help understanding

[bb985]

My fiance has decided to come clean after 10 years of being on pain medication, He is telling me he needs to find his self and just give him time. Now what i am dealing with is he wont play around with me barley sleeps in the same bed and there is no affection. He has told me he doesnt want to split that is not what he wants out of this. i am just curious on how i should act around him and what can i do to help him. thanks so much

[Astray]

That he has been clean a month, great news, he will be past the physical withdrawal symptoms. I can't know how he is feeling now but I know how I felt after 30 days clean following 10 years of abuse of weaker opiates...

I felt like the living dead, I was with it enough to understand the terrible harm I had done to myself and those around me but not well enough to fix anything. With strangers, or for short periods of time I could role play a human being but I could not fool people people who knew me well at all or others for long. All I could do was grimly struggle on and slowly recover. I have and he will get better too if he stays clean.

Encourage him to join some form of support group, be it here or in the real world. Whether he knows it or not he needs to talk about it. During addiction recovery it is easy to feel you are totally losing your mind whereas in reality the recovering addict is finding it instead - which can be a very scary process.

[Gigi1302]

Hi BB,
I would guess that he is depressed.  He has a long history of disturbing his brain chemicals.   This withdrawal might take him longer than you imagine.  I guess that patience is a virtue, and this is a rough patch for you and your children and for him.  His heart is probably in the right place since he seems to want to fix his circumstances.  I am presently going through withdrawal myself and I think that I am a little mentally altered even through I know it is for the best.
As far as his acting differently with you than others ... this can make you feel betrayed, I know.  Unfortunately when we love someone, we feel we can be 'ourselves' with them.  If other friends come around he plays the part of the whole person that he knows they expect.  He might laugh and play around like his old self.  They leave, and you have the half person again!  You want to look at him and ask who he is and what did he do with your fiance.
My best advice is to give him a little time.  There is a fine line, though, between acting bad because we feel very bad and acting bad because we are demonstrating bad behavior!  Watch, listen and speak to him as a friend rather than a woman feeling unloved and unappreciated.  Those wild hormones can make us say and do things we might later regret (in general, of course, I have no idea if your hormones are wild :)  Best of luck and please keep in touch.  It really helps to get things out in the open!  Warmest, Gigi

[petroglyph54]

Do you know about how much he was using? He could just be toward the end of and indescribable tramtic experience. You can't imagine how horrible it is coming off a large and steady dose. I'm a tough guy and for no reason I had tears running down my face 3 times yesterday? This crap messes with your mind in ways that until your really sick, you didn't know could happen. Playing with the kids, I bet you just can't see him tearing up once in a while and this just can not be explained to some one who hasn't been there. That's why so many people go to na, it's just easier to talk to someone who has had this kind of sickness, not unlike a cancer support group. I think he loves you a lot more than he can tell you, and I can't tell you how much I love my wife for being here with me during this. She has learned to leave me alone when I'm suffering, and I know she wants to help and will, but there just isn't anything sometimes can be done for the suffering except love him back. Tell him your there for him however long it takes and offer to help if he wants it, but other than that, give him some space. He must love his kids and you pretty dearly to go thru, what has been described as hell on earth. I'm not in hell but I can see it from here. Best wishes, he's almost thru this and your gonna get the man back you fell for when you was both teens! Keep posting, your doing pretty good youself even if you don't think so, it's hard to realize how much you've helped, he'll tell you sometime.

[bb985]

The pills he was on was oxycotton and he just stoped one day after we had it out and i told him to get out. He has been clean for almost a month now and i am vary proud of him. Years before it was norcos tens somas anything he was doing cocaine before we got together but i told him you want to be with me that had to go and he did fine. Now i am so lost on how do i act like it is okay when i have our children asking why doesnt daddy love us anymore. I tell them he will always love you. With me it seems like he can talk and play around with everyone but me, i was scared he was leaving me but he had told me that is not what he wants out of this, So now i shall sit back and let him lead the way. i love him too much to give up now. We have been through so much together we have been together for 5 years but been best friends since we were 16 and now were 28

[petroglyph54]

Same questions as above, how much of what was he taking? Sounds like he might be trying to taper off or has quit or has reached the level that even if he is taking, he can be in withdrawals or at least that's how it feels with me? I am deeply in love with my wife, however when dopesick, I want her to be able to sleep, and when I'm tapering I move around a whole lot and make noise. Can't see the reason neither of us should get any sleep. The pain meds certainly have messed up my sex life as well.

[fluffy215]

Hi just to clarify some things to offer you appropriate advice,
Did he come clean by admitting his problem or did he stop taking the pills? Right now he needs your support more than anything. He is probable emotionally detached, that happens to us addicts (clean for 1 1/2 yrs.) Please try to be patient. The longer he is off of the pills he should start coming around in the sexual dept. Trust me the last thing you want to do when u are using is being intimate, so just give him time, I know it's hard for you, but he needs you more than ever. Try to be paitient, it's a long bumpy road, and pills make you a different person.
Feel free to message me anytime.

[Astray]

Do you mean he has admitted to his problem or that he has stopped taking the pills? What exactly was he taking? If he has quit, how long ago was this? Sorry for all the questions but more info will help give better advice as to his likely state of mind.

Either way long term opiate abuse is known to kill/reduce the sex drive and tends to flatten all emotions. Happily these problems are not permanent, staying clean will get him back to how he was before, in time.

[tomskat]

Hi there and welcome. You're amazing for just being there for him. Understand that this is not related to you though. Give him time,a  lot of patience,and seek out support groups (AL-Anon is primarily for families of alcoholics but it's a good start)Suggest NA meetings for him to attend and go with if he will allow you too.I go with my old man to his (we're both addicts)Once an addict always an addict but being actively using and clean are 2 seperate things.He will go through many ups&downs through this process..try to find your happy medium (if there is such a thing!)but you 2 will be o.k.Best of luck to you both;keep us posted,MAybe introduce him to us....wwe're always here.Stay strong!!~Anne

[Kelseago]

That's completely natrual. Try not to take offense, I know it's hard. We tend to take our drugs to hide things we don't like about ourselves. Becoming sober is all about finding the real you. It's going to be a difficult process. My husband has dealt with me for 10 years going from drugs to being clean many times. Thank goodness he's an amazing man, most won't stick around. It might help for him to see a professional or maybe you two can go together to help you better understand. There are programs for spouses of addicts too. I hope you find the answers you need. I know my husband just being around for me really helps.