Aa
An Amends Gone South!
How can I know when it is appropriate to make amends and when I should just let it go?
I met with an old girlfriend a couple weeks ago. We talked about the good times, I owned up to my shortcomings, and everything felt much better. Today I get a random call that was a monologue of how me and all addicts are scum that ruin peoples lives, say a quick I'm sorry, and then think they are more important than anyone else. She raged about how all the public resources are spent on addicts, and the people and families they hurt are left in the cold. She said that I'm nothing, will always be nothing, and I will never do anything good in my life, and then she hung up. I didn't say a word after Hello. I feel horrible. I know she's wrong, but it still hurts. I wish I would have just left it alone. No craving, no anger, I just feel sad. I guess I deserve it.
I met with an old girlfriend a couple weeks ago. We talked about the good times, I owned up to my shortcomings, and everything felt much better. Today I get a random call that was a monologue of how me and all addicts are scum that ruin peoples lives, say a quick I'm sorry, and then think they are more important than anyone else. She raged about how all the public resources are spent on addicts, and the people and families they hurt are left in the cold. She said that I'm nothing, will always be nothing, and I will never do anything good in my life, and then she hung up. I didn't say a word after Hello. I feel horrible. I know she's wrong, but it still hurts. I wish I would have just left it alone. No craving, no anger, I just feel sad. I guess I deserve it.
Hi it says in theNA book make ammends ONLY if it will cause more harm then good,with that said screw her!!! Danny:) It all about you for now......opps typeo not cause.
COMMUNITY LEADER
What other people think about us is none of our business~~Now i need to apply that myself!
I'm doing pretty well, but here's proof I'm not ready for any 9th step. I realize she wasn't even talking about me. I haven't ever received any public assistance. I paid for everything out of pocket. Had I been ready, I would not have let my emotions get out of hand without thinking of what was said. I'm getting it, I'm just a little slow sometimes.
the best lesson I ever learned in life is... What people say and do is all about them. really has nothing to do with you. the best you can do is ..geez sorry you fell like that!
I feel much better. You guys always make me feel better. I'm trying to just walk the walk, and haven't set out to make myself FEEL better, but BE better. I just need to know when to draw the line. Some people see me being better and just want to point out the worst in me. I haven't set out to make any amends. I'll work on knowin when to hold em, knowin when to fold em, and knowin when to walk away.
All u have to remember is YOU made ur ammends,admitted and apologized for what u did.Thats all u can do.U cant expect everyone to accept it and Thats fine.U r doing what u r supposed to do and some people will hold a grudge.She is wrong about all the insults and u r a changed person.dnt let an unforgiving person get u off track.A lot of people dnt know or care how hard it is to admit what u have done to others.Addicts do a lot of wrong but i think everyone does.Imagine if she had to apologize for her wrong doings to people evn though she isnt a drug user doesnt make her an angel.I forgave my sister a couple yrs ago for the awful things she did to me and it was easy for me and I ended up apologizing to her the next yr for being around her after she quit I was still using.She ironically didnt respond to my apology even though she was horrendous to me bad for yrs.I never treated her that way ever but all people r different.u do what u need to and Thats all u can do.
don't let anyone push you into early work on the step 9 . . . . the Steps are in order for a reason.
think of doing the steps as building the structure that will be the home of your recovery. each stage of construction needs the preceding stage to be finished (and finished right) before it's begun.
right now you're working on your inventory. many (me included) fond this step to be a bit scary even when we were fully ready for it. imagine someone wading into Step 4 before they even finish Step 1. it doesn't take much imagination to see that for someone still in active addiction, premature Step 4 work could do more harm than good. the same is true for Steps 2 and 3, which provide the measure of comfort and protection that is needed for a 4th Step that can be truly searching and fearless without being harmful.
in the same way, Steps 4,5,6 and 7 prepare and equip us to do 8 and 9. without the release and healing that comes from these steps, we're just not ready to properly engage in Step 9. remember, we're MAKING AMENDS, not just saying "sorry for X, i was f'd up for a while there."
until we're fully ready for 9, i think it's sufficient to just let people know that we're trying to get our lives in order. the action of that will speak much louder day by day than the words of a thousand apologies.
in my opinion, however, 10 and 11 are exceptions -- we can start with them on day-1. we may work them differently on day-1 than we will on day-101 or day-1,001, but that's ok.
we can also begin Step 12 very early on, and out of order. simply bringing an attitude of recovery to all areas of our life is part of Step 12, as we learn to "practice these principles in all our affairs."
as far as trying to "carry the message," it may seem early on that we don't have anything to carry. but just being there provides a message to the person struggling not so far behind us.
when i was at 90 days, it was inspired and all by the people with a year or two or five. but honestly, they might as well have been sitting on the moon telling me that if i jumped really hard while thinking the right thoughts, i could join them. or maybe it was like being a 6 year old on a tour of the fire house thinking "i'm gonna be a fireman one day." whatever, it sounded cool to dream of making it to that point, but it just didn't seem real or possible . . . for me . . . it was just a dream.
a lot of my help at 90 days (and at every phase of my recovery) came (and comes) from people just a bit further along than me. far enough that it's a real stretch, but close enough that i can believe that MAYBE i could make it THAT far too.
so, just being there working on our recovery is 12 Step work, we're carrying the message that recovery is possible and the is life after active addiction.
that being said, when it is time for making amends, our business is simply the proper making or tender of the amends. it's sure feels nice if they pat us on the back and say "don't worry about that, i'm just glad you're doing better."
but that doesn't alway happen and we're not making amends to feel nice in that moment, anyway. we're not even doing it to make the other person feel nice in the moment. we're doing it to clear away part of the wreckage of our past . . . to clean up our part in some mess. if we honestly do that, it doesn't matter how the other person reacts -- we maintain our serenity and peace regardless . . . if we're properly prepared by having properly and fully completer the first 8 steps.
without that preperation, however, the trauma of what appears to be a failed attempt a making amends can damage our recovery. whatever we do, we must put our recovery first, because without it everything else falls apart anyway.
CATUF
2671
but
think of doing the steps as building the structure that will be the home of your recovery. each stage of construction needs the preceding stage to be finished (and finished right) before it's begun.
right now you're working on your inventory. many (me included) fond this step to be a bit scary even when we were fully ready for it. imagine someone wading into Step 4 before they even finish Step 1. it doesn't take much imagination to see that for someone still in active addiction, premature Step 4 work could do more harm than good. the same is true for Steps 2 and 3, which provide the measure of comfort and protection that is needed for a 4th Step that can be truly searching and fearless without being harmful.
in the same way, Steps 4,5,6 and 7 prepare and equip us to do 8 and 9. without the release and healing that comes from these steps, we're just not ready to properly engage in Step 9. remember, we're MAKING AMENDS, not just saying "sorry for X, i was f'd up for a while there."
until we're fully ready for 9, i think it's sufficient to just let people know that we're trying to get our lives in order. the action of that will speak much louder day by day than the words of a thousand apologies.
in my opinion, however, 10 and 11 are exceptions -- we can start with them on day-1. we may work them differently on day-1 than we will on day-101 or day-1,001, but that's ok.
we can also begin Step 12 very early on, and out of order. simply bringing an attitude of recovery to all areas of our life is part of Step 12, as we learn to "practice these principles in all our affairs."
as far as trying to "carry the message," it may seem early on that we don't have anything to carry. but just being there provides a message to the person struggling not so far behind us.
when i was at 90 days, it was inspired and all by the people with a year or two or five. but honestly, they might as well have been sitting on the moon telling me that if i jumped really hard while thinking the right thoughts, i could join them. or maybe it was like being a 6 year old on a tour of the fire house thinking "i'm gonna be a fireman one day." whatever, it sounded cool to dream of making it to that point, but it just didn't seem real or possible . . . for me . . . it was just a dream.
a lot of my help at 90 days (and at every phase of my recovery) came (and comes) from people just a bit further along than me. far enough that it's a real stretch, but close enough that i can believe that MAYBE i could make it THAT far too.
so, just being there working on our recovery is 12 Step work, we're carrying the message that recovery is possible and the is life after active addiction.
that being said, when it is time for making amends, our business is simply the proper making or tender of the amends. it's sure feels nice if they pat us on the back and say "don't worry about that, i'm just glad you're doing better."
but that doesn't alway happen and we're not making amends to feel nice in that moment, anyway. we're not even doing it to make the other person feel nice in the moment. we're doing it to clear away part of the wreckage of our past . . . to clean up our part in some mess. if we honestly do that, it doesn't matter how the other person reacts -- we maintain our serenity and peace regardless . . . if we're properly prepared by having properly and fully completer the first 8 steps.
without that preperation, however, the trauma of what appears to be a failed attempt a making amends can damage our recovery. whatever we do, we must put our recovery first, because without it everything else falls apart anyway.
CATUF
2671
but
Just tell me wher she lives and I'll "help" her understand how out of line she was...
It's HER anger and HER resentment and everything else lesa said!
Sorry this happened to you...
It's HER anger and HER resentment and everything else lesa said!
Sorry this happened to you...
at 90 days my eldest son came to me and told me of all the hurt i caused him of how he could not concentrate at college for fear for my life how i effected his childhood how hurt and angry he was.. it devastated me though i just listened like you did.. he had anger just like this girl. it was difficult for him to see everyone so happy with me that i had conquered a addiction that almost killed me.. he was grateful but angry that it seems i got off everything i did.. he can not know my mind my pain he can not know how much i regret being a addict and raising children.. although today he is Happy he has been able to forgive me He just needed to say his feelings Just as we do ours.. I'm Proud for you.. It is not easy to hear how we hurt another... i will pray for her Peace as well as yours.. lesa
I'm sorry this happened to you. I've been on her side of the fence. I always was supportive of my ex-husband when he would be in recovery but there were times I said terrible, hurtful things when he was using. It was my own hurt that I hadn't addressed. Sometimes people cannot forgive and will drag the hurt and resentment with them. Any version of the Serenity Prayer helps me! Feel better.
Good points. I guess the lesson for me is, I need to say I'm working on myself and am not ready to talk about this yet. If I say nothing, at least I haven't made things worse and I will buy some time to prepare myself for how to deal with the things that don't work out. I can't really avoid people, we all buy groceries in the same store. There's only a few streets here and I live in the middle of the pueblo. My sponsor understands that I can't avoid anyone here, so I just need to avoid talking about my recovery or past with anyone outside the fellowship. I have to use discernment with the newcomers as well. I love small town life, but it drives me crazy sometimes.
As an afterthought.....
here is a version of the serenity prayer that helps me NO MATTER WHAT!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change, the
courage to change the PERSON I can, and the wisdom to know it's ME"
here is a version of the serenity prayer that helps me NO MATTER WHAT!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change, the
courage to change the PERSON I can, and the wisdom to know it's ME"
"Hurting people hurt people"
That's all she knows how to do and it is obvious she is hurting.
I have to remember that the purpose of my amends is because I won't have any peace until I ask for forgiveness. I am powerless over everyone and everything but ME. (even her reaction to you)
Actions speak louder than words.....I have a precious card from my Dad who died of Lou Gherig's disease that says......"#2, you don't just talk the talk, you walk the walk"
I am/was his #2 daughter of 6 kids (5 girls).
I am grateful he didn't live long enough to see me get addicted to pain pills. I definitely quit walking AND talking, ha!
99 days clean today.....don't think I'm anywhere's close to making amends yet. Too much is raw, new, unhealed, needs time.
I'm sorry you got hurt........at least you didn't pop a pill to make the emotional pain go away. AND you are working a program!!
Praises, praises, praises to you!
That's all she knows how to do and it is obvious she is hurting.
I have to remember that the purpose of my amends is because I won't have any peace until I ask for forgiveness. I am powerless over everyone and everything but ME. (even her reaction to you)
Actions speak louder than words.....I have a precious card from my Dad who died of Lou Gherig's disease that says......"#2, you don't just talk the talk, you walk the walk"
I am/was his #2 daughter of 6 kids (5 girls).
I am grateful he didn't live long enough to see me get addicted to pain pills. I definitely quit walking AND talking, ha!
99 days clean today.....don't think I'm anywhere's close to making amends yet. Too much is raw, new, unhealed, needs time.
I'm sorry you got hurt........at least you didn't pop a pill to make the emotional pain go away. AND you are working a program!!
Praises, praises, praises to you!
I agree with the above posters. The problems her's, man. Look, you did what you felt was necessary, to try to make amends. If you came outright and said sincerely, "I apologize for ........", what else could she possibly want? If she expects more and cannot convey what she wants, again, thats her fault. If she cannot say, "I need this/that from you in order to move on", what can she honestly expect? Don't waste a moments more time on it, weaver!
You're bound to run into someone else who is less forgiving, sooner or later. You have to realize that you can only do what you can do. You try to make amends and they can either accept it or not.
I too live in a small town. Everyone thinks they know what is going on, but very few actually approach you with questions. They will let the rumor mill dictate what they think, and that's too bad. I had very few people come up to me... very few, and the ones that did got the word right from the horses mouth. I appreciated them doing so.... The ones who've made their minds up, you're probably not going to change their opinions. And you know what? That's fine. You can only do what you can do. You can't take back the past... it happened and its out there. If people are going to let the past run and or ruin their lives, its all on them.
Take it easy on yourself man. You're doing whats necessary. Know that and believe it.
You're bound to run into someone else who is less forgiving, sooner or later. You have to realize that you can only do what you can do. You try to make amends and they can either accept it or not.
I too live in a small town. Everyone thinks they know what is going on, but very few actually approach you with questions. They will let the rumor mill dictate what they think, and that's too bad. I had very few people come up to me... very few, and the ones that did got the word right from the horses mouth. I appreciated them doing so.... The ones who've made their minds up, you're probably not going to change their opinions. And you know what? That's fine. You can only do what you can do. You can't take back the past... it happened and its out there. If people are going to let the past run and or ruin their lives, its all on them.
Take it easy on yourself man. You're doing whats necessary. Know that and believe it.
Im not ready for 9th step now, but in one of my previous attempts at working the program, I proceeded to make an amend to my ex regarding a long ago indiscretion. Turned out she knew nothing about it and would have been perfectly content to have kept it that way!! Maybe I need to make an amend for my amend!! Amends are tricky business and should be well considered before proceeding. Just a thought!! kk
Thanks. I needed to hear from people who understand. I really am trying my hardest, and mostly, I feel progress. I just couldn't shake this alone.
I'm not intentionally working my 9th step. I'm working my 4th step with my sponsor. I find myself running into people, places and things that are putting me in a difficult position. I have made amends as I am confronted in my daily life. Up until today, people have been understanding and happy for me. I really am trying to work on me, but in a small town, people get in each others business. I find myself working all my steps at once, while trying to focus on one. I am fumbling through this so far, but I'll get the hang of it. I feel like that situation was misplaced anger.
I'm not intentionally working my 9th step. I'm working my 4th step with my sponsor. I find myself running into people, places and things that are putting me in a difficult position. I have made amends as I am confronted in my daily life. Up until today, people have been understanding and happy for me. I really am trying to work on me, but in a small town, people get in each others business. I find myself working all my steps at once, while trying to focus on one. I am fumbling through this so far, but I'll get the hang of it. I feel like that situation was misplaced anger.
I agree with Kyle. You don't deserve that.
I was two years clean before I began making amends but it is hard to do and should be done with the help of someone such as a sponsor or someone who has done it themselves. It's tricky and often times words are not the answer. With some people you will simply need to let your actions speak.
And it just hit me---why are you doing a 9th step at 90 days? WOW hun, you need to slow it down. The steps are not something to be rushed and not something finish. they are a way of life and I have done many, many 4th steps and 9th steps (and all of them) in the 25 years since I started the fellowships.
My concern for you is that you are not emotionally or spiritually ready for all of this and I have seen many a person relapse because they tried making amends and it back fired.
Work on for a while and get yourself healthy. You will know when it is right.
I was two years clean before I began making amends but it is hard to do and should be done with the help of someone such as a sponsor or someone who has done it themselves. It's tricky and often times words are not the answer. With some people you will simply need to let your actions speak.
And it just hit me---why are you doing a 9th step at 90 days? WOW hun, you need to slow it down. The steps are not something to be rushed and not something finish. they are a way of life and I have done many, many 4th steps and 9th steps (and all of them) in the 25 years since I started the fellowships.
My concern for you is that you are not emotionally or spiritually ready for all of this and I have seen many a person relapse because they tried making amends and it back fired.
Work on for a while and get yourself healthy. You will know when it is right.
She has the problem, not you. A lot of people don't understand addicts, and when they are hurt by one, they don't get that a lot of the times it the drug, not the individual.
Does she smoke? Overeat? Drink? If so, or if she has any close friends or family that do, then she's experiencing addiction and/or is interacting with addicts. And the odds are that one of her friends or family is having or has had problems with pain meds.
You did good; don't worry about it. Now it's her turn to make amends.
Does she smoke? Overeat? Drink? If so, or if she has any close friends or family that do, then she's experiencing addiction and/or is interacting with addicts. And the odds are that one of her friends or family is having or has had problems with pain meds.
You did good; don't worry about it. Now it's her turn to make amends.
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