Old Timer Friends (or whoever) this Older One needs some hard core slaps!!!!

[VICourageous]

I sure hope this brings out some of the Older ones I have known on here for over a couple of yrs now. I think I have 2 yrs and almost 6 months??? As a long time user off & on, using this or that until the last 12 was the Methadone and the other med mix, I have been OK. A user for over 40 yrs is a hard one to come back..
It will be a yr this month of the loss of my Mom and it has been the past 2months of my Dad & Dog and Father-in-Law. I feel OK about this but sad. I still cry over my Boy alot. His sister Summer Rain has not been the same and is not to nice to Moose her other brother, we took in that was my Moms dog. Then when I had that Heart Procedure it really rocked my boat. I have been feeling sick a bit because of the meds, so I am fixing that.

NOW the BIG problem is that the Brain Dr did tell me it would take a couple of yrs for my brain to flip back over from a drug brain to a real brain. I am telling YOU he was right. For the past two yrs my brain has been going through some real emotions and some feeling I have never felt. Now I feel it is going up hill and getting better.

OK HERE IT IS!!!!! My Fing Cravings are going Crazy!!!!!!!! After all this time, all the BS I went through it is driving me crazy. NOW I am stuck at home a bit because of the snow & ice, but most of the time I can get out.
I was reading some paper work that said to remove your self from the situation ASAP. I Go to everything and anything I can , but most is at night!!! There are tons of AA at 7am I know. I never thought that being BORED & LONELY would drive me so insane. I know I need to get out and go back to work, but because of this H thing it is hard. I feel to sick sometimes to even get off the couch. I am a Dancer and can do lots of things, but they say not to over due the Heart and only take small walks. I am very Creative, but do not feel the interest to do any crafts right now. I just feel AWFUL sometimes and I DO NOT LIKE IT!!!!!
BRING ON SUMMER!

OK..DSarah, IBK, ActingBN, Weaver, EnvolverU, Atthebeach, and SO SO Many more that were on here for so long and have so much time in...Where is Kyle??? He would let me have it!!! Hahahaha.. I need some HELP!!!
Bless U All
Vickie

[sewyouthink]

get on Facebook and connect with your friends and explore! It helps when you can't get out, are sick of T.V. And don't feel like reading!

[msdelight]

And you will make new friends!  Yay!

[clean_in_ks]

Hey sweet friend.....Lonely?  Bored?  Craving?  Time for some NEW action Jackson!   Not just "say"....but "do"....

This time of year is VERY hard for you....the weather changes, the anniversary of saying goodbye to your Mama, your Dad, your sweet Boy!  Tough times for sure.....but staying home, laying on the couch and in your head during the day when hubby is gone is the worst thing you can do.  

Sounds like you are attempting to tweak your meds a bit and see if that makes you feel any better.  That's a start.  Even if you don't "feel" like getting off the couch and going somewhere....just DOING it will change the way you feel.  Putting into practice that "acting as if" will help a lot!   I put "volunteer opportunities in SPt" in my search engine...and guess what?  There are several...especially some great place called PanHandle Animal Shelter.  They need volunteers that are willing to do just about anything!  And they work with whatever schedule you have.
Can you start off with a "baby step" and just commit to doing something one day a week?  We ALL need a purpose in life....even if we don't work part time or full time outside the home...we need to feel needed and have a purpose.     You said this about yourself above:

"I am used to being around people. I love to make them laugh and then it makes me feel better."  

I couldn't agree MORE!!  You have this precious heart....and you are funny and care so much about others!  No matter WHAT you choose to commit to doing....you will be around other people and you WILL make them laugh!
It can be an animal shelter, a preschool, or whatever YOU choose....but you need to feel like you have a purpose.  That someone is counting on you to show up, even if it is an abused doggie.  You don't have to "over-commit"....just start with one morning or afternoon a week.  Keep that commitment and see what changes it brings to your life.  You have so much inside of you to give!  The more we give to others....the better we feel about ourselves.

It doesn't have to be strenuous...just SOMETHING that gets you off the couch during the DAYTIME.  You have your hubby's company in the evening......and it's great that you are going to church groups and meetings at night.....but you need something that gives you a "sense of purpose" during the daytime, too.

I'm so sorry that the friend that came into your life isn't really even clean.  But I'm thinking there may be a purpose in that too.  Maybe she needs YOU.....cause getting drugs in the mail ISN'T living clean for sure!  LOL   I am one that believes my life crosses the path of another for a reason....if associating w/her is tempting or dangerous for you....well then, you need to tell her that.  Maybe she needs your example and your wisdom, huh?

I hope whatever you do, that you will stop robbing the world in SPt of your great sense of humor and your sweet spirit.  Not only will your new involvement bless others....it will return to you tenfold and bring you a new joy~  I love you, Vickie Lee♥  

[weaver71]

Yeah, and your adderral addiction, more recently than the 80's hit the same receptors and could rear it's ugly head up too. It is sad about, I agree. I know so many dead and dying, even as they go about their business. Just like you had to make your decisions, she has to make hers. Just like we could be here for you, you can be there for her, once she is ready. If I told you that you were killing yourself, say 2 years before you were ready, consider how you might have responded to me. My wife was concerned I would be hurt or go psychotic, if someone I was helping or know died. Well, that has happened a few times now, but I know one thing, I did all I could. I don't blame nor condemn anyone for using drugs, but I can't allow their misery to become mine. Show this woman how it is done. When she calls to hang out or get a ride, whatever, you can tell her you are busy helping little tots. Maybe she will join you, maybe she will not, but the best thing you can do for her is live YOUR recovery as an example. I hope you inspire her to have what you have, because you are awesome, even if you can't save everyone.

[VICourageous]

Thanks Guy. That is what I am doing. Calling all the preschools.
I have worked them before when I was on Kodiak Island.

I am just sad about that girl right now. Shoot what a bummer. I can NOT see her if she is doing that. That drug was a Big one for me in the late 70-80s lol

[weaver71]

I was an only child in a dysfunctional family, so I spent lots of time alone. I knew I wanted to have kids one day, so I went to a HeadStart daycare, for kids that parents can't afford daycare. I needed to see what I missed out on as a kid, as well as how to treat my own kids, once they came. You say you don't know how to go about volunteering, start asking organizations you like if you can volunteer somehow. Sweet, simple, and effective. Asking a question is usually the first step in getting an answer.

[VICourageous]

Thank YOU All...

WELL GUESS WHAT???
I picked up this Girl and we went to a NA and AA. At the AA she talked and at the end mentioned something coming in the mail. When I was driving her home she told me it was some Crank!!! WTF??? This is what I call "Part Time Recovery".. I was so sad and I told my Hub. He said No Way is this one going to be strong enough for you. WOW, just when I thought it would be nice.

EvolverU and Weaver, I can here you guys telling me this over the phone..lol Loved it!

Meg..I was thinking about doing some volunteer work at the preschools. Just was not sure how to go about it. I will call some today. I do have my self set up all week with Church and Meetings and some other things, so that is a start.

CRSeaside. I just might take you up on that. Just going anywhere would be good during the winter.

I loved everyone of your replies. It did and has lifted my Soul.

I have been nursing and helping others for so so so long that I do miss it. Dr said no more nursing because of passing pills and the stress can cause some BIG triggers.

Thank You ALL for pushing some buttons for me to get out and get going. I do have the gym, but it has to be nice and easy right now because of the H thing. I just fell into a Funk after my 2yr plus mark, but I feel so good since I posted this.

All of YOU are so Awesome and always here to help..All we have to do is ASK!!!

Bless

PS..It is still sad about that girl. I pray she will come around. She goes to Church and Bible Study and now some Meetings. I Pray she will give it ALL up.

[EvolverU]

Hi Goddess :)

Well my old friend, I heard your dog whistle for 'veterans' but I'm not sure what I can add to the mix of awesome advice & Love that you've received above:

Sarah is right, physical labor is probably not the thing for you right now & she made some excellent suggestions. An idea I'd add might be to volunteer on a hotline or @ some kind of shelter. How about light duties @ an animal shelter?

I also think that Vicki is on the money re: 'this time of year' & how it affects our mood -- particularly as far north as you live. (Are you taking your D3 & EFA's (smile)

Listen to Weaver & 'Kyle' (Tony you gave me the first big smile of the day, Thanks!) -- if it's not working, as tired or anxious as you may feel, it's time to get creative & push the envelope & consider how you might do better for yourself -- to feel more fulfilled & optimistic. As far as I can tell, all of us have to consistently confront that yawning void inside that we used to fill with drugs & gradually come to a place of better balance & peace. You've had to contend with so many losses & now this physical challenge. VIC, I know it's overwhelming @ times & it may feel like we're going to break but I want to remind you of how incredibly strong & intuitive you've been around your own healing. You can get through this & be the stronger, wiser & more content for it. Those thoughts and cravings aren't a 'failure' -- just part of the process. You're bigger than them. Remember when not giving in to them seemed like an impossibility? Remember those days? How far we've come! How much we've learned! This is the work..the growth..the strength, the Faith & Love.

I'd have to agree w/ Motye that (@ least for me too) boredom, sadness & restlessness are the enemy. I find that isolating further exacerbates these feelings & eventually leads to the thoughts you mentioned & an erosion of our ability to maintain our spiritual gains.

Ultimately, though, I think that Connie pegged it! One thing that I think is particularly True for both you & I is that we need to interact with friends, family & community who 'feed' us -- that we can share with & who will reciprocate. I think when we're in 'lockdown' mode, we can miss all the doors & windows (the opportunities that lie around us just waiting to be opened) b/c we get into such a 'tunnel vision' state. Maybe it's time to start looking in places you never expected to give & find human nurturance/sustenance. I was so elated to read that your sober friend from church called you!

It's amazing how our bodies will recoup when we're loved & giving love -- when we're treating ourselves better by going out there & trying something new. Creative outlets are so important: here's a weird idea that just occurred to me, why not look into hosting a local group @ your house? A book club or people getting together to paint, draw, bead, whatever. You could keep it low key or even bring it up @ church or a meeting. (Nothing where you'd have to over-exert yourself!)

And now, I send you a Big Hug from Boston & Pray that you feel better soon, warrior.

Bless,

Annie

[ActingBrandNew]

I dont really have anything to add dear Vic...Sarah and everyone gave you some sold feedback. I will just say you are doing good by reaching out for help. Its probably really tough for you right now dealing with your heart issue and being locked down by the snow but hang in there girl...cravings pass. Keep working your program and it will get better.

Love ya
ABN

[gnarly_1]

Hey Vic  im sorry to here this cravings s uck  but just know you dont have to act on them like you did in active addiction  you need to get out of the house and around people  get to a meeting  then another the forumala my sponcer gave me was meetings more meetings work the steps and get a service commitment and you will stay clean he told me... so you may want to ad a service commitment  the n/a HOTLINE IS ALWAYS LOOKING for someone call it push option 3 and they will give you a shift  mean wile try to keep bizzy  listien to some music you got to get out of your head it is a dangerous place for a lonely addict  remember H A L T  hungry,, angry,, lonely,, tired,, stay out of these negative emotions take time to pray to God for help it is only when you obsess on the cravings that they last keep posting to us it will help  VIc you got this just apply what you have learned in recovery..........Gnarly

[Heather8448]

VICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
My baby girl!!!
Do something different
get up and get out
and you know using is a choice
I love you and because of you i am now picking up a year
What about service work something you can do? take an h&i commitment or volunteer on the help line? fund raiser committee? its your time to shine

[weaver71]

Oh, and I'll try to give you a kyle encouragement.

You already know what you should be doing, get up off your butt and do it. You been around here long enough to know we have to go beyond our comfort zone, over and over. Don't make excuses, don't rationalize your lack of activity,   just do something about your excuses and rationale. You've got some advice here, volunteer, dance for elders or kids, so don't just sit there, bust a move.

So, get up off that thing, dance, you'll feel better.

[weaver71]

I'm not sure if we were hanging out together, when I came up with the idea of eustress, or healthy stress. I had been so afraid of going manic, that I feared happiness, pushing myself, or letting ANY stress into my life. Well, I was miserable, bored and exhausted. When I realized I wouldn't eat, without the stress of hunger, or sleep without the stress of being tired, I started looking for small challenges to conquer. You know, things that feel like a challenge, but were not totally unrealisitic. I made appointments, even remembering to go to an appointment was stressful, for awhile after my psychotic break. I mastered making to my commitments. Then I started working on a project at home, making a commitment to finish it, whether I feel like it or not. I had been stopping, anytime I felt any discomfort. As I have completed the smaller tasks, over several months, I have brainstormed on bigger commitments, that would cause more eustress. Now, I am starting a new internet business, networking in my community, and launching a new life. I had to take small steps in preperation for handling more stress.

I mean, I was totally stressed, just going to an appointment for a new job or accepting the responsibility of the a new job. By slowly allowing healthy stress into my life, I feel driven and motivated again. I wouldn't want to use opiates, that is for sure, that would be adding distress, not eustress. That idea of living just beyond our comfort zone backs my theory, we have to push ourselves some, to truly recover. That push doesn't stop after detox, the first, second, or any number of years. My comfort zone has grown bigger and bigger, and the amount of eustress I can handle has grown too. We need that stress balance, too much, we get off track, too little, we forget we are even in the race.

You studied dance, were you ever nervous, like your first class, first performance? That is healthy stress, you conquer that challenge and bigger challenges come along, building strength and endurance, self-confidence and inspiration. You didn't dance a few times and then say, "I am a dancer." You pushed yourself, practiced, kept pushing the levels of your ability, so that your level was raised to a higher level of achievement. Sobriety is the same way, we can't ever say, "I am dancing as good as I can," unless you qualify it with, "so far." Push your boundaries, that will move them further out. Take some chances, that will build confidence and connection to the world. And above all else, never stop growing.

So dance me a dance, help a person in need, express yourself in art and crafts, and make sure you are challenging yourself enough. Addiction will not tolerate complacence, we are either improving or getting worse, so make sure to DO things to keep improving, even if you don't feel like it.

Love you Vicki, may your spirit become a never ending spring, overflowing.

[nonights]

S l a p!   S l a p!  Here is my problem. Finding the balance between stress and boredom. They both are not good for me.

I am so glad God sent you a clean friend. You keep pushing honey !

I miss Kyle too.

[meegWpaw]

hey Vickie you aint mentioned me but here i am anyway!!!! ha ha  well mama i think what everyone said about volunteering was exactly what i was going to suggest ... teenagers always need some kind of mentor or tutoring and you love to make people laugh and you're a born helper so why not try that?  when i was into volunteering i found a ton of stuff on the internet ... for example, when i joined some volunteer associations on "meetup," they sent me ALL KINDS of email about volunteer opportunities.  some were one-time deals ... so that might work well for you if you don't want a regular gig.  all of your losses are fresh, Vickie Pie and be patient with yourself and good to you.  You are the mountain mama so don't let anything move you!!!!  be strong and firm, like a mountain.  i wuv you

Meg-Pie

[CRSeaside]

Come down to Costa Rica. You know I've had an opening for you anytime  
  I do feel better here. When I'm in the USA there's so much negative energy
It's quiet here. I play in the art studio. I swim in the warm water down at the beach or I just lay around and watch the tide go in & out.
  I have surgery in March. It takes me forever to feel ok even after anethisia.
Brains have a pattern. Add triggers and the brain reverts.
  I know you understand the science. Just want you to know I'm here for you. You are important. Love Maxy

[VICourageous]

GOD WORKS IN HIS TIME!!!

A long time ago I was talking with CIK and she said she would pray for a friend for me..Not just a Christian Friend, but one who as been in Recovery!
The phone rang it was the girl I met last week at Church. She needs rides to these meetings and I need a new clean friend. SO!!! I am so Blessed I got down and Prayed. Maybe this will open some new doors to get out of the house and find more new places to go too, with CLEAN & SOBER PEOPLE..Thanks Everyone!!

PS. If anyone new or older has anything to add, please do!
Bless

[VICourageous]

Thanks again from above here.
I just started the bible study on Wed night. I am going to a meeting and mentioning this but, we usually do not get someone to talk to you until after.

I turned on the TV while I was folding laundry and this preacher was talking about Addiction. It really hit me hard. He took a bottle of water and move it from one place to another. Then he opened it and emptied the water out. He said we must be set free, not just move from one spot to the other. There was so much more that it made me get down and pray. How about the Timing???

I thought about what Vicki has said and I do think it is more boredom or not being around helping others like I am used too. Not so much the drugs. I USED to know I could stand in one place and take something and be happy. NOW I must CHANGE this and get involved. I have known this for a long time, but my health needs more healing. It does not stop me from Church or meetings but they are so short lived. lol
Bless

[motye51]

Not sure if u want to hear this, i'm not an old timer (yet), but i find boredom my biggest enemy. My job for the last 26 years has been wife and mother. All of my kids are older now, 26, 25, 24 and 17....and they dont need me as much as they used to....2 have already left the house, daughter gets married in april, then she'll be gone. My 17 yr old is desperate for me to get out of his ***!!!! This leaves me with ME??? And quite honestly, its been a little over a year and i still dont know who i am...what i like and dont like....
Its time for me to start doing what interests me and thats something i dont know how to do. Ive taken the piano back up (which is something i used to do years ago). I find when i have to take care of me.....its hard??? I can take care of everyone around me....but me???? Boredom is my enemy!

[dominosarah]

How about a bible study at the church??  How about sharing what you are feeling at a meeting??  You might just find some others who feel the same way you do about everyone having their own life??

[VICourageous]

Thanks Ladies.
I was thinking about talking to the vet about this Sarah. I am planing on doing some volunteer work, but I have to feel good enough to show up when I am suppose too. I been thinking I should just "Do It" now. I know it will keep my mind off of other things.
Yes, Vicki I did do this before about a yr ago or so?? I am used to being around people. I love to make them laugh and then it makes me feel better.
It is SO hard because I am REALLY trying to find new clean friends. It seems like everyone I know in this small town uses some kind of pain pill or more.
I have met a few at church and the meetings too, but everyone has their own life to live.

Vicki...I thought about what you said and I think you are right. I am just Craving something other then being stuck here. Right now I do not even know where I could go. I could go for a ride and walk around the beach. It is very cold, but I could bundle up. It is people I miss and we have been hermits, so no one comes over. When my Hub gets home, I feel a bit better. It is like I feel anxious and I never had this before except during my long ash detox.

Thanks for replying. I have some things to really push on...lol

[vicki595]

Hey Honey- I seem to remember you went through something similar last year at this time. Do you remember?  It's the weather, the time of year, lack of activities, and being alone with your thoughts...all at the same time.

Try to be patient right now because it WILL change and those cravings WILL stop. I'm not sure you're craving pills either; you're just craving something different.  Hang in there and stay close.

[dominosarah]

Some of what you are feeling is due to the heart thing but alot of this is something you can change up.  You talk about being bored and lonely and that is prime time for that little gnome that swings in the back of your head to really jack you up.  Physical labor is out of the question for you right now so how about some volunteer work?  Animal shelter, nursing home etc?  Laying on the couch isnt helping.  I know you dont always feel good but your head is in a bad place right now and you are going to feel worse.  As for the dogs....contact a pet place and ask about some ideas on how to get the dogs back to living.  They experience grief also and need some help to get thru.  They also feed off our emotions.  When i rescued my beagle she was so beat down by her past owners.  If a door slammed she would almost shake out of her skin.  I would then go to her and tell her everything would be okay, hold her, kiss her etc.  Nothing was changing so i called a trainer.  Found out all i was doing was letting her know those feelings she had was okay.  I was reinforcing that behavior.  I was told the next time it happened to just walk away and let her go thru that as she had to learn to trust again.  In time it worked and now i have a full fledged beagle on my hands.  We are alot like what i just explained.  You are clean, your health is getting back on track so step out of that so called comfort zone and take back your life grasshopper.  You are missing out on living again.    xoxox