I need some help!

[LeaAnn807]

So, cutting to the chase....I'm a little scared.  A LOT scared actually.  My husband left today to be gone for a week.  Eventhough I have been clean for a while, I still get scared when I am "unsupervised!"  (only word I could think of!)  I know that an addict can always find a way to get pills even when someone IS looking, but I really get concerned when no one is.  I'm afraid my mind will play tricks on me.  Tell me I'm in pain.  My parents live close, but they will even be gone for a couple of those days.  I've been alone for a day here and there since I got clean, but usually someone is close around.  This will be a WHOLE WEEK!  Uggghhhhhhh!

I mean...I want to stay clean.  It's not like I'm waiting on them to turn their back so I can use.  I'm just scared about my mind doing something to me.  So, I'm just asking you all for help!  I started having some cravings late this afternoon.  Like I said, my mind really plays tricks on me!

It'll be ok!  But I could sure use some prayers and good vibes!!!!!!!!! : )  I'm having lunch with a group of girls from my meeting tomorrow!  Guess I'll tell them all this too.

Big, cyberhugs all around!!!!!!

[LeaAnn807]

Thanks so much for caring you guys!  I'd love to do the spa/movie and dinner night, but my 2 year old puts a damper on any plans like that!!! : )  I may get a massage tomorrow or Friday while she is at school though.  I love your idea, and I will definitely try to stay busy.  It's been working so far.  I went in to the office for a while today and yesterday, and that always helps me to keep my mind occupied.  I feel like if I can get through this week, I can do just about anything!!!!!

Thank you again.  You guys don't know what you mean to me right now!!!!!

[bmdad]

How about treating yourself to an evening at the spa? Maybe call a girlfriend and go out to dinner and a movie? Even though your husband isn't home doesn't mean you are alone. All of us are just a click away!

I sure hope the urge thingy goes away and stays away. Just keep doing what you do so well and that is continuing the fight.

Hang in there. Hubby will be back before you know it!

Brian

[ImDONENoMore]

I think it's because you're right in the middle of the week on your own.  The beginning and end of this week will (and has?) been easier.  It's the middle gray area that can feel weird.

You can do it and get through today - I know that and somwhere deep down inside you do too. :)

[LeaAnn807]

It's like.....thoughts.  Urge to use maybe?  I don't think craving is the word exactly.  I haven't used and don't plan on it.  It's out of character for me right now to feel this strongly about pills though!  I've had minor cravings, but it was nothing that I couldn't stand.

[dominosarah]

What is going on today?

[LeaAnn807]

Hahahaha!  It's going ok I think.  Yesterday was better than today!  I'm not really sure what's wrong with me!!!!  But, I'm still clean! : )

[dominosarah]

How is it going tram?  Check in so we dont have to hunt you down!!

[scaredmommy1]

Glad you went. The first time I went to a nar-anon meeting, I drove thru the parking lot like ten times before I got up the nerve to go in. Then when I got in there and they asked me my name, I burst into tears. I am proud of you for going. I will be here to support you. I currently have my daughter in rehab, she is also adicted to oxy's. I miss her so much I can hardly breathe. But I know she is where she needs to be. I want her to be a part of my life forever; I want to swaddle her children and dance at their weddings. She has too much life left to spend it in an oxy induced stupor. I just got off the phone with her. It was painful. She is angry at me; I am not sure why, but it is ok. I love her and I know it really isn't at me right now. They said she has been doing great. Then when they call and she talks to me she wants to come home. Funny thing is, if she isn't talking to me she will be fine. As much as I miss her and want to talk to her maybe it isn't the right thing right now. I don't want to make life harder for her or have her looking for excuses to leave. You keep up the good work. I mean it. I am here for you. I can't be here for my own daughter right now, but I will help you. If you want to call, message me and I will give you my number. Stay strong. Be proud of yourself, you deserve it.

[tired_of_oxy]

Yes I'm having to force myself to drink fluids. Everything tastes gross right now. Eating isn't happening but I did drink 2 chocolate protien shakes today so that's better then nothing.

Hi Tram,
Well hope your dad gets his operation soon! As I type this I'm sitting in the prkg lot of an NA meeting trying to get the nerve to go in. This is a new meeting for me and I'm a bit nervous. I knew tonight I HAD to go to a meeting and the only one near me was a bit of a hike to get to. I wish NA had more meetings like AA does.

Ok well the meeting starts in 5 mins. so I better get moving. I feel 100 years old right now and look it too. Even makeup can't hide my misery. Glad to hear your staying strong and thanks for the great advice :)

[LeaAnn807]

Thanks!  His surgery was postponed!  Guess he will try again later.

I'm so glad you got some help with the kids!  It can be a huge frustration to be responsible for anything especially kids.  I would just encourage you to just stay positive and remember that the symptoms will pass.  Take lots of baths.  Don't forget fluids.  My favorites for RLS and cramps were apple juice and gatorade.  Eat bland foods like crackers, soup and toast.  Oh....and go ahead and take some imodium at the first sign of diarrhea!  Some people get relief from RLS with Nyquil.  It did help me to get a few hours of sleep on the 2nd or 3rd night I think.  It was an hour here and there, but it was better than nothing!!!

Thank you for your prayers!  

[tired_of_oxy]

You ARE doing it! Just wanted to say that your dad will be in my prayers. No doubt it will be stressful but you will be just fine and be clear headed and sober to help your dad post-op. What kind of surgery is he having if you don't mind me asking? Well your both in my prayers. I'm well into detox now and although I'd like to chop my legs off at the moment (damn rls) I'm staying strong and once again thinking of you and how you have gotten clean and stayed clean with the responsibility of kids and everything else we have to deal with too as moms fighting addiction. Thank you again Tram, you were right, I just needed some help. My dear brother is due to arrive here anytime and not a moment too soon! The wds are kicking my butt and it will be nice to know I have help with the kids as I descend into wd hell for the next few days. But I know I'll get through it and my kids might think Ive lost my mind seeing me practically live in the tub but once this is over they will have their real mommy back just like yours do. =) God bless you and stay strong!!!

[LeaAnn807]

10 degrees huh?  It's 14 here.....buuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!  


So...I've made it to Tuesday!!!!!!!  Hahahahahaha, I think I'm gonna do this!  Daddy is having surgery today, so it's gonna be a stress day, but it's ok.  I'm making it!

[vicki595]

So...HI!!  I'm chillin' now. ( Literally! It's 10 degrees here!! Snow is coming!! )

You know, I don't think you're the same person you used to be. You've changed.A lot!
Maybe you should think about THAT for a while. If you're different now,history cannot repeat itself. But,I think it's good to be aware,address it,and let it go.

I'm thinking about ya!!  But,I'm not worried. I believe in you!

[LeaAnn807]

Thank you both!  I'm hanging out here tonight, watching the National Championship on TV, and thanking the Lord for another day clean!!!!  Tomorrow?  I'll worry about tomorrow when it comes I guess!  

I appreciate all the kind words. I wish I had the confidence that you guys have!

One day at a time.......Sara, thank you for always having my back!  

[dominosarah]

You will get thru this tram.....We will be right beside you helping you along.          sara

[ImDONENoMore]

And you will too!  Your posts have meant a lot to me tramahater.  You will get through this without falling and you will feel great when your hubby gets back you'll see!  :)

[LeaAnn807]

That means a lot to me!  I remember the day you are talking about, and see????  You pulled through!!!  

[tired_of_oxy]

Hey tram, just wanted to add that you are one awesome lady. I was beside myself 2 wks ago. Felt like such a failure because I couldn't detox and take care of my kids and it was you who stepped in and made me feel like I wasn't a complete loser. It was that post that made me decide at that moment that I wasn't going to give up even though I felt so ashamed and wanted to crawl under a rock. Today I got the help I need for the kids and I'm doing it again. Thinking of you, another mom (with a 2 year old to boot), doing this and coming as far as you have is very inspirational to me. Detoxing is not easy but us moms have the added enormous challenge of kids to deal with not to mention cooking, cleaning etc. It can be soo overwhelming but you reminded me I wasn't a failure..just a human being that needed help to accomplish what I need to do.

Don't look back and worry about the person you were on pills and that you can't trust yourself..you CAN trust yourself and you have no doubt grown leaps and bounds as a person and gained a lot of inner strength every day since you quit. Draw on that strength now to keep you moving forward. And when your hubby comes home and your still clean you'll know in your heart that you CAN trust yourself after all. This could be a real growth opportunity for you - a chance to see yourself in a different light. To lose that remaining voice of self doubt. Your addiction lying to you and telling you that you cannot trust yourself. Bullcrap, you have stayed clean throughout a lot of ups and downs no doubt and really if you wanted to use you could have a million times over. It's YOU that stays clean, nobody holding a gun to your head right? So have faith in yourself because your a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for!

[LeaAnn807]

And thank you guys for the confidence!  It does mean a lot! : ) Love you!

[LeaAnn807]

CHHHHHHHILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!  I'm right here!  I had to take Maddie to the doctor AND we got snow!  Used to be my most hated winter day when I was using.  Couldn't go anywhere AND no docs offices open!!! : )  But NOT today!  Wasn't looking for one!

Ummm....so I think it's just fear of the past stuff I guess??  I have never done this well before, and I'm so scared I'll mess it up!  And Sara, I'm not wanting to use because of history.....I'm scared because of history.  Does that make any sense?  I'm not justifying at all.  I'm just a little weirded out and not sure what to make of it!  I don't feel weak.  I just feel like it would be easy...like physically, I could do it, but my conscience can't even GO THERE!!!  What on earth is wrong with me?

[vicki595]

Yeah...no kidding Sara...

LEE ANN DAMN IT!!!   GET OVER HERE NOW!!

[dominosarah]

It is no fun to yell at you if you dont come on here!!

[vicki595]

Okay...you're hysterical. Knock it off!!   Have you run around the house naked yet?

Do I have to send NORMAN and mother over??  ( That always worked for me!! )

You,Lee Ann, have control over ALL of your thoughts!!  You know this to be true,I'm just reminding you. You don't want to take anything...you know you don't. You know you hate the crap!  You,also, know that being alone is a trigger and that scares you and me.
That's why you're scared. You're not craving anything but ice cream!!  Seriously, it's good to be alert to the thoughts. I know you've got this. I'm glad you jumped on here
for support,though. It's so crazy,huh?  Almost a YEAR, did you hear me? A YEAR and
this still happens to us.

Do you want the super,secret telephone code here?  We can trash talk on the phone for awhile...I'll put my Mother on...She WILL make you accountable!!  LOL   Don't be scared...

It doesn't look like you've posted for a while so get your butt on here. I'm on my way to Gizzy's house. Feel like a road trip??

I love you---I'm here...

[gnarly_1]

Hey LeeAnn hows it going today remember we do this ''just for today' post to let us know your alright I have all the confidence in the world in you...YOU CAN DO THIS
your friend Mark