Sorry, fell off for 4 months, devastated,depressed

[bugsy89735]

Hello all, well I see some familiar names and I feel ashamed, I fell off again and this time instead of using pain management ,I used the black market and thats expensive! I am presently in my 2nd day of detox and feeling every wave AGAIN!! My problem is not seeking outside help and going to meetings, I am in big denial at the moment and hate myself when iam NOT using? Is that bizarre, no its normal, but my mood falters, and my desire and initiative is gone when I am straight? I am very depressed and have to fight to change, its very annoying and hurts to live in this MIND! I went cold turkey about 10 months ago for  the 30th time and stayed clean for 4 months but I HATED life, every day was a drag to wake up , I tried all the remedys here and honestly , nothing helped, day after dat went by and I kept waiting to feel nbetter BUT it NEVER came, so therefore I started using again and got some of my life back, energy, feeling happy etc!!!!!!!!!! So, here I go again for ??????time, and I here for words of encouragement as well as companionship, My wife knows all about it and so does my daught who is a PAC at a local ER, oh I am a RN as well and should know better, but after 4 back surgerys with 2 fusions and now needing a knee replacement ,I REALLY do live in pain but the issue is I abuse the pain meds they give me, I just dont know how to take 1 pill at a time, Oh one more reality wake up, my best friend of 15 years just overdosed and lost his life on methadone and benzo'/s...............UGH,,I am tired now and thanks for reading and take care!!   Bugz

[bugsy89735]

thanks for the support,,bugz

[fuzzypeach796]

Me too buddy. ................pain killers take care sweet heart

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude welcome back good to see you although I wish it where on better terms....addiction will bring you down any chance it can it lays in waiting for us to reason ourselfs into just one more pill.....thinking it will be different this time around it rarely is....im always sorry to here of a relapse it just means the addiction is wining but it dosent have to be this way ...I am not going t get on a pedestal and preach to you....all im going to say is most  us cant do this alone
so aftercare is critical to long term sobriety working as an rn you probably have great health ins most cover out pacent drug therapy there are laws that keep everything confidential
if not that hit one of the meetings N/A and A/A offer great programs that work for many of our members...the key here is get the help you need to stay clean  you have proved you can get clean but will power isent enough...will be here to walk this out with you I truly want to see you succeed good luck and God bless.......Gnarly    

[hampton1982]

dont feel to down o yourself im sure most of us had many relapese doesnt mean you are never going to kick this habit, you gotta just keep on trying and one day you will do it xxx