i think i did hit the bottom

[RastaP]

I really do think i hit the bottom and i sure am glad.  Right now i dont even wanna think about touching any drug every again..ever ever again.  I feel terrible about this.  I have done alot alot of bad bad things, and I have been so messed up for so long to realize it. I'm only 19 i feel like i'm 50. I did way too many things i can't belive i didnt even think i was going to die... it did cross my mind a few times but i never had that bad of an experience i guess until last time. it made me realize how dirty drugs are.. i never really thought of these things as hard drugs either now i am realizing they are.  What is a "hard" drug then? man i am nieve... at least i'm realizing it. i feel like i've grown up so much in these past few days.  I'm miserably sick i think it's god or someones version of grounding me.. i've never been grounded before. haha not even by my parents..i could do what i want. bad idea mom and dad look what happened!!! i did meth for heavens sake.  I wanna find faith in something i do. i think it would really help me alot.I'm not sure if i belive in god... or any of those things though i come from a christian family but i was never taught anything about it or baptized... all these crazy drugs i've done have given me some crazyyyyy ideas about things crazy ones haha. i really really wanna turn my life around.. for me and my cat and my family. It is going to be rough rough rough. I think that this pnemonia is going to help because i cant doo anything at all.. it'll be like my cage for awhile. I'll probably need one with like 13 locks on it too. i dont understand why i have to take such risks. i think i'm one of those people that need to sky dive or something haha. weird.. I cant wait to be free for real. I'm going to go to school, and I'm going to start ballet again.. because i reallly love it alot alot alot alot!! what if i'm too fat when i get better oh great. i cannot worry about that. I don't know why i care i've lost alotof weight in like 4 days and i cannot do that cant think my head hurts from coughing and my ears are ringing. but annnnnnnnywwayyyys, now that i've typed every thought in my head i must lay down my mind was going crazy for awhile there.  I'm seriously actually doing this because those drugs they make me really sick and they make me not care.. they make me not feel they make me not live. My life was like a TV show to me i think.. like i was watching from a distance or something and life and death wasn't a thing maybe like i could start over or rewind.. i guess i took it for granted. and i AM NOT going to do that again. because that night i took that bad bad x i sat there and i cried my "best" friend wouldnt stay with me even though i was bawling telling her everyone was going to die. shes not my friend not at all a friend wouldnt leave you when your that sick. I thought about my family getting a call from the hospital saying i died from an ecstacy overdose. they would be so disappointed.  i would be embarrassed if i could. They would blame themselves. MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE. they dont really know me.... they thought i was clean now... that makes me so sad. how could i treat the people that love me so badly.. so badly. I can't blame it on the drugs it was all my choices. how could a person do that to someone.  I have cut everyone out of my life to hide it too. except for my stupid friends that are gunna die too because they arent gunna stop. I dont think they realize the extent of what i felt that night it was soooooooo painful i couldnt even handle it. I dont think anyone belives me.  I think they think i am exagerating i dont even think you can do that. I was giving up i just though as f**k it i just wanna get this over with i need to like die or something. I was gunna drive to the hospital i had my blinker on to turn there. then i realized how much trouble i would get in for driving there.  All I can say is never ever again will i do something like that.  I feel so stupid for it. I do everything to the extreme too and that is not a good combination to have with drugs... bad combo. :( well i'm done rambling because i'm sure everytime i post something everyone rolls their eyes at me cuz i'm a crazy fool so... good night i'm too sick need sleep i'm pitiful..i did it to myself.. oh yeah and i'm REALLY feelin all that x i did.. great idea. not.

[gizzy32]

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You get great advice here, but if you don't listen and think you can do this alone your in big trouble. I really do think you need to tell your parents, ask for help. I said from your first post here, hanging around those that use will bring you back. Most of us here have had to make changes to stay clean so come up with a plan and stick to it. Your so young and if you continue on this road, life will get so much worse so nip this now, I know you can. Stay strong Rasta, your not giving up and that is great to hear. Get some type of aftercare, I think an addiction counsellor would do you wonders, it's your life we are talking about here.

[worried878]

get to some meetings in ur area...aftercare is the key,,this is sumpin u need ongoing support for..dont kid urself ad think u can do this alone..put all the balls in ur court and seek some aftercare...as time goes on..it just isnt so much fun anymore and relapse is apt to happen..cover ur bases...all of the..and keep posting

[RastaP]

i dont even wanna take a pill ever again i can tell you that. I've never felt so much pain and sickness in my entire life i didnt know it was possible. I am soooo glad it happened its like my training wheels rights now. i have to keep that night fresh in my mind and i believe in myself that i can do it. i wasnt close to letting go before thats for sure but i sure am ready now i just want it to be gone right now... its the beginning though. oh boy my cat sure is happy i'm here to love her though that makes me feel nice

[worried878]

like eagle..i kinda thought u were not even close to being ready to letting go..but it seems u r..i am convinced after ur post...and i see no reason for u to bother and lie to us...as nuber one we r all addicts/most anyway/and number 2..what would be the point?  i do know this forum is a great place to be/along with some meetings in ur area///u r way too young to let ur life go down the sewr pipes//get out now as this situation never gets better less u stop and remover urself from the whole yucky scene..keep posting

[RastaP]

thank you so much for giving me such advice. I really need it right now.  i can't wait to go to school and stuff :) I will actually take it seriously too this time. i dropped out before it started this fall... i am glad because i would have been bad news bears in college. but i'm still clean today i dont even have any idea how many days this is because this week has been a sleepy blur. i'll figure that out

[nursegirl6572]

Your story is encouraging...and I truly hope you find your "way" now that you've had your bottom.

I just want to share something with you (and anyone else reading)...about "the worst possible outcome".  Many people abusing drugs feel "Invinsible"...."nothing will happen to ME"!  Then, in their minds, the "worst possible outcome" is death.  Let me tell you, that as bad as that is...it isn't the worst possible outcome.  EVERYDAY I work with "the worst possible outcome:.

YOUNG people struck down in the prime of their lives, or in their teens...drug OD's, purposeful or not.  They are in the Nursing Home I work in....most of them on ventilators with trachs, completely unable to communicate or have any idea that this is how they ended up...bedsores, diapers, feeding tubes.  TRAGIC is what it is.  These people's loved ones are left to have to visit their family/friends like that...every day....that person just forever changed, with no hope of EVER returning.  It is awful, heartbreaking really.  To go into these people's room, and look at the pictures of them...how they USED to be makes me literally cry.  It's horrid.

So....if that sheds some light on things...and I hope it does....maybe people will begin to realize that their are ALL sorts of horrible outcomes as a result of playing with fire.  Even the most "seasoned" drug user can run into trouble unexpectedly.  And, soooo sadly, it carries a lifetime of consequences.  

Best of luck to you, hon...and to everyone....that the rock bottom leads you to a life that you deserve.  Sure, it will be rough for a while, but Lord, will it be worth it.  Then, you can live a full and productive life...and die in your sleep, fulfilled, at 100 years old....the way it SHOULD be.  My thoughts and well wishes are with you.

[troubleinohio]

well im not gonna sit here and split hairs with you on the parent issue, if you dont want to tell them , then youre not gonna and thats that. I dont RECOMMEND that way, but hey at least you said youre "gonna do it" and get clean on your own. It will be harder that way, but it can still be done. if you do get thru this without telling your parents, i think they will realize what has happened anyways. They will notice a huge change in you and they probably already suspect/know you have been abusing drugs again anyways but are scared to push the subject any further right now since youve denied it. Anyhow, all this aside, Im so happy to hear you really want to get clean. and btw, you got one thing right:     that wasnt living.....

you were dying. simple as that.  

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Trying to do it all alone will make only it harder. The only way to get out of the hole is to first stop digging it deeper. Then it will fill back in.

[10356]

You know what they would feel Raspa if you went to them..... Finally our daughter is back !!~ not the stranger that made up all the lies..... They miss you honey and it sounds like you have missed yourself.. drop the friends go home and find yourself.. you should be looking for the joys in life that uplift and feed your mind spirit and body.. not the ones that are destroying you.... Be kind to yourself and welcome to reality.. where flowers smell good a hug is that a show of affection.. where a breeze is felt and the bird song is heard.. I give a hug to you now as nobody can do it alone... lesa

[RastaP]

I feel sort of embarrased to tell my parents.. i think that they will be very very upset. well i know they wont be mad but i will feel like i've failed them. I've been  caught many times by them they offered  help and i didnt take it i just stayed away and hid it better and made a thicker wall between us. I just dug myself deeper and deeper into a hole. they suspected it again and i denied and shot them down.  I can't come clean about it. it is so hard. Everything thats me is a lie thats basically what i'm saying to them. how do you do that i can't crush them again. I denied my problems before. how can i come clean now it's very hard.  I just wanna do it all alone i think that they'll make it harder or something

[ForgotRomans828]

Maybe the GOD that you are not sure of is knocking at your door.
I have a 15 year old son and a 12 year old daughter.  If they ever came to me and said, "Mom," I am struggling with drugs and want to get off them, I would sweep them into my arms and get them the best help, support, care that money could buy; and trust me, I don't have a lot, but they are everything to me.  You aptly pointed out that your life has been a lie, and they, (your parents) think you are clean.  Now is your chance to get real and come clean.  ..."and the truth will set you free."    Troubleinohio said it the best, your parents, should you push the envelope too far, would be irreconcilably devestated.  
It is not nuts that you realize you are jeoporadizing your life, it is because you are profoundly wise and obviously an intellegent young lady to recognize the reality.  Don't question your wisdom in this discovery, but use your energy to plot your course to health, help, support and your future.  My thoughts and prayers are with you young one.

[RastaP]

this is really weird.. I think that i havent thought a real thought for a really really really lonnnngg time. I am actually excited to get them out of my life. I'm way too sick of them they are no even fun at all.  i wanna experience real things! :) and i used to think that people that didnt do drugs were weird because they were missin out on so much and they didn't know what its like to experience this highs the intense happiness what body highs and thingss.... but no i know that that is not living.  I used to think why wouldnt you do drugs they are experiences that you should experience because i wanted to feel every experience i could... i'm so wierd. And i was always like not everyone gets to be strug out or get to see zebras in the kitchen everyday..weirdo.  But now i realize that this i crazy talk.. and i think that happiness sadness joy love and real experiences that i need to experience to grow as a real person outside of the drugs.. a  real person that is not made up of drugs thats thoughts aren't consumed of that garbage.  It really is garbage. Why do i realize this all of a sudden this is nuts

[broknbck]

outotown had it right. you realize yourself that your friends are not what you thought they were. but your parents will keep loving you and you can trust them. i know, i am a parent.
so we cannot expect to take all these drugs and not damage our brains. you are trying to sort out things and sounds like you realize that your thinking is a bit crazy??
things will get clearer and clearer if you give your brain some good care, like sleep, good foods, and stay away from any drugs. do not take any advice from the "friends" that are taking them. their thinking is all screwed up.
you are so young and do not damage your brain anymore. we only get one brain.
you are one of the lucky ones and this is your chance. take it!!

[TysonRed]

Just remember its not how hard and fast we fall but rather how we get up and fight is how we are best judged. So get up and dust yourself off and really concentrate on figuring out what your priorities in life are. I know our families endure so much but they also are the first to forgive you and help you move on. You know none of your family members would have left you that upset, they would have stuck it out with you and gotten you some help. Those are the kind of people you need to surround yourself with, whether its family members or "real" friends, not our friends that we get high with. You already recognize the fact that you have a problem so now comes the time that you figure out your best course of correcting the situation. A key part of my recovery has been finding the root of the problems that cause me to use. Ive found out that there are many different reasons and triggers that I have to recognize and deal with, without turning to drugs to avoid the stresses that life throws our way. It sounds like you have ballet that could keep you occupied and happy,not to mention the health benefits that would come with that kind of excercise. Sometimes it takes a really bad experience for us to finally say enough is enough, I hoping that your at that point and are truely ready to quit and move on with your life. We are all here routing for you, you know you can come and post anytime, if theres anything I myself can help with by all means feel free to hit me up. I really wish you all the luck in the world, try to stay positive about recovery and you can be one of the success stories. You take care of yourself.

[outotown]

You just described me at your only xct was not out yet my DOC was PPC and acid I had many bad trips, i had too leave the house becouse i was tripn and wanted too see what it was like too kill somone guess who i was going to see what it was like on. MY FAMILY, and yes there is a GOD thats what turned me around when i was younger, i had broke into nine different houses and stores, was arested twice and one thing i still cant bring myself to tell, i would still be in prison if i had got cought, and if i had not gotten hurt real bad at work i would not have gotten on these pain pills, if i knew that it would have released all those endorphins and got me back on drugs i would have never took one. Also when i was young i could detox much easier than now. PLEASE PLEASE STAY ON HERE AND TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU NEED HELP LOVE & SUPPORT THEY WILL GIVE IT TO YOU AND SO WILL WE!!!!

[troubleinohio]

no, im not rolling my eyes. This is the first post Ive seen from you where I believe you may actually have some true realization of whats going on and that maybe, just maybe you are ready to truly quit. I know you're very young, and most young people feel invincible and dont believe they will die from their actions. Next time youre up late and cant sleep (maybe later tonight?), do some Google searches. Research "teen drug death" or "fatal teen overdose" and words like that. Read the stories you find. in fact here is one site i just looked up and found for you. It has a bunch of personal stories told from both addicts and some from their parents, friends, doctors, etc. It looks like it may be a great place for you to read about this stuff.

http://www.drugstory.org/feature/personal_stories.asp

I'll leave you with that for now. I wish you well.
PS- your post said that your parents would be "disappointed" if they got a call saying your were dead. Disappointed??? How about DEVASTATED BEYOND REPAIR FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES?  that is more accurate, hon.

[Totsie59]

Hon, your story reminds me of my sons life. He will turn 32 soon (old to you). He started with weed at maybe 14, he smoked and drank some..When he moved out of my house he started doing so many bad drugs, He lost everything. His wife, his baby boy, his job, his car, I mean EVERYTHING. He has been to rehab (some court ordered) we even left him in county jail for 6 months, hoping it may help. It didn't. Then he spent about 17 months in a drug related lock up. Like I say he is now nearly 32 and just getting his life back together..just think "32". he has 3 sons, by 3 different women. 1 he can't even see. 1 he has supervised visitation (at my home) every other weekend, the other 1, his mom is a drug dealer, she don't care. He has NOTHING..Thats not what you want...Life can be good without drugs..drug use only get worse and worse....it can't get better..Please try to clean it up now..You sound like you want help..ask for it, beg for it..find new friends..A clean life is so worth living..Hey you have youth on your side. Can you go to your parents? Hang in there..

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Rasta - I really cant tell you how good it is to see ya post again like that.  I was truely afraid that we had lost you - you will find people here that understand and that can give you some good advice and be available for support. Funny that you mention crazy sky divers - guess what one of my hobbies was? Thats right. I have wondered a few times about the thrill seeking part of the equation. I would heartily endorse that you go fling yourself out of an airplane - its a real rush! And there is nothing fake about it. There are a lot of things like that around. Sure beats a pill thrill. And just think about it - if you got into ballet with as much enthusiasm as you got into getting buzzed you might just end up in the Big Apple doing shows - that would be great!!  Look forward to getting a progress report from you - - I just finished a bout with pnuemonia myself....it came quite close to killing me - and I mean close. Like ER and life support close. Dont underestimate the stuff ...... take care of yourself - - good to hear from you - - -   eagle

[10356]

I meant to say you will not find a true friend in drug buddies as when times get rough.. they get going... take care

[10356]

Hey Raspa.. I'm an old drug addict with many complications due to drugs.. I was a junkie at 16.. I hear the pain in your words.. when looking for love companionship comradeship and acceptance.. You will only find that with friends who use drugs while things are not going well.. then you are on your own.. drug addiction is a lie.. our whole life's our lies.. we hurt ourselves and those we love.. You are young yet.. you have your health.. you have a family that loves and trust you.. you even have a talent in the arts.. so many things to be grateful for.. If you continue to experiment and take it to the extreme.. you are right you will die or become addicted to one of the drugs and be the walking dead.. You sound intelligent.. where you are headed is a dead end.. why not live.. saying no.. making new friends.. becoming involved in the community.. with your family.. or school.. any and all of these things are healthier choices.. I just really hope you have hit your bottom as with mine.. it requires blood work every 3mo. to make sure I even function properly.. so do yourself your family and cat a favor.. live the life you were meant to.. feed your spirit with beauty and love.. we all have a path that fits us.. find yours.. I wish you all the best.. warmly lesa