didnt want this to get lost in my normal post..but im having a REAL hard day. I dont think I can do this.

[bethinime]

Day 9 and just not feeling so great. Im really REALLY depressed. Im so tired of not having any energy. Just really really tired of it. I know MCH (Mike) mentioned in a post that when he was using he missed out on so much because he stopped doing the things he enjoyed. I was just the opposite and I miss that. I could take a few pills and conquer the world. I could clean house all day, I created a Mommy group, cook a great dinner, clean it up etc etc. I was super mom and super wife.

Im not gonna lie today I am missing that. I was always in a good mood. I was never tired. I never told  my 3 year old "in a little while mommys tired right now" because I never was.  Now I say it constantly. When I was taking pills I played with her, I cleaned, I cooked, I did everything and thensome.  I was somewhat of a blob on subs but I could manage but now I am super blob and it hurts to move I hate myself and everything about this. I dont want to move and I am so tired of this. I mean really really tired. So today has not been a good day. My house needs cleaning. I need to get my daughter out of the house and Im just pissed off its such a freaking effort. I cant do this anymore. I really dont think I can.  Its always going to be hard for me because I know there is this little pill out there (oxy) my favorite that I can put in my mouth and 15 minutes later I can conquer the world and it depresses me I can never do that again because I allowed myself to become an addict. I hate me today!  

[corey411]

Sorry you are going through this. I know that it's rough. At least your through the physical part. Now time to get tough.
You decided to get clean for some reasons. What were they? Addiction and taking pills to feel better, to be able to have more energy to do the activities that we need to do to get through the day is not normal. Before we started using most of us did very well and were happy. We just liked taking something to make us feel great...but we did just fine without them if we didn't have them. We had fun, laughed, loved....ect.
The thing that addiction does is over time, it makes changes in our brains. The opiates scramble the way our brain released chemicals to make us feel good and give us energy. When we stop it takes awhile for that to come back.
The way that you feel now or next week is not the normal way that you felt before your addiction caused this nor is it the way that you will continue to feel. You need to go through this to get clean. It's the only way. Lots of people on here who made it through will tell you this. I promise, it comes back.
You have 2 options, keep going forward and keep all of the days clean that you have...those 9 days weren't fun.....or use and have to quit again and again and again unless you are going to use forever.
It gets harder each time. Those pills are gonna quit working for that feel good feeling and the attention and time that you spend with your child and hubby will become time that you slowly get farther and farther absorbed in yourself. This is what happens to every addict.
Sorry for the lecture but it's meant only to help. Your pic of your family is beautiful. Please tough it out. You will not feel good for awhile but feeling good is far from the most important thing in life. This is so worth it and your family wants a sober mom/wife.
I will help you in anyway I can. If you need extra support feel free to send a PM anytime(although you are not very lacking in support right now) We will help you through this. I will keep you in my prayers. Corey  PS Ollie says hi:o)

[sw9281]

Don't give in - it will be harder to stop the next time and you already are getting close to the day it starts to get better. I have told this before but will give you my story. On day 2 off Sub I had tickets to go see James Taylor with my wife. He is her favorite. I was having the worst day of my life. But I forced myself to go even though I had no idea how I would make it through this, in fact I did not think it was possible. But I went and endured although I thought I would explode. Should I take just one corner of a sub to make it through this one night? The answer to that seemed to be yes but I would not be on day 17 and starting to feel better today. I resisted and did not do it. IT CAN BE DONE, TIME PASSES. IT WILL GET BETTER

[worried878]

best idea i have heard yet for a bad day!  u r on ur way..instead of caving u r doing sumpin positive..and moving forward..u will feel better when u get home..post and let us know how u feel later

[bethinime]

yea the way I am feeling right now...I think I need to look for a NA group in my area and go to a meeting tonight. I need a support system besides the computer I think. I really feel like I am falling in a hole and I need to do something before I make a decision that I regret.

[LADYDI4185]

Hi!  You are having a bad day, please don't give up.  You inspire me to continue on my journey and I have only cut down to 4 pills per day.  What you are experiencing today is my biggest fear.  I too felt I could do it all and then some, we need to cut ourselves some slack.  I'm here if you need to talk!  Dianne (ladydi4185)

[worried878]

sometimes it is just good to go back and remember the reasons u quit..and u r right..when the pills used to make us happy in a reasonable dose..using was fun...but it always comes down to never having enuf..to chasing pills..to worrying about the pills...and then it just isnt so much fun anymore..and remebering that is a good thing...and forgetting it is easy to do when u feel like dog poo poo..so that is why aftercare is so so very important

[bethinime]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. Im am trying real hard today. Its been a bad one. Hopefully this day too shall pass and tomorrow will be easier.

Outatown...if you lived closer I think I would take you upon that offer because I think that might do us both some good!  One minute im crying, the next minute I am pissed off at the world.    

[bethinime]

I gave it up because I couldnt afford the amount of pills it was taking to give me that energy buzz anymore. I was also afraid of what it was doing to my body.

When it worked it was a lovely picture. Thats why I got hooked. If it wasnt so rosy I would have never became an addict. I would have taken that first pill and said yuk and never picked it up again. I am sure I can speak for alot of addicts when I say that. Just like a smoker...I enjoyed it. Isnt that how all addictions start out? Food addictions,smoking,pills etc. It makes us feel good. If I was rich and my body could never be at risk for shutting down because of the stress on my organs I would still be doing pills.  Im sorry I was just being honest with how and why I got to where I am now.

[worried878]

well..know it is tough  and may be that way for a few months..but it gets better and better...
u paint a lovely picture of using in ur post...whay did u quit?  If everything was so rosy..then why did u give it up?  just wondering

[sw9281]

You may not feel it but you are getting close to that day. It may not be today but will be soon. I went thru 5 years of feeling great but felt nothing. Nobody knew I was always on Percs. Today is day 17 off Sub and I am starting to feel again. It is much better than not feeling anything except flying around on the Percs. Your family may suffer a couple of weeks more but they will soon have their real mother back forever. You owe it to them.

[box2long]

Hang in there.  You've come so very far!  You don't want to have to go through this all over again.  Remember how bad it feels to have to start all over like I have had to do.  Now I'm back at square one (today) and gonna need your advice to help get the rest of us through!  

[want2Bsober]

Please dont give up. It's people like me in day one that look to your ability to do what you have done over this time. It gives me hope, it gives us hope. I will pray for you to have better days, clean ones.

[outotown]

You and me need to get togather and have a good ole fashion butt kicking contest until we cant kick anymore, you know how I feel today and I know how you feel so lets get togather and do some butt kicking and get back on track ok

[iamdone]

The only way I started to feel better was to not tell my little one " Daddy is tired" Make yourself get up and do it. Today I had to go for my baby girls Pre K Grad/Cookout Cooked 200 hotdogs almost told her i couldn't make. After a shower I made myself go and now I feel great. Don't know about an hour from now but, since I made myself get up and go I feel better. You have been in your mind supercharged for so long you cant rem before the oxy's, I bet you can bring it back just have faith.

[mark43brewer]

I know how you feel.  I found that I really did not like me without some sort of high.  However, for the first time in my life, I am thinking of ways to change the old me without a drug.  I get a little excited thinking I can change things to where I like myself a little better without an artificial high.  I was so tired of the chase...an alternative way to live without that nagging thought "how am I going to get my hands on more stuff?"  I am on day 21 without morphine and for the very first day not having a bunch of physical stuff to deal with....I know the mental part is next...a little scared and a little excited to see if I can and will make the right decisions this time....I am blabbering sorry about that....just know you are not on your own.  If we are serious about staying clean, we all will have to face the things about ourselves that we can change and have to courage to make that change...stay strong...minute-by-minute....the "one day at a time" thing is too much to handle at first.

[Ella789]

  My heart goes out to you as I have been where you are and so much so!!  Even with my chronic pain, I could clean my house, do laundry for a bunch of boys and two grandchildren and cook a nice supper too.  And take care of my husband, even tho that isn't too difficult anymore!lol  On top of that I could run a small bussiness and meet with people,  yeah, I was super-woman, I liked being that way.  And I missed it like hell for awhile,  now the urges come less often, would prefer they didn't come at all but with my history,...sigh...         I think I have done okay so far.  Tomorrow I will be 3 mos. clean and having a birthday,  how ironic!!  (not saying my age, cause my brain tells me different!)  
Hugs to you my dear, and to all starting this journey,  it is filled with many pitfalls, and mindgames,  it *****.... but it is doable.!

Ella

[reno346]

Hang in there. I know that it is the toughest thing to hear, because everytime I look for a quick fix or answer, that is what I am told. I have been off of methodone for 3solid weeks now, no suboxone, just  neurotin & xanax. It is very difficult to get through this, but if you really want it, you can do it. I have literally felt like I have had the worst flu of my life, no energy, all the symptoms you can imagine, but I keep pluging along, becaus I just don't want these meds controlling my life anymore. Bottom line it really just depends on how bad you want it, & if your really ready. Good luck & god bless!!

[ginsa]

OMG! I just read my post and I'm so sorry! I didnt mean don't quit! What I meant to write is Don't Give UP. Don't quit quitting. I am on day 17 and have had ups and downs too. The mental recovery is the hardest part. But know that it will get better. It just takes time. Indulge yourself. Don't feel guilty. Your motive is pure and YOU ARE WORTH IT!.

[ginsa]

Don't quit give up! You are going to feel drained. Your body is trying to heal and that takes soooo much energy. It will get better! Day 9 was not pretty for me either, but that's where I came to a turning point. You may have ups and downs, but YOU CAN DO IT. It will get better. Your family loves you and they will benefit so much more from having you all there. It will be so worth it.
I'm on day 17.

[road2recovery]

I agree with refusingbondage, YOU CAN DO THIS!!  Look how far you have come...
I can remember the exact day that 1/2 of a hydro gave me enough energy to do so much in one day that i usually would do in 3 days...and with 4 kids , i thought i found the perfect energy pill...Even though i did start them for pain, I realize now I could have gotten by with advil....Anyway, I though man i can take 1/2 everyday and this would be great...That lasted for a short time..We all know that it just takes more and more....Long story short, at the end of my usuage, I was taking 20 hydro's 10mg, and that was just not to get sick..I was no longer supermom, house was getting to be a mess, as well as every area in my life...AT some point it has to stop, and since you have come this far, you can't turn back now...Try to find something natural for energy...I am praying for you, as i know this is so tough, but i promise it gets so much better, it just takes time...
god bless
r2r

[liscamdave]

All of the emotions and feelings you are having now are all apart of the recovery process. Don't you want to be able to conquer the world without having to take anything? Just look at it that way. Get your natural energy back, it will come, I promise you. I know its frustrating and it gets old, but it will be worth it trust me. You don't have that much longer until you start to feel the benefits of being completely clean. You will see..trust me.

[refusingbondage]

YES YOU CAN DO IT.  Your energy will return and it will be better and more fullfiling than when you took a pill.  Its OK to take some time to be sick and not feel good and feel like a super blob.  I do believe the mental part is kicking in now and really messing with you.. your addiction is making you depressed, your addiction is making you feel guilt and useless.  Dont let it win.  Physically you will feel better.  You just have to give it time.  You are still super mom and you are still super wife.. You've just taken a time out for a minute.  Let your body heal and dont be so hard on yourself.  I know you can do this..