helppppp meeeeeeee Please.

[greeneyedgurl333]

Hi. I've never wrote on a forum before so forgive me if I do this wrong if there's a way to do it wrong...
Ok so I'm 22 years old and I've been addicted to opiates for almost 7 years. I use a ball of heroin every 1-2 days IV. I have been shooting for about four or five years before that it was roxy 30s. I also shoot cocaine with my heroin about 4-6 days a week. I say days cuz when I do coke I kind of do it all day. I am so sick of being like this. I can't stand what it's putting my body thru. I should also note I was on methadone for a year March 2014-May 2015.(highest dose 80 in first months, last 7 months on about 35mg) I had 8 months off dope in that time it was so ******* wonderful.. Then relapsed after some personal issues for the last 5 months or so of my methadone time. I would get sick without my dope , so I just got off the methadone at 35 mg and did more dope cuz I felt there was no point in dosing. So now I've been off methadone for a few months but I need to get off dope again so I decided to try the subutex route this morning.... Last dose of dope at 4pm yesterday took it about 830 am this morning 8mg.... I got so motherfucking sick I have never been that sick in my life instantly driving downtown (honestly thinking of trying to drive my car off the road and end everything)cuz none of my dudes are open yet to ask some randoms on the street find a 20 still so ******* sick finally dude opens I pick up and have to do a half g just to feel ok not high.. I was trying to avoid getting back on methadone but now I feel I have to. **** subutex I know it probably works if taken right but I never wanna go thru what I did this morning again... Suggestions....
Thanks for reading my novel if u did I appreciate it tons

[Jerry198]

I just read your post again and wanted to know what is the cost of your habit daily? thanks

[Jerry198]

I must say that NEVERAGAIN127 hit it on the head you need to just commit 100% to the rehab or it wont work when your in your mind is wanting that high I totally get it but you seem to be smart enough 7-8 times to pull the trigger and get in rehab.. I have used everything you have done but never IV or smoking just snorting or dropping so I know how hard it is I never went to a formal rehab but did it my way and 30 years later every payday I think of getting high although I it would most likely kill me that's the road that you are on it will end bad if you don't stop you are far to young and I was in your same spot and so many years later im thankful to all those that helped me so take that step and end the madness this forum was a great step but the reality is that you are going to need more that words but in the meantime stay here when you need some guidance. LOVE.

[pillguy]

Suboxone is a very controversial drug.  It's often misused by patients AND doctors.  In your case I think it could save your life.  Google COWS scale
(clinical opiate withdrawal scale). You'll find a website that can help you prevent precipitated withdrawal.  We can't give dosage advice but you obviously have Internet access.  Learn all you can about it.  My addiction was not as hard as yours to deal with but I remember thinking I couldn't live without this drug.  Today I'm free and spending my time and money with my family.

[pillguy]

NeverAgain127 is right on.  Now is the time for warrior mentality.  Your survival depends on defeating the beast.  Life is such a precious thing.  It sounds horny but why do you think so many of us fight so hard to have more of it.  You must FIGHT !!

[NeverAgain127]

Hi honey:

You poor thing...this is awful what you are going through.   Sweetie, listen to me...I'm old enough to be your mom, the title of your post is "help me" so I'm going to give you some advice and I really hope you take it to heart:

1. You cannot trust what you are thinking.  Your brain is immersed in full-blown addict mode, and you've got drugs on board most of the time. This sentence stuck out to me that you said

"I feel like since I've done so much damage to my dopamine and allllll my chemicals and everything I feel like I need to be on something to function without being so severely depressed."

You are not well enough to make decisions about what to be on.  You need to put yourself in the hands of people who are sober and are thinking rationally, and do everything they say, all the way, no exceptions.

This other sentence I also thought was meaningful:

"But if I found the right rehab it may be a good option"

Hon, you've been to 8 rehabs.   I'm sure a least a couple WERE the right ones.  The problem is that you are still trying to lead with YOUR mind.  And you can't. Not now.  You need to surrender your will, ALL of it, and get into in-patient again.    A 12-step based one, imo.   Don't judge if it's  "good one" or not because, as difficult as this is to believe, your judgment is broken...really broken.  

Your best thinking got you where you are now...sick and shooting dope just to feel normal.  That should tell you that you CANNOT trust your thinking.

You are only 22. I'm sure there is a backstory to how this all got started, and you're eventually going to have to face those demons, but for right now, I want to make sure you don't end up dead with a needle sticking out of your wrist.  

Please, please, for all the mothers out there who have daughters, GET to a rehab, and do everything they say.  Don't question it, don't try to judge it, don't ask yourself if you want to stay.   Just do it.  And be brutally, insanely honest with everyone.  Hold nothing back.  

Your disease is strong, and it wants you DEAD.   There is a concept called "Radical Acceptance."  I think you could benefit from it right now.  You need to radically accept, without question, that you cannot make any decisions for yourself right now, except to walk into a rehab and SURRENDER completely.  

I had a friend who went to rehab for heroin 35 times.  She OD'd and almost died many times before that.  Didn't get clean until she was 50 years old, and by that time, she had ruined her body.  Her bladder muscles were shot, so she had to stick a catheter up her urethra every time she wanted to pee.  It was horrifying...and all she ever said was "Why didn't I just shut up and stop thinking and do what they told me to when I was 30 years younger?"

Don't be that woman.

You are so young, just a baby.   You can turn this around, but first you gotta get clean.   Decide to do rehab HARD-CORE.  Take no prisoners, go to so many meetings the staff makes remarks about it.  FINISH the program, and then dive head first into N/A.   Become an N/A diva...chase those meetings---go to 5 a day if you have to.  

Cut all ties with your 'dudes.'    Are you working?  Living at home?  

Everything has to change...who you see, what you do, where you go.  Decide right now you are going to be a dam.ned WARRIOR.  

Please stay with us and tell us how you're doing.  I'm here almost every single day and I'll talk to you as much as you want.  

Trust me on this...I'm sober, and I'm giving you good advice...we all are.  

Godspeed little one.  I'm going to say a prayer for you..

Hugs,
-Robin

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well it breaks my heart and those of many of our members to see someone so young this messed up with this disease  after being on methadone for almost 7 years I would not recommend you try that  the withdrawal is horable  now if your going to try sub  do it with a doctor not street sub  as you can see if done wrong it is a horror story  the real key here is you need to put some sort of recovery plane in place with or without the sub  I recamend the N/A progam to you it is a simple 12 step program that with time you will loose the very desire to get high  something no other progam can do for you it will also give you some place to share with people that will understand what your going threw  you will also make new clean friends that actually care about your recovery  it is ezer to do then chasing the high 24/7  if it works for a old dope fiend like me it will work for anybody give it a shot  google N/A meetings in your area.......................................Gnarly

[Kristen2015]

Hi.  You took the Suboxone too soon and I think you realize that  I think you shouldn't rule out subs.  I think you should have a dr tell you when IT is safe to take. Were you having any withdrawal symptoms when you took the dose this morning? You may have also taken too high a dose. Is there anyway to go to a doctor just for an initial appointment?

[spider6]

Hi sweetie, welcome.  Grats on reaching out.  Ooooh man...honey your poor lil brain has never had a chance to develope normally as you've been on some pretty heavy shite from such a young age.  I don't have personal experience with your docs but thought I'd lend support.

Hang tight ...you'll get some good info from others soon. IMO, I feel you def need "something" and someone to help you through this....the depression is a deal breaker for a lot of us.  ....but there is hope......being dope sick isn't the worst thing to happen to us....it's doable....you CAN do it.  

Keep posting..tell us more, while you're waiting for others to come by.

Hugs, spider ((((8))))

[greeneyedgurl333]

Thanks dedicatedtostop , I really appreciate the feedback. I've actually been to inpatient rehab about 7 or 8 times embarrassing... But I always leave or relapse shortly after getting out if I don't stay on a maintenance drug which the rehabs I went to took me off everything in a week or so.. But if I found the right rehab it may be a good option. I don't know if this is true or not I obviously tell myself it's not true but sometimes I feel like since I've done so much damage to my dopamine and allllll my chemicals and everything I feel like I need to be on something to function without being so severely depressed. Even through all my depression I have never thought of ending my life until today driving when I was going thru the precipitated withdrawals.. I never would. Scary to be that sick though.. But yes I need to figure it out and live my life I'm young and know I can do it... Thanks again :)

[dedicatedtostop]

Hi, and welcome!
I don't have personal experience with these but someone else will stop by shortly.
This is my personal opinion, I think you need inpatient Rehab where there's always someone there to help you and to ease you through the WD.
2 of your comments struck me:
" it was wonderful when you were off "
" driving your car off the road and ending it "
You are so young and have such a full life ahead of you! Stop this before it's too late!
The only end to continue using is death...
I can offer you support! You can do this!