Aa
For the newly clean and those still using...
First of all, please excuse the length of this post. I do tend to drone on, even when I'm not full of opiates ;)
I’ve been lurking here (and actually posted a few times a long time ago) for about a year and a half. I’ve found a lot of information and opinion, most of it helpful, some of it not so much. I am on about my fourth cold turkey off of vicodin (lortab mainly, a perc when that was all that was available – always scared to try anything that I had never been prescribed before, which kept me away from morphine, etc. and I absolutely did not want to upgrade to the oxy zone.) Anyway, tapering never works for me, so it’s always ct; this time, I jumped off of about 100-150 mg. a day. Today is day 5.
My main reason for posting here is to share my experience and possibly give hope to those on day 1 or 2 but mostly to those who are still using and absolutely panicked at the thought of w/d’s. I know I was.
Previous ct attempts have been mixed as far as w/d’s (and obviously I never stuck with it, because frankly I wasn’t ready to. I think I am now, but am humble enough to say I really can’t be 100% sure.)
For the last couple weeks that I was using, more often than not I was miserable. Anxiety was horrible, I was depressed (one of the reasons I started abusing – of course I got the pills for legitimate pain but found if I took a couple, they blew all the antidepressants I’ve ever tried right out of the water.) Just seeing the supply running low could make me start to feel w/d’s – now how strange is that little mind trick?
Anyway, I was completely out by Monday night, so decided my ct would start Tuesday. I spent most of the day in bed feeling sorry for myself and waiting for the w/d’s to kick into high gear. I have a prescription medicine for chronic diarrhea due to IBS, so that’s not usually a problem. The last time I ct’d, I was flat on my back in bed with what felt like the worst cold ever; runny nose, burning eyes, hacking cough, etc. This time not so much. I’d been taking Advil PM for sleep, so maybe the diphenhydramine helped that. I’ve never had much of a problem with RLS, but I did start to get the ‘heebie-jeebies’ – the best way I know how to describe it is my skin feels like it’s itching. From the inside.
At about hour 23, I decided (rationalized) that I would do much better when I had my Klonopin, which was due to be refilled within the next few days. So I called my connection to see if they would spot me some (of course, I was broke) but they were out but might be able to get something from one of their connections the next day. So I called my other connection who only lets a few percs go now and then because they actually use them correctly for legitimate pain. I was able to get 5 5mg percs.
The next day wasn’t so bad, because I thought the other connection would come thru (isn’t it odd how when you know something’s coming, you almost feel like you’ve already had some – another fun mind trick.) But I found out early in the day that their connection wouldn’t have anything until the next week. So ok, I’m screwed and the ct begins again. But I find the Klonopin scrip has been filled so I got that.
Now I have been taking benzos (Xanax until about a year ago, when I switched to Klonopin) for anxiety and sleep issues for years without a problem. In fact, a bottle of 30 would last me a few months (if my benzo addicted ex boyfriend didn’t get hold of them, that is.) The first time I ct’d I got some Klonopin from someone and hit them pretty hard for the first few days. That w/d was relatively mild. The other 2 were pretty bad. But now is day 5 and I’ve not felt much of any kind of w/d. Oh, some rebound pain, nothing severe, none of the flu like symptoms (still taking the diphenhydramine, now in Benedryl, at night for help with sleep.) The first day I hit the Klonopin really hard but then tapered back. I have no idea why this time was so different. I read the horror stories here and I actually feel guilty that I did not have a rougher time. I feel like I deserve it for how stupid I’ve been over these dang pills. I went to the grocery store yesterday, last time I don’t think I could have made it to the mailbox on day 4. Sure, I have cravings, but I don’t expect any of the physical stuff to start at this point, but I know the mental can be brutal and I’m working on that now.
So basically my points are: everyone’s experience is different and I’ve also found that most of the time the dread of something was actually much worse than the experience itself. And I know some of you are hating me right now because you’re in the throes of misery and I got off easy for some reason. I don’t blame you a bit.
Since everyone’s experience is different it follows that different things work for different people. The best advice I can give is to keep reading this forum, you will find some great ideas and support but frankly, you will also find a few holier-than-thou attitudes and also some people who think ‘tough love’ is the way to support. Which is one of the reasons I stopped posting long ago. I’ve been through the 12 step stuff with my ex and know that would never work for me. I know it has helped many people and I’m happy for them, it’s just not for me. There are many methods and much advice out there and you will find what works for you. I’ve read some things on here that terrified me – such as if you don’t commit today to never ever using again you will not be successful. Wow, that’s a hard one to live up to. I quit smoking 6 years ago and for months and months when people would ask if I was still not smoking I’d say something like I’m not smoking today (I know, variation on the one day at a time principle.) But I had to do it that way or I never would have had the courage to lay the cigarettes down. I also read recently read a post by someone long time clean (and I’m very sure they had the best intentions and were trying to help) that said they did not feel normal again until 18 months later. 18 months??? My God, when I read that I thought I have to wait 18 months to feel better? I’d rather keep using and just die. But that doesn’t have to be your experience. And maybe they were looking back over the 18 months and realized how far they had come and I’m sure they did feel different at 18 months than at 3 months, etc. Don’t let things like that discourage you. I’m on day 5 and I feel pretty normal, a heck of a lot more normal than I did a few weeks ago when I was using so heavily. And I’m sure it will keep getting better. But there are going to be hard times – when I quit smoking there were a few things that I couldn’t do for awhile, because I associated them so much with smoking. But it eventually got better.
I guess I’ll close with something I read many years ago and I’m sorry I don’t know the author or the name of the work but it was about a woman who was I believe trying to decide whether or not to go for an advanced degree. She discussed it with a professor and he told her “Well, the next two years will go by anyway.” At first she thought his answer flip and uncaring. But she later realized he was right – the next two years will go by whether she went for the degree or not. And at the end of those two years, wouldn’t she rather have this accomplishment than being two years older and still where she is today? I think about that story in a lot of situations in my life but I think it’s particularly meaningful for those of us who are struggling with sobriety. The next two years (or two days or two weeks) are going to go by anyway, where do you want to be at the end of them?
Peace,
Kate
I’ve been lurking here (and actually posted a few times a long time ago) for about a year and a half. I’ve found a lot of information and opinion, most of it helpful, some of it not so much. I am on about my fourth cold turkey off of vicodin (lortab mainly, a perc when that was all that was available – always scared to try anything that I had never been prescribed before, which kept me away from morphine, etc. and I absolutely did not want to upgrade to the oxy zone.) Anyway, tapering never works for me, so it’s always ct; this time, I jumped off of about 100-150 mg. a day. Today is day 5.
My main reason for posting here is to share my experience and possibly give hope to those on day 1 or 2 but mostly to those who are still using and absolutely panicked at the thought of w/d’s. I know I was.
Previous ct attempts have been mixed as far as w/d’s (and obviously I never stuck with it, because frankly I wasn’t ready to. I think I am now, but am humble enough to say I really can’t be 100% sure.)
For the last couple weeks that I was using, more often than not I was miserable. Anxiety was horrible, I was depressed (one of the reasons I started abusing – of course I got the pills for legitimate pain but found if I took a couple, they blew all the antidepressants I’ve ever tried right out of the water.) Just seeing the supply running low could make me start to feel w/d’s – now how strange is that little mind trick?
Anyway, I was completely out by Monday night, so decided my ct would start Tuesday. I spent most of the day in bed feeling sorry for myself and waiting for the w/d’s to kick into high gear. I have a prescription medicine for chronic diarrhea due to IBS, so that’s not usually a problem. The last time I ct’d, I was flat on my back in bed with what felt like the worst cold ever; runny nose, burning eyes, hacking cough, etc. This time not so much. I’d been taking Advil PM for sleep, so maybe the diphenhydramine helped that. I’ve never had much of a problem with RLS, but I did start to get the ‘heebie-jeebies’ – the best way I know how to describe it is my skin feels like it’s itching. From the inside.
At about hour 23, I decided (rationalized) that I would do much better when I had my Klonopin, which was due to be refilled within the next few days. So I called my connection to see if they would spot me some (of course, I was broke) but they were out but might be able to get something from one of their connections the next day. So I called my other connection who only lets a few percs go now and then because they actually use them correctly for legitimate pain. I was able to get 5 5mg percs.
The next day wasn’t so bad, because I thought the other connection would come thru (isn’t it odd how when you know something’s coming, you almost feel like you’ve already had some – another fun mind trick.) But I found out early in the day that their connection wouldn’t have anything until the next week. So ok, I’m screwed and the ct begins again. But I find the Klonopin scrip has been filled so I got that.
Now I have been taking benzos (Xanax until about a year ago, when I switched to Klonopin) for anxiety and sleep issues for years without a problem. In fact, a bottle of 30 would last me a few months (if my benzo addicted ex boyfriend didn’t get hold of them, that is.) The first time I ct’d I got some Klonopin from someone and hit them pretty hard for the first few days. That w/d was relatively mild. The other 2 were pretty bad. But now is day 5 and I’ve not felt much of any kind of w/d. Oh, some rebound pain, nothing severe, none of the flu like symptoms (still taking the diphenhydramine, now in Benedryl, at night for help with sleep.) The first day I hit the Klonopin really hard but then tapered back. I have no idea why this time was so different. I read the horror stories here and I actually feel guilty that I did not have a rougher time. I feel like I deserve it for how stupid I’ve been over these dang pills. I went to the grocery store yesterday, last time I don’t think I could have made it to the mailbox on day 4. Sure, I have cravings, but I don’t expect any of the physical stuff to start at this point, but I know the mental can be brutal and I’m working on that now.
So basically my points are: everyone’s experience is different and I’ve also found that most of the time the dread of something was actually much worse than the experience itself. And I know some of you are hating me right now because you’re in the throes of misery and I got off easy for some reason. I don’t blame you a bit.
Since everyone’s experience is different it follows that different things work for different people. The best advice I can give is to keep reading this forum, you will find some great ideas and support but frankly, you will also find a few holier-than-thou attitudes and also some people who think ‘tough love’ is the way to support. Which is one of the reasons I stopped posting long ago. I’ve been through the 12 step stuff with my ex and know that would never work for me. I know it has helped many people and I’m happy for them, it’s just not for me. There are many methods and much advice out there and you will find what works for you. I’ve read some things on here that terrified me – such as if you don’t commit today to never ever using again you will not be successful. Wow, that’s a hard one to live up to. I quit smoking 6 years ago and for months and months when people would ask if I was still not smoking I’d say something like I’m not smoking today (I know, variation on the one day at a time principle.) But I had to do it that way or I never would have had the courage to lay the cigarettes down. I also read recently read a post by someone long time clean (and I’m very sure they had the best intentions and were trying to help) that said they did not feel normal again until 18 months later. 18 months??? My God, when I read that I thought I have to wait 18 months to feel better? I’d rather keep using and just die. But that doesn’t have to be your experience. And maybe they were looking back over the 18 months and realized how far they had come and I’m sure they did feel different at 18 months than at 3 months, etc. Don’t let things like that discourage you. I’m on day 5 and I feel pretty normal, a heck of a lot more normal than I did a few weeks ago when I was using so heavily. And I’m sure it will keep getting better. But there are going to be hard times – when I quit smoking there were a few things that I couldn’t do for awhile, because I associated them so much with smoking. But it eventually got better.
I guess I’ll close with something I read many years ago and I’m sorry I don’t know the author or the name of the work but it was about a woman who was I believe trying to decide whether or not to go for an advanced degree. She discussed it with a professor and he told her “Well, the next two years will go by anyway.” At first she thought his answer flip and uncaring. But she later realized he was right – the next two years will go by whether she went for the degree or not. And at the end of those two years, wouldn’t she rather have this accomplishment than being two years older and still where she is today? I think about that story in a lot of situations in my life but I think it’s particularly meaningful for those of us who are struggling with sobriety. The next two years (or two days or two weeks) are going to go by anyway, where do you want to be at the end of them?
Peace,
Kate
Hi Kris,
You sound a lot like me and I truly hope you find what works for you. The story about the lady on the cell phone -- for months I've been looking at people on the street, on tv, etc. and envying them thinking that they can do all these normal things and not have to constantly be thinking of the next pill. It makes me angry at myself and sad at the same time, because I used to be like them. I make a pretty good living and used to be able to pretty much buy whatever I wanted (within reason, no Ferrari's or anything like that.) That's another thing that has me angry with myself, all the money that's gone into pills, since of course my monthly scrip usually wouldn't last a whole week. But anger motivates me, so if that's what it takes to stay away from the pills, so be it. Good luck to both of us and feel free to message me anytime.
Peace,
Kate
You sound a lot like me and I truly hope you find what works for you. The story about the lady on the cell phone -- for months I've been looking at people on the street, on tv, etc. and envying them thinking that they can do all these normal things and not have to constantly be thinking of the next pill. It makes me angry at myself and sad at the same time, because I used to be like them. I make a pretty good living and used to be able to pretty much buy whatever I wanted (within reason, no Ferrari's or anything like that.) That's another thing that has me angry with myself, all the money that's gone into pills, since of course my monthly scrip usually wouldn't last a whole week. But anger motivates me, so if that's what it takes to stay away from the pills, so be it. Good luck to both of us and feel free to message me anytime.
Peace,
Kate
Thanks for your comments. I know many people have been helped by NA or group or individual therapy, but they're not for me. Everything I've accomplished in life, I've done on my own terms out of sheer determination, and only when I was truly ready. That includes quitting smoking, coming back from two life threatening illnesses which left me on life support (the last one resulting in a 3 week stay in a Nursing Home for physical therapy in order to be able to walk again.) I know what my issues are, depression being the biggest trigger and since my last opiate 7 days ago, I've exercised every day which I didn't do before. I'm also a loner and tend to isolate, so I'm making a big effort to get out with friends and family. I'm also eating better, since I am diabetic and blood sugar issues could trigger more depression (and now since my money can go to food instead of pills, I should be able to keep that in check better.) I do realize I need to make these changes and continue them or yes, everything will probably stay the same and I'll be back on the pills.
Peace,
Kate
Peace,
Kate
Very well said..I am on day 20 of an addiction to vicodin~I have tried many times to quit..tappered which is not for me I am not strong enough. The best is the ct method for me. I also have tried CT several times and have given in. Now I have to agree with you with all my being that this time is very different. Physically it has been so much worse for me during the wds why is it different this time???. I do feel guilty however I think it has alot to do with how you percieve this mentally. I am done living life daily as a drug addict. I am done being a drug addict mother. I am done being a drug addict wife. I am done being a drug addict. When I first quit on like day 1 or 2 I was driving and saw some lady in her car laughing while on the phone. I was so envious of her thinking she was having this great conversation laughing ..talking on the phone more than likely "cleaner than a whisle". Here I was sitting staring at her wishing to be in her. Some things stick with you and for whatever reason this event has stuck to me (watching this lady)
I like the way you think of it as today I am not a smoker...I like that very much and am approaching this this way. I have a hard time bringing myself to go into a support group setting for reasons I am not sure with. However I worry that the amount of time I spend NOT BEING AN addict is equal to the amount of time I spend being an addict. I know that is very hard to understand and I might not have gotten my thought into words correctly. I do realize that some people are very successful with a support group but I do not know if it is for me. I do not knock anybody for thier approach to thier own recovery but I am trying to find mine. I have found great support and I do not know if I could have been this successful without this site. Im angry that I have aloud this to take as much away from me and my family. I understand that I will never be able to take an opiote without that searching for that buzz I only got in the beginning of this addiction. For this reason I will forever be addicted to opiotes.
Like I wrote above it is funny how some things just stick with you~When my oldest son was a baby I found a pediatrician that I just loved! He was new to the field about 10 years in and once told my husband and I he started med school when he was 38. We thought wow...that was kinda old to start such a long adventure. We even told him this. He too told us the same thing....In 8 years I am going to be here..will it be with or without a degree? So when we look at things that are long term goals we think this same thought. My husband has "joined" me in this addiction as well as we went CT together...it really could not have been any other way. When it would get tough mentally or physically he would say...This is only for a moment! It really is.
I could go on and on....Thank You for sharing your story and I hope that you continue with your mind set. The human mind is very powerful
Kris
I like the way you think of it as today I am not a smoker...I like that very much and am approaching this this way. I have a hard time bringing myself to go into a support group setting for reasons I am not sure with. However I worry that the amount of time I spend NOT BEING AN addict is equal to the amount of time I spend being an addict. I know that is very hard to understand and I might not have gotten my thought into words correctly. I do realize that some people are very successful with a support group but I do not know if it is for me. I do not knock anybody for thier approach to thier own recovery but I am trying to find mine. I have found great support and I do not know if I could have been this successful without this site. Im angry that I have aloud this to take as much away from me and my family. I understand that I will never be able to take an opiote without that searching for that buzz I only got in the beginning of this addiction. For this reason I will forever be addicted to opiotes.
Like I wrote above it is funny how some things just stick with you~When my oldest son was a baby I found a pediatrician that I just loved! He was new to the field about 10 years in and once told my husband and I he started med school when he was 38. We thought wow...that was kinda old to start such a long adventure. We even told him this. He too told us the same thing....In 8 years I am going to be here..will it be with or without a degree? So when we look at things that are long term goals we think this same thought. My husband has "joined" me in this addiction as well as we went CT together...it really could not have been any other way. When it would get tough mentally or physically he would say...This is only for a moment! It really is.
I could go on and on....Thank You for sharing your story and I hope that you continue with your mind set. The human mind is very powerful
Kris
gnarly is right...NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES...you have to deal with the reasons you use drugs to ever get past them...even if you started out with legit pain, at some point you start to abuse for a reason!!! Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result!!!
HI Kate....I guess my only question is what are you going to do different this time around
to help prevent relapse ....you said this is your 4th time around with this it dosent have to be this way....I know aftercare may seam optional to many but it seams to be the deciding factor in staying clean......getting clean is ez its just a week or so of pain...staying clean is what takes the work....you need to work down to the root issues of what drives you to use in the first place....please try and get some help this time around...good luck and God bless......Gnarly
to help prevent relapse ....you said this is your 4th time around with this it dosent have to be this way....I know aftercare may seam optional to many but it seams to be the deciding factor in staying clean......getting clean is ez its just a week or so of pain...staying clean is what takes the work....you need to work down to the root issues of what drives you to use in the first place....please try and get some help this time around...good luck and God bless......Gnarly
Thanks for your comments and congrats on 50 days! I'm still feeling better physically than I have in a long time. Funny thing, when I was using, I felt like I needed the pills to function, to do my job. Well I am actually thinking much more clearly now and am more focused than I ever was on the pills. In fact, I've looked at a few emails and such that were written when I was using and the mistakes are embarassing. And of course I thought at the time that the pills made me more productive and smarter - hah!
I'm still dealing with cravings; actually it feels exactly like the cigarette cravings I had 6 years ago. Just like an empty hole somewhere in my chest/stomach region that can't be filled with anything. In fact, the vicodin kind of became a substitute for cigarettes - when I would normally come home after a day at work and relax with a cigarette, suddenly I started 'relaxing' with a few vics. I only hope I don't replace the opiate addiction with another one; but at least I'm aware, so hopefully that will help.
Peace,
Kate
I'm still dealing with cravings; actually it feels exactly like the cigarette cravings I had 6 years ago. Just like an empty hole somewhere in my chest/stomach region that can't be filled with anything. In fact, the vicodin kind of became a substitute for cigarettes - when I would normally come home after a day at work and relax with a cigarette, suddenly I started 'relaxing' with a few vics. I only hope I don't replace the opiate addiction with another one; but at least I'm aware, so hopefully that will help.
Peace,
Kate
Amen Karl! "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." Truer words were never spoken.
Peace,
Kate
Peace,
Kate
Thank you for telling your story , You are right that there are real differences in how our body and mind handles the absence of the drugs. As in our choices as far as recovery goes also. Alot of what I read at first made me feel the same way. "We can't do this alone" was the scariest besides the fear of the wd's. But here I am 50 days into this and I Feel great. God Bless you and let's keep moving forward!
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