punching bag sounds great and actually my husband has one but i've got carpel tunnel, tendonitis and on monday i'm going in for an MRI and CT scan because my arms and hands keep going numb...
i really want to wish you the best and i want to tell you that you're a very strong person to do what you're doing--detoxing and working, hang in there because it really does get easier physically...mentally not so much! i've been jonesing to the point of screaming, and i'm not joking! it's actually driving me crazy---when they say it's the mental that gets you, they're not lying!
my thoughts are with you today and i hope you have a stressless (sp?) day--if they do exist! BTW...i love your name!
i've read so much from this forum and i've learned so much, however, it's much easier to logically understand than to emotionally apply all of the great information, ya know?
a punching bag sounds great and actually my husband has one but i've got carpel tunnel, tendonitis and on monday i'm going in for an MRI and CT scan because my arms and hands keep going numb...
i really want to wish you the best and i want to tell you that you're a very strong person to do what you're doing--detoxing and working, hang in there because it really does get easier physically...mentally not so much! i've been jonesing to the point of screaming, and i'm not joking! it's actually driving me crazy---when they say it's the mental that gets you, they're not lying!
my thoughts are with you today and i hope you have a stressless (sp?) day--if they do exist! BTW...i love your name!
Hey! I felt the same way last weekend. ...someone posted recommending me a punching bag. I think he understands since he has been with you this whole time. I just have to believe it gets better..im only 2 days cold turkey and I feel like a@@! Flu like, and I have to go to work, act like im fine, inside I wanna stab everyone in the face! (Not a suggestion for you! Hee hee) stay strong, you'll get thru! Good luck...it will get better
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