here i go again!

[kme17]

Well I am back at it. Day1. But this time I don't feel the motivation. When I look beyond the next 5 days I see it. But I still wonder will I feel as great as I did when I quit for that short time months ago. I feel better when I except there is none here and nothing I can do about it. I get a burst of feeling free but shortly after I think about how hard these days are going to be coming up. Can I do this? Is it really that great being sober? Do I need to leave the source that brought these pills back in my life?

[kyle505]

So many of us have used our children or family as an excuse not to do what we know is the right thing to do - get clean. "Detox and her don't mix"...No, that's just a reason that your head has come up with to keep you on the meds. It is all BS.
I did it, so I can see the BS a mile away. "Going to my daughter's Christmas party, I'm really tired, I'll take a few Norco so I'll have energy and be the father that she deserves"...BS, BS, BS. So many years of BS.  What my children deserved - what your family deserves - is a parent who is drug free. You are not being truthful; you've latched on to the perfect excuse to keep using. Until you stop with the lies you will continue to relapse, no matter what you tell yourself or post on this forum.

[selfinduced]

Well you certainly have been advised by the best already. All I can add is that your daughter is young. If you stay on this path, your addiction will emulate. At some point your marriage and job will be affected. Then the guilt and low self esteem takes hold. Stopping the maddness now will spare you from so much heartache to all in your path, but especially you. You are worth this fight. It isn't easy, but doable. Once you've killed this detox and on to recovery, you will feel sooo victorious. This cycle will end one way or another, don't you want it to end on your terms? Your strong, you can do this and we are all here for you. Keep posting!

[kme17]

i can say with the most self assurance i have ever had when i say you are all amazing people.

CATUF... what you said was very powerful. what makes it so powerful is truth.

    i will talk about truth now... i am not truthful. i first wrote this and all i could thing about is the weeks ahead. waking up at 5am getting ready for work, getting a very very advanced 1 yr old ready for daycare. drive 20 min out of the way to drop her off, go to work, get thru work, let me say that again GET THRU WORK, all i can think about is by that time i will be using all i have to leave and drive.... to daycare an hr and a half away, then home. so like i said this is all i see and i just feel failure. i have already failed. so there you go the truth is i did not make it. i knew i didnt feel it in me. all because i fear life. i fear breaking down crying, screaming in somones faace how i really feel about them, i fear the most anything that my daughter picks up on. she is so attached to me and i her but detox and her dont mix at all! my husband in half in the light and half in the dark. althught i have shed some more light on how serious this is i feel like he dont want to believe it.

well i gota go my child is running a muck so i should go play mother of the yr.

thanks u all for your words and please keep them coming. i will need them cause i am ready to kick some *** this time. i hate looking in to my lil girls eyes and knowing what i truely am and what i lie she sees.

  

[Free2agoodhome]

Welcome again then...

Most will continue to use as long as the pain of life is greater than the using itself. When the pain of using became too much I quit.

Once addicted with steady supply line..(like I was) ...the story never ends in success or happily ever after.

With me, the thought of the awful detox I went through is no deterrent. If I have to live sober or die,,,then I want to be happy and sober screw the miserable bit... but that takes some work..but it's worth it.

Write the next chapter in your life..not the opiates.....It will be  good one.

Rooting for you

Free~

[Sonrissa]

Awesome reply CATUF! Great information for all! Thanks!

[CATUF]

there's a great life on the otherside of active addiction.  it doesn't suck forever . . . it's does suck for a while, but not as bad as if we kept using and we can't keep that up forever anyway (if using was still working like it did we wouldn't want to quit).

get past PAWS (google: gorski paws) and treat your brain chemistry, which is surely AFU (see End Your Addiction Now, by Gant; The Mood Cure, by Ross and/or Seven Week to Sobriety, by Larson.

read Staying Clean and Sober, by Miller and Miller.

find some good NA and/or AA meetings.  just go to a meeting on the days that it was you habit to use on.  

i used to think that life was going to suck FOREVER and that i had lost the ability to have fun or be even mildly happy . . . not true.  that's just another lie the beast of addiction uses to keep its claws dug into our back ("what's the use?  you're never going to feel good without using? you might as well use).  it really is a damn lie.  

most people in sustained recovery will tell you that their life is now better than ever . . . not just better than in active addiction, not just back to where they were before active addiction, but better than ever.  AA has a passage in its Big Book that speaks to this.  It's called The Promises:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

"Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

the promoses really do come true if we don't use (no matter what) and actively seek recovery.

it's worth it.

CATUF
2645

[Ben727]

Hey, it sounds like you know the routine, so I'll skip the comment I might make to someone here for the first time. Instead, I'll just point out that a simple fact: There are dozens of regular posters here who have been through the darkness of WD, the marathon of recovery, and who are so much happier clean than they were using. There are probably thousands who successfully quit and used this site at one point to help. All of them are happier, better people clean. I think you can be confident life is better clean, and now can start thinking about how you'll do the hard work to get there!

[kyle505]

You're the only one who can answer those questions. When you stop asking if it's " really that great being sober"  is when you'll be able to stop with the games and get to work on your recovery. Til then your head is running the show. Life is great without meds. You've experienced it. It is waiting for you, but it will not be easy.

[Sonrissa]

I guess, I would say, you need to have a positive and committed mind set, or there is no point! How bad do you want this? If you truly want to quit and stay quit, you've got to remove all sources for pills and get through the withdrawals! Try not to anticipate the withdrawals too much! It will be what it will be! Just make sure you are well prepared with the Thomas Recipe stuff! You can do this, when you are fully committed and when you are really ready! All the best!